Anyone else feel like this after having a baby....visitors!!!

[bitzy12]

So I had my 3rd baby on Monday by elective c section. There's not a day since where we haven't had visitors wether it be at hospital or at home. Some I don't mind....other's I'd rather of said no too.

Yesterday I spent the day in tears, in pain and generally had enough due to lack of sleep.

So I've said to dh no visitors today or tomorrow.

We've literally got a list of people who are constantly messaging asking to come round. So I've separated them into yes and no lol.

For example dh's boss and his wife are coming Sunday. And I honestly am so looking forward to seeing them. They've been lovely and sent a text saying they would love to come round but totally understand if we don't want visitors. Promised they won't stay long and have genuinely been lovely.

Then I've got one of my friends who has sent me 13 messages in the last 4 days asking how I am, how baby is doing, how he's sleeping etc....and all the same ending 'can't wait to come and cuddle him'. It's just put me off her coming round and I've stopped responding to her messages now.

I've got another friend saying she's put together a shopping list for us and she was going to get it and bring it round - i messaged her to say thank you very much and that was kind but there was no need. She's one that would stay all day if you let her.

My aunty and family just turned up at the hospital 4 hours after surgery even though we said no visitors until the next day. That one really annoyed me as not even mine or dh mum had seen baby yet. They were the first ones and we only see them once a year! They could see I was knackered from surgery and not really that impressed so left after 10 mins. They live an hours drive away.

Anyone else been like this? Finding some people you really want to see and others you don't?

Also aibu to feel like this? It just feels like there's a competition between family and friends as to who can see the baby first.....then obviously they put it on social media as it makes them look important to of been able to come and see a new baby.....

I remember after I had DD2 nobody came. DH had to return to work three days after I got home with her from a section and that was it.

My Mum came once but nobody else did at all and I basically lay on the sofa on my own with a newborn and a three year old.

A week later I was having to take DD into nursery pushing a pram in agony.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad just reminding you that some people would love visitors after a baby.

I managed to get my mum, sister and MIL doing all kinds of housework for me after my section; washing, vacuuming, changing beds. They were brilliant, I just sat back and watched, I didn't even make a cup of tea for about 2 weeks.

Nothing worse than relatives turning up to a hospital visit and having a face on because your not being entertaining enough.

@bsbabas she had posted the photos she took on fb before probably getting to the hospital car park. That's all it was, new addition to the family post so she could get the congrats messages. We probably won't see them again until next summer lol.

Its not 'lucky' to have people imposing themselves on you hours after you have just had a major op.

I wouldnt have let the aunt in op no way would someone i saw rarely see my baby before my own parents. Your dh should have told them to.come back when it suited you not them

Its perfectly understandable to want quiet time to recover after a major op and get to know your baby. Why do people think they can just tel you they are coming without any regard for the mum? And as for expecting new mums to run around after them wtaf?

Your family your house your rules. Stick to your guns op. Only have people when you want them. Message your friend (and anyone else who is badgering you)and tell her you are in pain and going to the drs and not up for visitors yet but you will let her know when you are.

Hope you get proper analgesia from your gp. Nurophen and paracetamol didnt do much for my csection pain either.
Congratulations btw.

That all sounds awful. With DC2 I was very insistent that we had no real visitors for the first couple of weeks, that way I could heal from surgery and we could all bond as a family of four.

When you get some time (I realise this might be tricky) take a read of this - www.dontbuyherflowers.com/motherhood/pulling-up-the-drawbridge/

Your baby, your house. If you don't want people visiting, just say no and say you'll tell them when it's ok to visit when you're ready.

It's lovely that everyone wants to see the baby, but people tend to forget the mother when a baby arrives, you're recovering from major surgery after all, and it's not unreasonable to want a bit of breathing space.

@Willow2017 unfortunately the ward just let them in, dh was freshening up in the bathroom so I was on my own when they just barged in - didn't know they were coming!

I did find visitors in the days after birth quite tiring because I felt like I couldn't just lay on the sofa and recover, I had to clean up and run the hoover around and tidy up, etc.

I did also feel quite touched that so many people wanted to come though because I've always thought of myself as having no friends and very little family so it did surprise me.

I had my Uncle and his Wife come and visit and that was bizarre and it did annoy me slightly because I never see them or speak to them, they never make an effort, etc. So I found it quite strange but I imagine he likes to think of himself as head of the family since his Father passed away and felt a sense of duty to pay a visit and bring flowers, etc. I was dreading him coming but was pleasantly surprised actually by how kind he was.

Willow2017 Fri 07-Sep-18 09:47:46
And as for expecting new mums to run around after them wtaf?

This gets bandied around on here a lot. Who seriously does this? And who the fuck would even pander to it? In my house it would be 'help yourself' and no one I know would expect to be waited on in this situation.

Maybe it’s because you feel they’re being disingenuous? But what about if they do just want to see you and the baby and share in the joy.

I know that tired / painful / hormonal feeling when you’ve just had a baby but honestly try not to question people’s motives just enjoy. You’re very lucky x

Yanbu.
People wouldn't descend on someone post op so why do they think it's acceptable to invade the privacy of a new mum recovering from birth. Winds me right up.

YANBU on the 'it's a competition' thing. My MIL actually ran from her car to the front door, opened it and said 'Is she here yet?' (about my DM) and then said 'GIVE ME THAT BABY'.

(She's a proper nutjob though.)

I remember having a lovely aunt to visit the day after I got home and my iron level was one problem away from needing a transfusion. I couldn’t keep a conversation going and I remember thinking I really don’t want you here please go away. Everyone recovers differently and you have been through a major op.

I organised a sip and see for my SIL, so as soon as the baby was out of hospital I sent invites to everyone for a Saturday about 3/4 weeks away. We did a simple buffet (fruit and pastries and prosecco) and she got all visits out the way in 2/3 hours and people stopped texting her to see the baby as they had a date arranged. Is there anyone who could organise that for you?

Congratulations!
I didn’t have a problem with visitors but I remember how painful my emc was. What mg are you taking of ibuprofen? You can take 800mg every 6-8 hours, if you can’t get to see your go today you can also get 8/500mg of co codamol over the counter to help manage over the weekend, not as good as 30/500mg but better than just paracetamol.

Gp*

I hear you OP. DH's many, many brothers and sisters (only 5 but it feels like there are more) all hate each other so there was definitely competition around who could get to meet our baby DS first and get the 'favourite auntie/uncle' pictures up on Facebook

We had 4 sets of visitors in one day at one point, then I doubled over in pain with a uterine infection and everyone had to back off. You have enough in your plate - get DH to coordinate the visitors.

I hated having visitors!! I remember when DD was a week old and I could barely walk my MIL came round and fished out coffee and cake to everyone else there (my family had come round as planned and she just turned up with hers!) and left me in the corner with nothing then wandered off with my baby!

Now we're expecting DC2 I've put my foot down and said no.

I wanted a bit of peace and quiet with dd but being young found it hard to put my foot down and say no. Ex invited all the world round it seemed. We lived right in the middle of town so were a convenient stopping point for free coffee and cake I think.
I was also having to get ds age 6 to school and back too.
One friend stayed almost the whole school day!
One day I was in tears in front of my mum coz dd wasn't a good sleeper and I had just got her settled when this friend called. Mum, bless her, told her to leave me to have a rest.
Put your foot down now and get rest time just family.
I wish I had been more assertive as a young mum.

Thanks everyone. Dh had a phone call earlier from a friend that basically said 'we'll come round Sunday afternoon' but dh said no, we are having the weekend to ourselves.

Just frustrating.....no common courtesy to ask.

I understand what people are saying that we are lucky that we have visitors. I agree - we are. But as others have said - I've just said major surgery. I don't want to sound ungrateful as I'm not. I'm usually the one that goes out of my way for others but just not for the next couple of weeks.

Right now I'm still in my pjs and it's absolutely lovely. Baby asleep and I'm just watching loose women with a cup of tea. Much needed day to ourselves :-)

@Chrystal1982 I'm waiting for a call from my gp this afternoon. I'll ask about co codamol but I asked in the hospital and got told I couldn't take it as I'm breast feeding. I will ask, thank you :-)

You can take dihydrocodeine when breastfeeding, its codeine phosphate you can't take! (Former midwife, hi). GP should be able to prescribe, be clear you need good analgesia or it inhibits you getting up and about and that slows recovery too!

Congrats on your new baby! Glad to hear you're on the sofa in your PJ's! Wish I was as well!

OP, you have my sympathy.

We had a real mix of visitors, some were amazing and others wayyyy overstayed their welcome. I was so tired I could barely form a sentence at times and yet some visitors didn't get the very blatant hint and some were happy for my DH and I to be faffing round them making teas and coffees etc despite the fact we both really should have been stronger and said no and for the visitors to make their own coffee.

If you know who the culprits will be, stand your ground.

@ChangerChangerson thank you - you've got it in one! I do know who the culprits will be and those are the ones im avoiding for as long as I can!

I did find visitors in the days after birth quite tiring because I felt like I couldn't just lay on the sofa and recover, I had to clean up and run the hoover around and tidy up, etc

Well more fool you.

I just don't get people who say this stuff. No one is making you do anything. Stay on the sofa with your baby, and when you've had enough go upstairs to bed. If visitors want tea or a tidy up they can crack on and do it themselves. Or leave it to your dh. If you don't want visitors just say no.

My "babies" are about to leave for uni but when my friends come over they take me as they find me and they make their own tea. If they don't like it they know where the door is. Strangely, I always have a houseful of people, usually making tea for each other.