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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by these comments

73 replies

shipster · 05/09/2018 07:23

My DSis basically says that she has a crap family, her brother and sisters are crap (is me), noone bothers about her, and that noone would look out for her if she was alone. ( She is currently single and lives with my parents).

I honestly think it's a horrible thing to say. We aren't by any means horrible to her at all. She says that when my parents die she will be on her own and nether of uswill give a toss. I tell her of course we would, why wouldn't we. Her reply is you've all got your own lives and don't bother with her as it is. I don't know what she means by that but we see her regularly when we visit our parents.

I am quite hurt tbh and she is insinuating that we are horrible people and don't care when we do.. it almost makes me want to tell her to just sod off if that's how she feels about things now.

OP posts:
pandarific · 05/09/2018 07:28

Why does she live with her parents if she’s a grown up? I think it’s her responsibility to go out and get what she wants from life - eg a partner, social life etc. If she is all ‘woe is me I have nothing’ that’s a bit self pitying and passive, and then it seems she’s sort of blaming you all by proxy.

Think we need more info on her situation - how old is she, why does she live with your parents, could she be depressed?

Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 07:35

She's 40. She has a few health problems and has ended up staying with my parents as she can't work full time. My parents are ok with this.

She may be depressed. I definitely know she is sad that she hasn't yet found a partner. She's been single a long time. Just had no luck in that department.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 05/09/2018 07:36

Maybe she's thinking that if you weren't visiting your parents you wouldn't see he r.
It sounds like a very clumsy way of saying she'd like you initiate contact with her individually.
Maybe she's conscious that everyone else is coupled up, and she's not.
She sounds quite depressed, so cut her some slack and contact her apart from your parents. She's saying she doesn't feel valued.

Singlenotsingle · 05/09/2018 07:42

Hasn't she got any friends? She ought to make a bit of a social life for herself instead of relying on siblings. She's right, - you have got your own lives.

1HitWonder · 05/09/2018 07:43

I'd say it's a whole mixture of things. She's likely quite jealous that she can't have her 'own life' ie her own home, children etc. It can't be easy to see your siblings go off and live their life while you're stuck with mum and dad. But it's not fair of her to blame you with that, it's no ones fault that she has health problems stopping her from living her life. Can you encourage her to speak to someone as she sounds depressed about her situation?

NonaGrey · 05/09/2018 07:49

She sounds lonely and worried about her future.

You see her when you visit your parents but do you ever just go to see her?

She may have been agressive or unfair in how she raised the subject but I think you have to cut through that to the underlying cause. She’s your sister, single, no DC - you and your brother are all she’s got.

Why not start organising things with just the two of you or just the three of you? Invite her over for dinner on her own, go to the pub the three of you or go to the cinema?

It really sounds like she’s just looking for reassurance.

KC225 · 05/09/2018 08:06

Sounds to me that her self reflection and self loathing has flipped switched to jealousy and blaming - alas you are your siblings have taken the brunt of it.

A few health problems does not mean she is allowed to hurt your feelings. Your parents should pull her up on it. Has she alqays been like this? Does she come over to see you on your own? Perhaps invite her so she in not a side dish on your parents visit? Is she able to travel independently?

Dont get sucked into her emotional blackmail. Tell her you will be always be there for her as support but you are her sibling and not her parent. Very few 40 year olds need 'looking afer'. Perhaps encourage her start looking into the future if she is concerned. Start with her talking to someone about possible depression. Possibly help her join some groups where she could meet someone - not just a love interest but make new friends, so she can get out and widen her horizons and she can feel more confident.

redexpat · 05/09/2018 08:16

She is telling you all that she doesnt feel loved. Try asking her what it would take to make her feel loved.

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 08:38

About time she left home! However people do feel hard done by at times, it seems unreasonable to others but it's natural to be down in the dumps. I would be if I was an adult living with parents.

Be nice, encourage her to broaden her horizons.

Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 09:31

I get that she feels down about it all . However, we would for sure look out for her but she is basically saying we wouldn't because as she puts it, we are "crap".

It's like of my DH were to die tomorrow, I would end up being a single parent to young children. I don't expect anyone else, least of her to help me. I don't have a problem with this. I certainly wouldn't say they are horrible for this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/09/2018 09:34

I am quite hurt tbh and she is insinuating that we are horrible people and don't care when we do.. it almost makes me want to tell her to just sod off if that's how she feels about things now

Nice. Your empathy there is heart warming.

Maybe she has a point.

PaddyF0dder · 05/09/2018 09:36

It’s always easier to blame other people I guess.

Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 09:38

She does have lots of friends. I take on board that I probably need to visit her for her and perhaps do more things like go out together.

However, on retrospectiion I don't do this as she does say nasty comments. They are hurtful and she has always been like this and she has gotten used to being like this too I guess.

Hmm. It's all a bit tricky. Maybe I am being a crap sister but maybe she should watch what she says.

OP posts:
Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 09:40

Bluntness100 Ha! Empathy - she could do with a bit of that, if I let you knew.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 05/09/2018 09:41

She is feeling jealous and left out. She is not dealing with it in a way that will actually make people want to spend time with her, unfortunately.

LemonysSnicket · 05/09/2018 09:44

My sis is like this - thinks nobody loves her and that no one gives a shit about her when literally all we do is try to help her. I think it happens when women can't handle not having a partner and being the centre of someone's world - when single they realise that you have someone else and they're not the no1 priority in anyone's life.
In her mind she has to be the priority or the relationship is worthless.

You just have to keep reiterating imo

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2018 09:46

I'm not surprised she's been single a long time with that sort of attitude.
I'd leave her to it.

gamerwidow · 05/09/2018 09:49

To be fair to your sister it sounds like she’s not dealt a bit of a shit hand in life. That’s not your fault but it’s not really surprising that she is feeling a bit angry and lashing out.
Do you ever see her away from your parents? She probably feels like you visit her as an after thought when you see your parents.

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 09:51

She is 40!!

Don't pander to her. If she sprouts this BS to you ask her what she is doing about planning for a future without your parents.
Ask her what she will do when they pass. Because while you love her and do what a relationship she is not your child. She is responsible for her own life and you have other shit to deal with.

If she isn't making an effort to help herself she can't expect her siblings to replace your parents role.

Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 10:02

That's it. I think she wants us to "look after" her as she puts it. When I asked her by what she meant. She said "you know like do shopping for me, visit me, call regularly to see how I am, check up on me, do I need any help etc."

We would so do this. But she insists that we won't because we're "crap".

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 05/09/2018 10:05

How debilitating are her illnesses? It sounds to me like she is frightened for her future when your parents pass.

Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 10:06

I think becoming more independent might help to give her the confidence to know she'll be ok on her own. But she can't live on her own atm. I would just be so happy if she met someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
shipster · 05/09/2018 10:08

She has anxiety and she just gets very tired working full time so works part time.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 05/09/2018 10:12

Are there any support groups she can attend for people with similar health issues?
Would it help if you and she put together a plan of things she can do to help her feel more confident?
What is she most scared of do you think, what steps can be taken to over come this?
I know it must feel like a big burden for you and it’s really really frustrating when people won’t help themselves but I think you’re going to have to give your sister some support to get herself out of this rut now for the sake of your future later.

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 10:13

That's all fine Op. But regardless of any limitations she has. She is not and will never be our responsibility.

If she is unable to take care of herself then she and your parents need to make long term care plans.

Go to them all and make it painstakingly clear that while you love her and want to have her in your life your relationship is as siblings. Not as a carer.

You will not shop for her. You will not be able to commit to checking in on her regularly etc.

It is her responsibility to ensure that she is OK in the event that she is left without your parents.