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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For kind of enjoying the drama...

106 replies

lonelytrombone · 05/09/2018 22:32

Totally going to go down in flames for this.

So, my DH's mum has a partner. That partner has a son and said son has a gf.

We don't get involved with them much. We used to have a good relationship with his mum but this gf (let's call her Ariel from now on) has gone out of her way to hijack the "daughter in law" role.

Without wanting to dripfeed and because it's all super messy, I'll quite simply say this girl has the biggest copycat syndrome possible.

I could have brushed off the fact they just happened to have kids at the same time as us, and that if mil mentioned she was seeing dgc she would have an "emergency" every time - even showing up at my door in hysterics saying she was "about to die" (she had a migraine). There was even some raised eyebrows that shortly after I (foolishly) accepted her friend request on social media that my mil's calendar became filled with babysitting dates that just coincidentally lined up with my birthday, DH's birthday, our anniversary. I'd even say it was a pure chance that she decided to hold her child's birthday party on the same day as my child - despite their birthday being two months later.

Mil allowed all this so we've gone low contact with her. She's fanned the issue and not done enough to stop it. It's not worth the effort.

Ariel has recently decided after losing about 10 part-time jobs in a row to "do" what I do for a living. A career I've carefully crafted and been passionate about since I was 3. She said on a rare chance I got cornered by her in town "i thought what you do looked fun and easy so that's going to be my job now". Then tried to pinch contacts, pass my work off as my own etc

In all of this I've remained polite, I've remained calm, I've smiled and ignored - even when it's got to the brink of insanity. She's obviously not a well person and no matter how much I block her and avoid her, she turns back up more irritating than ever.

Just recently though it's become rather comical to me. So, because I obviously can't get rid of her, I'm just kind of enjoying the stupidity and spectacle of it all. Does this make me a bad person? There were a few sketchy bits where she started following and DMing people from my professional IG page (three accounts I've blocked now - three) and everything I post she does a copycat post almost straightaway after in a super gushing twee way.

She's not a nice person and DH's relationship with his mum is now at nil because of this person. My kids don't see their grandma. Surely it's ok to take a bit of sick pleasure from this persons catastrophic obsession with us? If I thought it was dangerous/stalker territory I'd report it but it seems like she's just a really odd, damaged person who seems to be jealous of our life.

Alright, give me my bashing. BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

OP posts:
diddl · 06/09/2018 08:44

If your husband never really got on with his mum & the gfriend had kids at the same time-how has your eldest got such a relationship with with her GM that she cries if she doesn't see her?

Obviously if they all turn up & the others bully her then it needs cutting back/stopping for her own sake.

I can see the humour in it, but does everyone else just sit back & laugh at someone who appears to need help?

Either way, protect yourself & your family frpom her/them!

Tinkobell · 06/09/2018 08:45

@trombone .....well keep thinking of stuff like that then. In the end she will probably declare it's a crappy business to be in, quit and latch onto someone or something else. To be fair, there's nothing illegal about what she's doing - you can't exclusively own an industry, birthday dates....all this stuff. You're best bet is to appear unfazed. Only you and your DP can appreciate the extent of what she's doing. Rather than struggle against her, feed her duff decoys and I'd think about quietly extending my business into a broader area.

CloudCaptain · 06/09/2018 08:54

This would drive me mad. If dh is not enamoured of his mum I would slowly cut down contact. Get eldest dd busy with new hobbies at the weekend. How old is she that she gets hysterical not seeing Mil?

lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 08:58

@diddl it's mainly because we tried to overlook things so she had a relationship with her grandma. My own dm is dead and mil was genuinely trying I think. This hasn't just happened overnight and so it's only now that we're trying to pull away it's got a bit more fraught.

She will almost certainly fail in this endeavour. I don't even mind that she wanted to try and get into my industry as it's a popular career choice (but notoriously difficult). I think I'm mainly just irked that she thought it was easy and she could just have a go. And then to try and get my help, then just flat out plagiarised has just irritated me more. It's a close industry and whilst I'm currently retaining a professionalism about it, a few choice words would probably go a long way. I think I'd only be lowering myself to her level though and I'm just hoping - much like every other job she's had - she'll declare it too hard, say she's been victimised and flounce off to become a neurosurgeon or fill frames with glitter and tat before long.

OP posts:
lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 09:00

@CloudCaptain 3 years old. She told me this morning

"Grandma gives me a happy face, you give me a sad face. I love grandma more because she buys me chocolate". SadAngry

OP posts:
CloudCaptain · 06/09/2018 09:07

Sounds like she may be being manipulated by grandma. I'd be cutting down on visits.

mostdays · 06/09/2018 09:14

I'd put money on your MIL stirring this more than you realise. I wonder if she's ever encouraged Ariel to try and get into your line of work?

lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 09:15

Yeah. I definitely see that now. So sad though Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 06/09/2018 09:16

"Sounds like she may be being manipulated by grandma"

Yup!

It's years since mine were 3, but "Grandma gives me a happy face, you give me a sad face."-can a 3yr old get to that without a push?

eddielizzard · 06/09/2018 09:20

Well I'd go as absolutely low contact as possible. If your dd wants to see her, tell her yes you'll arrange for her to see granny. And spin it out for a few days, then arrange it last minute and only go for an hour. Leave soon after Ariel arrives, and arrange it last minute so the likelihood of Ariel being able to drop everything is minimised.

No drama. No telling lies. Just grey rock and minimal info.

As for your MIL and FIL's relationship - nothing you can do about that really. Try to keep the drama out and let them all get on with it. Interfering will only have the opposite effect from what you're hoping to achieve.

If they ask you why they hardly see you anymore, sweetness and light: oh yes, working so hard! Wish we had more time to spend together! Toodles!

And that's it. Low drama. Low contact. Grey rock. She'll find it less and less worthwhile trying to engage you.

Juells · 06/09/2018 09:20

MissContrary

How does a 3 year old start to craft a career?

Not that odd. My interests fixed on a certain thing when I was about four, never wavered afterwards, and it's what I studied and worked at all my life.

I recognise so many aspects of this - for me the nutty encroaching person wasn't at a distance either, it was ex's GF and subsequently wife. I moved country to get away from the vaguely stalkerish behaviour - and the week after I emigrated her child appeared the primary school my children had just left, and when my children's friends asked why A's daddy was now collecting B it was claimed to be bullying orchestrated from abroad by my children, and she and her child became victims. There was constant bullying of my children, always presented as her or her child being bullied. The only way to deal with people like that is to get as far away as possible and cut all contact. I couldn't completely do that because of the children's relationship with their DF, but there's nothing tying you to her.

flapjackfairy · 06/09/2018 09:22

Ooh i would put the most ridiculous things out there for her to copy cat. Think posts about loving hideous clothes and furniture etc etc
What fun you could have .
On a serious note she must be a v unhappy person having to compete and control things all the time .

eddielizzard · 06/09/2018 09:22

I agree - granny has been feeding lines to your dd. I very much doubt she'd have thought that line up by herself, don't you think? So I wouldn't be leaving my DD with granny unsupervised if that's the kind of shit she's pulling. There is a reason your DH had a poor relationship with MIL.

gamerwidow · 06/09/2018 09:22

I think other posters are being unfair on the MIL we don’t know that she is stirring and it’s far more likely that she’s scared to make waves in case she loses contact with her grandkids.
The blame for this barmy behaviour rests with the SIL no one else.
I think you are doing the right thing OP in laughing this off. Don’t get involved in the sort of pettiness others have suggested it is really not worth your time and energy.
I would keep a note of things though in case it escalates to dangerous rather than annoying behaviour.

Smellyrose · 06/09/2018 09:26

It definitely sounds like your 3 year old is being manipulated - those are not the words of a child that age.

Juells · 06/09/2018 09:26

someone who appears to need help?

Who makes other's lives miserable.

montenuit · 06/09/2018 09:35

Give her plenty of crap ideas to tie herself up in knots.
But make sure you don't distract yourself from your work too much.
She'll soon give up/get bored.

Definitely agree with only last minute visits / plans and close down your facebook account / set up a new one with minimal friends and minimal info

Tinkobell · 06/09/2018 09:36

OP - you need to look at Cathy Tate's "I can Do that" on You Tube!! 😂

NCNCNC123 · 06/09/2018 09:41

Make sure you watermark any and all photos you have regarding your business that are in the public sphere. That way she can't just lift them.

InezGraves · 06/09/2018 09:59

OP, I can appreciate that her muscling in on you professionally is awful and she sounds deeply odd, but I think some of your original post is a bit batshit -- are you actually saying she deliberately had her children at the same time that you were having yours because she wanted to copy you? Could she and her partner not just have wanted a baby? It's not a wildly unusual thing to do. Hmm

And some of the 'rival daughter-in-law' stuff is down to your MIL's choices. You may well feel you should be THE DIL because your DH is your MIL's child, but your MIL is at liberty to choose to babysit her partner's family's children if and when she wants, surely. I mean, I can't imagine assuming that any family member was available to babysit for birthdays, anniversaries etc as a default mode, even if no 'rival' babysitting option was involved.

Juells · 06/09/2018 10:09

close down your facebook account

Just set it to private and don't accept any friend requests that might be her. If she's already on your facebook page put her on a list where she can't see your postings. Do the same with your MiL.

Eliza9917 · 06/09/2018 10:25

Gersemi Wed 05-Sep-18 23:36:47
I'd be tempted to play with this - e.g. tell her you're having a massive party, then when she arranges one the same day, tell her you've shifted the date - when she's rearranged hers, move the date again, etc etc.

I wouldn't be able to help myself. The possibilities are endless.

diddl · 06/09/2018 10:40

"Who makes other's lives miserable."

Does that mean that she doesn't need help?

eddielizzard · 06/09/2018 10:43

I don't think the OP is the person to be helping her though.

diddl · 06/09/2018 10:45

"I don't think the OP is the person to be helping her though."

I agree!

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