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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I can't win in this scenario

73 replies

Movin · 05/09/2018 08:46

It's my birthday coming up, have taken some time off under the provision that DH and I would go away for a few days. I'm exhausted and really need it, not had a break since Christmas. Neither has he. We are both tired so have been bickering. DH messaged me today, saying I can't afford to send DSC to sports camp and to take you away, so they'll need to come too, or they'll be left out. It would mean taking DC out of school on a non access week for us. (They would never know we've been away) My idea of a restful/romantic few days away is now something different entirely more laser lag, burgers and pitch and put. I feel terrible for saying I'd prefer to go with just DH. I get on great with DSC, but I just want some adult time. We have another centre parks style weekend with DSC booked for before Christmas plus a big overseas holiday with DSC booked for Christmas. Is this too much to ask .....

OP posts:

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:45

We have another centre parks style weekend with DSC booked for before Christmas plus a big overseas holiday with DSC booked for Christmas.

I think this^ as well as the fact they don’t even know the sports camp was on the cards means it’s absolutely fine not to take them with you. They’re getting two holidays in the next 4 months!

cmlover · 05/09/2018 10:47

he needs to put his wife first this time.

the children have 2 holidays planned with them. it's not in his excess time so they are not losing out what's so ever.

children do come first, but that doesn't mean you can't put your marriage first once all needs and wants have been met with children.

notheretoargue · 05/09/2018 10:49

Won’t it be more expensive to take dsc with you anyway? Why not book a cheaper break for you two? It’s ridiculous to take the child out of school. Really irresponsible and terrible parenting. If i was his ex I would be furious that he was considering disrupting school for a holiday.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 05/09/2018 10:53

YANBU

Your DSC have other holiday plans coming up in the next few months. When was the last time you and DH went away on your own?

Tell DH that every couple needs quality time without children. It doesn’t make you selfish or bad to want to spend time alone with your partner. It will be far more harmful to the SC if you drift further apart and split up.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:55

I totally missed the taking them out of school part!

Surely he will get fined if he does?? Making it super expensive?

MulticolourMophead · 05/09/2018 11:01

They don't know about this camp, it's also a non access week, so guessing no childcare issues for you. Plus they have two holidays coming up in s shortish space of time.

Forget the camp, don't take the DCs out if school, and the pair of you go away as a couple.

serbska · 05/09/2018 11:02

He is being daft.

It isn't his access week.
It is term time.
They didn't even know about the sports camp.
They have 2 other hols coming up.

I would either say the holiday plan stands as it was, or you're staying home alone to relax. You don't feel up for a family holiday and you need to priorities 'me' time,

spottybetty · 05/09/2018 11:10

Don't take them out of school!

You're already planning two holidays with them, they don't need to come on this one too.

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 11:13

This is insanity. Why on earth would he take them out of school - particularly one he is already paying expensive fees for? What children's sports camps even run during termtime? And if they're having two expensive holidays before the end of the year, they categorically do not need a third one. Surely it would be better to leave the sports camp as a treat for the Easter or Summer holidays?

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 11:15

Sorry, I've just worked out that he's not proposing that they go on the sports camp immediately, but that they come on the holiday with you. So that is potentially four holidays for them, on top of any holidays they've had with their mother. It's still total insanity.

sexnotgender · 05/09/2018 11:19

He’s being ridiculous and unreasonable.

DarlingNikita · 05/09/2018 11:24

YANBU. You and DH need some time on your own. You can't worry about or legislate for children/stepchildren being 'left out' of everything you and another adult want to do without them. That way madness lies.

I'd honestly tell DH that you desperately need a break without children; you obviously very much want it to be spent with him, but if it comes down to it you will take yourself off for your birthday on your own.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/09/2018 11:31

How silly he is to worry over his DC not getting to go to a camp they don't even know about! You need to be clear you want a couple break away for your birthday. As it is your birthday treat surely your wishes takes precedence?

EdisonLightBulb · 05/09/2018 11:31

What am I missing? the child is in school and presumably either living with or has the option of living with his mum for the days you are away. The sport camp, the said child knows nothing about is irrelevant, he doesn't go to it as he is already going on other holidays soon.

Put your foot down, Dh is being an arse.

YourHandInMyHand · 05/09/2018 11:33

This is just daft. They should be with their mum that week and they should be in school. They have 2 lovely child friendly breaks away with you both in the next six months. AND they don't even know about the sports camp!

YANBU. Plus it sounds like you both really could do with the break to just be a couple and relax.

If he doesn't stick to the original plan then in your shoes I'd book myself alone into a lovely spa break or something and leave him to his burgers and kids activities!

Original poster

Movin · 05/09/2018 11:37

Ok feel better, I was beginning to think I was wicked step mother. DH and i last had a holiday - just the 2 of us 18 months ago. (We've had a couple of nights aware, but nothing major) It wouldn't make the time more expensive as room options would allow for 2 double/queen beds or a roll out. Which would kill the chance of romance. Foot well and truely down on this one ladies - thanks for your support !

OP posts:

Original poster

Movin · 05/09/2018 11:39

To be clear, I think it more a case DH doesn't want them to back after the holidays having not had some type of a holiday and that's what the camp would be. We would take them out of school just before school breaks up to take them on this trip.

OP posts:

HiHoToffee · 05/09/2018 11:39

I don't understand his thinking at all. You suggested a sports camp dsc might like, he looked into it but can't afford it because of your birthday trip and therefore the kids have to go on the trip with you? Why? The sports camp was a nice idea, but just that, an idea. The kids will not be missing out on anything and are in school when you 2 go away. It is just weird.

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 11:40

Despite the room option, having two more people to feed will inevitably make the holiday more expensive, to say nothing of tickets for extra activities and outings. And wouldn't the hotel charge more for having extra people in the room?

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 11:44

To be clear, I think it more a case DH doesn't want them to back after the holidays having not had some type of a holiday and that's what the camp would be

I don't understand. You weren't aware of this camp until very recently, so surely they are going back to school without having had this holiday anyway? Or do schools go back later there? If he was that concerned about them having a holiday during the current break, why has he done nothing about it up till now?

And surely the fact that they have two wonderful holidays to look forward to is more than enough?

CantGetDecentNickname · 05/09/2018 11:46

*He is being daft.

It isn't his access week.
It is term time.
They didn't even know about the sports camp.
They have 2 other hols coming up.

I would either say the holiday plan stands as it was, or you're staying home alone to relax. You don't feel up for a family holiday and you need to priorities 'me' time,*

This.

It is your birthday so should be for you doing something you want to do (not child orientated) and if you want a break without children then term-time seems ideal. If he can't afford it, then you should go somewhere by yourself (friends/family if can't manage a hotel). You do need to stand firm on this.

HiHoToffee · 05/09/2018 11:49

So it is a case of keeping up with the Joneses? Sorry but that is ridiculous.

livefornaps · 05/09/2018 11:51

Wtf.

This bodes badly for the future if you don't tell him where to get off right now.

Tell him if he wants to pay the fines(!) for hoiking his kids out of school to play Disney dad then fine but in that case you will be going away alone.

Don't get drawn into this tomfoolery. This man does not sound sensible.

thenightsky · 05/09/2018 12:05

I'd be booking somewhere for myself alone or with a good female friend for my birthday and just leaving him and his entourage out.

Eliza9917 · 05/09/2018 12:12

So he can't afford to send the kid to camp during their school holiday so he wants to take them out of school so they can come on your holiday, despite having 2 holidays in place for the rest of this year already?

How much childcare falls to you OP? Would you spend your whole holiday running around after the kid?

Yeah fuck that. I'd be telling him I want my adult only holiday and if he insists the kid has to come, go with a friend instead.

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