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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 18 is a compulsive liar

75 replies

1981fishgut · 06/09/2018 22:14

We just not sure how long we can hang on having him at home

He suffers with Depression and has very mild gdd

Yes he has a very good job but he lies consistently and all the time

He omits
He Denys
He ropes in others in his lies

He also peppers things with the truth to make it seem like he’s telling the truth
He prentends he has forgotten things
And even when you catch him read handed he still lies he lies if you try and give him a way out

He also dosent admit fault ever

It’s really difficult to live with and we are really struggling emotionally it’s very draining you basically can’t belive anything he said even things.

If we confront him on his lies he shout shakes and screams

anyone else having this issue with their teen young adult

Were working on a manged move he’s saving from his job so we can move him out in 3 years he gives us £500 per month and we put that in a ISA but we’re struggling to hold on

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/09/2018 22:20

Are his lies malicious?
My DS (18) lies as easy as breathing , but he has always done so (little bugger that he is) , 99.99% it to cover his laziness.

And if I do catch him out , he's meh .
Nothing ever harmful or spiteful though, usually blaming his sister for something she has/hasn't done .
Or "Yes I looked for the book it isn't in my room"
So I go in, and , find it.
"DS it wasn't in my hand when I went into your room, so it was there all the time. Yes? "

Liars need a good memory.
If you suspect he's fibbing get him to tell you the story backwards. He'll trip himself up.

Of course if he's an Out-and-Out malicious LieMonger then that's different .

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 22:21

Why does he have to be at home? Can he not move out?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/09/2018 22:26

You've got two threads going BTW.

Why does he have to be at home? Can he not move out?

Is it an option though? How many 18yo can live away from home (especially an 18yo DS with GDD like the OP says)

My DS certainly couldn't afford to (I tell him he's stuck with me )

Original poster
1981fishgut · 06/09/2018 22:27

70isaLimitNotaTarget

Yes not so much when he was younger

But we had at least two indecents now we’re he’s lies have nearly had police
One included him pretending he was attacked to us

Even allowing us to call the police luckily their was a huge incident that night and the police were unable to attend and we got the truth and were able cancel the police

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 06/09/2018 22:31

We’re trying to do a manged moved
He will have enough to buy a home in 3 years

He’s doing a traineeship

He’s a liar but he’s still my son and don’t want him on the street and I don’t want him to loose his job he’s often lives in victim hood and if it all came crashing down because we put him out it would be awful

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 06/09/2018 22:34

I just say I expect once he moves out we won’t see him

He is a user also dosent do anything for anyone that dosent benefit

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/09/2018 22:37

Does he appreciate the impact of what he says.
Who is he saying attacked him? Someone he knows or a random street attack (You don't need to answer if you feel you don't want to put too much information)

Like - does he say he was mugged because he's covering up overspending or loss of money/phone . Because its the first thing he's thought of to deflect the blame.
Or does he really want to get some innocent into trouble?

Does he enjoy his work?

I know 18yo are legally adults but the worrying doesn't stop does it?

Rebecca36 · 06/09/2018 22:42

It's a fact that young people and children are inclined to be selfish and they do tell lies for all sorts of reasons. However, saying he was attacked when he wasn't is extreme.

He'll probably outgrow it and when he leaves home, he will come back and see you so don't worry.

Do impress upon him the need to tell the truth or say nothing. I expect you already do that but it cannot be said too often. Also don't ask him unnecessary questions that might put him on the spot.

All the best for the future.

PawneeParksDept · 06/09/2018 22:56

I once worked with a young woman who lied continuously like ALL THE TIME, minor and major ones

She had other traits that indicated she wasn't neurotypical, a lack of awareness of her conduct socially was a big one as was an inability to allow others to share conversation without interrupting with another fabricated yarn.

She had no diagnosis of anything

Then one day I met a woman at a conference who was telling me about her autistic son and how he frequently made allegations about things because for some reason his brain could not distinguish between a fiction he'd imagined and something that had actually happened.

It was this girl to a tee, she would imagine scenarios and then reframe them as factual occurrences.

This made her an absolute liability in many ways and sadly no one from that group has any contact with her now.

It wasn't really her fault but she was putting people at risk with some of what she said. I only very narrowly managed to stop her making a false statement to the police about being stalked at one time. It was exhausting.

Does that sound familiar?

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 07:28

I just feel like I am the only one this is happening to and I stand corrected also he’s not a compulsive liar he’s phathalocial

In the face of the truth even when evidence is presented he still lies

God it’s so depressing

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 07:32

@PawneeParksDept

Yes he usually makes up things though to cover his own bizarre or wrong behaviour

Or when challenged on somthing he is doing he will blame others

He also is very paranoid that either me or my husband is out to get him

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 07/09/2018 07:42

What about him renting, rather than buying later. Or those help to buy things.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 07:44

I'm struggling to understand why he can't get a job and move out. Surely parents don't normally save money to buy their dcs houses??

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 07:48

@Miladymilord. He has a job I have just explained

He’s doing a traineeship he is doing a HND we were hoping to do a manged moved were he saves them buys in 3 years then he’s settled and out of my hair for good

He’s difficult to live with and lies but we love him and do want him settled properly

We don’t want him to loose his job

He’s 18 but very immature and really feel the wheels will come off if he rents that’s why we’re holding out for a few years hoping he will mature then he can buy

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 07:55

Also we’re very conscious that he plays into victim hood very well and I can foresee the renting disaster we’re we would be squarely blamed for his issues or he would end up back here then we would never be rid

OP posts:
serbska · 07/09/2018 08:07

Why do you need to buy a house for him? Can’t he move out into a shared house with other youngsters? Maybe people from work? 18 year olds move out and away to live with others for university.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 08:27

Have you sat him down and said we can't live like this?

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 10:15

@serbska please read the post I am not buying a house for him

He is giving us money every month so HE can save for one

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 10:17

@Miladymilord. That’s the problem he thinks he is the wronged party and has done nothing wrong and will only admit to the minimum of lies told and only the ones we had overwhelming evidence

Eveything he just says he can’t remember

OP posts:
serbska · 07/09/2018 10:18

Whatever. Buying his own house. You buying it for him. Makes no difference. Buying a house at age 20 isn't really an essential.

Why can't he live in shared house and least a bit of independence away from you?

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 10:20

I wouldnt enagege with the lies. I'd keep my relationship very neutral. I'd be like a broken record about having to move out next year.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 10:21

Can he drive? You'd be better off paying for driving lessons. It's amazing how independent driving makes them.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 10:23

Is he smoking cannabis?

VeryClumsy · 07/09/2018 10:23

This is scarily reminiscent of my ex. Pathological liar, would lie about anything and everything: he'd lie about what he had for dinner, just for the sake of it. But he'd also come up with more sinister lies and it would come so easily to him. If he got caught out in a lie he'd keep digging and digging before eventually having a meltdown and making me feel so sorry for him that I'd brush it all under the carpet. He ended up making my life a misery for four years - in the final 8 months he had another girlfriend at the same time as me and lied about it to both of us to the very end. Thinking about it now, he was definitely a sociopath.
I don't know what to suggest because nothing could ever get through to him. I'm really sorry OP, I do think I know how you feel. It must be even more difficult for you, I was able to just terminate the relationship and move on. So much more tricky when it's your child. Thanks

mavismcruet · 07/09/2018 10:32

Could he be smoking weed? My nephew acted similarly a few years back. He used to tell his mum the most tangled web of lies about the most ordinary things. He was smoking weed a lot. It has improved with him stopping smoking (we think), moving out and getting a girlfriend. He has definitely improved with age!

Btw my SIL didn’t clock for ages that he was smoking weed. He covered his tracks well - changes of clothes, blaming his mates, copious amounts of lynx!