Dating someone older with a disability

[Guitarlady]

(LONG NOT SORRY!)
So, I have been single for years! I went OUT this week after my friends convinced me to get out of my comfort zone and I actually met someone! At the time it was a random bloke in a bar that I got chatting to and beer goggles meant I gave him my phone to put his number in. We chatted till 5.30am in the morning ... I found him very easy to talk to.

Then I found out he is 13 years older than me! I am 43 and he is 56 - this put me off a bit I'll admit because I've ideally been looking to date someone closer to my own age. He doesn't look 56, but equally I look younger than 43!

This guy was very open and honest about his health issues. During our chat, he told me he has diabetes - which in itself isn't a problem - he manages his diabetes himself through insulin. I work in the healthcare industry and have several diabetics I work with, so this itself wasn't a major issue, but naturally a concern about someone I might start dating. He then he told me about a heart attack he had a few years ago - again being managed by food and an attempt at a healthier lifestyle.

Then he told me about the issue he has with his legs - I don't quite know the full story yet (beer goggles) but it's related to his diabetes and he hobbles everywhere, can't walk for long without being in a lot of pain and manages his pain using cannabis oil. He is medically retired and used to be a nurse, so he doesn't work now and lives on his disability benefits.

He asked me out on a date, and we went out this evening because I wanted to get to know him better without making a decision without all of the facts. It was a lovely evening, he treated me really well, listened to things I had to say, didn't interrupt me or overtalk me (issues from my ex relationship) and seems genuinely interested in me. We have a mutual friend who has only lovely things to say about him and describes him as a "top bloke"

Thing is I have a dog and I really enjoy walks ... along the beach, in the park, through the woods etc and ideally I am looking for someone I can share this time with. he keeps a wheelchair in the back of his car and joked that he could hold the dog lead while I push his chair! This sounds really crap as I am writing it ....

He also told me he has EIGHT cats and five lizards ... I have a 3 year old small dog, a 15 year old cat of my own and a recently acquired hamster for my daughter's 7th birthday. The fact he is an animal lover is a big plus for me, but 8 cats and 5 lizards? I already struggle keeping my house tidy ... can I even contemplate adding more animals?

He seems a really nice guy and the AIBU is I'm not sure whether I'm just thinking about binning off a decent bloke who would really take care of me emotionally and not cheat on me (my past issues!) or whether I am looking too closely at what can potentially be wrong with this relationship. I've also ended stuff after a couple of dates with guys closer to my age too because it hasn't felt right.

AIBU to worry about

• The 13 year age gap
• I already have a cat, dog and hamster - can I add 8 cats and 5 lizards to my household if this relationship works? I already get narky when my house is untidy ...
• Can I cope with his disabilities? I have a very active lifestyle ...
• He is on medical disability - I work for a living.
• I have an issue with cannabis - it's to do with my ex growing it and putting my daughter at risk. This guy doesn't smoke it, in fact he doesn't smoke - he uses the oil but buys bud to make oil from.
• He is missing a bottom tooth - this bugs me. I also have inherited gum disease and wear a denture for 4 missing bottom teeth. He won't wear his as he says it feels uncomfortable.... but I couldn't help staring at his missing tooth thinking "why don't you get this fixed?" AIBU about teeth?

I guess I am looking for advice from people in relationships with a large age gap and anyone with disabilities - how it affects your relationships and what you need from a partner.

P.S. I understand about spoon theory from working with people with disabilities.

It doesn't sound as though you like him very much, tbh. Which is of course perfectly alright, kust don't drag it out.

Ok let me tell you a little story (I have a reason, and I’ll get to the point quickly I promise)
About 3yrs ago I met someone. We became friends, I fell pregnant and had a baby by someone else.
My pregnancy made it obvious I had some issues mobility wise that had never shown before.
A whole year later, when me and the bloke had been together a year or so, I started collapsing. I now know that my back is wrecked and I’ll end up in a wheelchair. Dp remains dp because he saw and knew me before all that and doesn’t see himself in the role of carer, although often is, with helping me in and out of the bath etc.

So from the disabled persons viewpoint, I can’t understand how he’s being so very flippant with the comments that he’ll hold the dogs lead while you push him. I struggle to be viewed as vulnerable and helpless despite quite obviously being so. Dp and I manage because we have no plans to live together for many years, and when that comes up we’ll work it out then.

In your position, I’d explain to him that while you’re happy to remain friends, you don’t see it as a romantic relationship. He can either accept it and become a friend or not.
But what you need to accept is just because someone isn’t horrible to you, you don’t owe them a relationship. Incompatibility isn’t something he should get upset about. And that’s what it boils down to, you lead an active life and work, you want someone with similar values and shared interests.

Look, I’ve said to dp a few times, leave me if it’s too much, I’ll understand this isn’t what you signed up for. And it’s the truth. Nor did you. You’ve been on two dates, you can walk away at any point

It depends on the composition of the cannabis buds whether or not they are illegal. The sort that gives no high is available to buy on the high street/online, same as the oil. However if the illegal stuff has real medical benefits how can anyone on the outside judge? Not smoking it is at least cutting down some risks to his health.

However if the illegal stuff has real medical benefits how can anyone on the outside judge?
Fairly certain the police would judge if he was caught with the illegal stuff! The clue is in the word “illegal”...

That would be a pretty big no for me on far too many fronts. I get that you value someone being kind and not talking over you but that really should be the norm not a major plus. He has massive health issues and the likelihood of quite a fast deterioration in his health is very high. There is a major risk that this relationship would very quickly see you in a carer role, rather than equal romantic partners. Taking long walks and being active are an important factor. Please don’t settle for less than you really are looking for. Being nice is neither here nor there. And he does seem to not take enough pride in his appearance. The missing tooth is not a nice and pleasant look. I mean if he cannot even make an effort so early on, this does not bode well! Also, I would second the very high likelihood of impotence with diabetes. All in all, you are too young to be with someone who aged so badly and is in such poor shape/health. Walk away, ney run. He won’t be able to catch up… Harsh but you owe this man nothing.

Gosh lots to reply to ... sorry I worked a 12 hour shift today....

Do you fancy him?
Umm no, but I didn't rule it out because to be fair after my past experiences with emotional and physical abuse, I don't fancy ANYONE at first. It's been a long recovery for me and I finally felt ready after 3 years of being single to put myself out there and start dating again. I didn't want to seem judgy on the age gap and didn't want to dismiss someone just because they had a disability.

But what you need to accept is just because someone isn’t horrible to you, you don’t owe them a relationship.

Sheldonoscopy I think you summed it up for me ... I wanted to give this guy a chance because he just seemed so lovely, but the more I got to know him, the more red flags there were. I'm definitely open to dating now after so long being single, but it doesn't mean I have to take the first offer .... and honestly I could potentially see past the age gap and the disabilities ... it was the tooth issue that sold it for me. If you can't / won't look after yourself then how can that bode well for us in the future.

I sent him a text message tonight to say that although I think he is a lovely man and I have enjoyed his company, that I don't think it will work for me long term and can we be friends.

I had a very nice reply to say that although he is disappointed, he is thankful for my honesty and asked me to let him know if I ever want company to go to a movie etc ....

It was the right decision. I felt really bad about it and was anticipating getting flamed on here, but I've had really lovely advice so thank you MNers xx

Glad you've ended it on a good note OP, shame that out of everything, it was his tooth that put you off though. How's he meant to afford a dental implant when he's on disability?
But you like what you like and you're right not to accept anything less.

Well done you Guitarlady for being honest with yourself and with him.

As an aside, have you had any councelling or anything? Might help to improve your confidence

Let me also clarify ... I'm not looking for someone to move in with right away, but it I meet the right person I would definitely want to live together at some point. I am NOT in a hurry to meet someone - which is why I've been single for 3 years, but I am READY to meet someone.

if I meet a guy who seems genuine and honest -I'll want to have his babies- I'd consider a second or third date to get to know them.

I think possibly after the longest time of not meeting "nice guys" I am drawn to them now - which is probably more emotionally healthy than sociopathic assholes like my ex!

am actually due to start counselling next week. It's through a service that the police put me in touch with following sexual abuse from my ex that I finally had the courage to report. I didn't even tell this new guy about it! I am lucky to have a very supportive boss where I work and her words of wisdom were not to dish all my crazy up front, just the essential bits ...

How's he meant to afford a dental implant when he's on disability?

Ummm the same way I did. I found an NHS dentist who was experienced with nervous patients (a whole other long story) and my extractions and denture were free on the NHS as I only work part time to fit around school hours and get tax credits top ups.

His breath also smelled. From experience I know this is probs due to the gum disease, but fixing my teeth also fixed my bad breath ....

Dont have a 2nd date.

Guitar don't want to be pedantic but cosmetic treatments aren't covered on the NHS the same way your treatments were.
You did the right thing in my opinion still!

Dentures and bridgework are covered by the NHS though. OP said that this guy had a partial plate/denture but found them uncomfortable to wear. My understanding is that the first set of dentures tend to become loose, uncomfortable and don’t fit that well, once the gum settles down following an extraction or loss of teeth. It takes a few months, after which a permanent set of dentures has a firmer and more comfortable fit. As stated before though, OP does not owe someone anything just because they are a nice guy. Smelling pleasant is another major tick box and malodorous breath is pretty off-putting. I am glad that he took it reasonably well.

You've made the right decision, OP. I was single for a long time as well before I met my DH. The year before, a couple I was friends with at the time introduced me to a single man in his late 30s that they knew. I just didn't fancy him, but I went out with him a few times and tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. But then he started wanting to pay for everything, which made me feel very uncomfortable and I insisted that I would pay for myself. I also found myself arguing with him a lot because we disagreed about virtually everything. It fizzled out, not surprisingly.

You can't make yourself fancy someone, the chemistry is either there or it isn't. And if it isn't then there's no point in getting involved at all.

You handled it really well, OP.