To be surprised that relatively high spending on a wedding, means it is less likely to last

[abacucat]

Study quoted below.

"..we find evidence that relatively high spending on the engagement ring is inversely associated with marriage duration among male respondents. Relatively high spending on the wedding is inversely associated with marriage duration among female respondents, and relatively low spending on the wedding is positively associated with duration among male and female respondents. Additionally, we find that having high wedding attendance and having a honeymoon (regardless of how much it cost) are generally positively associated with marriage duration."

papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

Ahh but that’s romantic. Oak trees live for 100s of years don’t they? And who needs sparkly gems by that stage anyway!

I’ll tell you when I get there - guaranteed you see, due to cheap dress. Also our cake was made by a friend and we used my dad’s car as the wedding car. Now, where’s my oak?

But why are shallow people more likely to be divorced? The two things aren’t connected

“Makes sense - people who spend £££££ on a wedding care more about the wedding than the marriage. 🤷🏼‍♀️”

What, all of em?

We paid about £13,000 for our wedding, give or take, it was within our means at the time due to a fortunate living and working arrangement, but it’s still a lot.
DH and I are very happy, we obviously have our normal relationship gripes, but otherwise we’ve never been better.

On the other hand I have a friend who’s close to divorce and has been for a year or so, and probably spent about £1,000 overall, excluding the dress. It was also within their budget and they weren’t left in debt, the wedding plays no role in their issues.

I think it’s all a load of crap that if you spend a lot (and it doesn’t leave you in debt) your marriage will be shorter.
Obviously money worries would cause problems with anybody, but if you can afford it, I doubt it would have any bearings in how long your marriage will last.

The focus should be on the marriage, not the wedding. If the focus is on the marriage, I would suspect that the marriage would be successful than those who are mainly focused on having a 'big white wedding'.

BUT, just because a couple have a big white wedding doesn't mean they're not focused on the marriage.

My DH and I had a wedding bigger than I thought we would, but, at the end of the day, we were fortunate enough to be able to afford it without going into debt (which I think is a really baffling trend at the moment, getting into debt for one day...!)

It's an interesting and well-worn topic on which their have been quite a few articles about etc. But hopefully it will help put the message out there that a marriage is about a partnership, not a wedding.

we did actually have an expensive wedding, but that was more to console my DM (who paid for it) for the fact that I was moving a long way away

looking back, I suspect it is that general laidbackness and desire to keep everybody happy, not least on dh's part, that has been a major factor behind the fact that we have recently celebrated our silver wedding

a man who will cheerfully stuff himself into a penguin suit to please his prospective mother-in-law and then go on to actually enjoy himself is a useful man to have around

Shallow people would be more likely to marry for superficial reasons, sort of stands to reason.

For the frock, for the party, to be better than their sister, because planning the wedding is now their main hobby and they haven't had a conversation with their DP about anything else in months...

Because their family expects it, because they're bored, because it's what you do when you're grown up, because they want a baby...

Loads of stupid reasons to get married. You have to pretty shallow and have very little self-awareness to marry for any of those reasons.

I’m fairly sure that I have read the part that lots of family attending is positively correlated before.

I can imagine there is a higher concentration of Bridezilla’s in the expensive category and Suggest that Bridezilla (or groomzilla) behaviour that is the cause of breakdown.

These boards contain many examples of abusive partners who are fond of grand gestures.

Oh dear, I'm not fussed about a fancy wedding but I would like a decent ring, should I be so lucky! I'm a bit fussy with jewellery but I'm not expecting the cullinan diamond, either. The main point is who asks! Where does that leave me in the "you're fucked" stakes?

Yep I would agree.
Likewise I think that people who brag about their relationship on social media, how loved up they are, #feeling blessed, are the least secure about their lives and relationships. So they probably don’t have the most perfect relationship despite the boasting.

All they are doing is making gestures to show how wonderful lof is. Whether that’s an extortionately expensive wedding, or a Facebook brag.
Most people who are happy and in love are too busy making each other happy to give a damn what the rest of the world think/have to say about it.

Yes, I’m sorry to say you’re fucked hathaway . No oak for you! .

LIGHTHEARTED btw... obviously, I hope!

I think that people who brag about their relationship on social media, how loved up they are, #feeling blessed, are the least secure about their lives and relationships. So they probably don’t have the most perfect relationship despite the boasting.

I would like to think this is true, cantcatchme, but I wonder if there is any evidence for it. My sister is constantly writing those sickly I-have-the-best-husband-in-the-world posts and her marriage is very happy. I also have this ridiculously smug friend (who is actually very nice), always going on about how blessed and lucky she is to have her husband and baby DD and, as far as I know, they are incredibly happy.

I'd love to see a study on this! I think it makes us feel better to think that the show-offs are actually miserable but I'd like to know if it's really the case!

I agree puss. It’s a mixed bag, like most things. It’s never “always the couples who...”. Too simplistic.

What’s that quote?

“All mass generalisations suffer from defects inherent in their simplicity; including this one”!

Pussinsandals you make interesting and fair points. Maybe it isn’t the case I don’t suppose there is any evidence one way or the other for the social media braggers.

However I do think it must show a lack of self awareness on their part.
I admit to talking about my dh and dc and things we have done etc to friends, but I’m not constantly posting about my perfect life for a few reasons.
Firstly you never know what’s round the corner.
Secondly I’m very average in almost everything, looks, job, house etc.
But I understand that even an average all rounder has a lot more than some, and I’d never want to make someone else feel shit about what they have (or don’t have).
You never know if going on about your perfect #blessed family may be a knife in the heart to a friend quietly battling to conceive or going through a divorce.
So yes I talk about my family, and I quietly count my blessings every single day. Mrs average with a family really isn’t a bad place to be and I wouldn’t swap for anything.
But I just couldn’t go on the way some do, shoving their lives down other people’s throats with an almost vomit inducing sicklyness about it.

I think sometimes, particularly if the couple get into debt for it, a grand wedding is just this, look at us and what we have. Not always a declaration of their love for each other, but a show for the rest of the world.
Also, it seems like everyone tries to buy into the celeb lifestyle, and would like to believe all their Facebook friends are just hanging off their every selfie and latest #feeling blessed family photo.

People who have superficial social values tend to spend more money on showy stuff and grand gestures, so this doesn’t surprise me.

My DH and I are very happy together, nearly 30 years, but we prefer to conduct our relationship face to face rather than on Facebook. Accept it might be different for people who are digital natives.

I'm not in the least surprise.

People who would rather spend money on one day than on building a secure future for themselves and their partner are obviously going to be less likely to stay married than people who don't need the validation of an expensive wedding.

Our wedding was thrown together in 6 weeks after finding out I was very unexpectedly pregnant (we were already engaged). I absolutely hated it, nothing was like what I'd imagined, apart from the fact I got to marry my best friend.

I now realise it doesn't matter one iota what the day was like and I was aspiring to keep up with the Joneses. We're very happily married and are witnessing several people going into horrific debt to fund ONE SINGLE DAY.

You can swing any research study to be a shock statistic, it doesn’t mean that having an expensive ring equals divorce just that people who can afford a ring will have other factors that are morel likely to divorce

People who spend less on weddings may be poor so therefore can’t afford to divorce

People who spends loads on weddings may be rich and loaded and therefore more likely to be attractive to other people and have more opportunity to cheat eg working away, money to spend on hotels etc

A fancy wedding might mean that the bride becomes a bridzilla and causes tension in the marriage, the groom feels sidelined and possibly gone into debt to please his wife

I think it depends on the couple and their approach to getting married. I have a friend who spent a serious amount of money on her wedding. But her and her DH were both on the same page with what they wanted, agreed things together etc.

I did my wedding and honeymoon for just over £1k. We weren't deliberately trying to be cheap, but neither of us were bothered about having a big bash - we just wanted to be married.

Well I had a cheap wedding, 1000 pounds spent and we separated two years later.

I really hope none of our much-loved guests, who came and celebrated and ate the lovely food and drank the lovely drinks and were so warm and loving towards us were secretly thinking that the big wedding was a form of validation for us and that we are unlikely to last. That is a very sad thought. We have been together nearly 14years and have a baby so I don’t have any concerns

Weddings have become more expensive and extravagant since couples started living together and having children. As the wedding is now possibly the only exciting event the bride and groom have to look forward to, which is why it is seen as so important these days. In the olden days, I think it was more about the marriage and less about the actual wedding as the wedding was the means to start of a new life together, not something that is tacked on to a long term relationship.

Hersymphonyandsong I don’t think any of your guests were thinking this.
I have only thought ‘I hope this isn’t the case’ when couples I know have got into thousands and thousands of debt for their wedding.
I haven’t thought it about anyone who could afford it or saved for it. It’s just when people seem to get so much debt for something that they aren’t willing To save for it makes me wonder why. To start married life with so much debt.
That said I know one couple still paying off their wedding from five years ago and they seem happy enough so nothing is a universal given.
Also as I said in a previous post none of us know what is round the corner. I sincerely hope my marriage lasts a lifetime. I had an averageish middle of the road wedding. Not extravagant like some but not the cheapest either.
I don’t think this factor alone makes my marriage more or less likely to be successful.

Well that’s me told :D

Incidentally baby came after wedding but I don’t That matters. Some people like a party anyway - many have big christening parties etc, it’s not like there’s no other opportunity