To despise SIL

[Heavystream]

I’m sorry if the post is long and a bit hard to follow. My heads a mess and I’m trying as hard as I can to remember all information in order not to drip feed.

So as a bit of a backstory. I met DH in high school and we got in a relationship at 15. He never got on very well with his family, he loved them because they were his family but didn’t like them and wasn’t very close to them. I got on really well with his family, would go over every fortnight or so and we’d have a chat and they treated me like one of the family. He also got on well with my family.

At 18 we got married, we didn’t tell anyone as we knew everyone would think we were being stupid teenagers (which is expected). But we were very happy. DH moved into my house that I shared with my mum. SIL had just came home from Uni by the time this happened, so she came home to a house without her brother. She kicked up a big fuss, that really wasn’t anticipated as they weren’t close, and said I’d took her brother from her. We then said that she could come and visit us. So she did, everyday. We got barely any time just me and DH, as she was only working part time she would come over and sit with my mum until I returned from my full time job. She would then spend the whole day moaning about her life, how little money she had and asking for money off us (me and DH both had full time jobs at this point, we were saving up for uni and to get a house at some point but we definitely weren’t rich). Eventually DM said that she would like it is SIL could only come over twice a week as she felt as if she couldn’t get anything done with her there constantly. When we told SIL this she said we were being disrespectful and I wanted DH all to myself.

Not long after this me and DH moved away for Uni. We rented a flat nearby and were very happy. Near the end of our first year, when I was almost 20 and DH 20 I found out I was pregnant. We called the family and they were disappointed but knew we would cope and then became happy for us. Except SIL. Through the whole of my first pregnancy she called DH constantly begging him to come home and saying I was trapping him. She tried to convince me to get an abortion. Then when I gave birth I alerted all the family and told them I want no visitors at hospital and would like the time to bond with DS, and then settle in at home. But not long after we got a call from SIL saying she was at the hospital and couldn’t wait to see DS. I was very emotional and didn’t want an argument so I let her visit DS. She then didn’t leave us alone and stayed in a hotel nearby.

In the space of 3 years we had two other DC. Finished Uni and DH got a very well paying job, I started a business and we own a house quite far from where our family live. So we only really see family every now and then. It was DH who decided to move that far away, and I’ve also moved away from my family too. But SIL said that I’d dragged him away from his family and loads of other little comments like that. We tried to ignore it. And then at Christmas last year DH got a call in the middle of the night asking if he wanted to come up for a Christmas party she was having. He asked if me and DC were invited and she said no. He asked why and she said it was just a family thing. However all other family members boyfriends and girlfriends (including SILs boyfriend of 2 weeks) were invited. He said no, as he had DS1s nativity and he wouldn’t want to be away from us at Christmas. She then started saying that he was being abused by me, he can’t have his own life and his priorities are all wrong. He should be her brother before he is my husband and DSs father. After this we cut contact again other than at family events.

Then we told the family I was pregnant again. And she scoffed. She said I kept trying to trap DH. That I was abusing him. She also said the DC weren’t DHs due to different eye colour and hair colour. She’s told this to all of the family. She consistently calls me a cheater at family parties. She refused to call DC her nephews. And then recently said that the money she spent on a hotel to be near us when DS was born (that we didn’t ask for) meant that she couldn’t afford a deposit for a house and we’d have to pay her back. It was DFILs birthday the other week and she got him a card from her and her partner and then another from her and DH. When we went to give him a card SIL said that as me and DC weren’t his family there was no need. Following this I left with DC and DH followed me. All whilst she shouted at us saying we were taking him away from her and that she wouldn’t see him as a brother after this.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s making it out like I’m abusing DH. She’s just making our lives hell but it would be so hard to cut contact completely without making it awkward for family. It would also result in extended family seeing us as the bad ones. I just need advice, and to see if anyone has been in this situation.

Has your DH actually sat her down and asked her what the hell her problem is? Has he told her that the two of you are a set, and if she can't give you a basic level of respect then she wont be seeing either of you again?

I’m sorry I didn’t really include it in my OP. Yes, after every time something has happened (except for when DS1 was born as I really didn’t want a fuss, and when we first moved to my mums). DH has had a conversation with her. She says she’s sorry and that she just misses him and feels guilty because she wasn’t close to him when they were young. And everything goes okay for a couple of months. But then it goes back to normal.

Oh my god, she sounds batshit crazy, she sounds like a lot of work, I would go no contact with her and just see her at family occasions

She sounds obsessed in an unhealthy way about her brother, if I didn't know from your post that she was his sister I'd have thought she was in love with him ...there's something not right about how she is acting,

How is your relationship with your mother in law and father in law?..could you confide in them what she is like and how she is acting?..she is denying his kids are his and she wanted them aborted, and she is saying you and the kids aren't family (you are)..and giving father in law a card from her and your husband is like she was trying to mark her territory

Next time she freaks out about you and dh, stop her in her tracks by telling her dh is your husband, you and the kids are his priority, and that her behaviour is not normal for an adult, and then say to her anybody would think you had a crush on your own brother and want him for yourself the way you are behaving (and watch her reaction very closely)...it will be very telling

She sounds like a bitter ex-gf not his sister.

No practical advice other than to say she sounds like a loon!

She sounds unhinged!!

This really is up to your DH to deal with. He needs to step up and firmly put his sister in her place. He needs to stick up for you and stick up for his DC. I can’t believe he’s let his ds treat his wife and dc like this.

It’s ultimatum time. She needs to behave herself and accepts you all, or go no contact. You’ve put up with too much already!

and then say to her anybody would think you had a crush on your own brother and want him for yourself the way you are behaving (and watch her reaction very closely)...it will be very telling

^^this

Sounds like a very unhealthy attachment

I'd just tell her to Fu

That would be fuck off*

Sorry I don't have anything constructive, sometimes it goes beyond that point.

Her behaviour is really odd, and I'd find it so upsetting as well. Has dh spoken to his parents about it? I would cut contact as much as possible with SIL and try to see the rest of DHs family separately to her if you can. I've no real advice, but you're not being unreasonable at all. She sounds so hard to deal with

She sounds obsessed with her DB in a very unhealthy way. You and your DH sound rock solid and a tight family unit.

I am guessing she is maybe jealous that your family is lovely and the childhood she and your DH had was very different?

You really need to just keep away from her as hard as that might be.

What on earth do you PIL think of all this.

Your DH needs to sort this out you should not be put in situations where you are being verbally abused.

Personally I'd also look her in the eye and tell her to fuck off but doubt that will help.

If she can be so strange about this it must be clear to your husband's family that the problem is with her so try not to worry, they hopefully wont believe her. It could be damaging for your children to hear these comments though so maybe ask your dh to tell her that as long as she continues making these accusations you will not be spending any time with her. Explain this to his family also and ask them to visit you at your house separately. No real advice though as it is such a strange situation.

First of all thank you all!. It’s good to know she isn’t being normal!.

DH has spoken to her but she started sobbing last time and saying he didn’t love her.
We have practically gone NC with her except for at family parties, but at the last one she told me I was a cheat in front of all he family.
I get on very well with MIL and she agrees SIL is acting wrongly, but as she’s completley normal all the other time she doesn’t know what to do. FIL I’m not as close with but he called me after the birthday card fiasco to say me and DC are very much his family.
I do agree it seems like she has a crush on DH. I think she’s jealous because we are quite well off and she always expected for us to be poor. She still sees DH as her child and always has. She parented him more than this own parents, and not when he needed it. I think she likes to control everyone and because FIL and MIL are struggling for money she has power over them due to the fact that she has it, whereas we don’t need anything from her

So the rest of the family know what she's like and what she's doing. That's a massive plus.

Next time she kicks off, you know she will, try to blank out what she's saying, watch her as if she were a slightly odd laboratory experiment, and when she's finished just smile lightly and remark something like "how odd" and walk away.

She wants a reaction from you so don't give her one.
She wants you t9 take offence, so don't.
She wants you to leave in high dudgeon, so stay and at least try to look like you're enjoying being with everyone and the party's fun.

Sorry, there’s more replies than I realised and I haven’t answered them all.

Yes, DH has spoke to his parents. They’re supportive of his decision to not see her but every now and then his DM will get upset about it. PIL are stuck in a tricky situation as SIL is completley normal otherwise. She was lovely to me before Uni as well. I think she sees me as a threat but that’s so unnecessary because I love DHs family and would have no problem with him seeing them whenever he wanted.

DH and I are very close. We’ve been strong since we were children and I love him more than anything (other than DC). I just want him to be happy so I do feel guilty that I’ve caused such stress, although I know it’s not my fault.

I do think she’s jealous. She’s always wanted kids but has focused on her career. She’s only 28 now so still has a lot of time but she’s jealous that we’re so settled now.

I haven’t wanted to tell her to fuck off so many times, but it just never helps. DH does talk to them but she makes it so awkward for everyone. At the last family party I took DC to the car and waited for DH to talk to her. He told her that she shouldn’t speak to me like that, I’m his wife and his priority and she needed to grow up. She started sobbing and then told the family that he’s only saying this because I’m making him.

I do worry about the affect it has on DC as they’re only young (eldest has just started infants school and the others are 3 and under). I try and keep them out of the situation as much as I can. PIL and their partners are doting grandparents and I think if I say that it might be damaging the children they would understand a lot more.

The more I write about her the more I think something isn’t right. But she’s completley fine with everyone else.

I know exactly how you feel as I'm in a very similar situation myself except I have to deal with 2 crazy sisters, not just one. I have gone completely no contact with my fiance only talking to them if he has to. They have tried to break us up so many times, have threatened me, i'm not allowed to go to the family house etc... all i can say is make sure you know in yourself that you're not the bad person and do nothing to be or come across as the bad person and just keep being amazing in your life knowing that they can't affect it.

I’d record her rants on my ifone and play it back to the extended family — I doubt they are aware just how loony she is. This is obsessional behaviour and there would appear to be MH issues. In that light I’d be very vigilant round the DC if SIL is present in case she goes off the deep end.
Try to arrange occasions when you can meet up with the extended family without her. Or maybe Mil & fil can visit you for a couple of days. ( staying in a travelodge if you don’t have room) Stress to them that SIL will take advantage of the situation if she has prior knowledge.
Good luck

At 28 she's surely not that much older than her brother? 3 or 4 years at a guess?

I think you're fine so long as it's abundantly clear that you aren't controlling/abusing your DH.
All she's doing is making herself look unhinged. Hopefully she'll shack up with someone soon and it'll calm down the crazy.

For the meantime, just try and ignore the behaviour best you can and enjoy your wonderful sounding family

How much older than him is she?
Is there any chance he could be her child??? e.g. pregnant at 13, parents pretended the baby was her brother etc...

Is there any alcohol involved when she has these outbursts?

@Cliveybaby if she's 28 that would make the DH 15...

I really doubt that she is completely normal with everyone else in her life.

She needs professional help.

You're right not to give her space to be abusive.

Thank you again. It is a weird situation as I know I’m not in the wrong but can’t help but feel like I am. I think I might go NC with her and then DH can contact her if he wishes to.

DH is 25 and she is 28. It is very clear there is no abuse. The only people who worried were extended family who’d never met me properly.

She’s not DH’s mother.

At the family parties there is alcohol. And at FIL’s birthday. There possibly could’ve been alcohol involved when she invited DH to the Christmas party but other than that no.

She sounds like she's very immature.

Children behave as she did when she came back from university.

Everything wasn't as she left it, so she got upset.

She sounds batshit and you need minimal contact.

The advice you got from previous posters is spot on.