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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I can't win in this scenario

73 replies

Movin · 05/09/2018 08:46

It's my birthday coming up, have taken some time off under the provision that DH and I would go away for a few days. I'm exhausted and really need it, not had a break since Christmas. Neither has he. We are both tired so have been bickering. DH messaged me today, saying I can't afford to send DSC to sports camp and to take you away, so they'll need to come too, or they'll be left out. It would mean taking DC out of school on a non access week for us. (They would never know we've been away) My idea of a restful/romantic few days away is now something different entirely more laser lag, burgers and pitch and put. I feel terrible for saying I'd prefer to go with just DH. I get on great with DSC, but I just want some adult time. We have another centre parks style weekend with DSC booked for before Christmas plus a big overseas holiday with DSC booked for Christmas. Is this too much to ask .....

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 05/09/2018 08:49

No, stand your ground. Talk about it tonight, in person and stick up for yourself. Point out all their other holidays and emphasise your need for a rest.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/09/2018 08:50

I don’t think you are BU to be disappointed about the nature of your birthday trip being changed.

What has happened between this trip being planned and now to make the budgeting a problem?

I don’t understand why your own DC will need to be taken out of school. Who was going to look after them?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/09/2018 08:50

Oh sorry have I been thick and the DC/DSC are the same kids?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2018 08:51

I don’t understand why he needs childcare If a non access week

But no, YANBU

Original poster
Movin · 05/09/2018 08:53

Yes apologies step child

OP posts:
jjemimapuddleduck · 05/09/2018 08:53

I'm not in a step family, but this is not unreasonable at all! What significance has the sports camp -is it financially he can't do both rather than the dates clash? If so, can you help with a contribution? I know you shouldn't have to, but it sounds like he can't afford to do both and is prioritising his DC.

44PumpLane · 05/09/2018 08:56

YANBU- adults are still allowed to have some time to themselves regardless of having children or step children.

It seems like you have plans for nice holidays with your DSC in place and this was to be an extra for just the two of you, some adult time. It’s your birthday, put your foot down or go away with a girl pal if you can instead!

Original poster
Movin · 05/09/2018 09:01

Nothing has happened financially, I saw the camp online and asked DH if he wanted to take DSC to it as they would enjoy it. This hasn't been mentioned to DSC yet. I could help, but it's expensive and I'm currently trying to be cautious with money due to big holiday ahead.

OP posts:
LOLerskates · 05/09/2018 09:17

Yanbu, you need a break, and looking after kids is not a break, it’s just different work.

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 09:20

I'm sorry you disappointed and quite understand how you want to go away to recharge your batteries without your children.

Please both of you try to afford the sports camp. If you really can't I suppose you'll have no choice but I do wish your husband had realised you couldn't afford it before getting your hopes up.

MaryBoBary · 05/09/2018 09:35

It depends how high your standards are for your birthday break. Can you look for somewhere nice but not too expensive and cut some cost there?

Rednaxela · 05/09/2018 09:41

I don't understand at all. Why would DC or DSC or anyone come with you and DH on a coupley time out type break?

Just tell DH you really want to spend some grown up time being with him as adults rather than parents. It is not unreasonable! In my opinion expecting a marriage to survive without any 1 to 1 quality time is plain daft. Quality time is vital to refresh and reconnect as a couple.

Magicstar1 · 05/09/2018 09:47

So he wants to change your weekend because he can't afford to send DC to a camp they don't even know about? That's ridiculous. There are enough trips coming up for them...just don't even mention the camp to them.

Spudina · 05/09/2018 09:47

I'd be really disappointed too. I hope you find a solution. I guess you might have to help this time if you want your big holiday and a birthday break too? If it's not been mentioned to the DSC yet it seems fairer to me that your birthday is prioritised over the children's sports thing. Like you say, they have holidays coming up. You clearly need the break. You can't fill from an empty tank (or whatever the saying is!!)

Original poster
Movin · 05/09/2018 09:51

He has terrible guilt regarding DSC, he pays lots of support private school etc, but ex still struggles. He feels guilty not to involve DSC in everything, as our lifestyle is very different. But this even filters down to every time we have DSC, they stay up late etc. He doesn't want DSC not to be doing anything in the holidays (not uk based) but I guess he's just crunched the numbers and can't make it all work.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 10:05

YANBU OP.

I'd respond with DSC is definitely NOT coming and if he can't wrap his head around that then neither is he.

You deserve this break. He needs to get over his guilt and realise that ALL parents do stuff without their kids. It's normal and healthy.

blueskiespls · 05/09/2018 10:11

I have children (that don't belong to my DP) and we do try and get away on our own when the DC are at their dads. And actually I don't hide the fact as I don't think we should! They are only 6 and 9 but they get enough family time that the odd weekend away without them isn't an issue. I don't think you are BU at all especially as it's a birthday thing.

If you explain how you feel so you think he'd understand?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 05/09/2018 10:14

Remind him he is entitled to be a partner as well as a df.
He is being ridiculous imo.

Feefeetrixabelle · 05/09/2018 10:19

Why can’t they do the sports camp next year? Or given you’ve got a number of holidays booked why not have a staycation so just the two of you at home

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:19

I’m a bit confused.

If your break away is on a non-access week then why does it affect paying for sports club for them? Is he suggesting taking DC on holiday to make up for not paying for sports clubs?

cmlover · 05/09/2018 10:26

Ynbu

your allowed to gonawaybwith out them, they have holidays coming up.

if he won't budge id offer to help pay for the sports camp

or console where cheaper just you and him

CoughLaughFart · 05/09/2018 10:38

Please both of you try to afford the sports camp.

Either they can or they can’t. How can they ‘try’ to afford it?

PinkHeart5914 · 05/09/2018 10:40

Well surely your both be paying for this break away? It’s not only dh funding it surely. So there must be a way of stretching to both? Must be somewhere you could go for a fair price?

It’s not access time and it’s Importnat to spend time together as a couple (when this doesn’t happen is when many marriages fall apart imo) but you can’t blame the man for putting his dc first really I certainly don’t think his ridiculous

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 10:42

The child is going on Two nice holidays this year.

He or she does not even know about the existence of the sports camp.

They will survive without attending the sports camp.

AspieHere · 05/09/2018 10:43

YANBU. I would go on the original trip or not at all. You are entitled to a break and to celebrate your birthday how you want.

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