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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband works part time but doesn't do housework

67 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 07/09/2018 00:20

Sorry if this has been discussed elsewhere already.

I returned full time after having my girls, now years 9 and 11 at school (13 and 15).

My husband went onto three days when I finished my first maternity leave and I never expected much in the way of housework as his 'job' on his two days at home was to care for the girls.

When they went to school we agreed he would use their time at school to tidy the house and get tea ready etc. but he never really got into much of a routine other than doing the washing and some of the ironing, I would still do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning despite working full time, which would eat into the evenings and precious weekends.

The girls are now a few years into senior school and it's still the same. While I love the fact that I never have to do any washing I'm worn out working long days and coming home to a constantly messy house. He swapped his hours so has one full 'day off' and four early finishes so is home before the girls four days a week, but never plans a meal so I have to do it when I get home at six. He doesn't engage the girls about their homework, I have to start nagging when I get in, and my weekends seem to be spent cleaning, shopping, doing jobs around the house instead of doing fun family stuff.

What makes things worse is he often spends his 'day off' going on jaunts with his friends that work shifts. I've suggested he might as well go back to work full time and we'll get a cleaner in!

The real stab in the back is that he moans we never have family time, that we never have any spare money, and blames the house being a mess on me and the kids. He's even been talking lately about how soon he could retire!

I just feel like the weight of everything is on me and am being taken for a mug, my health hasn't been 100% for the past few months and I get really tired so things are a bit hard going. He's not completely fit either so feel bad having a go.

Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 07/09/2018 09:26

Time for a make or break talk op.

You simply cannot go on like this.

I would let him know exactly how you feel and let him know in black and white what you do versus what he does.
Ask him to reverse the roles and see how he would feel.

Nobody would expect Kim and Aggie standards after the chat but a definite improvement plus the willingness to change is enough.
If he does not take on board what you are saying and how you're clearly at breaking point I would remind him of the conversation you had and to not be surprised if he gets home to you gone, having done a Shirley Valentine on him.

Cheeky git.

lightonthewater · 07/09/2018 09:29

He has to go back to work FT and you get a cleaner. This is not acceptable.

eggsandwich · 07/09/2018 09:30

Tell him he can go back to work full time and your stay at home and do the jobs he was surpose to do.

Tell him he’s taking the piss and you might as well be single as you would get just as much done, he needs a kick up the arse quite frankly.

Littlechocola · 07/09/2018 09:51

How have you put up with this for so long?
Also, why now? He probably thinks it’s ok because it’s been like this for so long.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 07/09/2018 09:54

This thread is really giving me the rage. All of this chat about getting the girls to "help". Fine, but the main issue here is the husband being a lazy bastard and the complete inequality in this relationship.

In an equal household he would be working the same amount of hours as the OP - either out of the home or making up his hours in the home by taking on the work there.

As it is he is getting a free day once a week and extra hours on the days he works out of the home - the OP doesn't even get her bloody weekends free.

Ariclock · 07/09/2018 09:56

I would tell him that it's time to swap roles op. You're going to go down to four days and he can go up to full time. Let him know that he has a month to arrange and see what his reaction is. If he says no way then you both have to work full time and house work is shared equally. Also definitely get a cleaner

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 10:13

You just need a proper conversation.

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 10:16

Sorry hit post.

You just need a proper conversation. It's not a fair arrangement and something needs to change as you both seem to be unhappy with it! That's a start. It'd be worse if he wasn't moaning and thought this was working!

SilverySurfer · 07/09/2018 10:47

You've been his enabler all these years, what do you think will change him now? I agree, lay your cards on the table, divide the work and if he doesn't deliver then he should go to work full time and pay for a cleaner. What a lazy, useless lump.

Motoko · 07/09/2018 10:48

It'd be worse if he wasn't moaning and thought this was working!

The reason he's moaning is because he wants OP to do it all, and he wants to give up work completely, hence moaning about the state of the house, and talking about retiring. He's not interested in equality otherwise, he'd be doing more around the house.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/09/2018 10:53

He is a lazy sod and may as well go back to full time work in order to earn more as he can’t be arsed to clean up
Also, your dcs should be doing some chores. Draw up a rota

serbska · 07/09/2018 10:53

The girls are now old enough to also be pitching in and they should be responsible for doing their homework.

The girls are in full time education, their lazy fuckface of a father is only working 3 days a week.... why the fuck shoudl they be doing more housework than him????

Minniemountain · 07/09/2018 12:33

DS has just started school. I work PT, DH works FT. We have agreed I will continue to work PT but the difference is that I will do pretty much everything that can be done during the working week aside from what our cleaner does and our house will be very very organised. DH might cook on my full working days but that's about it.
He's taking the piss OP.

HerpDeDerp · 07/09/2018 12:36

This just sounds like pure laziness on his part.

Original poster

FrankiesMum78 · 07/09/2018 22:58

Thanks for all the support!

I think the reason I've had enough is that my health hasn't been great and I'm just feeling overwhelmed. My husband has experienced some health issues over the years and isn't 100% but isn't disabled or incapacitated, I guess I couldn't say anything when he wasn't well and then it never really seemed the right time.

The girls do some chores, 'tidying' their rooms dishwasher, recycling etc, but are prone to slack in the homework front so need a watchful eye. Just a quick check of what they've been set when they get home and then a follow up later to see it's been done would do, but it doesn't happen, so I have to chase it from scratch when I get home and two hours have then passed since they got home from school .

Anyway, I've decided to have a heart to heart this weekend as I don't really think I've much to lose. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Thanks again for the support

OP posts:

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 23:04

Good luck OP. Time to talk it through as you say.

Degzy · 18/09/2024 20:47

I'm not bragging. But I think I'm lucky. When our first son was born I struggled massively. My husband has always been amazing with chores and always does 70% of the cleaning and the cooking( he has a cleaning rota) so he decided he would go part time to be the main carer of our child. I work full time as i struggled being at home all day. I do chores on a Saturday and washing so we can have sundays together. We have a second boy on the way and he's started a flexi work time so ge can drop our son off to school so I can have a bit chilled morning before work. I do the dishes and bath time so he can chill for a bit. By 7 evrything is done( he hoovers, dishes away, toys tidy, packed lunch done etc don't mean to brag it's just to show what some husbands can be like.

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