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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating someone older with a disability

64 replies

Guitarlady · 08/09/2018 00:12

(LONG NOT SORRY!)
So, I have been single for years! I went OUT this week after my friends convinced me to get out of my comfort zone and I actually met someone! At the time it was a random bloke in a bar that I got chatting to and beer goggles meant I gave him my phone to put his number in. We chatted till 5.30am in the morning ... I found him very easy to talk to.

Then I found out he is 13 years older than me! I am 43 and he is 56 - this put me off a bit I'll admit because I've ideally been looking to date someone closer to my own age. He doesn't look 56, but equally I look younger than 43!

This guy was very open and honest about his health issues. During our chat, he told me he has diabetes - which in itself isn't a problem - he manages his diabetes himself through insulin. I work in the healthcare industry and have several diabetics I work with, so this itself wasn't a major issue, but naturally a concern about someone I might start dating. He then he told me about a heart attack he had a few years ago - again being managed by food and an attempt at a healthier lifestyle.

Then he told me about the issue he has with his legs - I don't quite know the full story yet (beer goggles) but it's related to his diabetes and he hobbles everywhere, can't walk for long without being in a lot of pain and manages his pain using cannabis oil. He is medically retired and used to be a nurse, so he doesn't work now and lives on his disability benefits.

He asked me out on a date, and we went out this evening because I wanted to get to know him better without making a decision without all of the facts. It was a lovely evening, he treated me really well, listened to things I had to say, didn't interrupt me or overtalk me (issues from my ex relationship) and seems genuinely interested in me. We have a mutual friend who has only lovely things to say about him and describes him as a "top bloke"

Thing is I have a dog and I really enjoy walks ... along the beach, in the park, through the woods etc and ideally I am looking for someone I can share this time with. he keeps a wheelchair in the back of his car and joked that he could hold the dog lead while I push his chair! This sounds really crap as I am writing it ....

He also told me he has EIGHT cats and five lizards ... I have a 3 year old small dog, a 15 year old cat of my own and a recently acquired hamster for my daughter's 7th birthday. The fact he is an animal lover is a big plus for me, but 8 cats and 5 lizards? I already struggle keeping my house tidy ... can I even contemplate adding more animals?

He seems a really nice guy and the AIBU is I'm not sure whether I'm just thinking about binning off a decent bloke who would really take care of me emotionally and not cheat on me (my past issues!) or whether I am looking too closely at what can potentially be wrong with this relationship. I've also ended stuff after a couple of dates with guys closer to my age too because it hasn't felt right.

AIBU to worry about

  • The 13 year age gap
  • I already have a cat, dog and hamster - can I add 8 cats and 5 lizards to my household if this relationship works? I already get narky when my house is untidy ...
  • Can I cope with his disabilities? I have a very active lifestyle ...
  • He is on medical disability - I work for a living.
  • I have an issue with cannabis - it's to do with my ex growing it and putting my daughter at risk. This guy doesn't smoke it, in fact he doesn't smoke - he uses the oil but buys bud to make oil from.
  • He is missing a bottom tooth - this bugs me. I also have inherited gum disease and wear a denture for 4 missing bottom teeth. He won't wear his as he says it feels uncomfortable.... but I couldn't help staring at his missing tooth thinking "why don't you get this fixed?" AIBU about teeth?

I guess I am looking for advice from people in relationships with a large age gap and anyone with disabilities - how it affects your relationships and what you need from a partner.

P.S. I understand about spoon theory from working with people with disabilities.

OP posts:
ShastaBeast · 08/09/2018 10:26

Relationships don’t have to result in living together and not many of them last a lifetime. It’s ok to see how it goes and take a less conventional approach. None of the issues would be insurmountable alone but they do paint a picture of someone not taking care of themselves and the potential for him to deteriorate further in the next ten years or so. I struggle to walk far and was in agony shopping with a friend yesterday. I wouldn’t be able to commit to a walking holiday or city break with a friend as potentially I’d limit their experience. Although I’m nowhere near needing a wheelchair just in case, just a walking stick.

DroningOn · 08/09/2018 10:30

I'd go with your initial gut instincts, not doing either of you any favours to progress something that you're not sure about.

Hopefully given you the oomph to get back out and keep looking, good luck

sanssherif · 08/09/2018 10:34

Yes, I was going to say the fact he may not be able to have sex due to the diabetes.
He sounds lovely but you would be a carer not a lover. You have some good years left in you, use them wisely.
The tooth would put me off to be honest. Although I feel horrible saying that.

trojanpony · 08/09/2018 10:34

Your plus list is depressingly light
“listened to things I had to say, didn't interrupt me or overtalk me“
I’m guessing “treated me really well” is just he demonstrated basic manners or the level of courtesy you yourself would extend to a stranger.

These are not the foundations of a fabulous relationship. Irrespective of the health stuff
You don’t sound like you fancy him.

On top of that your list of concerns is (broadly) valid

in your shoes I’d say “thanks for the date but the spark isn’t there.”

In summary YANBU

knittedwoollenmouse · 08/09/2018 10:44

It’s very difficult and often soul destroying being in a relationship, but being stuck as a carer. No sex and just a constant slog of caring duties, housework, hospital appointments and worry about the future. This can go on for years and years.

sanssherif · 08/09/2018 11:19

Yes knitted and I think it's manageable for people who have been together for years and who are in love.
But as a new relationship, much more difficult.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/09/2018 11:25

I could even read the whole OP, it was littered with your concerns and I just thought to myself that if you have such a long list of concerns already in spite of this guy's good points you might as well quit.

So quit.

annandale · 08/09/2018 11:28

Being in a relationship as a carer is quite bad tbh. Im sorry to have to say tgat and it's not all bad. I miss my dh very much but it has taken 6 months really to say that because the first six months were full of relief i wasn't a carer any more. I don't know what to say - im a selfish person and he didn't need constant physical care or anything. I would be wary of dating anyone now because everyone's going to have health issues some time.

Original poster
Guitarlady · 08/09/2018 11:39

My previous relationship was very emotionally abusive so to me the fact a guy is a nice person is a big plus! I'll admit I've got concerns about dating this guy ... not because I am shallow, but because I DO think about the future when I meet someone and if there isn't a chance of it being serious and eventually down the line leading to living together (Which is something I want) then I don't take it any further.

Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
EggysMom · 08/09/2018 11:40

If you think the spark is there, take it slow. If there's no spark, don't pursue it.

Cats have a finite life - if you take a few years getting to know him, I doubt you'd be moving 8 cats in.

And you might be grateful for an outdoor, active hobby if your shared times are going to be more sedentary with the potential for acting as his carer in later years - you'll need that break.

Honey2018 · 08/09/2018 11:43

I wouldn’t care about the disability but 8 cats- just no!

knittedwoollenmouse · 08/09/2018 12:15

My cat lived for 20 years, so don’t bank on him being cat free in a couple of years.

Reptiles go on forever.

LIVVI1234 · 08/09/2018 13:16

I could deal with most of this, age and disability included but it would be the tooth thing that bothered me. I couldn't deal with that. If he has a fake tooth, or denture it should be in. It shows a lack of personal care.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/09/2018 18:33

What the...

There's a big jump from some mobility problems to impotence.

I work with a patient caseload that is 90% people with diabetes.
He's a fairly young man obviously interested in a relationship of some sort. And the heart attack would rule out viagra in a lot of cases.

So I am speaking from a professional capacity here , not just randomly flinging out theories Hmm

Agustarella · 08/09/2018 18:45

Eew, he sounds like a total wreck. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic towards the poor guy, but anyone with that leg issue would be utterly unshaggable to me. 56 is not too old for a healthy man, but since he is unhealthy, he might as well be 96. FWIW I'm 41 and in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 70. He's always been super-fit and active, but seemed to have slowed down a bit recently.

BlancheM · 08/09/2018 18:45

I'd leave him be. You're coming across quite superior, not to mention alarmingly over invested so early. You're trying to come to terms with whether he'd be good enough for you despite his perceived flaws...but he might not even fancy you! Even in a relationship, he might be quite happy with his living arrangements and his animals.

ThePricklySheep · 08/09/2018 18:50

You haven’t mentioned if you fancy him. Did you snog him? Do you feel you want to? If not then the other stuff doesn’t really matter.

Gottagetmoving · 08/09/2018 18:58

Blimey! Slow down! You've known him five minutes!
If you are only looking for a long term partner then it's obvious your list rules him out.

BigBlueBubble · 08/09/2018 19:02

The age gap wouldn’t bother me but the 8 cats would. His house must reek! Don’t think I could live with 8 cats. I’d also be extremely bothered by him buying and using illegal drugs. Imo there are enough red flags here for you to call it off.

Foodylicious · 08/09/2018 19:05

Sounds like you don't think he is a good fit romantically or partner wise for you or your 3 yr olds future.
So don't try to force sonething that isn't there.

You don't have to commit to everyone who is nice to you!

You could have a good friend there though.

LanguidLobster · 08/09/2018 19:06

I thought cannabis oil was legal? Sold at H&B.

I was chatting to someone local about his diabetes 1 (not romantically) and he was telling me about his missing toes and erectile dysfunction.

At the worst, you've seen him twice and enjoyed it.

chasinggarlic · 08/09/2018 19:09

I’d also be extremely bothered by him buying and using illegal drug

But he doesn’t?

BigBlueBubble · 08/09/2018 19:17

OP said he buys cannabis buds and makes his own oil. Cannabis buds are illegal drugs in the U.K.

Rudgie47 · 08/09/2018 19:21

Do you want to end up being this mans carer OP? Do you have any idea what that's like? These are things you need to think about before you take him on as a partner.
From what you say I don't think hes the man for you really.

chasinggarlic · 08/09/2018 19:24

Sorry I only ready 'managed his pain using cannabis oil'

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