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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I can't win in this scenario

73 replies

Movin · 05/09/2018 08:46

It's my birthday coming up, have taken some time off under the provision that DH and I would go away for a few days. I'm exhausted and really need it, not had a break since Christmas. Neither has he. We are both tired so have been bickering. DH messaged me today, saying I can't afford to send DSC to sports camp and to take you away, so they'll need to come too, or they'll be left out. It would mean taking DC out of school on a non access week for us. (They would never know we've been away) My idea of a restful/romantic few days away is now something different entirely more laser lag, burgers and pitch and put. I feel terrible for saying I'd prefer to go with just DH. I get on great with DSC, but I just want some adult time. We have another centre parks style weekend with DSC booked for before Christmas plus a big overseas holiday with DSC booked for Christmas. Is this too much to ask .....

OP posts:

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 05/09/2018 12:22

This man doesn't sound like he's emotionally ready to be in a romantic relationship if he can't understand that his partner has their own needs and isn't just there to fill the mother-shaped space left by his ex when they split up.

Good for you for intending to put your foot down OP, if he refuses to let you have some couple time when even though it's not at the expense of his DC then I would seriously rethink your relationship.

Orchiddingme · 05/09/2018 12:24

I don't quite get this- why would they be taken out of school when it's not your access week. You don't even have them that week.

I don't get where the sports camp then fits in.

Of course it's fine for the two of you to nip off and have a holiday when the children are in school and it's not your access week! It would be extremely annoying if he removed them from school for that.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/09/2018 12:25

So this sports camp isn't even something the children have been asking for, it's something you just happened to see and mention? And they would be at school anyway?

He's ridiculous. Say no.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2018 12:31

He feels guilty not to involve DSC in everything, as our lifestyle is very different

Personally I'd be very worried about inviting manipulation from the step DCs. Admittedly you've not said they're demanding but I'd be careful all the same

As PPs have said, they're already getting two holidays within 4 months - one of them pretty big from the sounds of it - and don't even know about the sports camp. It's wonderful to help them but there's also no reason at all for you not to have a well earned break by yourselves

Enjoy

Jux · 05/09/2018 12:47

Go away with a friend instead? At least suggest it to him as a last resort, see his reaction.

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2018 12:50

I’d say I need a child free break, I will go on my own if I have to, but tell him that doesn’t say great things about our marriage. I’d also be clear that the dc are a non issue he is imagining into one, they have two great holidays lined up.

happinessiseggshaped · 05/09/2018 12:57

How long since he split up with their mother? Sounds like he is still at the stage of constantly buying things for the kids to try and make them and he feel better. Surely he should be over that by now if he has remarried.

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 13:02

He was apparently happy for you to go on the holiday on your own without the children having a third holiday till he found out about the sports break. Then suddenly because he's heard about that but can't afford it, they have to have a third holiday? I just don't get it.

Original poster

Movin · 05/09/2018 20:45

He's been split from DC's mother for 10/11 years. Married to me for 4. We don't live in the UK so have our spring holiday coming up - the sports camp would be during that. I think he's worried that someone will say something about us going away in front of DH the day before we go, have a big gathering with friends and DSC will feel left out. He was too busy last night to talk about it.......

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 05/09/2018 20:54

If your DH doesn't put you first this time then go on your own. When you get home you can put him out. This is too much. YADNBU!

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 21:08

Then he tells the children that they have holidays and that sometimes married grown ups who work hard like to do fun stuff with just each other without children.

Original poster

Movin · 05/09/2018 22:25

He doesn't feel like he can do that - because DSC has a unstable life with their mum. Doesn't want them to feel unwanted like he did growing up.

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 23:06

That is not feeling unloved.

That's realising that the whole entire world doesn't revolve around them and that as an adult adults like time without needy kids.

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2018 23:08

Overcompensating for his childhood won’t do the dc any favours. If they are shown they are loved continuously by your dh, then they will know.

Gersemi · 06/09/2018 08:04

Seriously, having two holidays within four months is not an indication that a child is unwanted. It doesn't require them to have a third.

Butterymuffin · 06/09/2018 09:08

Overcompensating for his childhood won’t do the dc any favours. If they are shown they are loved continuously by your dh, then they will know.

This! Dragging them along on one trip won't make a crucial difference to them. But it might to you.

Original poster

Movin · 08/09/2018 07:54

Romantic trip for 2 booked - very happy

OP posts:

easyandy101 · 08/09/2018 08:01

If it genuinely can't be afforded without impact to all your well being then you are being totally unreasonable, sorry

If it would become possible by you chipping in then you're being even more totally unreasonable

pp's saying parents/step parents have a literal right to alone time. wtaf?!

StepBackNow · 08/09/2018 08:04

Lovely update, OP.

Taylor22 · 08/09/2018 10:28

Hope you have a great time OP!

ballseditupforever · 08/09/2018 10:48

Your husband is being an idiot. Sounds like you need to go somewhere a bit more budget though.

cmlover · 08/09/2018 11:02

ok thats great, I'm glad he seen sence. have a great time.

easy did you not read that the children have 2 holidays/break allready set up in the next 4 month's?

I'm not sure why you don't think it's important that partners have time together?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2018 13:46

Brilliant update, OP - hope you have a fantastic time

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