To have a bridal party "shake up"?

[sirmione16]

So I got engaged in 2016 and my closest friends at the time were told who my bridesmaids would be, so it's been set since then and they all said yes etc...

However.. since that time my jobs changed, I've moved cities and generally my relationship with 2 out of the 5 has changed hugely - I spoke to one of them once in the last year, I don't think she's even aware I'm pregnant for example as she hasn't responded to my text (not unusual, she's rubbish on her phone) We've simply drifted, as you do in life.

I just can't help but feel if I were to choose now, I'd feel differently and not pick two of the five I originally did. I feel also like it will just be awkward in the close lead up to the wedding and the day... I've also now made a close friend over this year who I would probably choose too but I simply can't afford to add her in (this is fine, it's just a bit sad I feel I'd have her over one of the others) on the other hand, I'm finding it mind-bogglingly rude to be like "sorry you don't cut it anymore"

Please be sensitive, as this isn't cruel in any way - I'm not about to "axe" them, I'm not a bridezilla... in fact, right now I've not approached this as I think well you made your decisions, your fault for telling people so early on - deal with it. And I will.

I just want to hear some other opinions and what you'd do in this situation.. thanks in advance

So what do I do?

When is the wedding?

I think I would send a message to everyone - better still in person, but, if that isn't practical - to say that, in light of how life has got in the way of wedding planning, anything suggested back in 2016 probably won't happen now. Obviously things will be different now I'm pregnant, costs will have to be reined in, etc.,etc., so hope they will all understand that you won't be having 5 bridesmaids, flash car, {or whatever else you talked about back then}, and you hope they'll all understand that life has moved on a pace since then, but are looking forward to celebrating with them in a more low key way when the day comes.

If someone has asked me to be bridesmaid in 2016 and we’d barely spoken in the intervening two years I’d probably have forgotten they asked or be expecting an update. It’s quite a long engagement.

Are they still expecting to be bridesmaids if you’ve had no communication??

It doesnt really help you, but I ended up having a maid of honour that I felt I had to. We used to be best friends so it was assumed but it reality we have drifted in the past few years. The outcome was that she was pretty useless and there was definitely someone that i would have prefered to have. I dont think she would have been massively bothered about not doing it either. So it could be that your friend has already forgotten that you asked or is having the same thought as you and doesnt even want to do it anymore.

I think backforgood has the right idea. A group email explaining your current situation is in order. Stress that after the excitement of being swept a way with the initial arrangements, now you are pregnant, you are having to scale it back and hole they puck up on it. Factor in the distance between you all now and the cost factor for dressing fittings etc. You also don't know their situations. I would send an email and move forward discreetly from their response. Do not ask your 'new choice' until you know their first two are happy to be relieved of their duties without loosing their friendship.

Good luck OP. Keep us updated.

A friend of mine rang to excitedly tell me about her engagement and asked me to be a bridesmaid. Then the same thing happened - we drifted. In the end I only got an evening invite to the wedding! Which was fine but I do think she should have been upfront and honest with me and said look plans have changed and I hope you don't mind. I didn't mind, but I was annoyed by the fact that she never acknowledged the fact that she'd asked me to be a bridesmaid and then just ignored it.

So by all means speak to these girls, be honest and they'll probably be relieved. I would've felt awkward being bridesmaid at my friend's wedding if we had gone through with it when we'd hardly spoken for a year.

i think if you asked 5 and now are saying "plans changed, smaller event etc" people wound understand if you just had one MOH or just a flowergirl.

but they'd realise you were just making excuses if you then actually have 4 bridesmaids rather than original 5.

Agree with everyone about a message. However I hope you didn't tell people they were bridesmaids and you asked them. Also if you havent told your friend your pregnant that's maybe why she doesn't know. Unless your wedding is in the next 12 months I wouldn't ask anyone else as things might change again.

I think it's fine to scale back. What probably won't go down well is if you 'replace' some of the original bridesmaids with new friends.

Use the pregnancy as an excuse for scaling back. But you can't then just substitute your new mates for the old ones.

why do people have bridesmaids? all seems a bit childish really.

I've been asked to be a friends bridesmaid about 2 years ago, but like you we seem to have drifted apart slightly. I wouldn't be offended if this person said I wasn't to be bridesmaid I bloody hate weddings and all the rubbish that goes alongside them

If you've drifted and they live in different places if you offend them you'll not have to bump into them . Just be honest with them, say you feel it would be easier with people who live closer and that your plans have changed.

You can say that you are replanning and not having any bridal party, but you can't kick 3 people out of your wedding. That is so rude. You say you aren't wanting to axe them, but you are. These are friends, not jobs to fill. Your intention might not be to be cruel, but your actions are.

If money is an issue, just don't have anyone be in the bridal party. You can still get ready with your friends, you can still take photos with them. You just won't have them in matching dresses, which is really no big deal. Or else if you must have a bridal party, you can ask them all to wear a LBD they already own. There are lots of ways to save money.

At this point your only option is to live with your original choices or have no bridal party. Anything else is just plain mean, regardless of what your intentions are.

If I were in your shoes, I would cancel the bridal party, and then invite friends to get ready with you that you want. It will be the exact same thing that you want, but so much cheaper!

Have you actually set a wedding date? If not it’s all moot, surely.

When is the wedding op?

Zoe* it's HER wedding, she doesn't have to live with the choices or not have a bridal party, how overdramatic!

If I hadn't spoken to you in ages op I wouldn't expect to still be a bridesmaid. I honestly wouldn't worry about it, send the email explaining the situation, if the people you haven't spoken to for ages kick off then you know they weren't the right choice anyway. And enjoy your day!

Do you think that maybe on your wedding day you might want the security of being surrounded by friends that you go way back with, even if you have drifted recently?
I think if it was me I’d ask the new friend but also have a really honest chat with the old friends. Along the lines of ‘I love you and I’d still like you to be part of my day, is being a bridesmaid something that you’re going to enjoy or dread? Because I know we’ve not been as close as we used to be and I’d hate you to feel obligated.’. If they say yes, go with it, if they admit that they don’t want to that’s fine too!

Do people actually like being bridesmaids? Some may be relieved to being let off the hook. This isnt snarky by the way as I cant be the only person who would breathe a sigh of relief.

Why not see it as an opportunity to reconnect? Plan a low budget but fun hen night and if any of them feel less close to you they may decline then. But if they come you’ll remember why you asked them in the first place.

I did this, so I don't think you're unreasonable to consider it. Relationships change.

I originally had 6 bridesmaids and we had a long engagement, so my relationship with quite a few of them changed in that time.

I spoke to each of them one on one and explained the change, costs, different relationship etc.

I ended up just having my sister as a maid of honour and I was so pleased I did.

Tread carefully, and be honest but tactful and I think you'll be fine.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend, but during the planning we drifted apart and I just assumed I wasn't anymore. There were no hard feelings. I wouldn't have wanted to be such a significant part of her special day when we weren't as close anymore.

The wedding was cancelled a month before anyway.

I would probably go for the more honest route and email the drifting friend directly (and in private) that say you understand life is busy and you haven't spoken to them in a while, in the meantime things have moved on and you are pregnant and are scaling back the whole wedding to budget for the baby. I would actually not have as many bridesmaids and just two you really cherish. Tell the others they are still most welcome to the wedding and you would love to see them on your big day (leave them decide whether to come or not) End of. Given they are rubbish friends if they take offence so what? I would be as tactful and as kind as possible but ultimately this is your day and it needs to be right.

Depends how far down the line you are.
If the bridesmaids all have their outfits, they’ve all been involved in the planning stage/hen do/whatever else, then I think it’s too late.
If you are still at the level of making all of those preparations and in effect, nothing is set in stone, then reorganise.
You can chose to have less bridesmaids, different ones just like you could chose a different style of wedding because you are pregnant etc....

If someone asked me to be bridesmaid and I cared about them I'd do my damnedest to make sure we didn't drift apart tbh. It's not that hard.

One of my bridesmaids I hardly ever see or talk to these days, but I know we'll always be friends and when we do see each other we pick up where we left, more or less.

The key question is when is the wedding? If you've got a date and it's within a year then crack on and get it sorted, but if you haven't got a date or it is still some time away I wouldn't even waste brain space on it. I didn't ask anyone to be bridesmaid until I set a date. Then with five months to go one turned into a monumental dickhead so I sacked her. The three months before I decided to ask another long term friend (who has anxiety and I was worried wouldn't enjoy it, so I hadn't asked her originally).

'Use the pregnancy as an excuse for scaling back. But you can't then just substitute your new mates for the old ones.'

This.
And does anyone need five bridesmaids, anyway?