38wks pg and husband says I’m a horrible person and he doesn’t know if he can support me through labour

[Helppleaseladies]

Hi ladies
I would really appreciate a fresh perspective as I’m feeling very lonely with a clock ticking as baby due in 2 weeks and don’t know where to turn....
I apologise for the long post but writing this has been helpful for me as I don’t know where to turn.
Today my husband and I had a horrible row which resulted in him saying
-I’m a horrible person
-he feels I drag him down and unless I change he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me
-he is prepared to let our 3 year old and unborn son grow up with separated parents because living with me drags him down too much
-I am due to give birth in 2 weeks and he doesn’t think he will be able to support me through birth unless I ‘start being nice to him’

These are clearly quite powerful statements which have left me feeling distraught and very anxious so close to birth. I admit we’ve not had the easiest year but the venom I’ve experienced today has left me shocked especially given I’m full term!

I admit I’m no angel but I feel my sins don’t really compare to these hurtful things.

Having had a very easy first pregnancy, this one has been physically very tough with spd. I am often in pain, particularly when I do too much. We have moved to an old large house requiring LOTS of maintenance. We have also entertained a LOT. All of which would have been possible had I had the health i’d had in my first pregnancy but has been too much for me this time round. He has been very good and done a lot around the house and with our son, including doing early mornings with our son (my husband is also naturally an early riser). My husband has a very flexible job so he has been able to find time to do these things whilst also playing sport a number of times a week. He also has come up with a new business idea and is spending a few hours a week pursuing this alongside his job, sport and household duties.
Reading this, it all sounds very ‘first world problems’ but I do feel that he has enough time in life to pursue his own interests so it’s not unreasonable for me to ask him to do more around the house given i have been incapacitated.
I still do a lot around the house and with our son but not as much as before-I’m now at 38wks pg rather tired! I have just stopped my part time job and now finally on mat leave. However apparently I have been nagging him about chores and am constantly stressed by the amount of things I have to do. For my part, I admit that there have been moments when I have been stressed however right now I’m just being busy and productive and just trying to nail as many of those dull chores before the baby arrives as I know I won’t have the time to do them once the baby arrives. I admit all these are not essentials (hospital bag was done a few weeks back) but I do think that getting ahead on things now (eg batch cooking, making sure my son has clothes that fit him for winter) is worth it given it’s harder to do things like this with a newborn.

I think he sees what I see as practical preparations as me being ‘constantly stressed’ And ‘a horrible person’

This week, he’s been in a foul mood with me. Specifically , the things I’ve done to annoy him are
-ask him not to invite a friend round to our house on the evening i’d booked to have a massage in our open plan house on the grounds I didn’t want his friend to see me either mid massage or straight after when I wanted to go to bed
-he came home late from a work do and as we are currently sleeping in separate rooms due to both of us having sleeping problems, I’d asked him to pop in to say goodnight. My light was on and I was watching tv so I’d assumed he’d seen I was up but he didn’t come even when I shouted for him. When I then got up to find him he got annoyed at me as apparently I was having a go when all I was saying was I wanted to say goodnight.
-we had an argument today as had been talking about baby stuff and I feel like he’s not engaged in the process. He has not even tried to feel our very active baby kick. I feel like he’s hiding away from this pregnancy by absorbing himself in our son and his new business idea. I told him this and I admit I cried and got very upset as I do find this a very sad thought. He accused me of being too stressed.

Reading this back, I think our problems are
-his sleep deprivation due to early mornings with our son and his general insomnia
-trying to do too much (house stuff, trying to keep up a busy social life)
-poor communication

I would like to resolve this by calming things down and focusing on us. I would also like to try marriage counselling. He point blank refuses to do marriage counselling. He doesn’t want to spend more evenings together as he thinks I’m ‘dragging him down’ and he thinks we will spend it talking about chores. I admit we do spend quite a high proportion of our time talking about chores right now but only because we don’t actually have much time together due to joint socialising and his evenings playing sport!!!!

I am fearful about getting through labour as he’s told me he doesn’t know if he can support me through it. He told me tonight he ‘thinks I’m mad’ to try for a VBAC this time (had an elective last time). This was news to me as he said nothing during the appointment with the consultant last week!

I am also very conscious I’m about to go through a few months of sleep deprivation and separate beds due to breastfeeding. Not sure how things can improve in such circumstances!!!

So ladies....my questions to you are

-am I being unreasonable???
-what can I do in the VERY short term to get things back on track so we can have a positive birth and our son can have a positive welcome to the world???
-how can I persuade him to do marriage counselling so we can salvage this marriage in the medium term? We are definitely going though a rocky spell but I don’t think we are doomed as a couple and I want to make things positive for the sake of our sons.

Thanks in advance!!!

I would be making alternative plans for a birth partner who can be trusted. DP can take care of your other son while it's happening.

I think you and your husband need to find a time today to sit down for a calm chat with each other today. Ask him whether he meant what he said about being unsure whether he can support you through the labour. If he's not absolutely certain he can, then you need to tell him that you need to find someone else to be there instead. Someone you and the baby can rely on.

You say he has been uninvolved with this pregnancy? That would set off warning bells for me, especially if it's a contrast to how he was with the first pregnancy. However, you're giving birth soon, and I would therefore concentrate on myself and new child at the moment and getting through the next few months. His behaviour and attitude in this time will be telling

You can reassess the situation in a few months time.

My husband usually in bed by 10pm although has periods of insomnia in the night

I've suffered from insomnia, frequent night wakings due to the kids, at 4-5am starts for years - it doesn't give me the excuse to be a nasty bitch.

Your husband is treating you awfully. OP, i'm so sorry you're having to go through this, especially with a newborn due soon. It sounds like he just wants to remain as he was - either single, or when you were a couple prekids and just cannot accept the responsibilities he has now. He's basically being a giant prick, and you don't deserve it. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

I second the idea of looking into getting a doula

'l'm sorry to ask this. But. Is it possible he is seeing someone else or has had his head turned?'
THIS
Struck me as soon as l read your message my dear.

And I think everybody telling off a woman who is 38 weeks pg with spd for being a little stressy or irritable with her unsupportive partner should put a sock in it

And I think everybody telling off a woman who is 38 weeks pg with spd for being a little stressy or irritable with her unsupportive partner should put a sock in it

^^ this

Hes had his head turned.

Agree with a pp who said it would be interesting to see the other side (I am not minimising your distress though, OP).

There are often threads on here about "what's the stupidest thing you cried about/ got in a rage about when pregnant" which always make me laugh but by crikey I feel sorry for the husbands.

I do wonder whether you are at that sort of stage, hormonally, you can't see how scarily angry you are being over trivia, and he can't see it for what it is - a normal phase that is temporary and he needs to put up with for a couple more weeks - and thinks you have turbed into a monster.

How is it helpful to put fears into OPs head about another woman? I'm not getting that at all.

I think you're both just under a lot of stress OP and he said some things he didn't mean. Christ knows he wouldn't be the first person to do so. You need to talk to him today again and listen to what he's saying. Spend an evening together without discussing chores.

You're both under the cosh and you're all worked up which is perfectly natural. Talk it out and resolve to see this through together.

I really do feel for you OP and your DH was very wrong in what he said....BUT, I'm going to try and put it from his point of view..

A few years ago I had a very pressured full time job, a very needy elderly mother who lived 45 miles away and a DP who was unwell and wasn't coping well mentally with the necessary medication. Also DP was self-employed so due to illness unable to work and we already had a few money problems..... it was tough.

Each of these 3 had legitimate claims on my time and expectations of. What I should do for them. Each of them only considered their own demands and expectations. No matter how hard I tried or how much I did I was 'never good enough'. No matter how much I did it was not enough. Every day more jobs and more demands for me to fulfil- even as I'm writing this I can feel the hopeless, overwhelming desperation of it all - the constantly rising mountain of demands and the knowledge that it would never, ever be good enough.

I hated them all, I wanted them to disappear from my life, I wanted to be alone more than anything in the world. I didn't sleep properly, I was in a permanent state of panic and I felt totally useless and inadequate. I can't tell you how bad it was.

It sounds to me as if your DH may be going through something similar. I totally know that you're not intentionally overloading him and that there isn't much that you can do about it but maybe think about all the chores and decide which are absolutely 'mission critical' and which are just desirable but not essential. Baby's not going to care if a door's been painted or if a cupboard's been fixed, they just want loving parents who'll keep them happy and healthy.

I may be completely off the mark and he may just be an evil twat, in which case LTB, obviously! But seriously, do give it some thought because I know I did do and say some terrible things which I meant at the time but now deeply regret and I do feel that it could explain DH's behaviour.

I haven't read the whole thread but whilst he has said some horrible things it may just be he's reached the end of his tether.

If you'd have been the one to loose the plot you would blame it on the pregnancy and everyone would back you up but what can he blame it on?

You said yourself he more than pulls his weight at home and that you've been going on and on at him.

You're all just stressed and not giving time for each other, you don't even share a bed. It's like separate lives.

SPD is awful and I had it twice, strapping my hips and walking with crutches from 20 weeks but I still worked full time up until birth, looked after a toddler and did chores because we had to or we'd sink as a family. It's not for the DP to pick everything up.

People are mentioning OW BuntyII because unfortunately it happens on these threads time and time again. Frequently you will read about DHs who have become mean and distant only to find that there’s someone else waiting in the wings.

I feel very sad reading your post. Pg and birth is hard enough with a supportive partner. Telling you he’s not going to support you isn’t exactly going to make you less stressed if that’s what he wants?
I would be looking at hiring some help for the birth and also making plans for the future. This isn’t what a relationship should be like op.

This happens all the time: woman is expected to to take responsibility for household management; man does the jobs he wants to; when woman is forced to ask man to do more or take responsibility for any others, man frame this as ' nagging' thus she is 'nagging wife'; she is now branded as boring, nagging, not fun, not sexy, adding to his stress levels; man frames himself as being terribly unhappy in the marriage thus the marriage is unhappy and retreats further into social life, work or other woman; as he has been so happy, people understand when the marriage breaks down because he has been so unhappy for so long and he couldn't take it any more.

It sounds to me as if your DH may be going through something similar. I totally know that you're not intentionally overloading him

Awwww diddums

If he isn't usually like this,perhaps it is a combination of tiredness, stress, etc.
You do sound quite focused on things being done in a certain way. If your husband is pulling his weight, but still being criticised, I can see why this could be annoying.
But, I think the severity of his comments are uncalled for.
When my DH and I fall out, I find it's best to allow us both (mostly me) some time to calm down and get back some perspective.
When I came home from having given birth to our DD I was incandescent with rage at him. The house was a complete tip, no laundry had been done while I was in hospital, the crib hadn't been assembled (you get the picture) he hadn't done any of the tasks that I would have prioritised. But, he had been doing what he thought was important, he had cooked a lovely meal to welcome me home, had visited us daily in the hospital and had gone via the posh deli to bring me food every time, plus he had been working and looking after his 2 other kids and the dog.
It has taken me quite a few years to understand that when he does the things that he thinks are right, if it's not the same as what I would have preferred, he hasn't done it to annoy me.
Find the right time to talk and focus on communicating with each other.

Not sure that upping the ante by 'calling the twat out for the prick he is' and similar advice is really going to help. Is pouring more fuel on the fire really sensible? Most pregnant women and their children benefit from calm environments.

OP, it sounds like you and possibly your husband have pretty high standards with all this work, renovating, chores and jobs that must be done, new business ideas, lots of socialising, batch cooking, getting next season's wardrobe in, and it's all push, push, push to get everything done. And guess what: your mobility is impaired, you have a young child and another on the way, and it doesn't sound like you're getting any help in either. I'm a task-oriented type and aware that when I get something in my head ('the garage is a complete tip and must be cleared this weekend') I can be a pushy PITA to get it done. Yes, he said awful things, but perhaps it's a heat of the moment thing? is it really the last word on your relationship together and your future as a family? Can you both take a bit of time out and just have a meal together, watch a movie together, just chill for a bit and NOT talk about the long list of stuff that must be done?

The bit where he's got enough spare energy to play sport several times a week argues against the 'exhausted and at the end of his tether' theory

For the avoidance of doubt, because it wasn't clear from my post, I absolutely do not condone your husband's behaviour or the things he said to you.

And yes, he should be apologising to you too.

Something in his head and his world has changed OP

And counselling won’t change it

Stay calm , stay civil keep a moderate distance

Get through the birth and then assess - as if he has decided he it out (and is to weak to tell you ) there is not much that can be done frankly

It’s not you . He seems to have gone off the idea of marriage

Fuck him

OP - I would scale everything down, reach for the off button in your head. Your dh may have fallen temporarily out of like with you, that's recoverable.

Trying to control someone's behaviour by threatening to withhold support during labour is spectacularly cuntish imo, and borderline abusive.

The one thing that stood out to me is his refusal to feel the baby kick. He is absolutely aweful I’m so sorry. You need to sadly plan to be a single parent and leave this horrible person. I know you want to stay with him but he will just get worse.

He has said some pretty horrible things, I suspect he may not have meant them all in the cold light of day, but the only way to move forward is to talk to each other and work out what matters most to you as a couple and a family. I think some of the things you have talked about could be unreasonable. Can you just forget about the chores? I get that they are important to you, but that doesn't mean that they are important in the grand scheme of things - are they worth risking your relationship for?

Did you talk much together about the VBAC before deciding? Is he worried that something could happen to you?