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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this not a normal reaction.

91 replies

offtocornwall · 06/09/2018 08:09

We got a new car last week. Not brand new but nearly new much better than we thought we could afford as the finance was very reasonable. It's in my husbands name as I already have a car which is in my name and I have always paid for it myself.
My car is a little car. Fantastic for around town but not great for very long journeys. It also has a worn wheel bearing and is booked into the garage next week for repair.
Husband LOVES 'his' new car. Hasn't owned a decent car for years.
I have driven it a few times but not without having to get really stroppy. eg. Going to pick up large teenagers from a party . I wanted to take the new 'big' car rather than my tiny 4 seater 2 door one. .. I wouldn't think I had to 'ask permission' as we are married, both work full time and share bills.. therefore assume cars are shared too. (He has happily been using 'mine' for 3 months prior to getting this one. )
but no.. it wasn't offered and had to verbally wrestle the keys from him.

On to the issue . Last night I had to go and drop something with our daughter who has just moved into her new University house. It is a 90 minute drive and I had just driven home in my bone shaker for 50 minutes. On arrival I said I was taking the other car as more comfortable. Queue a huge strop. Refusing to give me the keys.. saying 'you'll ruin it' . (I have completed the college of police 3 week residential response drivers course, drive avg 250 miles a week and touch wood have never had an accident- except the odd bump/scratch - he has written off at least 2 cars )
He eventually handed them over. I got in the car - drove to the petrol station and bugger me ! The bloody door handle snapped..
I drive to daughters house. Then phoned him. To give him time to calm down. Didn't work. Absolutely ballistic. Accused me of 'doing it intentionally '. Screamed at me that I can pay for it.. (fine - but don't see any offers of help to pay for my up coming repair after he has been driving my car for months)

To add insult to injury it was our wedding anniversary yesterday. He was cooking a meal for us. (and our last child at home) but instead he went to bed at 8:30.

AIBU in thinking this behaviour isn't remotely sane and more indicative of a child with a favourite toy he doesn't want to share .
Why can't he accept that accidents happen and just get over it. I didn't get a wrench and rip the handle off intentionally. ! Sadly the car is out of the 3 yr warranty by 2 months so I can't get it repaired by the manufacturer and the dealer warranty doesn't cover it.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 06/09/2018 11:23

@Fattymcfaterson
in her op she said she pays all her car bills her self out of her money, where as the new car is out of combined family money " Not brand new but nearly new much better than we thought we could afford as the finance was very reasonable"
i think hes being a dickhead... if its family money then yes its a family car and even though its more for his use if you need the bigger car then you shouldn't have to beg to use it as you also pay for it! if he wants it as his car then he should make sure he pays all the costs associated with it like you do with your car! ( and if he doesnt chose to see it that way then maybe family money should be used to pay your car bills too.. fair is fair!)

Gersemi · 06/09/2018 11:25

You say you share bills etc, but then refer to the small car as "your" car? 🤔 So why can't he have "his" car?

Read the OP. It's OP's car because it's in her name and she pays all the bills. By contrast, they are sharing the bills for this car.

In any event, when he's been using OP's car without any obection from OP when he needed one, it's pretty arseholish to say she can't use "his".

JessicaJonesJacket · 06/09/2018 11:29

Curious her DH sounds like a spoilt brat! Grin
What I can't tell is whether his car is his one failing/obsession/prized possession or not.
If it is, I'd cut him a bit of slack.
But as I said, myself and DH have had cars that we've completely shared and others that we haven't. I don't have a problem with either.

TheSerenDipitY · 06/09/2018 11:29

we have 3 cars ( dont ask )
2 are the husbands and one is mine but all 3 are "our" cars, i can drive any of the 3 without asking or question as can he, often its a case of has the "manual Subaru" or the "auto Subaru" got heaps of petrol or has the Rover got more?? and take the one with the most... and the husband wouldn't care if it was a Bugatti or a Porsche i still wouldn't have to ask... and thats how it should be! OURS

chocatoo · 06/09/2018 11:30

He is behaving like a child. Tell him to grow up.

DarlingNikita · 06/09/2018 11:38

Er, no, obviously that's not normal. He's bullying and throwing his weight around.

KurriKurri · 06/09/2018 11:39

When people think cars are more important than how you treat other people, time to wonder whether that is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. He sounds hideously unpleasant.

Original poster
offtocornwall · 06/09/2018 11:46

Thanks folks..

Honest answer to some of the questions about my previous car 'accidents' . A white van scraped 'his' previous car a good few years ago. While the car was 'in my charge' This has always been rewritten in history as 'me reversing into someone' ... (I was in the house).
There are constant misogynistic 'digs' about my driving from him. Bearing in mind I drive a lot. Both to work and during work. I can't say what I do but I have completed the police response driving course and have cause to drive in a fast professional manner outside the norms of the Highway Code - and with numerous exemptions from the road traffic act. Without wanting to be say it - I am a far better driver than him. Even his children ask me to drive as his driving 'make us feel car sick'

I have never had cause to claim on my insurance for anything and have full no claims.

I think this is part of the problem. I think he can't cope with me being 'better' at driving. (He has written off at least 2 cars in accidents. ) and is desperate to 'score a point'.. which I have handed to him on a plate.

I think the thing that has made me most angry is the attitude described by Fattymcfaterson who has it spot on. What's mine is ours and what's his is his.

As for the actual handle... I have no sodding idea. I literally got out the car. Filled with fuel . Paid at pump and got back in. Pulled the door handle in the usual manner and it came off in my hand like some cheap but if tat. Not just un-clipped but sheared off from the door mechanism. I could not have done that if I tried.. intentionally.

That is why I am angry. It was either an accident or intentional. If the former then I am (and have said) sorry for breaking it. But ultimately there is nothing else I can say. Alternatively he thinks I did it deliberately. In which case he's an arse.

Phones me at work this morning to ask if 'we can stop fighting'? !!!
Seeing as i wasn't involved in this tantrum that put a material object ahead of his wife... I just said. 'I'm not the one behaving badly ' . What an arse.

OP posts:
Cliveybaby · 06/09/2018 11:46

Whaaattt??? not cool!
We have a similar situation, DP is driving a horrible dirty old car and I have just been given my gran's "old" but much nicer little car.
I let DP drive it no problem - I got 2 keys for it and immediately gave him one straight away (I also have the second key for his car).
He only has to say "I think I'll take your car to work next week..." etc.
My only precious moment was lecturing him about leaving rubbish in it, as his car is filthy and disgusting and I don't want my shiny new toy looking like that...

BackinTimeforTea · 06/09/2018 11:47

another one wondering about his redeeming features - this is horrible behaviour from him

Cliveybaby · 06/09/2018 11:47

cross-post...
he sounds like a dick sorry - misogynistic jokes about drivers??? seriously??

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 06/09/2018 11:47

He sounds awful. My ex-H bought a car for us to 'share' what he really meant was i could only use when he knew for certain he wouldn't use it. I used to work a 40 min bus ride away on a Saturday morning and i always had to get the bus because he hasn't decided if he was going to the gym or not...the gym was a 5 min bus ride but most weeks he never made it.

New DH insists i use his car if i'm driving long journeys because he thinks its safer and more comfortable.

RedneckStumpy · 06/09/2018 11:50

I don’t get the refusing to give you the keys?

We each have keys for both cars so take whichever without needing permission

DarlingNikita · 06/09/2018 11:53

I think he can't cope with me being 'better' at driving.

I think this is precisely it. He has a fragile little ego.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2018 11:53

I think if you consider it, there will be other examples of misogyny from this man. Because it sounds like misogyny is the problem - you are a woman, therefore you cannot be a better driver than him, your driving must be discredited, etc.

FreerOfIcefyre · 06/09/2018 11:53

Dh has been driving since he was 17, he had a crappy car for years all the way through to his twenties. We moved in together when we were 23 and he then bought a brand new car, as in brand new.

I drove it when it was 2 days old on L plates! That is how much he trusted me with the car. I was put on the insurance from the second it was ordered as a provisional driver. He took me out in it so I could get some practise in before my test.

Dh and I have been married for almost 20 years. We are on each other's insurance. We both have keys to each other's cars. Mine is the "family" car as I drive the children more. Mine was bought brand new. Dh's is over a decade old but a fantastic car and he loves it. He regularly drives my car. I trust him.

Your Dh's reaction is weird.

ProcrastinatingPingu · 06/09/2018 11:55

Didn’t I hear people are lobbying for misogyny to become a hate crime?

He best get himself under check. Wink

Ellie56 · 06/09/2018 11:59

Your DH sounds a twat and no this is not a normal way to behave.

And I'd take the car back to wherever you bought it from and complain about the door handle. You've only had the car a week (less than a week?) and it must have been faulty when you bought it. It's worth a try.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 06/09/2018 12:01

Your DH is a twatbadger...im sorry no other word for it

I have to say I'd be inclined to actually sit him down calmly and tell him his behaviour isn't ok...id try and keep it calm (my DP responds rather well to right of reply so to speak....let me say my piece without interrupting then by all means say your bit or rant etc but let me get my point out first type thing )

He might see it as one of those silly marital things but his besaviour is actually really disrespectful

Good luck OP I've always though preciousness over cars is ridiculous glad I'm not alone

nocoolnamesleft · 06/09/2018 12:03

He's totalled at least 2 cars? He shouldn't be trusted with the keys of any car.

His poor wee manliness is obviously threatened by you being clearly the better driver. Diddums.

Jeezoh · 06/09/2018 12:05

It’s not a normal reaction and I’d tell him if he couldn’t share a joint family asset, we’d be getting rid of it and paying for our own cars each out of our own money. He sounds like a petulant nob at the moment.

Tartyflette · 06/09/2018 12:05

I wonder if the door handle was already faulty/been misused before you got it, seeing as the car is three years old and out of warranty.
But Jesus, what an god-awful over-reaction on his part! Accidents happen!
We've had scrapes, dinges and fender benders on our cars over the years and absolutely do not blame whoever was driving at the time, it's just part of modern life. And pointless. But we just have cars, not 'his and hers' cars. (But I tend to drive the posh one Grin )
I'd take the car and handle back to the garage or dealers and ask them to take a look at it -- it could be a common problem they know all about, or, as I say, due to previous misuse over a period of time.
Are you paying for the car out of family money or joint income? You're clearly insured to drive it He's a complete arsehole. Tell him so.

Gabilan · 06/09/2018 12:06

Not just un-clipped but sheared off from the door mechanism. I could not have done that if I tried.. intentionally

That is why I am angry. It was either an accident or intentional. If the former then I am (and have said) sorry for breaking it. But ultimately there is nothing else I can say. Alternatively he thinks I did it deliberately. In which case he's an arse

Is he nasty/ spiteful/ strange enough to have sabotaged the car so that it would break? Then he could say "that time you broke the door handle" and use it as a way to ensure you don't drive "his" car. And yes, the root of his problem is that you are clearly the better driver and his ego cannot take this.

onedayiwillmissthis · 06/09/2018 12:07

He is an arse.

Perhaps point out to him that if he had checked the car over thoroughly before purchase he may have spotted the obviously damaged/cracked door handle and been able to negotiate a replacement😆

Am assuming he chose car not you.

Tartyflette · 06/09/2018 12:07

And get a second key for it.

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