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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed DP lied about strippers on brothers stag do - its not the strippers its the lying which has pissed me off!

58 replies

Witchofwisteria · 07/09/2018 14:48

Just that really, wasn't expecting him to say he stood outside whilst all the other stags went inside, I told him I don't like the idea of a strip club but I told him I knew I would have to accept it as its a stag do!

He called me the day after the night out and said "we just went to bars and then a casino" I specifically asked what about a strip club and he insisted nobody went to one.

I only found out last night because a few of the cock wombling stag members came over to our house and was talking about it. I said "yeah but DP didnt go did he" - (he mentioned a few of the group split off at one point so I assumed that this would be it). So they all erupted into laughter and he was basically caught red handed, so everyone also assumed I am a horrible GF that forbade him from going and a mug for believing his lies. I laughed it off and went up to the bedroom. DP came up after they all left and asked what was wrong, to which I replied - my issue is not that you went, its that you LIED. He said he lied to protect my feelings, but I am having none of it and feel very cross and hurt by it. He was a total prick and muttered that I was pathetic and then proceeded to turn over and go to sleep. I wasn't looking for a big fight but he would not even apologize or acknowledge he is being unloyal by lying to me.

Generally speaking we are very honest with eachother (I THOUGHT) and I thought he would of had enough respect and balls to tell me. I'm really cross as we have had many conversations about his brother, who constantly has to lie to his GF because she can be so unreasonable about his totally reasonable plans. He has heard me say many times how hurt I would be if I was her being constantly lied to because hes too scared of her reactions.

I now know my partner of 5 and a half years, who I have a child with is totally comfortable lying point blank to my face, which has made me feel very uneasy.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he has lied, I know a lot of people are going through a lot worse but its just really irked me and feel too embarrassed to actually ask anyone about it.

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 07/09/2018 14:55

Yanbu. Sparing your feelings?! Angry. I'd be worried what else he has 'spared your feelings' about. His friends sound like idiots too.

Jengnr · 07/09/2018 14:55

He lied to you and humiliated you as a result.

He’s a prick. Too spineless to stand up to his friends and not go, too spineless to own it and be honest once he’d done it and he’s left you looking like the one at fault.

Fuck that noise!

Original poster
Witchofwisteria · 07/09/2018 15:04

100% I am having to swallow most of my feelings about this as his brothers wedding is tomorrow and I want us to all go and enjoy as opposed to be recovering from an awkward fight. We have spent enough to go that's for certain when you factor in the hotel, clothes and wedding gift.

I'm just going to have to make it clear that I now will not trust what he says. I am going with a "i'm disappointed" type of vibe as opposed to screaming and shouting.

Oh and that "stag do reunion" that will probably cost another £400 we don't have... yeah I think we will just say that is absolutely fucking cancelled.

OP posts:
NinetySixer · 07/09/2018 15:11

YANBU

I have a similar arrangement with my DP. I don’t care if he goes to strip clubs on Stag Dos but don’t lie about it.

I know lots of women who forbid their spouses from going to stripclubs and they still go and just lie to their spouses. These are pillars of the community men with respectable lives and who’s wives will probably be a long soon to tell you you should leave your DP for going to a strip club and how their DP thinks they are abhorrent.

I never wanted to be one of those lied to spouses. I too would question what else he could lie about.

lowtide · 07/09/2018 15:13

Yeah it’s the lie that’s the problem in this. I would sit down after the wedding and talk calmly about it with him.
People lie all the time, we apparently lie at least three times a day! But you asked him outright and he lied.
I have done the same, I had to take a long hard look at myself and think about why I automatically came out with a lie and not the truth. The key will be if he is able to do this and change his attitude towards the lie. And not do it again.

Pressuredrip · 07/09/2018 15:16

YANBU. I have no respect for misogynist men anyway but liars are even worse.

HelenaDove · 07/09/2018 15:37

Tell him you have a new job as a stripper and call him patheitic when he objects..................which im sure he wont as im sure hes not a hypocrite

Original poster
Witchofwisteria · 07/09/2018 15:39

I have sent him a text to say I'm picking up pizza for tea but I'm still disappointed by his decision to lie and keep lying. That I want to talk about it later but don't want a bad atmosphere or big fight.

He has a tendency to be SOOO dramatic but I'm not prepared to let this go without at least attempting to lay down massive guilt on him.

Maybe i will punch the pizza on the way back to the car, or drop it "accidentally" as revenge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witchofwisteria · 07/09/2018 15:40

@helenadove if only I had the body of a stripper haha

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/09/2018 15:49

YANBU. If he knew you'd go mad I can kind of understand it but you'd already discussed it and said you would accept it so there is really no excuse. And it's even worse that now he knows he got caught out in a lie, he's turning it round on you and minimising his actions. So lying and now minimising it - not on

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/09/2018 15:51

Also calling you pathetic is horrible

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 07/09/2018 15:59

He's pathetic for lying.

If you're partner is not okay with you going to a strip club then you discuss it. Ultimately they have to accept you'll do what you want but they are within their rights to leave over it.

Lying about it though makes him very cowardly - he clearly has no respect for your feelings.

Crunchymum · 07/09/2018 16:06

Is the lying brother and the unreasonable GF the couple getting married? If so I'd not bother attending the wedding as the marriage ain't going to last.

Stag do reunion? Are you fucking kidding me?

As for your DP, if he lies about things he doesn't need to lie about, what lengths could /would he go to in order to keep anything dodgy from you? Shock

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2018 16:09

Now you know when he does anything he thinksyou don't like, he's happy to lie to your face about it.

OlennasWimple · 07/09/2018 16:27

YANBU

Personally strip clubs are a red line for me (DH knows this). You know you don't "have to accept" going to strip clubs as completely normal for a stag do?

Does DP understand how much he has hurt you by lying? And how it has been compounded by his dickhead mates?

fantasmasgoria1 · 07/09/2018 16:41

My fiancé has never been to a strip club and wouldn’t go as he said he has no interest. If he went to one and even admitted it we would have a very serious issue. If he went and lied I think that would be it for us. The lying is the worst part really, as others said what else could he lie about?

Mandarine · 07/09/2018 17:02

OP, I think what would annoy me more than the strip club itself and also more than the lying about it, would be his reaction to seeing you clearly upset about this. Calling you “pathetic” is very hurtful - does he often speak to you like this?

He has lied. Now he needs to accept this, acknowledge your feelings, apologise and find a way to make amends. It’s as simple as that.

ionising · 08/09/2018 14:45

I would actually leave and have. He needs to realise how serious this is.
He sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all and it’s you in the wrong.

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 14:49

He is a misogynist prick who goes to strip clubs AND he is a liar. Sounds like a real fucking catch.

lovetherisingsun · 08/09/2018 14:57

I get where you're coming from, OP. It's the lying that does you in - because if they can lie so "honestly" and sincerely to your face about one thing, what else have they/can they lie about?

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 08/09/2018 15:00

When dh went to vegas on a stag do (i was 8 months pregnant) i said i didnt care what he did...but he had to tell me

' cos if i say 'bill' wouldnt do that and one of your friends smirks at me once ive wiped the smirk off his face im coming after you'

Was pretty much the wording i used

I would be furious if he lied to me like that and YANBU

starcrossedseahorse · 08/09/2018 15:02

I know lots of women who forbid their spouses from going to stripclubs and they still go and just lie to their spouses. These are pillars of the community men with respectable lives and who’s wives will probably be a long soon to tell you you should leave your DP for going to a strip club and how their DP thinks they are abhorrent

What a fucking grim post this is. Not all men are misogynists who pay women to expose themselves and many of us have no need to 'forbid' our partners from going to stripclubs. Some of us set the bar a little bit higher than 'he's going to do it anyway and I'd rather he didn't lie about it when selecting a partner. Jeez.

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2018 15:04

Stag do reunion would definitely be out and if he got dramatic I’d be very very clear that this was 100% caused by him. So if he could just take some responsibility for his own actions.

ImNotBusyImLazy · 08/09/2018 15:18

Who the fuck has a stag do reunion??? My guess is they all just want another excuse to go to a strip club.

I echo previous responses. I'd be peeved at the strip club but could have gotten over it relatively quickly if there was no lying involved. The lying "to protect your feelings" is BS. What else is he lying about to protect you from?? And then to make it worse he's trying to make himself the victim by calling you pathetic.

No stag do reunion and he would have to work really hard to earn my trust back.

Goodadvice1980 · 08/09/2018 15:20

Sorry you have been lied to like this Sad OP.

Did any of them confess to having a private dance whilst at the strip club?