Anyone else feel like this after having a baby....visitors!!!

[bitzy12]

So I had my 3rd baby on Monday by elective c section. There's not a day since where we haven't had visitors wether it be at hospital or at home. Some I don't mind....other's I'd rather of said no too.

Yesterday I spent the day in tears, in pain and generally had enough due to lack of sleep.

So I've said to dh no visitors today or tomorrow.

We've literally got a list of people who are constantly messaging asking to come round. So I've separated them into yes and no lol.

For example dh's boss and his wife are coming Sunday. And I honestly am so looking forward to seeing them. They've been lovely and sent a text saying they would love to come round but totally understand if we don't want visitors. Promised they won't stay long and have genuinely been lovely.

Then I've got one of my friends who has sent me 13 messages in the last 4 days asking how I am, how baby is doing, how he's sleeping etc....and all the same ending 'can't wait to come and cuddle him'. It's just put me off her coming round and I've stopped responding to her messages now.

I've got another friend saying she's put together a shopping list for us and she was going to get it and bring it round - i messaged her to say thank you very much and that was kind but there was no need. She's one that would stay all day if you let her.

My aunty and family just turned up at the hospital 4 hours after surgery even though we said no visitors until the next day. That one really annoyed me as not even mine or dh mum had seen baby yet. They were the first ones and we only see them once a year! They could see I was knackered from surgery and not really that impressed so left after 10 mins. They live an hours drive away.

Anyone else been like this? Finding some people you really want to see and others you don't?

Also aibu to feel like this? It just feels like there's a competition between family and friends as to who can see the baby first.....then obviously they put it on social media as it makes them look important to of been able to come and see a new baby.....

Also that should say my aunty and her family just turned up at the hospital. So my aunty, uncle and my 3 cousins.....

If you’d rather see your dhs boss and his wife than your own friends then I think you need new friends op!

Lol she's one of my best friends lol. I just always think of her as dh's bosses wife as I didn't know her before I met dh but we've become really close

Aren't you lucky? When I had mine, we'd just moved to a new area 100 miles away and I had NO ONE. Parents arrived a few days later. No in-laws. No help.

Your friends feel important to have been allowed to come and see your baby?
Has the new Messiah arrived?!

Visitors are exhausting and thouls leave it until at least a week after the baby. Except the grandparents or someone who helps

I think it's just part and parcel of having a newborn. Give it a few months and you won't see anyone

What I'm saying is it's like they aren't necessarily bothered about seeing the baby. It's more about they want to take pictures and put it on fb. Like when I found out I was pregnant, I told both these friends a while before announcing it to the world that I was expecting.

When I did put it on fb after the 12 week scan, they both put their own statues on about my pregnancy saying congratulations but also that they had known all along.....this just feels sort of the same.

Firstly congratulations on the new baby.

I think you are BU. It sounds like you have a lovely group of people around you, who not only want to visit, but want to help you out with shopping etc. The friend who is texting asking if you're ok is showing they care and by saying they can't wait for cuddles is showing their interest in your new addition.

I've recently had my second baby and couldn't believe the difference from my first. Her grandfather who lives less than 2 miles away hasn't even bothered visiting and she is 4 months old. Old friends I've known for years haven't offered congratulations, never mind asked to visit. I assumed this was due to being a second child, but you've had your third and people still care, I think you should embrace it.

SIL and DB did a kind of open house drop in a week or so after she and baby came out of hospital, it meant they got a few visits from immediate family before hand but anyone else including aunts, uncles etc came on that Sunday, we plan to do the same, but we'll lay on some sandwiches, tea, cake etc (bought not home made, no time or energy for that) and get it done in a day, so we have some family time or quiet time too. I know I'll be exhausted and as much at it'll be a long ish day I'd rather that than people turning up all day every day and feeling I need to be dressed/presentable/house tidy etc.

@nowifi exactly lol. I doubt anyone will be bothered in a couple of weeks if I'm honest....it's just like they need to come in the first week. I just didn't really have this with my other 2. It wasn't a problem but I guess I didn't know as many people back then lol.

I think you have to sit back and take a deep breath. I know how difficult it can be after CS. If DH is at home, he has to be your gatekeeper. Your friend with the shopping is trying to do something really thoughtful for you, why not select a day next week and tell her you would love to see her, but are completely knackered all the time, so can only 'host for an hour or so, then need to rest' (or something similar eg love you to drop in for a short while). DH then has to do the Bitzy is really tired now, I need to get her to rest. Your friend will still feel welcomed but the boundaries are in place. You can use the same thing for anyone else. Do not feel you have to have people all day, tell them they have to go, most decent people won't be offended.

YANBU. It's your baby, your family and your time to recover. Tell the visitors they can meet baby in a few weeks when you've had time to readjust. Yeah it's nice people want to meet your baby but this isn't a time you have to be selfless and pass your baby around and entertain and make tea for endless visitors. Hell to the no.

www.dontbuyherflowers.com/motherhood/pulling-up-the-drawbridge/

It annoys me how much people care about the newborn stage but once the novelty wears off, they no longer give a shit. It’s the same when someone dies, people are at the funeral full of empty promises about supporting the grieving partner/relatives but it never materialises. People are just full of shit.

You’ll find no one visits you in a month or so. They’re suddenly not as interesting or exciting once they’re no longer a newborn.

I hear you.

With us everyone wanted to visit but absolutely no one gave any help what so ever and expected tea coffee and cakes. One even asked why I hadn’t baked. I’d had a very traumatic c section and lost pretty much all my blood. My child was in intensive care and then we were released with no explanation or any advice for pain relief. Literally hours after being in intensive care I was at home wondering what the fuck had gone on.

I’m not sure after surgery normally you’d have that flurry. It’s only the excitement of a new baby. Mum gets mostly forgotten.

YANBU, though someone will be along in a minute to tell you you are.

My sister has just had her first, midweek, and naturally there will be a flurry of arrivals from family over the weekend - grandparents and aunts/uncles (baby's, not our aunts/uncles), who let them get home and settle and are wanted visitors (and all live 100+miles away, so it's a considerable trip).

She has so many friends who are DESPERATE to 'come for a cuddle', and insisting that they 'fit in' over the weekend somehow, despite living in the same city. If they were that interested and they were proper friends, they'd come at a time to suit her, and bend their schedules a bit.

Congrats on the new addition OP!

We have been lucky with visitors.

I was such a mess after the birth I said to my sister if she was coming to visit I needed cake and chocolate 😂😳 I feel so cheeky about it now as she came absolutely bloody LAIDEN with gifts but I couldn’t have the visitors who just want to cuddle the baby and expect tea and cake whilst you’re there crying at every tiny thing feeling shattered and like a husk.

I would have been absolutely livid at your aunt’s behaviour. It’s too much!

You need some days to get your head together.

@glueandstick oh gosh my eyes have just filled up reading your post - that must of been so traumatic for you. I hope you and your child made a quick recovery once you got home xx

I've been sent home with paracetamol and ibuprofen. I'm taking it but it's doing nothing for the pain whatsoever. With my other 2, I was sent home with all sorts of pain relief. My pain is at its worst today so I'm going to call my gp to see if I can get anything stronger.

Say no OP. Look after yourself. Personally I think babies are more appealing when they are older and smiley anyway.

I just appreciated the text from dh's boss and wife that said 'we would love to come and visit you all at a time that suits you though we understand if it's too much. We won't stay long as we know you need your family time'.

That was such a lovely message to get. Unlike the pestering ones who are pretty much demanding to come round. That's all I'm saying.

It’s sounds like you have a generally supportive circle of people around you but I definitely understand what your saying. You need your time to mentally and physically recover and of course bond with the baby. I remember how exhausting it was just getting dressed and lashing a bit of make up on and having a little tidy up when everyone wanted to visit after my difficult birth. Your doing the right thing by saying no to some for now.

Just message everyone telling them you need a couple of weeks to settle yourself and your baby. I know how you feel, I hated it. It was at least a month before I was prepared for visitors other than the grandparents. You having had a C section is even more reason to need as much rest as possible

My neighbour's daughter didn't tell anyone, apart from the grand,s that she'd had her first baby until she felt up to visitors. She worked as a nanny and knew that visitors come round, end up chatting and laughing with eachother drinking tea and didn't know when to go. I thought she was very wise.

C section recovery is hard. YANBU to filter the visitors but try to offer them a date in the near future so as not to alienate people.

YANBU. My parents, sister and my BIL came round the morning I had my 3rd. I’d given birth at home at 4am, they were round at 10! We hadn’t even finished sorting out the birthing pool as we were knackered and needed sleep.

Visitors are exhausting and you have every right to take control of the situation and say no. It’s ok to say, we just need to all recover and get used to having a 3rd child before seeing people. A couple of weeks with minimal visitors (close family etc) isn’t much to ask.

TBH I’d put a post on FB saying that that’s everything is fine, but you’re going to be hard to contact for the next couple of weeks as you are going to be recovering/concentrating on your newly expanded family.

@Singlenotsingle that's pretty crappy for you and I'm sorry that happened, but it's completely irrelevant to the OP