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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed DP lied about strippers on brothers stag do - its not the strippers its the lying which has pissed me off!

58 replies

Witchofwisteria · 07/09/2018 14:48

Just that really, wasn't expecting him to say he stood outside whilst all the other stags went inside, I told him I don't like the idea of a strip club but I told him I knew I would have to accept it as its a stag do!

He called me the day after the night out and said "we just went to bars and then a casino" I specifically asked what about a strip club and he insisted nobody went to one.

I only found out last night because a few of the cock wombling stag members came over to our house and was talking about it. I said "yeah but DP didnt go did he" - (he mentioned a few of the group split off at one point so I assumed that this would be it). So they all erupted into laughter and he was basically caught red handed, so everyone also assumed I am a horrible GF that forbade him from going and a mug for believing his lies. I laughed it off and went up to the bedroom. DP came up after they all left and asked what was wrong, to which I replied - my issue is not that you went, its that you LIED. He said he lied to protect my feelings, but I am having none of it and feel very cross and hurt by it. He was a total prick and muttered that I was pathetic and then proceeded to turn over and go to sleep. I wasn't looking for a big fight but he would not even apologize or acknowledge he is being unloyal by lying to me.

Generally speaking we are very honest with eachother (I THOUGHT) and I thought he would of had enough respect and balls to tell me. I'm really cross as we have had many conversations about his brother, who constantly has to lie to his GF because she can be so unreasonable about his totally reasonable plans. He has heard me say many times how hurt I would be if I was her being constantly lied to because hes too scared of her reactions.

I now know my partner of 5 and a half years, who I have a child with is totally comfortable lying point blank to my face, which has made me feel very uneasy.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he has lied, I know a lot of people are going through a lot worse but its just really irked me and feel too embarrassed to actually ask anyone about it.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 08/09/2018 15:26

It's a shame as all his friends will think you're upset about him going to the strip club which you aren't.

I'd rather my DH not go to strip clubs however those women who say "my DH won't be, he doesn't like them, he finds them degrading to women". Come on. If a relative or close friend was going to one for their stag do are you really saying that he would go home? You're the type of woman that will get lied too!!

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 15:29

Um no Louise, as I have previously stated, some of us set the bar a little higher when choosing a partner.

What is upsetting about this thread is the number of women who are seemingly ok with their partners paying money to see naked women and being hideous misogynists. Have some self respect FGS!

louise5754 · 08/09/2018 15:31

And I assume he also tells you he doesn't watch porn?

louise5754 · 08/09/2018 15:33

Also the post was really aimed at@fantasmasgoria1

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 15:35

He is a feminist ally and understands that if he watches porn he could be watching a trafficked woman being raped which is a bit of an erection killer if one thinks about it. Which thankfully he does.

Don't judge my husband by your low standards.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 08/09/2018 15:35

And I assume he also tells you he doesn't watch porn

Mine tells me that

I know he would have seen some as a young man...but now he is more mature he doesnt Grin

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 15:36

It's an open thread, I can chip in wherever I please.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 08/09/2018 15:37

Also the post was really aimed at@fantasmasgoria1

Too late !!!

I'm a slow typer

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 08/09/2018 15:59

It’s an LTB from me

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2018 16:07

He sounds like a twat. He's in the wrong and he doesn't even apologise. Why have you been with him for 5 years? I wouldn't have this nonsense for 5 minutes

DumptonPark · 08/09/2018 16:19

To be fair on him (because men are simple creatures) you didn't really make your feelings clear to start with. You said you don't like them but you knew you'd have to accept it, so when you put him on the spot on the phone he wasn't quite sure if he'd get a bollocking so he denied it. Then back at home when you found out he was probably embarrassed in front of his friends so took that out on you.
Not saying what he did was right but men are a different breed!

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 16:32

Men are not 'simple creatures' and they do not need to be mummied by women.
They are not a 'different breed' either - stop making excuses for men's poor behaviour, hold them accountable and treat them like adults. Why on earth do women put up with this shit?

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 16:32

Then back at home when you found out he was probably embarrassed in front of his friends so took that out on you

So, OP it's all YOUR fault.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 08/09/2018 16:36

Totally agree with starcrossedseahorse

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2018 22:22

Men are not 'simple creatures' and they do not need to be mummied by women.
They are not a 'different breed' either - stop making excuses for men's poor behaviour, hold them accountable and treat them like adults. Why on earth do women put up with this shit?

Completely agree.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/09/2018 17:51

What posts are aimed at me and why? Is someone having a go at me?

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/09/2018 17:56

I trust my fiancé. He doesn’t watch porn either. People have said before im naive but I’m not. My exes were addicted to porn and I know the signs. My fiancé is not interested. He has on occasion when younger watched some tame stuff but he just isn’t interested in it. I know a few men who aren’t interested in it!

ferntwist · 09/09/2018 18:09

How did the wedding go OP? Not surprised you’re upset, disappointed and hurt after him not only lying to you, but getting nasty after he was found out. What an idiot. I hope you’ve finally had an apology?

Mad6kids · 09/09/2018 19:35

My partner went on a stag, booked a stripper for the group then text her saying he was so sorry all his friends were awful to her . I checked his texts as he was out until 6am while o was home with our children . So no I don't think you're being unreasonable however i would love the shoe to be on the other foot and see how these men would like it the other way round !

chrisinthesun · 10/09/2018 00:07

@starcrossedseahorse you sound very angry and defensive. Getting all cross and shouty with people who think differently to you.

Has someone hit a raw nerve?! Hmm

@Witchofwisteria you have a right to be pissed off, but you need to get over it. As has been said, you can hardly blame your partner for sneaking about if you're going to 'forbid' him from doing things! Not a very good basis for a strong, trustworthy relationship is it?!

You need to talk to him, and explain WHY you are upset, and not be swayed by the views of angry, opinionated posters who clearly have very low opinions of men! Hmm

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/09/2018 03:49

Op completely agree , personally I couldn't care less if my partner watches porn or went to a strip club but if he lied to my face then we would be having a serious chat.
I had an issue with dp doing this about something when we first got together,cause he didn't want to upset me, took me kicking him out for a few hours for him to grasp how serious it was and no issues since.
Partners can't lie to you - I'd forgive if you can but make it clear lying to your face ever again is a deal breaker

starcrossedseahorse · 10/09/2018 18:01

chrisinthesun so I have a low opinion of men because I know that there are decent men in the world who would not frequent strip clubs? Ummm - ok then.

Yes I do get angry - I get angry that the world seems to be full of misogynist dickheads who watch porn and visit strip clubs and perhaps prostituted women because it means that they couldn't give a shit about women. I know that it is men who are at fault but if women didn't put up with this shit then things would change more quickly. I don't blame the women who put up with this bullshit but I genuinely do not understand it because these men do not see women as equals and that is a dealbreaker for me.

And to have a pop at me because I think this way just seems all back to front to me.

tigercub50 · 10/09/2018 18:14

DH watches porn occasionally but he’s completely open about it & it doesn’t worry me.

starcrossedseahorse · 10/09/2018 20:49

But why doesn't it worry you that he could be watching trafficked women getting raped? Why don't you care?

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/09/2018 21:08

Honestly yes some porn is of forced women but a lot isn't and is people treating it like a job. Men in the porn I dustry are largely paid less and treated the same as the females. I'm a woman and I watch porn occasionally. I don't see an issue with it or tbh with strip clubs - other than fact it's stupid to pay so much for basically no return.
Dp did got to a strip club on his stag as mates sorted it, he said it was boring and not his thing but he does watch porn sometimes.
The point isn't really the strip club/porn it's the not being open and the lying. Lying in any relationship to someone's face when directly asked about something is a big big no

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