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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 18 is a compulsive liar

75 replies

1981fishgut · 06/09/2018 22:14

We just not sure how long we can hang on having him at home

He suffers with Depression and has very mild gdd

Yes he has a very good job but he lies consistently and all the time

He omits
He Denys
He ropes in others in his lies

He also peppers things with the truth to make it seem like he’s telling the truth
He prentends he has forgotten things
And even when you catch him read handed he still lies he lies if you try and give him a way out

He also dosent admit fault ever

It’s really difficult to live with and we are really struggling emotionally it’s very draining you basically can’t belive anything he said even things.

If we confront him on his lies he shout shakes and screams

anyone else having this issue with their teen young adult

Were working on a manged move he’s saving from his job so we can move him out in 3 years he gives us £500 per month and we put that in a ISA but we’re struggling to hold on

OP posts:
Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 10:33

My brother was similar. He was smoking a lot of weed. He still lives at home and he's in his 30s.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/09/2018 10:33

then we would never be rid

I know he has his issues and it must be difficult to live with but that makes quite sad reading, unless you just worded it wrongly.

Superduper13 · 07/09/2018 10:44

I agree with @PawneeParksDept, there are elements of his behaviour that sound like he could be on the autistic spectrum; the lack of sociallly acceptable behaviour , inability to see things from another’s perspective and empathise, inability to appreciate that others can see through his lies, not able to see the consequences of his actions.
Not that this helps when coping day to day with his lies, it does sound very difficult.
You mention you are unlikely to hear from him once he moves out- how does he cope in relationships in general ? Can he keep friendships ?

I think others are right in terms of not engaging too much, but I’d also make sure he knows you know he is lying. If he does have difficulties understanding another persons perspective , he needs to know that you think something different to him and also that there are consequences too.

On the positive OP, you have instilled him with a good work ethic and saving for a house at his age is admirable. I know it’s not essential (as mentioned by pp) but can be an investment for his future.
I wish you all the best, this does sound like a hard situation.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2018 10:48

The problem with him buying a property is that it's very likely he'll get fired from his job if he's lying there, particularly if he then blames someone else.

I understand you want him to have a stable home but most 18 year olds aren't capable of living in a purchased property (I know he'll be 21 by then but you say he has gdd) - do you think he'll manage to pay bills, mend things if they go wrong, pay insurance etc?

It's a horrible situation that you're in, OP.

PawneeParksDept · 07/09/2018 11:17

I don't think the OP should be criticised too much for how she feels.

For parents of adults with SN the single biggest worry is how they will manage once their parents are gone

But also the idea that this should be the moment (at 18) when parents of NT children get their lives back, and their freedom.

This doesn't happen for SN parents

Also services/charities that could be relied upon when your child was a child melt away at 18. There is next to nothing out there.

Yes the girl I knew was pathological with her lies.

The thing was though I came to the conclusion she just couldn't stop herself, the mechanism for it wasn't there. He perhaps needs access to targeted therapies.

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 12:28

Miladymilord No we don’t think he smokes weed and for some reason he won’t learn how to drive

His grandparents kindly gave him money but he just wasn’t interested even when dh suggested he could car share with him

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 12:31

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack

then we would never be rid

I know he has his issues and it must be difficult to live with but that makes quite sad reading, unless you just worded it wrongly.

yes it’s very sad and we both feel helpless last month we were on holiday he told ya the house was in trouble we rushed back to find their was no issue just wanted us to answer I was on the ferry and reception was poorhe just can’t help it

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 12:33

@PawneeParksDept. He’s had a councillor but just lies to them because he doesn’t see the issue

Just kept saying not sure why I am here Confusedhes on fluoxetine if that’s how you spell it

He doesn’t seem to understand his lies are becoming dangerous and will have an effect

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/09/2018 12:41

You will have to assume everything he says is a lie, then, OP. If you're on holiday, you can expect him to phone with tales of some disaster or other - you can also expect him to be lying. Do you have a neighbour or family member who can pop round in a situation like that?

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 14:49

We have had to install a camera in the house and switch on when we’re away and have a mate but that’s what makes it worse because

After he said their was somthing wornh with the house I sent for my friend who found a sitter for her kids and was on the way round she left work early

He doesn’t give a shit his lies effect others

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 14:49

And it gets to a point be because he’s 18 not 8 I feel I can’t really ask anyone else to help

OP posts:
Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 14:50

@HollowTalk yes from about last year sadly we just had to assume he is lying clearly it dose nothing for our relationship but he can’t see that the issue is him lying not us not trusting him

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 07/09/2018 14:57

Would you consider a B&B for him whilst you're away? We had to do this.

BobbleHat102 · 07/09/2018 15:30

Sorry to sound harsh, but you simply need to kick him out. This is abusive behaviour, and that's not something I say lightly.

PawneeParksDept · 07/09/2018 15:35

I didn't mean Counselling as such

I meant something targeted at behavioural change like CBT

Is GDD his only diagnosis ?

Because in my old area I can think of support orgs that would help you with a Keyworker for YP with the right "label"

RidingARollerCoaster · 07/09/2018 15:42

I agree with other posters, kick him out, he’s got a job - he won’t be homeless. If he falls on his arse & begs to come home then there’s ground rules I.e. not lying.

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 16:08

@RidingARollerCoaster we don’t want him back so need to make sure he is set up

@PawneeParksDeptappently he has depression I think he has a personality disorder but he is very charming and saves the crazy stuff just for us

He worked at his old job for a year and a half before having to resign because he committed a small fraud Angry and or course that was nothing to do with him either I almost wished they had called the police tbh

OP posts:
Goth237 · 07/09/2018 16:13

Kick him out- he sounds like a nightmare. And I know he's your little darling and you love him, but you're clearly not being tough enough on him. He has you both wrapped around his little finger and there don't sound as though there are any consequences for his lies. I would be LIVID if my son lied to get us back off of holiday. Absolutely fuming. And, regarding the lie he told about being attacked, I would still have wanted the police to come round. It's a crime to make up stories like that and waste police time and perhaps he could have been taken into custody- do him some damn good and show him that he can't just get away with saying anything he wants.

OftenHangry · 07/09/2018 16:19

@1981fishgut you need to tell him to move out. Now. That's it.
Don't wait until he can buy a house, he NEEDS to learn to be without you before that otherwise it will end up repossessed.
He can get a room in a sharehouse and learn to be without you. That will hopefully give him bit of a kick.
It's the best you can do for him!

RidingARollerCoaster · 07/09/2018 16:21

I agree, he needs to learn to rent & live independently before he can take on the responsibility of a mortgage.

Original poster
1981fishgut · 07/09/2018 16:39

Goth237

He certainly dose not we don’t belive his lies at all and if you have read my first post he has MH issues witch he is taking medication for and GDD

This is what living with a child who has SN aid like when they become teens

OP posts:
N0tfinished · 07/09/2018 16:46

I would agree with the PP who've mentioned ASD. Your circumstances sound familiar to me - I have a cousin who's in her early 30's, still living at home with her parents. She has OCD, but I've always suspected that she was on the autism spectrum (I have a child with ASD myself). She's been very troubled since she was a child- school refusal etc. Her OCD compulsions seem to always trigger in a way that's very controlling of her mothers life. She needs showers but refuses to touch taps so her mother has to stand by the shower like some ladies maid. Her mother can't have friends over, can't go out unless the trips are at my cousins' behest. Cousin will declare her room contaminated & insist parents sleep on the sofa so she can have their room. She's so determined and has very frightening outbursts if she's opposed at all. My aunt is so stressed and beaten down. She's had a series of strokes & is showing signs of dementia.

People who say 'kick him out' don't really understand the dilemma of a child who makes life so difficult but is vulnerable at the same time. I'm sure you know OP that your son won't cope well on his own.

It seems what whatever support you receive with SN children just fall away once the child turns 18. My only suggestion is if he could qualify for some kind of supported living arrangement? Does such a thing exist where you are? I'm not in the UK. If you could find a way for him to go through with an adult ASD review (perhaps GP could help?) he might qualify for more support or for social worker support?

I do feel for you OP

ChampagneCommunist · 07/09/2018 16:53

This doesn't sound like a mental health issue; this sounds like a sociopath.

Liar? Yes. Conscience? No. Says sociopath to me.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 16:55

Or he's just really, really immature. In which case I'd be wanting him to gain more life experience ie moving out.

My parents never kicked my brother out and he's still there now, he's 36.

PawneeParksDept · 07/09/2018 17:06

People who say 'kick him out' don't really understand the dilemma of a child who makes life so difficult but is vulnerable at the same time. I'm sure you know OP that your son won't cope well on his own.

This.

The person I knew, was not malicious but was literally unable not to lie due to some neurological difficulty

I'm amazed at the Kick Him Out stuff they are acting as if he is a neurotypical adult rather than a Vulnerable adult with a significant processing disorder.

Though as I and the other poster have said services fall away at 18, there must be some service that applies.

You say he committed a fraud.

Have you googled for forensic learning disabilities services in your area?

It's for people who are at risk of committing crime due to their lack of appreciation of consequences due to learning difficulty.