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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband works part time but doesn't do housework

67 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 07/09/2018 00:20

Sorry if this has been discussed elsewhere already.

I returned full time after having my girls, now years 9 and 11 at school (13 and 15).

My husband went onto three days when I finished my first maternity leave and I never expected much in the way of housework as his 'job' on his two days at home was to care for the girls.

When they went to school we agreed he would use their time at school to tidy the house and get tea ready etc. but he never really got into much of a routine other than doing the washing and some of the ironing, I would still do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning despite working full time, which would eat into the evenings and precious weekends.

The girls are now a few years into senior school and it's still the same. While I love the fact that I never have to do any washing I'm worn out working long days and coming home to a constantly messy house. He swapped his hours so has one full 'day off' and four early finishes so is home before the girls four days a week, but never plans a meal so I have to do it when I get home at six. He doesn't engage the girls about their homework, I have to start nagging when I get in, and my weekends seem to be spent cleaning, shopping, doing jobs around the house instead of doing fun family stuff.

What makes things worse is he often spends his 'day off' going on jaunts with his friends that work shifts. I've suggested he might as well go back to work full time and we'll get a cleaner in!

The real stab in the back is that he moans we never have family time, that we never have any spare money, and blames the house being a mess on me and the kids. He's even been talking lately about how soon he could retire!

I just feel like the weight of everything is on me and am being taken for a mug, my health hasn't been 100% for the past few months and I get really tired so things are a bit hard going. He's not completely fit either so feel bad having a go.

Sorry for the rant. Sad

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 07:48

Gees, that arrangement would have lasted about 5 minutes with me, not nearly 10 years. Not sure that talking to him will change anything but I assume you already have. Think you're pretty much stuck with this slug now unless you want a really expensive divorce. He won't change.

Shampaincharly · 07/09/2018 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverLining10 · 07/09/2018 07:53

Yanbu at all. He is massively taking advantage of this. Your girls are old enough to be independent in that they dont need supervision as toddlers do and even so they can also pitch in with chores.

The obvious solution here would be for him to get a full time job and get a cleaner.

serbska · 07/09/2018 08:00

You defo need to have an ‘I’m at breaking point’ chat.

Write down everything you both do, and go through it with him. Does he think that is a ‘fIr’ Division of labour in the relationship? How does he think it should change? Would he be happy for his girls to be married in a situation like yours?

Redken24 · 07/09/2018 08:03

Your children are definitely at an age where they should be doing homework unprompted.
Also can they not do some chores?
God not sure how you have managed so long with your dh like that - there's no reason for him to be waiting for yu to come home to cool dinner unless he's incapable using a cooker/toaster/microwave.
He needs to pull his weight.

Crunchymum · 07/09/2018 08:05

So you've been putting up with this shit for 12 years?

Rod and back are two words thay spring to mind Shock

NotANotMan · 07/09/2018 08:09

And what has he said when you have raised this inequality with him previously?

montenuit · 07/09/2018 08:11

There are a few issues here

  1. what time does he leave/get home on his working day?
  2. he wants one "free" day a week (wouldn't we all?) but when is your "free" day?
  3. at that age your dcs should be mostly independent re homework. What are they doing between getting home and you getting home at 6? Is he driving them around to clubs or something?
  4. start meal planning and online grocery shopping. then decide who is responsible for each evening meal (between all 4 of you).
  5. in his defence washing and ironing and putting clothes away does actually take quite a bit of time...
  6. take stock of your pensions, give him a reality check.

I think really the outcome you want is for him to work ft and get a cleaner in a couple of times a week.

Sarahandduck18 · 07/09/2018 08:12

How are you dividing money?

If he’s not pulling his weight he shouldn’t get the spoils of your hard work.

His life is a holiday- cross him off the next holiday invite list.

Let him eat beans and toast and baked potatoes until he earns his keep.

Therealjudgejudy · 07/09/2018 08:13

Yep sorry to say it, you are a total mug.

Motoko · 07/09/2018 08:16

I'm in agreement with everyone else. This is blatantly unfair, and I'm not sure why you've allowed it to go on for so long.

He should be cooking dinner on the days he's home early.

Now is a good age to teach the kids how to use the washing machine. I taught mine at 14, and after that, they had to do their own washing. They can also help with the hoovering and start learning to cook.

If things don't change, you're going to have to leave him, or your health will get worse. At least if you're not living together, you won't have as much mess, you won't be feeling so resentful, and you'll get EO weekend and some of the holidays to yourself, when you can relax.

inmyshoos · 07/09/2018 08:28

This sounds exactly exh.
Totally unfair. Hope you can get it sorted op. Flowers

eelbecomingforyou · 07/09/2018 08:30

What a lazy fuckwit he is.

Either he returns to work full time or you leave. Then you/he pay for a cleaner.

He's taking advantage. Is there any benefit to your relationship? Sounds like he doesn't pull his weight at all. Have you talked to him about it? Said what your expectations are? What kind of bell end wouldn't even think about planning a meal if they're home from work first??

OutPinked · 07/09/2018 08:34

The girls are now old enough to also be pitching in and they should be responsible for doing their homework.

I’m surprised you didn’t snap at him a long, long time ago tbh. You need a sit down chat with all three of them, tell them what you expect to be done before you return from work and they can figure out a system between the three of them.

BarbedBloom · 07/09/2018 08:37

I work part time (four days) due to a chronic health condition and my DH works full time. I do almost all of the housework unless it is a bad day and my DH will sometimes cook or do things I can't manage, like putting the bins out. If I can manage it, so can he. He has slid into this pattern and it suits him quite well not to get out of it.

This distribution is really not fair. Either he steps up more or he goes back to work full time and you get a cleaner. I do think it would be good to get the children to do some things too though as it builds good habits for the future. For a start he should certainly be cooking as he is home and he could either do an online shop or go pick some stuff up, especially if he is already out meeting people as you say.

crosser62 · 07/09/2018 08:38

Oh I'm sorry but this situation would be utterly intolerable if It were mine.
You sound like his doormat.
No. If it continues surely the feeling of resentment will become overwhelming leading to you hating him, that would end things anyway. Come on, sort this, grow a pair and get him told. Get his shit together and contribute fairly and properly or get his shit together and fuck off.
Don't continue to be his doormat.

Poloshot · 07/09/2018 08:39

He sounds bone idle

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 07/09/2018 08:42

Woah, your husband is a right cheeky fucker.

What exactly are you gaining by him not working full time? Sounds like the whole idea of you working full time and him working part time was to take the pressure off you at home, and he's not pulling his weight, is he?

BlueSkyBurningBright · 07/09/2018 08:42

My Dh was like this. He had months of not working whilst I was working full time. He would drop off and pick the kids up from nursery (they were a lot younger than yours) but nothing else. I told him that I could not deal with this and he needed to step up. He explained that he was not going to change. I explained that I was leaving him.

That was 12 years ago. We are divorced, I am remarried and am much happier. He is still single, not changed and blames me for everything.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2018 08:47

Why would it change though? He's been getting away with this shit behaviour for over a decade. Don't be a mug all your life op

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2018 09:02

Is your husband considerably older than you? (Just you mentioned he's talking about retiring). Not that it excuses his behaviour - I just wondered if he has an archaic idea of "wife work".

givemesteel · 07/09/2018 09:17

Is your husband considerably older than you? (Just you mentioned he's talking about retiring). Not that it excuses his behaviour - I just wondered if he has an archaic idea of "wife work".

It would be amusing if he had this archaic idea of "wife work" when he doesn't do the archaic idea of doing "husband work", ie bring the breadwinner.

MerryMarigold · 07/09/2018 09:18

Are you moaning or have you discussed a way forward. I know in an ideal world, you wouldn't have to. I wouldn't write a list. I would have a discussion with a piece of paper and maybe with the girls as well. Brainstorm everything which needs doing from cleaning the bathroom to hoovering the house to cooking. Then divide it up fairly. Personally I think the 15yo should be able to do one meal a week, which is also great training for living independently, not just to let you off the hook. Dh should cover the other days you work and maybe you cover the weekend cooking. I would do it more as discussion/ rota.

Seems like you have created a bit of a 'martyr' syndrome for many years and dh has got into bad habits too. Not letting him off the hook, but sounds a bit like you have enabled this unless it has been a constant fight. I guess I sympathise a bit with your dh as I also work part time, but dh does some of the housework. This is partly that I have some health issues, and partly that I am not great at certain things (washing up, tidying up). I have got better at tidying, but my standard is never his standard and with 3 kids that's a conflict.

AJPTaylor · 07/09/2018 09:22

Why?
Why?
Why?
In the name of god do you allow that?
Put your big girl pants on and manage the lazy fecker

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2018 09:25

It would be amusing if he had this archaic idea of "wife work" when he doesn't do the archaic idea of doing "husband work", ie bring the breadwinner.

Excellent point Steel

He sounds a lazy bugger by any standards.

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