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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For kind of enjoying the drama...

106 replies

lonelytrombone · 05/09/2018 22:32

Totally going to go down in flames for this.

So, my DH's mum has a partner. That partner has a son and said son has a gf.

We don't get involved with them much. We used to have a good relationship with his mum but this gf (let's call her Ariel from now on) has gone out of her way to hijack the "daughter in law" role.

Without wanting to dripfeed and because it's all super messy, I'll quite simply say this girl has the biggest copycat syndrome possible.

I could have brushed off the fact they just happened to have kids at the same time as us, and that if mil mentioned she was seeing dgc she would have an "emergency" every time - even showing up at my door in hysterics saying she was "about to die" (she had a migraine). There was even some raised eyebrows that shortly after I (foolishly) accepted her friend request on social media that my mil's calendar became filled with babysitting dates that just coincidentally lined up with my birthday, DH's birthday, our anniversary. I'd even say it was a pure chance that she decided to hold her child's birthday party on the same day as my child - despite their birthday being two months later.

Mil allowed all this so we've gone low contact with her. She's fanned the issue and not done enough to stop it. It's not worth the effort.

Ariel has recently decided after losing about 10 part-time jobs in a row to "do" what I do for a living. A career I've carefully crafted and been passionate about since I was 3. She said on a rare chance I got cornered by her in town "i thought what you do looked fun and easy so that's going to be my job now". Then tried to pinch contacts, pass my work off as my own etc

In all of this I've remained polite, I've remained calm, I've smiled and ignored - even when it's got to the brink of insanity. She's obviously not a well person and no matter how much I block her and avoid her, she turns back up more irritating than ever.

Just recently though it's become rather comical to me. So, because I obviously can't get rid of her, I'm just kind of enjoying the stupidity and spectacle of it all. Does this make me a bad person? There were a few sketchy bits where she started following and DMing people from my professional IG page (three accounts I've blocked now - three) and everything I post she does a copycat post almost straightaway after in a super gushing twee way.

She's not a nice person and DH's relationship with his mum is now at nil because of this person. My kids don't see their grandma. Surely it's ok to take a bit of sick pleasure from this persons catastrophic obsession with us? If I thought it was dangerous/stalker territory I'd report it but it seems like she's just a really odd, damaged person who seems to be jealous of our life.

Alright, give me my bashing. BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

OP posts:
Stupomax · 06/09/2018 04:03

Ah it's fun having someone bonkers in your family and working out how much of a distance to keep. I have a couple of them, and between them they're the source of many stories I get to tell to horrified listeners.

It sounds like your career is stable enough that she can't harm it, and that she's not going to get anywhere other than be a bit annoying, so I wouldn't worry too much about her from that POV, and would even have a bit of fun sending her down the wrong tracks.

From a personal POV your best bet (from painful personal experience) really is to get as much distance as you can.

I can totally empathise with you saying that you're enjoying the drama inasmuch as 'what else can you do'?

alardi · 06/09/2018 04:31

I'd laugh & find ways to be amused by it all, too. yanbu

toomuchtooold · 06/09/2018 06:10

Be careful though. It doesn't just sound like stalking: it is stalking. You might want to read Gavin Dr Becker's The Gift of Fear - there's good advice there about how to disengage from a stalker without winding them up. I mean it sounds like you're doing the right things, just make yourself very boring and gradually less available to her, don't reward bad behaviour with attention or drama, that sort of thing.

I do know what you mean with enjoying watching the whole car crash. Specially when it's someone who has been making your life difficult in sort of subtle ways, it's satisfying to see them go off in one because you know you're not imagining things.

PeakedTooEarly · 06/09/2018 06:40

She's got you where she wants you though. You can't go 'grey rock' because of your job/career/business. Shize this would mess me up big time. I think I would play her and try and get her to self destruct. Well done for not feeling manipulated to hell. I know I would.

PussGirl · 06/09/2018 06:58

I think I'd be making a couple of fake profiles & using them to comment on her stuff not in a nice way

or to buy some of it & use it as an example as how not to do it to my clients - what to look out for etc etc

she sounds unhinged

Itsnotme123 · 06/09/2018 07:08

I’d tell her to grow up and get a life. Sneer at everything she does, tell her to go to hell and back off and die whilst she’s there !

SpiritedLondon · 06/09/2018 07:11

Is her partner very complicit with it all or is he just passive? It seems very strange to go along with having your child’s birthday party 2 months early - I would be questioning my partner if he was proposing that.

AlmaGeddon · 06/09/2018 07:15

What are the advised moves if she is a stalker? I would do what the police recommend without actually reporting her but in all honesty a warning from the police would be doing her a favour if she gave up and got a life.
Can you branch into other work which is less online.
I'd be feeling a bit wary of what she might do next.

ABBABABBA · 06/09/2018 07:19

You could always have some fun with her.

Make her believe on a personal and professional level you are planning several new ridiculous/outrageous things. Sit back and enjoy the entertainment even.

Make her the victim of her own stalking/actions.

Kintan · 06/09/2018 07:32

I think the only way to keep your sanity in this situation is to do as you are - looking at the situation with amusement. However I would be more pissed off with your MiL - ‘Ariel’ is clearly unhinged, but your MiL has allowed her relationship with her son and grandchildren to be irreparably damaged, which is very sad.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/09/2018 07:32

How does she find stuff out about you?.

If it's your mil I would go grey rock with her.

eddielizzard · 06/09/2018 07:35

What does your DH think in all this?

Kewqueue · 06/09/2018 07:41

I don't think you should underestimate the damage she could do . (And I really want to know what the work you do is!)

lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 07:47

DH gets very, very angry about it. He's quite happily go and shout her down but doesn't because I don't want him to make the situation worse (that's the kind of thing she feeds on - the permanent victim). He didn't have a great relationship with his mum anyway. It had got a lot better until she turned up. Her inclusion into the "family" so to speak was very rapid. Between meeting her bf and moving into mil's and being pregnant was about 2 months. Mil's partner and his son are somewhat spineless. They're all about flashing cash and having a smug existence. They look down on DH because of his blue collar job and refuse to believe that we have a good life because he's worked damned hard.

Mil infuriated me. She still has a relationship with our eldest to a degree and has her on occasion over to play (never makes much fuss of our youngest thoughAngry). She talks the talk, slates Ariel but has obviously been feeding into the whole thing. She used to see us on her own and regale us with tales of Ariel and family dramas, but after DH had a massive rant to her about it she won't be with us alone. If I don't allow eldest to see her eldest goes mad and hysterically missing her grandma. But whenever she does round they all end up turning up and she's been bitten and hit by Ariel's kids.

We're in the process of trying to lower the contact as much as possible with my mil but we're worried about the knock on effect to my fil. Financially she has a lot of swing still in their dealings (despite being separated for many, many years) and I would be distraught if she started throwing her weight around and causing issue for him when he's had nothing to do with the whole mess.

OP posts:
CocoRed · 06/09/2018 07:51

Also intrigued what your Dh thinks about it all op?
Think you’ve been very calm and taken a good approach to all this however I think that if she ramps this up any further and there’s a risk she will then you will need to take action.

stayathomer · 06/09/2018 07:59

What about your bil? Where's he on all of this? I think you're doing great OP. I wouldn't say try to beat her at it like some above, I think if you do it's going to have to end somewhere extreme. Hopefully she'll realise she can't make a career out of this. Best of luck

UniversalAunt · 06/09/2018 08:00

Are you working as a freelancer or consultant or as a company?

I wonder if you have legal recourse (e.g. on grounds of copyright, fraud) if she is passing your work off as hers?

lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 08:03

@UniversalAunt already threatened her with that and she played dumb and said "oh, I was just using it as an example" Hmm

OP posts:
beeefcake · 06/09/2018 08:06

Yeah I would be doing the same to be honest

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/09/2018 08:08

It's not your battle though, no ones thanking you for keeping the peace.

My mil plays us off against dh's sister, I always suspected but two years had it confirmed by another relative.

No idea why she does.

Tinkobell · 06/09/2018 08:23

I like the idea of derailing her. I'm sure you're far more sensitive to her impostering than any customers or third parties....they prob won't even notice. Here's some ideas:-

  • you're planning a massive international 'road show' for your work, a kind of working tour around Europe or further afield. Promises to be massively lucrative.
  • your planning a YouTube live demo of your skills.....professional cameraman, the lot.
  • qualifications are EVERYTHING tell her. Say you're upping your game and signing up for a course of continued professional development.

With this she'll either be a superstar or fall flat and possibly a bit broke! Tee Hee!

tinstar · 06/09/2018 08:25

Maybe you should keep a diary noting EVERYTHING with dates. Then if her behaviour worsens you have your evidence ready for the police.

Tinkobell · 06/09/2018 08:26

.....what about a nice tattoo. Tell her you're planning to get the name of your business emblazoned Across your back....so you become a sort of walking advert for your business? 😁

lonelytrombone · 06/09/2018 08:31

Haha oh @Tinkobell you are good. I did casually drop in on my social media about some super expensive kit I purchased for a particular project. A few days later she had dropped a load of credit (because she's not actually earning anything as far as I can see) on the much fancier versions of what I'd bought. I had to laugh though because I ended up returning it because it wasn't suitable. That's about £900 down. Haha

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 06/09/2018 08:38

Does she actually need to earn from her business or will she be bankrolled by the partner? I can’t imagine she will survive very long if she isn’t really qualified to do the job and is crap at it. Although I appreciate the rest of the behaviour is still out of order

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