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Original poster

To be surprised that relatively high spending on a wedding, means it is less likely to last

129 replies

abacucat · 06/09/2018 13:25

Study quoted below.

"..we find evidence that relatively high spending on the engagement ring is inversely associated with marriage duration among male respondents. Relatively high spending on the wedding is inversely associated with marriage duration among female respondents, and relatively low spending on the wedding is positively associated with duration among male and female respondents. Additionally, we find that having high wedding attendance and having a honeymoon (regardless of how much it cost) are generally positively associated with marriage duration."

papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

OP posts:
Original poster
abacucat · 06/09/2018 13:48

3,000 people is a pretty decent sample size.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 06/09/2018 13:51

I would guess it's more likely if the cost of the wedding along with rings caused a lot of debt for the couple. Starting off a marriage heavily in debt isn't a recipe for success.

JustTheLemons · 06/09/2018 13:55

It’s one of those things where there are outliers both sides.

It makes sense that more money= more focused on the wedding, less= more focused on the marriage, however this is a huge generalisation.

My barber in law threw a big lavish wedding because my in laws are Irish, so they had a big family and laid on lots of booze and food. Most of the money went on that. They are blissfully happy.

Meanwhile, someone I knew threw together a small wedding after forcing her OH to propose in order to ‘beat her sister down the aisle.’ She barely spent anything and banded about the ‘it’s about being married, not the wedding’ argument, which on the surface would support the statistics. However, us in the know were aware of the real reason. They divorced less than a year later.

So to sum up, like anything, plenty of exceptions to the rule!

SallySideEye · 06/09/2018 13:57

Not surprised. it's like going over the top on social media about your relationship happiness and then splitting up. Same thing. Must be denial.

crosstalk · 06/09/2018 13:57

abacucat but from a FE uni observing US weddings? No indication what the jobs were for the people involved, income levels, religion or how it was sampled.

Isn't there a difference between a medical sample size and a social observation sample?

Truly very glad to be informed.

CoolCarrie · 06/09/2018 13:58

Must be handy to have a barber in the family Just! 😁

Raglansleeve · 06/09/2018 13:59

Not surprised at all - people thinking of the 'the wedding' rather than 'the marriage'.

ShadyLady53 · 06/09/2018 14:01

Not at all surprised tbh! The two biggest showiest weddings I can recall resulted in marriages that didn’t even last 18 months.

A bridezilla that I know at the moment is having an absolutely huge wedding that her family are having to go into debt to fund and she treats her husband to be dreadfully. He earns a modest wage as a cleaner and between them they can’t afford to move out from their parents’ homes so, realistically, what does having a huge wedding say about priorities?! Can it last if they can only afford to live together if they are in one room at her parents house and she has champagne tastes whilst he earns MW as a cleaner and she’s a part time carer (also on MW). He’s a lovely lad and I feel really sorry for him. He also didn’t propose to her! She pretty much just decided they were getting married and that was that. She wants to have a baby in time for the wedding too 😱.

Gromance02 · 06/09/2018 14:02

Maybe people who can afford expensive weddings are more likely to divorce because the wife can afford to get divorced You can't tell how much money a couple have just based on how much they spend on their wedding! We could've spent over £50k on a wedding but thought it would be wiser to put that towards our house deposit. If you have to get into debt for a wedding then that is bonkers! If £50k is fuck all to you then fair enough, spend it on your wedding.

MistressDeeCee · 06/09/2018 14:03

It's not as if shoestring weddings are guaranteed to last is it? One would have to be pretty dim to believe that to be the case

These nonsense surveys are just done to encourage sniping at people who do marry, and enjoying scorning them for their spends. Bonus schadenfreude points if it all goes wrong.

Throw in some virtue-signalling 'I only spent £100 on myyyyy wedding' and 'They spent so much money haha serves them right (said in non-direct way for maximum smug, of course) and you're good to go

Witchofwisteria · 06/09/2018 14:04

I'm not surprised, I think people must end up getting into debt, arguing because of all of the stress/difference of opinions on things and eventually the pressure means they go through with it because they feel they have spent too much to back out! Although these are people who probably shouldn't be getting married anyway!

Though ultimately part of me thinks the happier you are to have a cheap wedding the more chances there are you are doing it for the right reasons not just because you want a gigantic "look at me wedding"

PussInSandals · 06/09/2018 14:05

Actually, I AM surprised at this. I don't really get why people seem to think you either care about a big wedding and not about marriage, or you have a buffet at your parents' house because the marriage is what's important for you. Why can't both things be important?

I've been dreaming about both my wedding and my marriage since I was young and, if I had been so inclined to spend a small fortune on the wedding, I would have gone all out. I'm actually too frugal for that so made many savings (e.g second-hand dress, many things bought online from China!) but outwardly our wedding seemed fairly fancy, albeit intimate. We wanted a lovely day to remember and I relished in having a hen do and all the typical wedding trappings. That doesn't for a second mean that the marriage is any less important to me/us. We are literally in this unless death us do part and the day was so special because we created it together and we had a ball celebrating our love.

Why can't both things be important? We love a nice wedding but we love each other more! Having a buffet at home or eloping doesn't mean you you are necessarily more compatible or in love.

I agree with a PP who mentioned it could be related to other factors, e.g. economic situation making it harder to leave.

MrsFezziwig · 06/09/2018 14:05

That’s Harry & Meghan stuffed then.

Badtasteflump · 06/09/2018 14:08

Doesn't surprise me either. DH and I have been together nearly 20 years and are v happy. We weren't particularly bothered about the 'wedding'. We wanted to have a lovely day, obviously, and for our guests to enjoy it, but I was much more excited about the being married bit afterwards. Our wedding probably cost about 2 grand in total, including my dress. We could have spent more but were saving for our first home. To me, spending 20 grand on one day when you could use it for a nice healthy deposit on a house is just crazy.

I know a couple of people in RL who have been so excited about their 'big day' that they've almost gone through a kind of mourning when it's over - and not surprisingly, they're no longer together.

I know it doesn't have to apply - but there's some sense in the thinking that if you just want to be married to somebody so want to get it done and don't care how - you must really be sure about them and are definitely not doing it for the 'big day'.

PussInSandals · 06/09/2018 14:09

And in contrast to some of the PPs saying that the flashiest weddings resulted in divorce; only one of my friends' marriage has broken down and it happened within 18 months of their wedding celebrated at the register office in jeans followed by a dinner in their parents' house back garden.

Thatsfuckingshit · 06/09/2018 14:12

I used to be a wedding coordinator. I am not surprised by this.

From my point of view, the biggest weddings were usually less about the marriage itself. It wasn't always the bride and groom who were driving the spending either. But in big weddings there seemed to be loads of pressure and it being about a show. Than about the actual couple getting married and having a life together.

The pressure was sometimes, from the bride or groom who had to have 'their big day'/put do their friends etc. Or from parents who had to show how much they lived their kids/impress friend and aquaintences/ out do other family members/friends/colleagues etc. The pressure could be from grandma who wants to impress etc

These couples always seemed stressed and unhappy. I was never surprised when I would hear these couples had split.

ciderhouserules · 06/09/2018 14:14

I think a lot of marriages break up over money - who spends it, who earns it, what they do with it...

So it stands to reason that if you get into debt over ONE day, this is going to cause problems from the start.

Those who just have a small, within-budget wedding are more likely then, to not argue over the money.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/09/2018 14:15

I'm not surprised either.

I'm sort of proof. Relatively costly first wedding, I initiated divorce. Though I didn't want the wedding we got, overbearing MIL did though. I suspect that may have had more of an impact. Second wedding low cost. DH and I have outlived first marriage by quite some time, and hopefully won't change that any time soon. Second wedding was about getting married though, not about a show.

I've seen this anecdotally within my friendship groups too.

PussInSandals · 06/09/2018 14:18

Those who just have a small, within-budget wedding are more likely then, to not argue over the money.

But as a PP said above, if you're well-off, a £20k wedding is within budget so you wouldn't argue about money. So why would they be more likely to divorce than a couple who spend £2k which was their budget?

InertPotato · 06/09/2018 14:19

This study is an absolute pile of shit. Respondents were paid, it was self-reported, yada yada.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 06/09/2018 14:26

I had an expensive wedding that was within budget (the budget was a big one, lucky us!), with the bulk of the money spent on lovely food and drink for lots of guests we both love spending time with. I’ve never been to a wedding, big or small, where things were done “for show” - what a sad thing that must be

thereareflowersinmygarden · 06/09/2018 14:27

It actually makes logical sense.

If you have a small wedding, clearly you are not getting married for the sake of the wedding itself. You don't have any stupid ideas about it being the best day of your life (which would basically mean that it's all downhill from there).

If you have a big wedding, you might be just getting married because you want a big wedding (consciously or not). However you might also love your partner and it might last for decades, as well as wanting a big wedding; the two are not mutually exclusive.

Basically, small weddings are motivated by a desire to BE married as opposed to the motivation to have a wedding.

Original poster
abacucat · 06/09/2018 14:31

I guess it is weddings where the focus is on table decorations, flowers and favours, and less focus on the food and drinks, and the marriage afterwards.

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 06/09/2018 14:32

Haha but food and drink are way more expensive than table decorations, flowers and favours!

glintandglide · 06/09/2018 14:34

Just waiting for all the people who say every expensive wedding they’ve been to has ended in divorce and every bring your own food in the village Hall wedding they’ve been to is “the best they’ve ever been to” and the bride and groom always have long happy marriages.

Most of us spend the average amount (somewhere between £10-20k) and have average marriages (around 40% ending in divorce I think?)