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Original poster

To have a bridal party "shake up"?

54 replies

sirmione16 · 05/09/2018 20:07

So I got engaged in 2016 and my closest friends at the time were told who my bridesmaids would be, so it's been set since then and they all said yes etc...

However.. since that time my jobs changed, I've moved cities and generally my relationship with 2 out of the 5 has changed hugely - I spoke to one of them once in the last year, I don't think she's even aware I'm pregnant for example as she hasn't responded to my text (not unusual, she's rubbish on her phone) We've simply drifted, as you do in life.

I just can't help but feel if I were to choose now, I'd feel differently and not pick two of the five I originally did. I feel also like it will just be awkward in the close lead up to the wedding and the day... I've also now made a close friend over this year who I would probably choose too but I simply can't afford to add her in (this is fine, it's just a bit sad I feel I'd have her over one of the others) on the other hand, I'm finding it mind-bogglingly rude to be like "sorry you don't cut it anymore" Confused

Please be sensitive, as this isn't cruel in any way - I'm not about to "axe" them, I'm not a bridezilla... in fact, right now I've not approached this as I think well you made your decisions, your fault for telling people so early on - deal with it. And I will.

I just want to hear some other opinions and what you'd do in this situation.. thanks in advance

So what do I do?

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 08:44

Well I am assuming you have not got a ate this year otherwise you would have sorted it by now so if its in 2019 that's at least 3 years since you got engaged. Seriously don't even give it headspace they have probably long forgotten. If you want to explain an email would be easy enough (especially if one is rubbish at answering texts). Just explain that due to the baby you will be scaling back the wedding.

On a side not I don't understand people who have such long engagements. You much be thoroughly bored of all the wedding prep by the time the day arrives.

Lalliella · 06/09/2018 09:02

Did you get engaged in Sirmione? Nice! —misses the point of the thread—

Lalliella · 06/09/2018 09:02

Strikethrough fail!

viques · 06/09/2018 09:06

Having five adult bridesmaids is very ott . Have a cute flower girl instead , preferably one belonging to a relative who will be automatically invited to the reception , think of it as giving you some wriggle room around five bridesmaids places at the reception, not to mention their plus 1s.

Justmuddlingalong · 06/09/2018 09:16

I think you're worrying over nothing. It's been a long engagement, you now have a baby on the way. Your wedding is important to you, to other people, not so much.

KingLooieCatz · 06/09/2018 09:24

If you got engaged in 2016 and haven't booked a venue and sent invitations yet, people might be starting to think it's never happening anyway, especially those that aren't in regular contact.

fattyboomboomboom · 06/09/2018 09:34

If you have any sisters I think you could just have them and say to people being pg plans have moved on and I've decided only to have my sister/s.

MarthasGinYard · 06/09/2018 09:37

How fickle

Why on earth do you need 5 bridesmaids

I'm guessing your friend of the moment in your current city won't last long when you move on

MarthasGinYard · 06/09/2018 09:38

'you got engaged in 2016 and haven't booked a venue and sent invitations yet, people might be starting to think it's never happening anyway, especially those that aren't in regular contact.'

And this

Original poster
sirmione16 · 06/09/2018 11:03

Thanks for all responses, nice to know others have been in the same boat and most replies on here have been fair and tactful

Venue is booked (and has been since last September) as have all the legalities of the wedding. Whole thing is pretty much arranged aside from buying bridesmaids/flower girl dresses and some decorations. All the "essentials" such as guest list, venue, food, bar, music, registrar.. sorted!

Wedding is planned for 20th July 2019 so still a way off! But with baby due to arrive January thought I better get everything sorted so less to worry about with a newborn! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 06/09/2018 11:04

Also someone asked about invites - save the dates have been sent only because it's in holiday season being July so family were starting to ask as booking holidays, but formal invitations haven't yet as is still a while off. Plus if I do "drop" these 2, I'll send them invites to the day as well

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 06/09/2018 11:06

@MarthasGinYard I'm not being fickle, and 2 of my bridesmaids are sisters... plus this includes my MOH.

I mentioned the moving cities as reason we simply don't cross paths any more as much - before it was easy to just meet up in a bar for drinks twice a week but now it's an hour or more drive so takes more planning/time/money that's all :)

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 06/09/2018 11:09

@Lalliella yes well spotted!!! He proposed after a meal out on a beautiful spot overlooking lake Garda with a violinist playing. I've actually a picture of the spot on a canvas in the house Grin he did well

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 11:09

save the dates have been sent only because it's in holiday season being July so family were starting to ask as booking holidays

Does this mean your family were booking holidays for summer 2019 when you got engaged in 2016 or did save the dates go out this summer?

Personally I wouldn't even offer a day invite to the Bridesmaids you want to drop, you're obviously not very close if you haven't spoke to her more than once in the last year. I think you need to face up to the fact she is no longer your friend.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 06/09/2018 11:10

@HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone yeah we sent them last month as people started mentioning :)

And that's a fair point, don't want it to come across as a sympathy vote I suppose /:

OP posts:
ProcrastinatingPingu · 06/09/2018 11:19

DH and I had a 4 year engagement in which we relocated, moved in together and saved up.

Some people who expected to come to the wedding dropped off the radar, despite me trying to stay in touch and initiating conversations, and they expressed that they were then upset and shocked they didn’t get an invite. Hmm

I explained to them on the phone that we weren’t close enough anymore, due to lack of communication on their part, so I didn’t think they wanted to come, and I didn’t feel it appropriate.
They understood and since then I’ve become closer to two of them and we talk regularly. The others agreed and we are more friends in passing now.
The ones I grew closer to didn’t end up coming to the wedding.

ArfArfBarf · 06/09/2018 11:28

I think asking and then changing your mind is really rude, sorry.

ThatFridayFeeling · 06/09/2018 11:59

I reckon the two you're no longer close to will get it. In fact, they be surprisingly understanding and be expecting it. Especially if there's been no bridesmaid talk with them since 2016!

There's the difficulty of replacing them rather than cutting down (if you claim it's a financial issue). Also, I'm not sure a friendship of only a year or two would cut it be a bridesmaid in my opinion, but I appreciate you feel close to them at this present moment and it's your wedding at the end of the day.

cantstopeating01 · 06/09/2018 12:17

I was asked to be a witness at a friends wedding . I was thrilled . No dates was given . We sort of drifted then as she left work but on a call to get one day I did say whatever happened to the wedding plans . She said actually they did get married as her partner had thyroid cancer so they just did low key . I didn't mind at all and just wished them the very best

MissusDave · 06/09/2018 15:15

I think you have every right to change your mind - it's your wedding and you deserve to celebrate it in your own way. I ended up changing my bridal party, and I think it's totally reasonable and doesn't make you a "Bridezilla". In my case it was a close family member who couldn't spare the time for dress fittings etc and so we had an honest conversation about it and agreed it would be easier for us both if she came as a guest. As far as I know she was totally fine with it, came to the wedding all smiles and of course still in photos and celebrated on the day! Do what feels right for you, it's about you and your fiancé and celebrating your love for each other. Everything else will (hopefully) fall into place Smile

Itsnotabingthingisit · 06/09/2018 16:58

I think your bridesmaids will be fine about it - remember, you are way more excited and interested in your wedding then anyone else is, even your bridesmaids. Sometimes that difficult for brides to comprehend but it's the truth.

Just let them know that your plans have changed and they are no longer needed for bridesmaid duties, but will receive an invite to the evening do.

ainsisoisje · 06/09/2018 18:20

Please go with whoever you'd prefer on your day. I was asked to be maid of honour and it became clear that it was done begrudgingly as some sort of favour as her oldest friend. We both probably enjoyed the experience far less as a result.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 06/09/2018 18:32

My friend asked me to be bridesmaid a couple of years ago. We have only only spoken once this year, only because she had to call me to give some sad news. I love her to pieces, I wish her all the happiness in life and we both know that if ever there was a situation in which we needed support we could still call each other up and talk about it, giving the support that was needed. But honestly, I doubt now I would be her bridesmaid, in fact I have doubts if I would be invited to her wedding due to budget. She will have closer friends now, as I have. I am positive she would prefer to accommodate them over me if it came down to budgeting and number.

It would be fine, no hard feelings. I would just want to see her pics as I am sure she would look beautiful.

OP, do what you have to do. If they were true friends they would be totally fine.

CoughLaughFart · 06/09/2018 19:09

I think a smaller bridal party is the obvious solution - but don’t ask your new friend. You can always explain to her why privately.

Notasunnybunny · 06/09/2018 22:54

Off point-At the risk of sounding old fashioned may I suggest you marry before January for legal reasons, despite it being the modern norm to have baby first then wedding there are still lots of legal reason to get this done before the baby comes. You don’t have to tell anyone you did it, you don’t need to wear a ring, you could go in jeans, but then should anything happen to either of you the remaining person and your child will be better protected. Then have a ‘wedding’ in July, no one will ever know.

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