To despise SIL

[Heavystream]

I’m sorry if the post is long and a bit hard to follow. My heads a mess and I’m trying as hard as I can to remember all information in order not to drip feed.

So as a bit of a backstory. I met DH in high school and we got in a relationship at 15. He never got on very well with his family, he loved them because they were his family but didn’t like them and wasn’t very close to them. I got on really well with his family, would go over every fortnight or so and we’d have a chat and they treated me like one of the family. He also got on well with my family.

At 18 we got married, we didn’t tell anyone as we knew everyone would think we were being stupid teenagers (which is expected). But we were very happy. DH moved into my house that I shared with my mum. SIL had just came home from Uni by the time this happened, so she came home to a house without her brother. She kicked up a big fuss, that really wasn’t anticipated as they weren’t close, and said I’d took her brother from her. We then said that she could come and visit us. So she did, everyday. We got barely any time just me and DH, as she was only working part time she would come over and sit with my mum until I returned from my full time job. She would then spend the whole day moaning about her life, how little money she had and asking for money off us (me and DH both had full time jobs at this point, we were saving up for uni and to get a house at some point but we definitely weren’t rich). Eventually DM said that she would like it is SIL could only come over twice a week as she felt as if she couldn’t get anything done with her there constantly. When we told SIL this she said we were being disrespectful and I wanted DH all to myself.

Not long after this me and DH moved away for Uni. We rented a flat nearby and were very happy. Near the end of our first year, when I was almost 20 and DH 20 I found out I was pregnant. We called the family and they were disappointed but knew we would cope and then became happy for us. Except SIL. Through the whole of my first pregnancy she called DH constantly begging him to come home and saying I was trapping him. She tried to convince me to get an abortion. Then when I gave birth I alerted all the family and told them I want no visitors at hospital and would like the time to bond with DS, and then settle in at home. But not long after we got a call from SIL saying she was at the hospital and couldn’t wait to see DS. I was very emotional and didn’t want an argument so I let her visit DS. She then didn’t leave us alone and stayed in a hotel nearby.

In the space of 3 years we had two other DC. Finished Uni and DH got a very well paying job, I started a business and we own a house quite far from where our family live. So we only really see family every now and then. It was DH who decided to move that far away, and I’ve also moved away from my family too. But SIL said that I’d dragged him away from his family and loads of other little comments like that. We tried to ignore it. And then at Christmas last year DH got a call in the middle of the night asking if he wanted to come up for a Christmas party she was having. He asked if me and DC were invited and she said no. He asked why and she said it was just a family thing. However all other family members boyfriends and girlfriends (including SILs boyfriend of 2 weeks) were invited. He said no, as he had DS1s nativity and he wouldn’t want to be away from us at Christmas. She then started saying that he was being abused by me, he can’t have his own life and his priorities are all wrong. He should be her brother before he is my husband and DSs father. After this we cut contact again other than at family events.

Then we told the family I was pregnant again. And she scoffed. She said I kept trying to trap DH. That I was abusing him. She also said the DC weren’t DHs due to different eye colour and hair colour. She’s told this to all of the family. She consistently calls me a cheater at family parties. She refused to call DC her nephews. And then recently said that the money she spent on a hotel to be near us when DS was born (that we didn’t ask for) meant that she couldn’t afford a deposit for a house and we’d have to pay her back. It was DFILs birthday the other week and she got him a card from her and her partner and then another from her and DH. When we went to give him a card SIL said that as me and DC weren’t his family there was no need. Following this I left with DC and DH followed me. All whilst she shouted at us saying we were taking him away from her and that she wouldn’t see him as a brother after this.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s making it out like I’m abusing DH. She’s just making our lives hell but it would be so hard to cut contact completely without making it awkward for family. It would also result in extended family seeing us as the bad ones. I just need advice, and to see if anyone has been in this situation.

From who I have spoke to (PIL, their partners, GPIL and her DP) they all say she acts nothing like this with them.

I do think maybe there is a mental health issue, but then not sure how to approach that and also not sure of what it could be.

Oh sorry I missed that she was 28... was going off "stolen her child"...

Maybe she acts nothing like that with them because they pussyfoot around her and she's in control of them. Your DH OTOH broke free. Her toy was not where it was supposed to be, and therefore you must have taken it.

She sounds bizarre. If I were you, I would cut her off at every opportunity. No more discussions, just a clear and concise message that you and your DH are not engaging with this. Ranting about you will make her seem ridiculous, everyone who gets to know you will see that very quickly.

She is very immature!. I worried about her back when DH and I just got together and we were only 15.

No worries cliveybaby, I can see why you thought it.

You could be right OhLook, considering it did only start once we moved away and has got progressively worse with every DC we have.

Op of she is only acting this way with dh and no other family member then it is looking like she has a crush on her brother and sees you as her rival...I would never leave the kids alone with her, she denies they are his, she wanted you to abort them, she may be unhinged enough to do something in order to "free" him from them...don't ever leave them alone with her..

Confront her next time she starts and ask her if she has a crush on her brother as she is acting more like a jealous ex girlfriend than a sister, remind her that incest is illegal, your dh is not interested in her in anyway other than as a sibling, and that you are his wife and if she doesn't start behaving like a normal person she won't be in any of your lives,

I agree with other posters that it will be damaging for the kids to hear her say your husband is not their dad, hearing that as the grow up will plant doubts in their minds...not to mention the doubts it could be planting in the minds of your extended in law family ..

Your husband needs to be firm with her, she will of course cry and say he doesn't love her...and that can be his cue to say something like, no I don't live you when you treat my wife and kids like this, you come across as a not very nice person and make me feel very uncomfortable with your behaviour where you act more like an ex girlfriend than a sister

I honestly don't think there is much you can do sorry. You can't argue or reason against deluded / crazy / stupid.

I don't think you've been given any choice but to cut contact unfortunately. And I've never said that on this side - I normally try and look at things from the other POV but saying awful things like that in front of you children is inexcusable.

I guess if she does really believe you are keeping him from her then every time she kicks off this gets reinforced.

The only thing I can think of is getting your husband to explain to her calmly that you will cut off all contact even at family dos, unless she agrees to counselling to sort this out. And / or stage an intervention where you're not there but your husband and extended family are all there all telling her her behaviour is unacceptable and what the consequences will be if she continues.

I wouldn't worry about upsetting wider family and missing family functions - this is 100pc on her. And even if you continue to go it can't be nice for anyone seeing a family member being aggressive towards another and involving children. It will probably be a relief to everyone to not have you both there!

One thing I find odd is their excuse that they aren't really dealing with it because she is normal the rest of the time. Since when was that an excuse for awful behaviour especially if it's not a one off. Can you imagine that as a defence in court - well he'd only murdered a couple of people and seems really nice the rest of the time....!?

*love you..not live you

On a more practical note, when certain family members have kicked off with us I found the best way to deal with it was to state things like this is not appropriate conversation to have around children and if this continues then we will have to remove the DC for their sake. It either works to stop them or when we leave its with a nod their behaviour causing issue for young children.

She sounds seriously unhinged. I'd make it the PIL problem; they need to understand this can't happen again with DC involved, so they need to set up separate functions or ensure she behaves.

She's crazy. She does sound like she has a crush on her brother. Ask her next time. In fact every time she kicks off ask her whether she has a crush on him. That should stop her in her tracks.

Another one who wondered if she might be your DH's birth mother. That clearly isn't the case but it might be that she's projecting something along those lines. Perhaps she had either a miscarriage or a pregnancy she couldn't keep, and this loss has somehow got tangled up in her attitude towards her brother and his relationship with you. Or perhaps she was having an affair with a man who messed her about and, again, something about it got mixed up with her view of your marriage. If she did have either of these things going on and told no one in the family, that might explain her anger and distress.
Because this isn't normal or mentally healthy behaviour from her. The trouble is, there is not much you can do about it other than go low contact and ignore her behaviour as much as possible. An adult can't be forced into therapy, for instance, just because their behaviour is rude and upsetting and weird.

God this sounds awful, poor you. You have put up with it far longer than I would have. It could start to affect your children now they are older so now is the time for you and DH to cut her off. She is entirely batshit crazy.

Do you really think she could have a crush on DH? Is it common for something like that to happen?

Actually, you could be right about her seeing DH as her child due to miscarriage etc. I don’t know if she has suffered with anything like that. But since she was about 17 (I didn’t know her then but this is what DH told me) she treated him like her child. When he came to mine she would call him constantly asking if he was having tea, sometimes she would shout and say he needed to come home and do homework rather than be with me etc. So maybe she always saw him as her responsibility and then suffered something whilst she was away at uni that caused this.

I noticed you said PIL and their partners......

When did they split up, and then meet new partners? I'm trying to think of any precipitating trauma or event that may have occurred around the time she was 17.....

Op it's no excuse for her present behaviour (that she treated him as a child when she was 17)...your husband is a GROWN ADULT, he is MARRIED ...he has a WIFE and KIDS..and she is NOT his girlfriend,wife, mother etc...she is his sister..

Just because she treated him as a child when she was 17 does not give her a free pass to do it to him for the rest of his life...

Your husband needs to be firm with her, if she cry's let her cry, if she starts with the you don't love me, he needs to tell her to grow up and start acting like a 28 year old woman,...she needs an intervention, ...what is she going to do next, (she is already trying to push you and the kids out)..is the next level going to be her throwing herself at him hoping that she can steal him away from you...

She does sound like she wants him for herself...read back your op but forget for a second it's his sister and just read it as though she is a female friend...doesn't it read like she is burning with jealousy and wants to be with him?..I know it sounds sick, and it's illegal but there people in the world who actually do this... whatever is going on with her, she needs to be put in her place

They split up when she was about 9, MIL met her partner straight away. FIL has a string of partners but got in a serious relationship with his current partner when she was about 18 almost 19 I think

A 3 year age gap seems odd to form a motherly bound unless there was a lot of upheaval something else going on in the family at the time?

She behaves normally at all other time with all other siblings and their partners so she knows how to behave. For the sake of your children I would go completely no contact don't be on the same place as he they shouldn't have to overhear someone screaming their dad isn't their dad!! No contact no family events you can see them at a later date on your own! If people want that to change they need to call her out on her behaviour not tip toe round her and talk about it behind her back!

I get completley what you means. I just can’t get my head around the fact that she might have a crush on DH. It makes me feel sick

Thinking about it it would make sense. She’s quite a big girl. She shares things on Facebook about men not wanting skinny women and stuff like that. I’m very petite, 5’2, 7 stone. I’m not skinny though, I have chubby thighs, big boobs and a bum and I try and keep in shape but all she does is ask DH why he doesn’t chose a ‘real woman’. Meaning a larger woman. She also says I look like a child (I do look about 15, I can’t even buy an energy drink without being stopped and asked for ID) and asks DH how he can be attracted to me. So it is all making sense now. I feel sick to my stomach.

Not much to add except I don't think it's a romantic (aka crush) attachment more a totally unhealthy bond that is HER problem and she shouldn't make it yours.

I think you've handled it really well! When they go low, you go high and all that.

The reason why really isn't as important as what you do about her going forward! I highly doubt it is anything romantic!

I hope it isn’t. I’m hoping the whole dig at me being skinny is just another way to bring me down.

I wouldn't say she necessarily has a crush on him. I think she's looking for validation from him but not sexually. Her comments about big women sound to me like she's looking for validation that she's loveable, so if his partner were large like her then she can also be loved. The fact that you're small is making her doubt herself. She has very low self-esteem and wants him to boost that for her.

I suspect it goes back to the divorce. One thing that's said about fathers is that they give teenage girls confidence (I'm not wording this well, sorry). Although no doubt her father was still in her life she missed out on seeing him daily. She did, however, still see her brother, and no doubt he looked up to her and boosted her self-esteem that way. The fact she apparently ignored him is neither here nor there. She wouldn't have wanted to admit to herself that she was getting validation from her younger brother. And the fact she took over parenting him was probably her way of keeping him in his place (in her eyes) and helped her ignore the fact she was feeding off him.

I suspect she also liked the fact that she could go off to university knowing that her fan club was ready and waiting for her to return. She'll have got it into her head that nothing was changing there, and that he had nothing in his life other than to worship her on his return. He knew nothing of this, of course, as she couldn't big up his importance in her life, but that's how she saw it.

Then you came and interfered in this. It means you were overtly getting his praise, and his love, and not her. So who was going to tell her she was wonderful now? So she did the only thing she could and try and badmouth you at every opportunity, hoping that her brother would see the error of his ways.

But, I stress, it's not a crush (if my assessment is right) but a need for her to be worshipped by him.