Lazy? DH getting me down

[2Cats1Tot]

He works 5 days a week, I work 3. DD is in Yr 1 at school.

There are so many jobs that need doing around the house/garden but the minute he gets home (sometimes early afternoon), he just sits in front of the TV. Wants to 'relax' at weekends too! He does cook most nights (he enjoys it). Our toilet flush has been broken for nearly 3 years (still flushes but via a wire, not button), the felt on the shed gave up and blew off last year leaving a gap which lets rain in, the gutters need cleaning out as actual stuff growing in them and drain pipe blocked. I see our neighbours DH busy maintaining stuff like this and it really frustrates me. This is stuff he can do and I can't. I have tried asking if he could fix whatever it is and it's always 'it doesn't need doing right now does it!'. I have tried shaming him into doing it 'our neighbours haven't got a nice view out their conservatory of our messy shed roof have they..'. nothing seem to work. My Dad was always busy doing jobs around the house to fix or improve things. DH grew up in a housing association property so all that stuff has always been done for them. Could this be where it stems from? How can I get him off his ar5e, or AIBU???

"This is stuff he can do and I can't."
Is there none of that stuff you can do...? Could you maybe try and learn?
Not saying he wouldn't do my head in too but unless you've not mentioned something (disability perhaps) maybe have a go yourself?

I would learn to do it myself or pay someone to do it. Take control and see it in a different way. You cannot change him.

Assuming he pulls his weight in other ways, why is it up to him to sort these things out? If the things bothered you that much, frankly you'd have sorted them yourself by now

YANBU. My DH is very similar. I've been waiting 3 years for some painting to be finished in our new kitchen. Putting a kitchen roll holder up took 8 months and that was because I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it to him after asking many times. He bought some holders from Ikea, they sat on the side for so long I gave up and shoved them.in a cupboard as they clearly weren't going up.

My grandad was always doing DIY and maintaining the home. DH always said he would when we moved out of rented as no point else. Yeah, because that happened. Nothing ever ever gets done without me repeatedly asking about it. It does seriously piss me off because it's yet another thing that I need to think about rather than it being stuff he just does without being repeatedly asked to.

But this being MN rather than the real world, every one will tell you you should be doing it.

Do you mean that when splitting household tasks he's not keeping his end if the bargain?

If so, tell him. Then stop doing your half until he does his!

It's because he's lazy and he'd rather sit on his arse than contribute to your lives being nice together
It's up to you how long you put up with this

"But this being MN rather than the real world, every one will tell you you should be doing it."

Righto. How absolutely crazy of us to suggest a woman do some DIY.

@StereophonicallyChallenged has hit the nail on the head there I think.

I'm happy doing the DIY but probably wouldn't be so happy if DH didn't make up for lack of "handiness" by doing the cooking etc. instead.

Does he share the childcare? And he cooks every night? and works more days than you? if so i think you are being a bit harsh.
If maybe he doesnt share other chores with you then maybe you're right.
To me thats a mornings work on a weekend and problem solved

I do all the washing, washing up, sorting DD stuff for school, all school runs except 3 pick ups (which Grand Parents do), cleaning, bin emptying/putting out, decorating and food shops. I would like to replace shed felt but couldn't even lift a roll of the stuff in B & Q and I have no means of getting up there to clean gutters. Could borrow ladder from neighbour but am iffy with heights. I don't think I am doing womanhood a disservice in wanting him to want to sort these things out for us.

...or AIBU?

Pay someone instead. DH can be a bit lazy so I give him a deadline... if the X isn't fixed by Y, then I will be calling someone to do it. He hates paying even more than he hates DIY so it usually works. I'm also fairly adept at most challenges... my Dad taught me how to unblock a sink, wire a plug etc when I was a teenager.

I wouldn't put up with something going on for months let alone years.

And there is always the taking the fuse out of the TV plug trick... tell him it's on the shed roof .

YANBU to want him to do his share. Personally I would do the DIY and suggest he does his share in other ways like hoovering or cleaning the bathrooms or something. He can't use the argument that it doesn't need doing then. ( well not for very long anyway) he should be doing a proportional share which takes into account the fact that you have 2 days at home so you should be doing more but not everything. To be fair to him you have 6 or 7 hrs while your DD is at school on those days so I think it's fair that you do the majority.

No reason why women can't do DIY and if he's not interested he probably won't be very good at it anyway.

Me and DP have literally just felted the shed roof. But we did it together.

Maybe stop separating ‘his work’ and ‘her work’? Ask him if he needs a bit of help and offer to do it together. Similarly, ask him to help you more often. You’re allowed to say “I’m struggling with this, can we tackle it together.”

Get someone in to clean the gutters it's cheap enough plus it might spur him into action on some other stuff

You need a more even split of chores. He doesn't need to do the DIY ones if he can't/doesn't want to (either you do them or pay for them out of joint family money). But he does need to do more than just cook. Make a list of all the jobs that need doing and split them fairly (maybe you do 60% as you work fewer days). Make sure amount of effort/frequency is taken into account - don't let him choose to renew car insurance once a year in exchange for you washing dishes twice a day!

Just pay someone out of joint money to do these jobs. All guys are not great at DIY no more than all women can bake cakes. Just make sure he does other stuff which sounds like he does with cooking everyday.

Unless it’s a massive shed you only need a small roll which should be liftable - I have no DH and am perfect capable of mending a toilet flush and re-felting a shed roof, rather that than waiting years.

He never did it growing up so has no experience. It seems a bit unreasonable to just expect him to be mr diy. Some of it you can do - putting up a roll thing in the kitchen doesn’t sound like it takes muscle and you both sound equally unqualified to be experts at it. If it’s the lazy that gets to you that does need working on - try I’m putting up the rolls in the kitchen while you do washing. Or vice versa.

I don't get why all men are expected to do DIY. In the same way that some women are crap at ironing or just don't like it, men are allowed to be crap at DIY or not like it.
Both of you should be doing equal hours of work, whether in the home or outside the home. You should fill the hours when your kids are at school and he's at work with chores, as well as the hours when he's cooking. Whatever is left after that time gets done together, split or you jointly pay someone to do it.
Its not fair if you're at home all day doing nothing when the kids are at school for him to work all day, come home and cook and then spend the weekend doing DIY!

AspieHere genuine question, why can’t you finish the painting or put up a kitchen roll holder?
Yes, jobs should be shared and everyone should pull their weight. There’s absolutely no reason that simple jobs such as putting up a kitchen roll holder have to be done by a male though!

YNBU however I would just take control & either do it myself or pay someone to do it.

Pay someone, that’s what I have to do with the jobs DH commits to doing (ones he is experienced in and are his share) and doesn’t bother doing. Although we have only been able to afford that in the last few months. Also, it isn’t easy to find someone to do the big jobs sometimes, never mind the little annoying ones. I feel your pain, OP.