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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lazy? DH getting me down

55 replies

2Cats1Tot · 05/09/2018 15:49

He works 5 days a week, I work 3. DD is in Yr 1 at school.

There are so many jobs that need doing around the house/garden but the minute he gets home (sometimes early afternoon), he just sits in front of the TV. Wants to 'relax' at weekends too! He does cook most nights (he enjoys it). Our toilet flush has been broken for nearly 3 years (still flushes but via a wire, not button), the felt on the shed gave up and blew off last year leaving a gap which lets rain in, the gutters need cleaning out as actual stuff growing in them and drain pipe blocked. I see our neighbours DH busy maintaining stuff like this and it really frustrates me. This is stuff he can do and I can't. I have tried asking if he could fix whatever it is and it's always 'it doesn't need doing right now does it!'. I have tried shaming him into doing it 'our neighbours haven't got a nice view out their conservatory of our messy shed roof have they..'. nothing seem to work. My Dad was always busy doing jobs around the house to fix or improve things. DH grew up in a housing association property so all that stuff has always been done for them. Could this be where it stems from? How can I get him off his ar5e, or AIBU???

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 05/09/2018 18:01

I think I would try and learn to do some of these jobs OP.

BUT I Certainly wouldn’t be doing them whilst he sits on his arse. If you’re going on the shed roof he can start ironing.

Daisymay2 · 05/09/2018 18:05

Ages and ages ago, I bought a copy of "101 things you don't need a man for. " by Alison Jenkins. It seemed to stir DH up a bit as he was shocked that I would have a go at stuff he did not do. In his case no excuse- his dad had trained as a carpenter and then became a painter and decorator. (But MIL always complained about the cobbler's shoes effect)
There is a second book called 101 more things etc .Also there is a Haynes DIY book as well
I am looking for someone to do the stairs , hall and landing at the moment.

Ploppymoodypants · 05/09/2018 18:08

Learn to do it yourself. Barring a disability there is is reason you cent. He can do thhave childcare while you do it. Additionally next time he asks for a button sewn on something or where all his clean socks are, just say you are not doing that now. Maybe he hates diy and would rather do something else.
Not saying it wouldn’t do my head in too, but there is more than one way to take control and organise things. Certain jobs are not for DHs

Singlenotsingle · 05/09/2018 18:10

Oh get someone in to do it ffs! Your DH does the job he's trained to do. Someone else does gutter clearing, toilet mending, shed repairing - AND you'd be giving a bit of work to some other poor soul who needs it.

RabbitsAreTasty · 05/09/2018 18:11

Either do it yourself or get someone in.

Not fair that he just doesn't do his share of the jobs though. Hand some other jobs back to him instead. Or does he not believe in men doing women's work?

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 05/09/2018 18:19

I have tried shaming him into doing it 'our neighbours haven't got a nice view out their conservatory of our messy shed roof have they..'. nothing seem to work

Comparisons / keeping up with the Joneses will never end well. If you can't/won't do these household jobs and he can't/won't, you're probably better to pay someone to do it.

Alternatively, you could have a go at doing it yourself, spend all day on it, so that no other tasks get done, make a total hash out of it so that it looks terrible, and see if that gets your DH on the case

Whatsnewwithyou · 05/09/2018 18:48

I do all the diy in our house as my DH grew up in a manse owned by the church and everything was done for him/his family. He has poor spatial skills and is absolutely inept at DIY. He does most of the cleaning, though. All power tools etc that we own are mine. It would do my head in to have to wait years for something to be fixed!

eosmum · 05/09/2018 18:56

This is my house too. I want to learn but where? How do I know what drill bit and screws to use to put a shelf up, or drill tiles? I got a book from the library but it didn't help.

cestlavielife · 05/09/2018 18:59

You tube has videos for everything
Do it or pay someone to do the jobs

AlmaGeddon · 05/09/2018 18:59

If he sits watching tv Whilst you are busy that is not on. Climbing ladders to clean gutters is a bit iffy for anyone unless it is s bungalow, and still can be dangerous.

SendintheArdwolves · 05/09/2018 19:05

I want to learn but where? How do I know what drill bit and screws to use to put a shelf up, or drill tiles? I got a book from the library but it didn't help

If the book wasn't helpful, what about a YouTube video? There are loads that will walk you through from absolute basics. Or ask a handy friend or relative to show you (in return for wine/dinner etc) and make sure it's you who actually does the task (not just watch how it's done).

Start small, with a specific task - build your confidence and you will soon find that things which felt like "I don't know where to start" begin to seem straightforward.

(As an aside, there are some things you need a pro for - anything electrical or gas related)

eosmum · 05/09/2018 19:08

@SendintheArdwolves and cestlavielife thanks. I'll look for some youtube tutorials.

Ploppymoodypants · 05/09/2018 19:22

Oh yes YouTube has a tutorial on everything. I have learnt loads of new practical skills on YouTube and also how to program the TV etc. It’s fab

SoyDora · 05/09/2018 19:22

Anything I need to do, I look it up on YouTube. I figured DH wasn’t born with the innate knowledge of how to put a shelf up (and he certainly wasn’t taught by his parents) so there’s no reason he’s more able to do it than me.

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2018 20:15

How do I know what drill bit and screws to use to put a shelf up, or drill tiles? I got a book from the library but it didn't help.
Why do you expect him to know this? If he can learn it you can. YouTube.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/09/2018 20:19

Frankly, yes, you are doing a disservice to womankind (and yourself) by not learning to do this. It's not rocket science - and I say this as a dyspraxic woman who would much, much prefer to leave most DIY to someone else. But I don't, because I know I ought to learn. What happens if, god forbid, he drops dead tomorrow (or in three decades' time)? You can't always be helpless.

But, yes, he does sound lazy as well. He ought to learn the things you do and do more of them.

SendintheArdwolves · 05/09/2018 20:21

Frankly, yes, you are doing a disservice to womankind (and yourself) by not learning to do this

Steady on Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2018 20:22

3 years with a toilet that doesn’t flush properly? How much would that cost a plumber or handyman to fix, if you don’t have having a go yourself? Pennies a day over 36+ months. Call someone tomorrow and get it done.

topcat2014 · 05/09/2018 20:26

I hate DIY, so we pay to get stuff done..

I don't try to service my own car either, it's been a while since 1950s.

I am still a little envious of others with these skills, but honestly would rather poke myself in the eye with a stick.

topcat2014 · 05/09/2018 20:27

DW, on the other had, does possess the only tools in the house :)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/09/2018 20:29

send, I was echoing her, I didn't come out with that phrase off my own bat! Grin

Frustratedboarder · 05/09/2018 20:31

I think you might be being a little Unreasonable yes tbh! Grin I do all the DIY in our house (i love finding solutions/fixing stuff, and tbh DP is crap at it) and frankly it annoys the Crap out of me when women assume all men are born knowing how to do this shit (& in fact have any inclination)) in the same way men assume women are born knowing how to change nappies, feed baby, etc. When our DC were born I was Bloody clueless but found out through trial and error and perseverance although it nearly killed me and I would've been waaay happier with putting together a couple of flat-packs and mowing the lawn, truth be told .... You could Absolutely do the same!

Plus you Do have more time than him.... Wink

DrWhy · 05/09/2018 20:36

So, point one is that he needs to pull his weight, which means you have equal downtime. However, it doesn’t mean that he had to do the DIY while you are washing and ironing. It sounds like neither of you know where to start with these jobs.
I learned basic DIY by watching/helping Dad with them. When I renovated my first flat some things I asked my parents to tell or show me (I remember FaceTiming my Dad to ask whether the water from the radiator should be that black!) and I also bought a big yellow book of DIY, which had lots of basics in it. Things I couldn’t physically manage myself I either roped in a friend (or friends bf!) to help with or paid a pro to do it. Since my dad died I resort to YouTube videos.
Since I moved in with DH he’s taken over most of the DIY as he enjoys it. I am vaguely resentful that he’s taken over my toolbox though and I’m washing his socks instead! And if he doesn’t get started on something I’d like him to do I give him the choice of looking after DS while I do it! He does tackle some jobs I’d pay a pro to do but that’s his call.
In your situation I’d do the kitchen roll holder while the kids are at school, it will literally take 15 minutes max and the felt for the shed roof I’d try to find a handyman to do if I couldn’t lift it, if it’s only small I’d do it myself, the wood underneath may now be rotting though and need replacing anyway.

ShatteredTattered · 05/09/2018 20:59

the minute he gets home (sometimes early afternoon), he just sits in front of the TV and the same at weekends.

well he could be relaxed or just lazy as you say and expect you to do it all. why posters are telling you to crack on with some DIY as some kind of feminist statement shows their own gullibility (yes, I'm so feminist I do everything!)

still, its hard from your OP to know exactly how extreme his laziness is - you say he does the cooking every night?

i think OP gone though

ShatteredTattered · 05/09/2018 21:01

oh, i see, its most nights, not every night.

you do everything else. thats quite a lot, especially as you work 3 days too.