To despise SIL

[Heavystream]

I’m sorry if the post is long and a bit hard to follow. My heads a mess and I’m trying as hard as I can to remember all information in order not to drip feed.

So as a bit of a backstory. I met DH in high school and we got in a relationship at 15. He never got on very well with his family, he loved them because they were his family but didn’t like them and wasn’t very close to them. I got on really well with his family, would go over every fortnight or so and we’d have a chat and they treated me like one of the family. He also got on well with my family.

At 18 we got married, we didn’t tell anyone as we knew everyone would think we were being stupid teenagers (which is expected). But we were very happy. DH moved into my house that I shared with my mum. SIL had just came home from Uni by the time this happened, so she came home to a house without her brother. She kicked up a big fuss, that really wasn’t anticipated as they weren’t close, and said I’d took her brother from her. We then said that she could come and visit us. So she did, everyday. We got barely any time just me and DH, as she was only working part time she would come over and sit with my mum until I returned from my full time job. She would then spend the whole day moaning about her life, how little money she had and asking for money off us (me and DH both had full time jobs at this point, we were saving up for uni and to get a house at some point but we definitely weren’t rich). Eventually DM said that she would like it is SIL could only come over twice a week as she felt as if she couldn’t get anything done with her there constantly. When we told SIL this she said we were being disrespectful and I wanted DH all to myself.

Not long after this me and DH moved away for Uni. We rented a flat nearby and were very happy. Near the end of our first year, when I was almost 20 and DH 20 I found out I was pregnant. We called the family and they were disappointed but knew we would cope and then became happy for us. Except SIL. Through the whole of my first pregnancy she called DH constantly begging him to come home and saying I was trapping him. She tried to convince me to get an abortion. Then when I gave birth I alerted all the family and told them I want no visitors at hospital and would like the time to bond with DS, and then settle in at home. But not long after we got a call from SIL saying she was at the hospital and couldn’t wait to see DS. I was very emotional and didn’t want an argument so I let her visit DS. She then didn’t leave us alone and stayed in a hotel nearby.

In the space of 3 years we had two other DC. Finished Uni and DH got a very well paying job, I started a business and we own a house quite far from where our family live. So we only really see family every now and then. It was DH who decided to move that far away, and I’ve also moved away from my family too. But SIL said that I’d dragged him away from his family and loads of other little comments like that. We tried to ignore it. And then at Christmas last year DH got a call in the middle of the night asking if he wanted to come up for a Christmas party she was having. He asked if me and DC were invited and she said no. He asked why and she said it was just a family thing. However all other family members boyfriends and girlfriends (including SILs boyfriend of 2 weeks) were invited. He said no, as he had DS1s nativity and he wouldn’t want to be away from us at Christmas. She then started saying that he was being abused by me, he can’t have his own life and his priorities are all wrong. He should be her brother before he is my husband and DSs father. After this we cut contact again other than at family events.

Then we told the family I was pregnant again. And she scoffed. She said I kept trying to trap DH. That I was abusing him. She also said the DC weren’t DHs due to different eye colour and hair colour. She’s told this to all of the family. She consistently calls me a cheater at family parties. She refused to call DC her nephews. And then recently said that the money she spent on a hotel to be near us when DS was born (that we didn’t ask for) meant that she couldn’t afford a deposit for a house and we’d have to pay her back. It was DFILs birthday the other week and she got him a card from her and her partner and then another from her and DH. When we went to give him a card SIL said that as me and DC weren’t his family there was no need. Following this I left with DC and DH followed me. All whilst she shouted at us saying we were taking him away from her and that she wouldn’t see him as a brother after this.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s making it out like I’m abusing DH. She’s just making our lives hell but it would be so hard to cut contact completely without making it awkward for family. It would also result in extended family seeing us as the bad ones. I just need advice, and to see if anyone has been in this situation.

Reading through this I do tend to think your SIL has a massive inferiority complex and wishes she was you,she wishes she could live the same life and style as you do.
Go NC with her totally and get on with your life with your lovely family there is only so much one can take from people like this.

I doubt it is anything romantic, tbh. It was was, she´d be a lot more subtle about it, for one thing. Unless she's grown up in isolation, she's going to know that falling for her brother is not going to be popular with those around her.

She reminds me of my sister. We lost our father when I was very young, she was a teen (large age gap). A few years later she went off to uni and was most put out that my mum and I carried on our lives without her. She was allowed to have fun, but, in her opinion, we should wait for her to visit before we did anything at all. She could not comprehend how life could happen without her. She was the very centre of the family.

I have long since been LC with her. Last saw her five years ago. I'm pretty sure, though, that, were you to ask her, she'd say we were best friends. She cannot comprehend that I could have anyone in my life more important than her. And that gives her so much importance.

make sure you keep telling your children the realities and explaining how the things shes saying is wrong etc.and talk to them about how unhappy people sometimes tell lies.etc etc.so that this doesn't effect them.if you can change how she is going to be you do have the ability to deal with and cope with and then act on it for your own emotional health and ur kiddies.its you lots that important now.

My eldest is the only one who really understands and we tell him all the time not to believe her.

DH has got in from work now, so we’re going to read through everything together and then decide what our next step is.

Does she have a partner, or had any long-term relationships? It does sound as if she wants someone to regard her as Number One in their life - maybe her parents never made her feel special so she's transferred this need onto her brother?

I hesitate to describe it as a crush (i.e. anything physical), I think she wants emotional support similar to that of a partner, but your DH isn't the person who can/will give it to her, he has his own family.

I agree it's turned into a full-blown MH issue and she needs helps. Perhaps your DH should say that directly to her and offer to help arrange counselling? Perhaps realising that he views her behaviour as unhinged will give her the reality check that she needs?

Another thought - she may have grown up believing that she is the only person who understands what her brother has gone through (re the divorce and the aftermath) and thus believes herself to be as important to him as he is to her. Therefore she cannot accept that she no longer is, as that is not her view of reality, and therefore, whenever DH does something that goes against this belief the only way for her to understand it is that it must be you who is behind it. It cannot be him, as she is so highly strung up in her version of reality.

She was always the favourite child, and it was very obvious too. She’s been with her current partner since just before Christmas and it’s her first partner. From what I know he puts her as his main priority.

I think I’m going to call PIL and explain how it’s effecting us and how we’re concerned for her and see if they could talk to her

I have just read through all your posts and sadly whilst i have nothing really spectcular to add I would like to say that you sound a VERY loving supportive wife and a really good mama to go though all this stuff. You sound such a strong woman and for that I commend you!

Big hugs! Xxx

Thank you Bravemama! That means a lot

Heavy - I'd get DH to ring, not you. She won't believe it hasn't come from you but I think everything needs to come from DH's mouth. Even when you're talking to the PIL's and not her. Otherwise it will just feed into the narrative that you're the evil one, damaging DH by keeping him away from her.

Sorry, I meant DH would ring. Not sure why I said I, but thank you for clearing it up. He’s calling them now so will let you all know how that goes. Can’t see it being sorted anytime soon and can see this being a weekend of angry phone calls.

OP ..you and your husband need to become invisible for a bit...block and delete her on fb and block her number email etc so she doesnt know what you are doing with your lives.No answering her texts or calls no spying on social media just drop out both of you and the kids from her orbit..You can speak to inlaws when ever you like and see them when ever you like just disappear from her life.This will do one of two things either she will go beserk at not knowing what you are all up to or she will sit up and realize ...So in effect neither you or your husband engage with her taunts and rants yet you continue to enjoy your extended family..might be a good idea also to explain to inlaws that you will be absent from family dos for a while but you will see them either before or after...this doesnt have to be a permenant thing just until you decide,Take control of the situation and turn off all chanels of communication with her then you will know what you are dealing with and hopefully the space will do her a favour and let her focus on her life and not yours.Give your family the gift of peace!

DH called in laws and explained everything and that we are gonna cut contact with SIL. They’ve agreed that that’s the right thing to do, especially concerning DC. So we’re going to delete her number and block her from everything. DS1 has come home from his first week at school and we are finding out the babies sex tomorrow so we’re going to enjoy this weekend and completley take her off our minds.

Thank you all.

For goodness sake, she doesn't have a crush on her brother, that's insane. She's incredibly jealous of you and your husbands relationship and what you have together as a couple. Now that she's met this new man, hopefully she'll back off. If I was you, I'd be telling her whole family what she's been doing and saying...You also need to tell her to STFU the next time she rants/insults you.

for you op,this must be really difficult for you to deal with for all these years.
Her behaviour has not lessened over the years and without intervention is it going to stop?
There's a possibility she will get married and/or have her own dc and subsequently realize how unreasonable she is being.
However,she may not,and even if she did it may not alter her obsession.
I would be considering getting her some help to stop her behaviour escalating and/or your dc getting older and becoming more aware of their aunt's attitude to you and them.
Maybe talk to your dh and pil and agreeing who would be the best person to approach her about some mental health help.have a list of all the occasions she's made comments,if the nominated person would go through this with her,then suggest she seems help hopefully she will accept it.
You first priority is to you,your dc and dh and if nobody wants to intervene I'd go no contact.
Good luck,I really hope this resolves peacefully op.

Why aren’t you and your SH just chuckling about this? I fail to see how this is actually impacting your life.

DH

Because being told to abort a child can be slightly upsetting for a young, scared pregnant mother?. And then having family call worrying about your partner being abused can be upsetting as well, as well as that the constant phone calls about me being a cheat and little digs that happen every time I see her build up over a while.

I guess we’re all differnt though so what upsets me might not upset you. But all other posters seem to think I’m within my right to be upset.

Sorry I didn’t read full thread

I honestly think though that someone like her will feed off reactions. So don’t give her what she wants.

I try not to give a massive reaction and usually just take DC out of the situathon. But we are cutting contact completley now and getting PIL to talk to her and suggest some MH help.

Great decision OP ..enjoy your family enjoy your peace ..I feel its been a long time coming for you and your husband and kids! Best Wishes xx

Well doen heavy - it's very telling that the in-laws agree with you.

She really does need to grow up. I do understand where she's coming from, actually, as I felt very similarly about my younger brother. When he left home at 17, I realised that we had all rather smothered him, him being the 'baby' of the family. I told my self that I had to detach in the same way I would want our parents to let me go when I came to moving out. It was painful. I also felt a little like that when my elder brother got married.....

It's like the story of the Princess and the Nightingale. Does this story get told much any more? It's a great way of introducing the idea of allowing independence in the ones we love and allowing them live their own lives, trustig them to come back to us willingly when they want to for as long as they want to.

I've found it much easier as a result of my experience with my brothers to encourage increasing independence in dd (I may have rushed her a little). I have known since she born that one day she will go, and I hope that she will sometimes come back and enhance my life with stories of her world.

It's really good that your ILs know that there is a problem and that they are supporting your decisions.

She needs to learn to take some responsibility for her own actions.

She sounds like a total nightmare!! Wouldn't want my DC around someone like that thinking that this is how you behave to siblings and their DPs!!