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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband works part time but doesn't do housework

67 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 07/09/2018 00:20

Sorry if this has been discussed elsewhere already.

I returned full time after having my girls, now years 9 and 11 at school (13 and 15).

My husband went onto three days when I finished my first maternity leave and I never expected much in the way of housework as his 'job' on his two days at home was to care for the girls.

When they went to school we agreed he would use their time at school to tidy the house and get tea ready etc. but he never really got into much of a routine other than doing the washing and some of the ironing, I would still do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning despite working full time, which would eat into the evenings and precious weekends.

The girls are now a few years into senior school and it's still the same. While I love the fact that I never have to do any washing I'm worn out working long days and coming home to a constantly messy house. He swapped his hours so has one full 'day off' and four early finishes so is home before the girls four days a week, but never plans a meal so I have to do it when I get home at six. He doesn't engage the girls about their homework, I have to start nagging when I get in, and my weekends seem to be spent cleaning, shopping, doing jobs around the house instead of doing fun family stuff.

What makes things worse is he often spends his 'day off' going on jaunts with his friends that work shifts. I've suggested he might as well go back to work full time and we'll get a cleaner in!

The real stab in the back is that he moans we never have family time, that we never have any spare money, and blames the house being a mess on me and the kids. He's even been talking lately about how soon he could retire!

I just feel like the weight of everything is on me and am being taken for a mug, my health hasn't been 100% for the past few months and I get really tired so things are a bit hard going. He's not completely fit either so feel bad having a go.

Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

SpacePenguin · 07/09/2018 00:34

Well that arrangement is pretty shite for you to say the least. I'm at a loss for advice

TheSmallAssassin · 07/09/2018 00:50

Can you sit down and talk about it? "What have we got to do each day, and who's going to do it?" - then stick to your agreement? Some things can go to the wall, if you're just not up to it. The house being untidy is less important than your health, but you will need to get it out in the open and agree what's most important to both of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2018 02:11

So basically you have 3 children. Enough of this. It has continued because you have allowed it. State to him clearly what you need and if he refuses to do his share, there's your answer. He's your husband and completely as responsible for the household as you are. If you're not willing to be his mother, and I hope you're not, get rid.

Cawfee · 07/09/2018 02:45

What a crap arrangement for you. He’s sitting pretty! Time to book a relationship counsellor who can help get through to him that this isn’t ok

Mediumred · 07/09/2018 03:16

Christ! Sod that! How is the house even messy if you’re at work and the girls are at school? He is obviously contributing to the mess and doing nothing to help and then blimmin’ moaning about it, what a waste of space.

Think you need to be really clear about what you expect, although I would say that at their age the girls should be doing a bit of chores, at least keeping their rooms clean, loading dishwasher etc plus should be responsible for their own homework. Maybe you could have a meal plan, so Monday pasta, Tuesday soup and rolls, wednesday chilli etc and he could take three nights, each of the girls could do one night and you could do one, maybe takeaway/supermarket pizza on a Saturday etc and just have a food shop delivered.

Dunno, he really sounds hopelessly lazy and entitled, using his day off to relax is one thing but then moaning about the state of the house is massively out of order, you could try to change things but at the moment he really sounds like he is bringing nothing to the party, and this has been going on for years. I take it he does have some good points? Think you need to look after yourself a bit more, you sound exhausted.

Dayz0fft4 · 07/09/2018 03:52

I agree you need to sit him down and tell him that things need to change. I would also suggest that you check when you are both eligible for state pension and how much you will receive. Do you have private pensions, can your family afford for one person to only be working a few hours. Meals can be prepared before you get home like baked potato, casserole. Also quick meals like omelette, stir fry. I would write a weekly list if chores. Your children can also have a couple of chores.Perhaps you could cook at weekend or teach children a couple of recipes

Rebecca36 · 07/09/2018 04:01

As others suggested, talk to him about how unfair and unrealistic he is being with his time off and tell him how it makes you feel. He could at least do some shopping and prepare a meal. It's terrible you have to spend all weekend working.

Suggest he pays for a cleaner to come in once a week.

Then you can both have some real 'time off'.

pumpkinspicetime · 07/09/2018 04:01

If you share your money I would just buy help in, get meal kits like gusto ( or set up a regular supermarket delivery for when he is at home and your aren't) a cleaner (even once a fortnight will make a huge difference). Given your DC's ages I would leave their homework up to them, let them take the consequences of not doing it and explain you will organise a tutor for them if they start failing without you nagging them to do work. Explain to DH that you don't have time to do this stuff and he won't so it has to come out of family budget. At least you will have time at the weekend, although I'm not sure why you would spend to spend them with your DH.

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 07/09/2018 06:33

This is definitely really unfair on you and in his heart he must know. I think you need to chat about what he could do on his full day off otherwise he should work then. Why are you doing food/cleaning/thinking about it all?! Not fair at all

DownTownAbbey · 07/09/2018 06:47

He's got the brass neck to moan about the mess he can't be bothered to tidy up? Wow. Does he think his penis makes him incapable of housework?

What's the point of him? He's selfish and he would rather watch you struggle than pitch in.

givemesteel · 07/09/2018 07:08

Honestly, he is a twat, my blood boils for you.

Get someone (grandparent, friend etc) to take the kids out one weekend day you need to have an enoughs enough chat.

At 13 and 15 do your kids need a parent who's part time anyway?

Regardless of the fact that he's selfish and useless, I think it's time for him to go back to work full time anyway.

Then just get a cleaner and the gousto suggestion was good as well.

If he won't go back to work full time I would seriously consider leaving, I couldn't live with someone like this. The talk of retirement is absolutely beggars belief.

I would say that your kids sound quite dependent though if they need nagging to do their homework and don't have any responsibility for chores themselves. At the ages they are they should be organising themselves to get their homework done.

Believeitornot · 07/09/2018 07:11

Tell him quite clearly. Especially when he moans about lack of family time!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 07/09/2018 07:17

I thought reading this the kids were going to be 2 and 5 not 9 and 11 who are at school all day. How much mess are they going to make when they get in from school. Sorry op but he sounds like a lazy sod and I would be telling him he returns to work full time or you leave. He’s completely taking advantage of you op whilst he has plenty of time to do as he pleases.

Rednaxela · 07/09/2018 07:23

If he finishes early it's his job to make dinner on those days. Blatantly.

I can understand he doesn't want to do 100% of cleaning but he has to do 50%.

Feel sorry for you OP what a knob.

LittleBookofCalm · 07/09/2018 07:24

have you asked him to make a family meal? how is his cooking?
just tell him op.

NewPapaGuinea · 07/09/2018 07:25

Next time he whinges, ask him why does he think the house is a mess and what does he suggest to remedy the situation. Unless he volunteers to do cleaning then he won’t have an acceptable answer.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/09/2018 07:29

I would suggest you both work 4 days each.

Also ask him ‘what are you doing for tea as I’m too exhausted. Directly ask him to take charge of tea weekdays

LusaCole · 07/09/2018 07:30

Can he not see that this is totally unfair?!

It's fine for him to go on jaunts but he then needs to make up that time somewhere else in the week.

What a selfish twat. Seeing you tired and not raising a finger

LusaCole · 07/09/2018 07:33

Tell him he has three choices:

Take over the shopping and cooking and step up with cleaning
Go back to work full time
Split up

LusaCole · 07/09/2018 07:34

Snapped they're actually 13 and 15!

Shampaincharly · 07/09/2018 07:34

Can the girls do some chores ? ( pocket money )
It might help a little.
As for husband , does he do the garden , cars DIY ? Sorry that is a bit old fashioned.
As previous people have said , talk with him .

charlestonchaplin · 07/09/2018 07:38

Am I missing something? It seems that this has been going on for 14 years and you are only noticing or complaining about the situation now. I find it totally unacceptable, but why have you allowed it to go unchallenged for so long? Getting him to change after such a long period will be hard. Instead of seeing the injustice of the situation he will feel like he is losing out so he will very likely resist change quite strongly.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 07/09/2018 07:41

What an absolute cock lodger.

@shampaincharly yes, that is incredibly old fashioned and entirely irrelevant. The girls shouldn't be doing this asshole's jobs just because he's an entitled man who cannot bring himself to do "wife work". He needs to either do the jobs or get a full time job out of the house.

Tofffeee · 07/09/2018 07:46

Write down all the jobs that need doing: shopping, cooking dinner, hoovering, gardening etc, along with roughly how long each task takes per week. Then show him how much you do, and how much he does, and tell him it's unfair and needs to change. Now.

Also, do the 13 and 15 year olds not do any chores yet? I'm not talking hard labour everyday, but maybe at least hoover or something once a week.

You should all be a team, you're their wife and mum, not their servant.

amyboo · 07/09/2018 07:47

I wouldn't be very happy with that arrangement. DH has one full day off work a week, and with that day he usually picks up the shopping (I order online), does whatever washing needs to be done, mows the lawns, prepares his/my lunches for the week, takes DC to swimming lessons, prepares at least one dinner and also often does any other jobs that need to be done - DIY stuff, picking up parcels, getting presents for kids' parties, etc. He doesn't do the housework because we have a cleaner, and doesn't meal plan as I do that for 2 weeks at a time. But I would be livid if he spent his day off pissing around with friends - he does it precisely so that our busy working week is easier....

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