38wks pg and husband says I’m a horrible person and he doesn’t know if he can support me through labour

[Helppleaseladies]

Hi ladies
I would really appreciate a fresh perspective as I’m feeling very lonely with a clock ticking as baby due in 2 weeks and don’t know where to turn....
I apologise for the long post but writing this has been helpful for me as I don’t know where to turn.
Today my husband and I had a horrible row which resulted in him saying
-I’m a horrible person
-he feels I drag him down and unless I change he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me
-he is prepared to let our 3 year old and unborn son grow up with separated parents because living with me drags him down too much
-I am due to give birth in 2 weeks and he doesn’t think he will be able to support me through birth unless I ‘start being nice to him’

These are clearly quite powerful statements which have left me feeling distraught and very anxious so close to birth. I admit we’ve not had the easiest year but the venom I’ve experienced today has left me shocked especially given I’m full term!

I admit I’m no angel but I feel my sins don’t really compare to these hurtful things.

Having had a very easy first pregnancy, this one has been physically very tough with spd. I am often in pain, particularly when I do too much. We have moved to an old large house requiring LOTS of maintenance. We have also entertained a LOT. All of which would have been possible had I had the health i’d had in my first pregnancy but has been too much for me this time round. He has been very good and done a lot around the house and with our son, including doing early mornings with our son (my husband is also naturally an early riser). My husband has a very flexible job so he has been able to find time to do these things whilst also playing sport a number of times a week. He also has come up with a new business idea and is spending a few hours a week pursuing this alongside his job, sport and household duties.
Reading this, it all sounds very ‘first world problems’ but I do feel that he has enough time in life to pursue his own interests so it’s not unreasonable for me to ask him to do more around the house given i have been incapacitated.
I still do a lot around the house and with our son but not as much as before-I’m now at 38wks pg rather tired! I have just stopped my part time job and now finally on mat leave. However apparently I have been nagging him about chores and am constantly stressed by the amount of things I have to do. For my part, I admit that there have been moments when I have been stressed however right now I’m just being busy and productive and just trying to nail as many of those dull chores before the baby arrives as I know I won’t have the time to do them once the baby arrives. I admit all these are not essentials (hospital bag was done a few weeks back) but I do think that getting ahead on things now (eg batch cooking, making sure my son has clothes that fit him for winter) is worth it given it’s harder to do things like this with a newborn.

I think he sees what I see as practical preparations as me being ‘constantly stressed’ And ‘a horrible person’

This week, he’s been in a foul mood with me. Specifically , the things I’ve done to annoy him are
-ask him not to invite a friend round to our house on the evening i’d booked to have a massage in our open plan house on the grounds I didn’t want his friend to see me either mid massage or straight after when I wanted to go to bed
-he came home late from a work do and as we are currently sleeping in separate rooms due to both of us having sleeping problems, I’d asked him to pop in to say goodnight. My light was on and I was watching tv so I’d assumed he’d seen I was up but he didn’t come even when I shouted for him. When I then got up to find him he got annoyed at me as apparently I was having a go when all I was saying was I wanted to say goodnight.
-we had an argument today as had been talking about baby stuff and I feel like he’s not engaged in the process. He has not even tried to feel our very active baby kick. I feel like he’s hiding away from this pregnancy by absorbing himself in our son and his new business idea. I told him this and I admit I cried and got very upset as I do find this a very sad thought. He accused me of being too stressed.

Reading this back, I think our problems are
-his sleep deprivation due to early mornings with our son and his general insomnia
-trying to do too much (house stuff, trying to keep up a busy social life)
-poor communication

I would like to resolve this by calming things down and focusing on us. I would also like to try marriage counselling. He point blank refuses to do marriage counselling. He doesn’t want to spend more evenings together as he thinks I’m ‘dragging him down’ and he thinks we will spend it talking about chores. I admit we do spend quite a high proportion of our time talking about chores right now but only because we don’t actually have much time together due to joint socialising and his evenings playing sport!!!!

I am fearful about getting through labour as he’s told me he doesn’t know if he can support me through it. He told me tonight he ‘thinks I’m mad’ to try for a VBAC this time (had an elective last time). This was news to me as he said nothing during the appointment with the consultant last week!

I am also very conscious I’m about to go through a few months of sleep deprivation and separate beds due to breastfeeding. Not sure how things can improve in such circumstances!!!

So ladies....my questions to you are

-am I being unreasonable???
-what can I do in the VERY short term to get things back on track so we can have a positive birth and our son can have a positive welcome to the world???
-how can I persuade him to do marriage counselling so we can salvage this marriage in the medium term? We are definitely going though a rocky spell but I don’t think we are doomed as a couple and I want to make things positive for the sake of our sons.

Thanks in advance!!!

I'm sorry to ask this. But. Is it possible he is seeing someone else or has had his head turned?

Beyond that. If someone is saying such very nasty things and refuses counselling, there isn't really.much you can do but leave them to it.

If it were me:
I'd make plans for an alternative birth partner, work to ensure that I had a VERY good support network in place, get on with chores, quietly watch for signs of an OW (sorry), and, frankly, try to reassess once the newborn period is over.

Your situation sounds really difficult. I'm sorry. But please do understand that you can't force him to engage in repairing the marriage. You're going to need to focus on the new baby, your older child, and yourself. He has to decide to come to the party unfortunately.

DO NOT try to be perfect in a misguided attempt to win him over. If you do, he'll just start abusing the fuck out of you in order to keep you in line... Just get on with your own stuff.

...and look out for ow.

Agree with everything Donkey Please has said m

& he's gaslighting you whilst you're pregnant and vulnerable.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Sorry OP it must be hard. But you need to look out for yourself and look after yourself. This man is seeking an exit and if I were you once baby is born I'd be getting all papers and advice in order, without letting him know.

Don't be fooled - he has a plan. So you make sure you have yours

Good luck

Sleep deprivation because he has to get up early with a three year old? Honey, unless you mean early like four am and he works till 11pm then you’re being far to generous.

I agree with the others, he is being a dick. If he is gaslighting you then joint counselling would be pointless, sorry

You have failed to live up to his unrealistic expectations.
Truly, he is showing you exactly who he is right now when you are at your weakest.
Do not dismiss it. It only gets worse from here.

I would tell him, that given how hard this pregnancy has been and him being a twat I’m not sure I want to spend rest of my life with him.

He’s been good getting up early with your son! Erm well he is a parent of a child too.

Seriously he said that about being there at the birth? Who fuck says that 2 weeks before u due

Positive birth experience is not having a bellend there, do you have any family?

I’m sorry but it sounds like your husband has had his head turned, he likely is resenting you because he thinks his life will be so much better if he is with this other person. He knows that he will look like a complete and utter disgrace if he leaves you for another woman, especially when you are 38 weeks pregnant! So he is creating this persona of you, the cruel, horrible wife who is destroying his life and stopping him from living the life he wants.

This is gaslighting and a sadistic form of abuse! When did the separate beds start? Did he instigate it, as I feel that could be the moment he checked out of your relationship. You do not need separate beds just because you are breastfeeding.

I am sorry to hear about your SPD, I had it severely during both pregnancies, my husband was kind, thoughtful and cared for me tenderly , that is what a good husband should be doing! My husband took over cooking, cleaning, laundry and did not need to be nagged to do so!

I would tread very carefully, do you have equal ownership to the family home? I would gather together every document that is important, birth or marriage certificates, passports (yours and your sons), bank statements, mortgage statements even photos etc. Get all of them to a friend or family members house. How did your husband treat you during your first pregnancy and birth? Unfortunately it is not uncommon for men to show a nasty side of themselves when their partner/ spouse is pregnant.

You have described gaslighting, which is a form of abuse. Please read the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. There is an online copy, I will link it on this post. Please call a close friend/ relative and ask them to support you during the birth. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband chooses to leave once your baby has arrived.You are going to need a close support network to help you both with your DS and with the emotional fallout. I would personally be checking my husbands phone/ car for a spare phone to see if he is cheating. You know that he is speaking lies about you, he is justifying something, either an affair, or choosing to walk out on his wife and tiny sons!

Good luck op.

unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Hi OP

Ok I’m going to offer a bit of a different perspective than the replies above, though I do agree what he has said is out of order and he is being a bit of a dick.

Looking at things from his point of view he is obviously taking on more than he normally would and whilst this is what he should do he had clearly grown a bit resentful of it. As you’ve mentioned you’ve discussed chores with him quiet a bit and he is feeling nagged as he already feels he’s doing more. I’m not saying he’s in any way right to behave as he has but I can see his frustration. You said you had an easy pregnancy first time round and that you would usually be active and socialise a fair bit but this pregnancy has been difficult and I imagine this has been somewhat of a shock to him. He obviously feeling impinged with the extra responsibility and the fact that life has changed in a way he hadn’t imagined and has probably borne feelings of resentment regarding the situation which is why he has lashed out.

My own first 2 pregnancies were a breeze but then my third knocked me much harder than I expected. My own DH is not naturally the sympathetic sort and struggled with the change of pace and was also at times frustrated with the situation and just wanted the old me back. He was also very stressed and worrying about me and about how our life was going to change (even more than it already had) once baby arrived. I’d suspect your partner feels similar.

For balance I’d suggest that perhaps due to nesting and the impending birth you’ve perhaps been a bit to chore oriented with him and it’s tipped him over the edge. I realise that I’m being kind to him here but giving him benefit of doubt I’d just leave him be a while give him time to calm down. It would be my hope that once he’s had a chance to calm and reflect on his behaviour that he apologises to you.

I hope that he is just stressed and upset with all the change and worrying about you, your son and baby. I hope he apologises and that you can work it all out.

Good luck for the birth.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply ladies. I really appreciate it.
I confess I’m a little shocked by your reactions against him. Up until today I’d known things weren’t great but I’m just so shocked with the horrible things he’s come out with today. I am really hoping he’s just had a day where he will look back and hang his head in shame????!!!
He is a good man and has done a LOT to support me this summer. He has been trying hard!!! It’s just apparently I say he can never do enough. My perspective is we’ve just had LOADS to do!!!
My son can wake any time between 5am and 7am. But on average 5.45am. My husband usually in bed by 10pm although has periods of insomnia in the night.
To be fair, I bf for nearly 2 years and did all the mornings for the first 2.75 years of my son’s life before my husband took over.

I am pretty certain from mutual friends that he is actually playing sport when he says he is so there is no an active other woman. There is potential that his head could have been turned at work but I hope not.

The only alternative option for my birth partner is my sister. She flies away on her first holiday in years tomorrow. She will help on her return if I’m still pg.

But I really need to get him on board so he can support me!!! I feel so sorry for my unborn son as I feel strongly that his father needs to be there at the birth...

I just can’t believe I’m writing this. I hope it’s just been a horrible horrible evening. I’m not sure many of our friends would recognise him from this post....

I’m new on here so don’t know how to tag people for individual responses...
I’ve had to google gaslighting!
Lillygolightly-I’m really hoping that is the case. He has been very supportive in the pregnancy in terms of doing things, and he does do lots of things without nagging.... but equally he doesn’t show any tenderness or love towards me...his response to my spd pain is the very practical suggestions that I lie down or do my exercises. Never a hug or a display of empathy....I just don’t think he really loves me anymore...

Separate rooms started in the heat wave as he couldn’t sleep. Since the heatwave stoped I’ve developed indigestion and burp in my sleep (nice!) and that was waking him. He is a very light sleeper so we did separate rooms when I bf first time round then moved back in again later

I don't believe your husband really meant what he said to you Helpleaseladies, it was said in the heat of the moment. In a day or two he'll be feeling sorry and back to normal.

Why don't you employ someone to do chores for a few hours a week, relieving both of you so you can enjoy eachother and relax without worrying about household duties. If only for a while it would be a great help.

This is a stressful time for you both and it strikes me you are both feeding the stress in eachother, without meaning to.

Don't let this spoil the short time left of your pregnancy, there are better days ahead. I really hope all goes well, you sound like great people.

I do understand. My husband lacked empathy as well during my pregnancy. I decided to focus on my own well being and not ask him to do things which were non essential. I think you need to conserve your energy now. You've probably only got two weeks max to go so just try and focus on your baby and how happy you'll be once he/she is born. I tried to get super prepared as well before the birth and my husband didn't get it. My baby is now four weeks old and i have to say I've had a lot more time to do chores than I thought I had. Remember the new baby will sleep most of the time and hopefully you will have alot of energy back once you have got the baby out (I did and it was my 3rd c section !).

I second getting a cleaner or some kind of home help in at least a few hours a week. It may be best not to even discuss this with your husband right now and just get someone in once the baby is born. When I need to do cleaning I put baby in a sling and I have a grabber stick to pick things up off the floor! Sometimes doing this is easier than asking my husband got help. He does help a fair bit but always has to be asked and got quite moody towards the end of my pregnancy with my requests. I think they have lower standards than us and don't feel these things need doing. I just accepted now somethings won't get done and focus on enjoying my newborn as I'll never get these days back again and most chores can wait.

My husband and I sleep in separate rooms too now and it works well so I have space to breast feed baby in bed and can not worry about waking him. I think it's fairly normal. Don't worry too much about that x

I think give it a few months after the baby is born to see how you feel as right now you've got spd, you're both stressed and under pressure. It's probably not the best time to try and resolve your relationship problems. Things with my own husband have got alot better since the baby has been born. It's been a happy time being with the new baby for both of us. I understand your fears about the labour but I do think he will be there when it comes down to it. If he's not there what can you do ? There's no point panicking now. Just be strong and be your own support if he can't. Yes it's shit that he's not being supportive but maybe he's just not capable of it and stressing yourself about it will not help now when you need to be strong, calm and focused to get through the birth. You will be ok, you can do this xx

do you have the means to have outside home help. so that the two of you can spend time together away from the toddler, house and new baby prep stress etc.?
is it possible that due to the pain of spd and wanting more done your tone of voice is sharp giving his complaints some merit?

I agree with Lillygolightly

Tiredness, stress, more responsibility, house refurbishment, anxiety on top of work can all be overwhelming. I am sure both of your lives have changed considerably and it sounds like the ‘fun’ has gone and life is dominated by an ever’growing ‘to do’ list.

My advice....choose your time to talk with him. Show him you are listening. That doesn’t mean fighting your corner but really listening to how he is feeling. Really hard to do but give him the opportunity to talk freely and openly without judgement. Listening is a sure way to starting to get your closeness back as a couple.

Also, thank him for all the positive things he is doing. When overwhelmed with tasks and chores it is so easy to forget to thank each other. Show that you are noticing the things he does and acknowledge them. Gratitude goes a long way towards building closeness but is so easily forgotten. You need each other right now. Don’t let one horrible interaction set the tone for the coming weeks as it can mushroom.

Good luck to you both.

NadiaLeon no I’ve not been unfaithful!!!! Wow!
My ‘sins’ of which I know I am guilty are potentially (?) using a harsh voice when asking him to fix yet another thing that has broken around the house and bursting into tears too quickly when I feel he’s not engaging with this baby....

NadiaLeon, what an incredibly stupid conclusion you have drawn.

When you say you 'admit you're no angel' that says infidelity to me. No wonder he is cross with you

What?! Your interpretation of that is that the OP has cheated?!

Everyone else thanks for your positive suggestions and comments

When you say you 'admit you're no angel' that says infidelity to me. No wonder he is cross with you.

Where on earth did you draw that conclusion from

I think it was said in a moment of anger and he is probably feeling very resentful. I think after one baby he thought things would probably go just as smoothly this time with socialising and still having the fun part of life. But he works, is doing more round the house, and most fun activities have stopped (I know he gets his hobby). He's probably stressed and tired, and I think most men who are already doing more and more, but the lost of chores is getting longer instead of shorter will break the camels back.
Moving into a house that needs loads of work doing, while your pregnant and unable to help while giving chores would be overwhelming.
But, he had no right to say what he said, and I know you don't choose for things to break or to struggle with this pregnancy. But from both sides i can see why you're both pissed off with each other tbh.
I don't think there's another woman at all.
And some men don't feel engaged with a pregnancy and it's not really "real" until the new baby is out. Maybe he's focusing on work and your DS because he thinks that's the best way to help.
I think you both need to try harder to see it from the others point of view, especially if your both normally very happy before the added stress of the new house And the bad pregnancy.

NadiaLeon do fuck off.

Either Nadia is the OP's husband, is a troll
on the wind up or is a genuine poster who is really thick.