38wks pg and husband says I’m a horrible person and he doesn’t know if he can support me through labour

[Helppleaseladies]

Hi ladies
I would really appreciate a fresh perspective as I’m feeling very lonely with a clock ticking as baby due in 2 weeks and don’t know where to turn....
I apologise for the long post but writing this has been helpful for me as I don’t know where to turn.
Today my husband and I had a horrible row which resulted in him saying
-I’m a horrible person
-he feels I drag him down and unless I change he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me
-he is prepared to let our 3 year old and unborn son grow up with separated parents because living with me drags him down too much
-I am due to give birth in 2 weeks and he doesn’t think he will be able to support me through birth unless I ‘start being nice to him’

These are clearly quite powerful statements which have left me feeling distraught and very anxious so close to birth. I admit we’ve not had the easiest year but the venom I’ve experienced today has left me shocked especially given I’m full term!

I admit I’m no angel but I feel my sins don’t really compare to these hurtful things.

Having had a very easy first pregnancy, this one has been physically very tough with spd. I am often in pain, particularly when I do too much. We have moved to an old large house requiring LOTS of maintenance. We have also entertained a LOT. All of which would have been possible had I had the health i’d had in my first pregnancy but has been too much for me this time round. He has been very good and done a lot around the house and with our son, including doing early mornings with our son (my husband is also naturally an early riser). My husband has a very flexible job so he has been able to find time to do these things whilst also playing sport a number of times a week. He also has come up with a new business idea and is spending a few hours a week pursuing this alongside his job, sport and household duties.
Reading this, it all sounds very ‘first world problems’ but I do feel that he has enough time in life to pursue his own interests so it’s not unreasonable for me to ask him to do more around the house given i have been incapacitated.
I still do a lot around the house and with our son but not as much as before-I’m now at 38wks pg rather tired! I have just stopped my part time job and now finally on mat leave. However apparently I have been nagging him about chores and am constantly stressed by the amount of things I have to do. For my part, I admit that there have been moments when I have been stressed however right now I’m just being busy and productive and just trying to nail as many of those dull chores before the baby arrives as I know I won’t have the time to do them once the baby arrives. I admit all these are not essentials (hospital bag was done a few weeks back) but I do think that getting ahead on things now (eg batch cooking, making sure my son has clothes that fit him for winter) is worth it given it’s harder to do things like this with a newborn.

I think he sees what I see as practical preparations as me being ‘constantly stressed’ And ‘a horrible person’

This week, he’s been in a foul mood with me. Specifically , the things I’ve done to annoy him are
-ask him not to invite a friend round to our house on the evening i’d booked to have a massage in our open plan house on the grounds I didn’t want his friend to see me either mid massage or straight after when I wanted to go to bed
-he came home late from a work do and as we are currently sleeping in separate rooms due to both of us having sleeping problems, I’d asked him to pop in to say goodnight. My light was on and I was watching tv so I’d assumed he’d seen I was up but he didn’t come even when I shouted for him. When I then got up to find him he got annoyed at me as apparently I was having a go when all I was saying was I wanted to say goodnight.
-we had an argument today as had been talking about baby stuff and I feel like he’s not engaged in the process. He has not even tried to feel our very active baby kick. I feel like he’s hiding away from this pregnancy by absorbing himself in our son and his new business idea. I told him this and I admit I cried and got very upset as I do find this a very sad thought. He accused me of being too stressed.

Reading this back, I think our problems are
-his sleep deprivation due to early mornings with our son and his general insomnia
-trying to do too much (house stuff, trying to keep up a busy social life)
-poor communication

I would like to resolve this by calming things down and focusing on us. I would also like to try marriage counselling. He point blank refuses to do marriage counselling. He doesn’t want to spend more evenings together as he thinks I’m ‘dragging him down’ and he thinks we will spend it talking about chores. I admit we do spend quite a high proportion of our time talking about chores right now but only because we don’t actually have much time together due to joint socialising and his evenings playing sport!!!!

I am fearful about getting through labour as he’s told me he doesn’t know if he can support me through it. He told me tonight he ‘thinks I’m mad’ to try for a VBAC this time (had an elective last time). This was news to me as he said nothing during the appointment with the consultant last week!

I am also very conscious I’m about to go through a few months of sleep deprivation and separate beds due to breastfeeding. Not sure how things can improve in such circumstances!!!

So ladies....my questions to you are

-am I being unreasonable???
-what can I do in the VERY short term to get things back on track so we can have a positive birth and our son can have a positive welcome to the world???
-how can I persuade him to do marriage counselling so we can salvage this marriage in the medium term? We are definitely going though a rocky spell but I don’t think we are doomed as a couple and I want to make things positive for the sake of our sons.

Thanks in advance!!!

OP, he is forming a narrative in his head to accompany a withdrawal from this relationship you have. In this narrative, you are being cast as the villain for simply having a physical problem that means you are unable to do all that you used to do, for not acting in a supporting role in the movie starring him (i.e. his life, in his head) and he has heaped on some character assassination.

There may or may not be anyone else involved. It's very possible there is nobody.

It is likely that the sudden shock of dealing with the practical realities of home life and caring for his own son in the mornings has soured him. On top of that, you are preoccupied with your health. You say you were the one who did all the mornings with DS for over two years, breastfed (so he had no might feedings to manage), took care of the house (which he has had to step up and do while you have spd).

The venom he has spat at you wrt your upcoming labour and the sort of person youare bespeaks a man who not only feels very sorry for himself but lacks the smallest shred of empathy.

The threat that he would not support you through labour unless you behaved yourself is incredibly abusive. This is a man who deeply resents having to behave like a caring human being and sees your pregnancy as a threat to him, to his position, to his notions about himself.

Quite often, men who are basically abusive, entitled, and feeling resentful that they are not the centre of the universe any more take it out on their partners/wives during pregnancy and in the post partum period. There is a significant uptick in DV in pregnancy - this is often the time when abuse first rears its ugly head. The fact that the woman is occupied with her own body (especially if there is a problem in the pregnancy) seems to enrage certain types of men. I think yours fits this category.

I would phone around like crazy and find a labour doula, and another who will be able to take care of DS at the drop of a hat when you go into labour, and tell your H that he can take his pity party elsewhere, literally.

I was just trying to unpack what the OP meant with 'No angel and getting to the bottom of the hostility of the OH.

He's being very nasty. Getting up early with his son isn't doing you a favour, it's his son!

Pp are being harsh when suggesting he's checked out of the marriage, but it's probably the voice of experience. Prepare yourself mentally for the fact that it may happen, so you're not completely blindsided if it does.

I wish that I'd been on MN when I was going through similar, instead of having friends and family giving me advice about how to 'calm' the situation. Sometimes appeasing isn't the answer, as they don't want to be appeased, they want to be gone.

Sorry you're hearing such harsh judgements on the situation, but I suspect you wouldn't have posted if you didn't already know you were in a bad situation.

Nadia thanks for that cuntish opinion fucks sake

OP - what math said, also tell your DH to stop being a twat, put his big pants on and grow up. Do not enable this behaviour to continue, he's being a prick and call it out each and every time. You can do this

I was just trying to unpack what the OP meant with 'No angel and getting to the bottom of the hostility of the OH

No, you assumed that it meant the OP had cheated, and stated that it was no wonder her partner was mad at her.
I’m no angel. I get really angry when I’m hungry, and whinge too much when I’m tired. I’ve never cheated in my life.

Gaslighting you? having an affair? where on earth is evidence of this? This is another one of those OPs where I yearn to hear the other side of the story. Whatever is going on, I can well understand your being stressed and feeling that he's not being supportive. On the other hand, if a partner shouted at me demanding I come to them and then sought me out to berate me for not saying 'good night', for god's sake, I'd be in foul humour. If my partner insisted that the limited time we had on our own were used discussing chores I'd be in foul humour.

I'm sorry you're unhappy and I hope that's only a temporary state. But I don't know whether he has reason to be fed up and so said what he did only in the heat of the moment or whether he's a jerk revealing his true colours.

NadiaLeon, don't be ridiculous - there's no suggestion of that in any of the OP's posts!

OP It sounds like you're both stressed out with the house and exhaustion. People can say terrible things in the heat of the moment, and regret them too. It doesn't necessarily mean he has another woman - that's quite a leap to make! He may be inconsiderate, even lazy, or perhaps not functioning well due to his insomnia. He perceives your need to have the chores done as nagging, but you, naturally, want things to be "right" or "perfect" for your baby's arrival. It sounds like you're in nesting mode

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say there might be communication issues.

I am so sorry no wonder you feel wretched , he has been cruel to you
So being practical first
Please get a cleaner and someone in to do the repairs straightaway
Then start interviewing Doulas, you really need positive support at this time and as he has informed you he is unable to do that then please just for now concentrate and prioritise you and your baby as he should be doing. If your sister can help when she gets back all,the better.
Tell him your plan, you really do not need an unsupportive 'partner ' in the delivery room with you, it will cause all sorts of problems for as I'm sure you are aware
I know that sounds drastic but really please just concentrate on the next month or so and then when you are physically and emotionally stronger you can re visit your relationship
You never know he may step up, you may want him to shop out

In the history of the human race, male partners at the birth is a very recent phenomenon, and not everyone is comfortable with it.

Gaslighting you? having an affair? where on earth is evidence of this?

Whether he is or not, he's being a shit. Nobody should have to put up with this additional stress when heavily pregnant. Unfortunately, that's when some partners start swinging their balls around and putting women in their place at the bottom of the heap.

Second that that Nadia is trolling on.
Get a life you fool.

*thread

nadialeon derails every thread. Ignore.

He’s being a wanker. Whether you are being a bit chore driven or not (and I actually don’t think it’s highly likely given how much time he’s still finding to play sport & socialise) and whether you are pregnant or not, it’s your house too and you’re a allowed to say you don’t want people around all the time and especially when you have a massage arranged.

Saying he doesn’t know if he can support you through your birth? The birth of his child? I’d have told him he’s no longer invited. End of. It’s your body, your pregnancy - your choice and you don’t need someone there that’s going to stress you out.

Saying he doesn’t want to be with you if you’re ‘not nice’ to him...I’d tell him to leave. If he can’t support you and be understanding when you’re having a difficult pregnancy carrying his child, he’s not a man I’d want to be with.

I’d far rather be a single parent, than a partner to a wankbadger I have to walk on eggshells around in case he leaves.

Priority. Find yourself a new birth partner.

I did this for a friend for a vbac (I was a bit nervous) as her DH needed to look after DC1. You need someone to reassure, encourage and support you totally.

Nct do a scheme I think, or goggle locally.

He should be more understanding of your situation, if you have a 3 year old he should understand all that pregnancy involves. If it was me I would call his bluff, say okay then fine leave then and I bet you he’ll be falling over himself to help you because that’s not the answer he expects.
DP thinks that because he works a few longer hours than me that it entitles him to be exempt from chores, not realising that I come home from work and sort the kids out etc. I have a condition that causes shit loads of problems but I crack on because I have to. I’ve given up a lot to suit our situation.
Maybe until the baby is born he should give up something to help you out.

I think you're both tired and stressed - and you're probably hormonal as well.

My advice, from what you've written, is that you should focus on your own health, but particularly try to calm yourself down! Things will get done, and you don't have to take responsibility for everything right now.

I reckon your husband said those things as part of an angry, resentful outburst.

From a Transactional Analysis point of view, your relationship has shifted from being adult to adult from being parent to child - you're behaving like the parent (all this talk about chores etc) and pushing him into the position of being a child - and so he's behaving like one now. That outburst was very childish.

Stop trying to parent him!

I don't think you need marriage counselling, from what you've written, but that's a moot point given that your husband won't go anyway!

Relax.

Take time out of your day, and try and do the same for him.

I know you're hugely pregnant, so it might not be so easy, but could you get a babysitter and just go for a drink/meal out with your DH instead? Or the cinema? Do something pleasurable rather than focusing on bloody housework!

Good luck.

From a Transactional Analysis point of view

He's an arse.

I can't see any evidence of gas lighting here. I have been gas lighted by an expert so I do know what it's like.

He is pissed off with you for whatever reason. You are pregnant but he is still pissed off with you. Ask yourself HAVE you done any of the things he is upset with? Have you?
In an ideal world he would have bitten his tongue and waited for you to give brith and get through the first 3 months.

Being pregnant isn't an excuse for being an arse, but of course he should be making allowances for the fact that you are about to give birth.

You don't sound very much fun OP.
A relationship has its ups and its downs of course but if it has a firm foundation of loving kindness, respect, appreciation and old fashioned humour...(not sweating the small stuff?) you can usually get matters back on track.

You don't sound very much fun OP. That's probably the SPD... you know, pain!!!!

Hi OP.

What a stressful time you’re having.

To put things into perspective I have said horrible things to DH that I don’t really mean when exhausted/stress.

Being woken non stop by newborn twins with 2 other children under 2 and selling our flat and being skint due to another run of unplanned mat leave took its toll. I told him I hated him. I didn’t and don’t, I love the bones of him but I was so stressed and he did something vaguely annoying (that I can’t remember). We laugh about it now and we work hard to not let silly little arguments result in us saying cruel things that we don’t actually mean.

I think your DH is being totally unreasonable but is it possibly a manifestation of his sleep deprivation/stress levels as opposed to a reflection of his true feelings?

You are in pain, exhausted and realistic about what is coming. He needs to grow up but I hope for both your sakes he is just talking in anger.

Good luck-you’re a hero

If you’re tho king that you need to behave during labour then it could inhibit the labour process itself. I would find another birth partner whose support is not conditional. He doesn’t need to be there.

Take a step back and ignore most of the ‘asvice’ You have got here.
Is he always as mean to you or has he just said these things in anger.
Today is a new day. If you talk calmly and he still hs similar feelings then you may need to re-evaluate things.
Take a step back on the chores. Jobs will wait.
And life does not stop because you have a newborn.
You will be able to get to the shops to buy your son clothes. There will be lots of other things you can get done with a newborn.
Why not see if you can get a babysitter and go for a meal or the cinema.
Try and reconnect as a family of 3 for the next couple of weeks.
It sounds as if it’s been overwhelming for you both over the last few months.
Work on your relationship now - that’s what’s important

*advice

...could you get a babysitter and just go for a drink/meal out with your DH instead? Or the cinema? Do something pleasurable rather than focusing on bloody housework!

Or could he get the babysitter, a bunch of nice flowers and a massive apology?

Seriously, the woman has spd and a toddler and is 38 weeks pregnant, and she is to do this emotional spadework to give the waste of space a nice night out?

This has become a power play and neither of you come out of this looking good. You both appear to be behaving in ways to assert yourselves by getting by belittling the other. It’s a bad habit and it needs to stop, it’s not a bloddy competition. Neither of you are prepared to compromise because you both want to be right. I am a adovcate of marriage counselling but in this case I would be reluctant to sign up for it because I think it would be used as stick and another opportunity for the other person to be ‘right’.

I get it, you want things done before the baby arrives and you are not able to do these things yourself but woman, chill! I got exhausted just reading about your chore obsession. Your house is clean and your son is being cared for, what more is there that really needs doing. The winter stuff for your child could be done online in ten minutes, it shouldn’t be stressful or needs to be discussed.

This is a stressful time and one of you is slightly incapacitated, which should be the moment where priorities are made rather than maintaining expectations of yourself or your partner.

His words were cruel and hurtful but I hope it’s just a pattern of behaviour that you’ve both fallen into, where things are said to hurt the other. However, don’t rise to it (which is part of the pattern) and take him at his word and arrange for alternative support. This way he knows that you won’t be manipulated by his twattery and that he will be the only one losing out if he makes good on his threat.

I can feel your stress but I think a lot of it is unnecessary and it really is hard to invest in another persons anxieties when you just aren’t and especially when you feel you are already are being accommodating of them.

Take a massive step back and to stop engaging in or contributing to, this unhealthy cycle of ‘being right’. You both need to listen and compromise and accept that your way, isn’t the only way.