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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating someone older with a disability

64 replies

Guitarlady · 08/09/2018 00:12

(LONG NOT SORRY!)
So, I have been single for years! I went OUT this week after my friends convinced me to get out of my comfort zone and I actually met someone! At the time it was a random bloke in a bar that I got chatting to and beer goggles meant I gave him my phone to put his number in. We chatted till 5.30am in the morning ... I found him very easy to talk to.

Then I found out he is 13 years older than me! I am 43 and he is 56 - this put me off a bit I'll admit because I've ideally been looking to date someone closer to my own age. He doesn't look 56, but equally I look younger than 43!

This guy was very open and honest about his health issues. During our chat, he told me he has diabetes - which in itself isn't a problem - he manages his diabetes himself through insulin. I work in the healthcare industry and have several diabetics I work with, so this itself wasn't a major issue, but naturally a concern about someone I might start dating. He then he told me about a heart attack he had a few years ago - again being managed by food and an attempt at a healthier lifestyle.

Then he told me about the issue he has with his legs - I don't quite know the full story yet (beer goggles) but it's related to his diabetes and he hobbles everywhere, can't walk for long without being in a lot of pain and manages his pain using cannabis oil. He is medically retired and used to be a nurse, so he doesn't work now and lives on his disability benefits.

He asked me out on a date, and we went out this evening because I wanted to get to know him better without making a decision without all of the facts. It was a lovely evening, he treated me really well, listened to things I had to say, didn't interrupt me or overtalk me (issues from my ex relationship) and seems genuinely interested in me. We have a mutual friend who has only lovely things to say about him and describes him as a "top bloke"

Thing is I have a dog and I really enjoy walks ... along the beach, in the park, through the woods etc and ideally I am looking for someone I can share this time with. he keeps a wheelchair in the back of his car and joked that he could hold the dog lead while I push his chair! This sounds really crap as I am writing it ....

He also told me he has EIGHT cats and five lizards ... I have a 3 year old small dog, a 15 year old cat of my own and a recently acquired hamster for my daughter's 7th birthday. The fact he is an animal lover is a big plus for me, but 8 cats and 5 lizards? I already struggle keeping my house tidy ... can I even contemplate adding more animals?

He seems a really nice guy and the AIBU is I'm not sure whether I'm just thinking about binning off a decent bloke who would really take care of me emotionally and not cheat on me (my past issues!) or whether I am looking too closely at what can potentially be wrong with this relationship. I've also ended stuff after a couple of dates with guys closer to my age too because it hasn't felt right.

AIBU to worry about

  • The 13 year age gap
  • I already have a cat, dog and hamster - can I add 8 cats and 5 lizards to my household if this relationship works? I already get narky when my house is untidy ...
  • Can I cope with his disabilities? I have a very active lifestyle ...
  • He is on medical disability - I work for a living.
  • I have an issue with cannabis - it's to do with my ex growing it and putting my daughter at risk. This guy doesn't smoke it, in fact he doesn't smoke - he uses the oil but buys bud to make oil from.
  • He is missing a bottom tooth - this bugs me. I also have inherited gum disease and wear a denture for 4 missing bottom teeth. He won't wear his as he says it feels uncomfortable.... but I couldn't help staring at his missing tooth thinking "why don't you get this fixed?" AIBU about teeth?

I guess I am looking for advice from people in relationships with a large age gap and anyone with disabilities - how it affects your relationships and what you need from a partner.

P.S. I understand about spoon theory from working with people with disabilities.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 08/09/2018 01:47

You've got a big list of what you don't like so, I don't think you should progress with this relationship on the offchance that you could be binning off a decent bloke. Who he is physically doesn't attract you and I don't think him being an emotionally good guy can transcend that. You're also dubious about his lifestyle. You'll struggle. It's not fair on him either. Let this one go.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 08/09/2018 01:55

So you’ve met him twice and already have a list of concerns? He’s not the right person for you. You should be excited about getting to know him, not compiling a list of his downsides.

pineappple · 08/09/2018 02:00

You don't sound like a great match OP, and it already seems like you've made up your mind.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 08/09/2018 02:00

Wow shallow much you’ve been on 2 dates with him and your already worrying about his animals your not moving in with him anytime soon. Seriously if you have that much of a list after only 2 dates then don’t see him again and let him find someone who won’t find so many faults with him.

delphguelph · 08/09/2018 02:10

Sounds like a non starter to me.

Hairytangerine · 08/09/2018 02:11

Can you not get to know him as a friend, rather than a husband.

It may develop from there? Just take it easy and relax.

He sounds like a lovely man who is probably struggling himself with accepting his issues. If you could talk to him for hours there must be some friendship bond.

The holding the lead while you push him sounds lovely!

Notmyrealname85 · 08/09/2018 02:13

Sounds like you’d be good mates, I wouldn’t follow this one for romance though

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 08/09/2018 02:13

Not a match made in heaven here op.
Your list of negatives (some I could deal with, others not) is in itself a sign that this is not the man for you.
Move on

Littlechocola · 08/09/2018 02:19

You sound like hard work.

MistressDeeCee · 08/09/2018 02:19

He might not want OP as a mate tho. Maybe he's got mates already. Or wouldnt be into now being friendzoned. He does have a choice here.

Be into a man because you fancy him and his looks and personality, and are excited about getting to know and be with him. It shouldn't be a case of a man by any means necessary eg, just because he's nice and decent being worried in case another him (but with no disability and great teeth and not so many pets) doesn't come riding over the hill

AjasLipstick · 08/09/2018 02:23

I am 45 and wouldn't consider a 56 year old to be "older" to be honest. My friend is 45 and her partner is 69. That's older! She gets on well with him though....he's highly educated and quite fit.

You obviously don't want to compromise so don't waste the poor man's time any more. His pets are probably to keep him busy as he's not working. It would be lonely not working at such a young age.

GarlicGrace · 08/09/2018 02:41

I agree the precise don't details don't matter as much as the fact you're finding it pretty easy to argue why you shouldn't start a relationship with him. You know, there isn't some test you have to pass before ditching someone! It's your life, nobody's forcing you to be involved with anyone. So don't, unless or until you meet someone you really, really want to share yourself with.

For what it's worth, I have disabilities that give me some of the same issues as this bloke. I consider this a real drawback on the dating front - I'm poor, don't get about much and run out of energy quickly. Most potential partners would find me way too dull, I don't want anyone with a "caring complex", and I haven't met any similarly disabled men that I find remotely attractive! It sucks, but it's just one of those things that come with the condition. Nobody owes anyone a relationship.

knittedwoollenmouse · 08/09/2018 09:37

Problems with his legs related to diabetes would indicate a serious problem with the circulation and he is probably facing amputation in the future.

The poor chap sounds as though he is facing a slow, but steady decline into serious illness and probably a premature death. This isn’t just a disability issue you have here.

Can you see your future as an unpaid nurse and housekeeper, including his cats and lizards?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 08/09/2018 09:42

You have a lot to complain about already, so I'd stop it now.

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 09:45

Diabetes is a killer unless it's managed properly, and it sounds like it's too late for that. He's going to be suffering this sort of problem. I knew a man in his 50s wh lost a toe through amputation, then his foot. He died a couple of years later. I wouldn't be happy about the 8 cats either!

He could get a mobility scooter!?

OliveBranchManager · 08/09/2018 09:47

sounds like too much trouble?

Are you a rescuer ?

lol at he could get a mobility scooter. Omg. you must have either given up or not want to be single. you've met him once.

Coveredincake · 08/09/2018 09:50

You got on well so id say meet up as friends and see what happens. No plans or expectations, just go with your feelings day to day. When i first met my husband i swore blind we'd never date. Then we'd never marry. Then no kids. All because of how he is. Im now in a messy home with a disabled hubby and two whirlwind dds. No idea what changed in my mindset but it can happen.

Nikephorus · 08/09/2018 09:53

I agree the precise don't details don't matter as much as the fact you're finding it pretty easy to argue why you shouldn't start a relationship with him.
This ^^. You're not trying to argue any of those reasons away which you would if your gut said you wanted a relationship i.e. if you were keen you'd be saying 'he's got a zoo but if I've got 3 pets already what's another few?' whereas you're focusing on already finding 3 hard work. Be friends but keep it at that. Your gut is saying no, listen to it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/09/2018 09:54

And maybe the quips about the wheelchair and you pushing is a very roundabout way of letting you know that he is (most likely but not definate) impotent through his health so don't expect anything from that department , before you get involved .?

TerfsUp · 08/09/2018 10:00

I look younger than 43!

Your opinion of yourself is reason enough for the other person to run a mile. Maybe you're not the catch you think you are.

Bombardier25966 · 08/09/2018 10:06

And maybe the quips about the wheelchair and you pushing is a very roundabout way of letting you know that he is (most likely but not definate) impotent through his health so don't expect anything from that department , before you get involved .?

What the...

There's a big jump from some mobility problems to impotence.

I think you should let this guy go OP. If you're so easy to pick fault, I don't think you're worthy of him.

chasinggarlic · 08/09/2018 10:07

You do t sound that in to him. Dating should be all about 'can't wait till next night out' not all the things you have listed. I know some people are more practical than others, but still, there is no spark mentioned?

chasinggarlic · 08/09/2018 10:09

There's a big jump from some mobility problems to impotence

Actually the diabetes is the reason for potential impotence. It's a really common problem for diabetic men.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 08/09/2018 10:17

I’ve dated someone with very similar health problems. One of my friends jokingly said to watch in case he was impotent. He put having sex off for ages and didn’t tell me he had a problem. After loads of failed attempts he eventually admitted that he hadn’t been able to have sex for over a decade. If it’s importang to you, I’d suss this side of things out early on.

Hellywelly10 · 08/09/2018 10:18

Do you fancy him?