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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by these comments

73 replies

shipster · 05/09/2018 07:23

My DSis basically says that she has a crap family, her brother and sisters are crap (is me), noone bothers about her, and that noone would look out for her if she was alone. ( She is currently single and lives with my parents).

I honestly think it's a horrible thing to say. We aren't by any means horrible to her at all. She says that when my parents die she will be on her own and nether of uswill give a toss. I tell her of course we would, why wouldn't we. Her reply is you've all got your own lives and don't bother with her as it is. I don't know what she means by that but we see her regularly when we visit our parents.

I am quite hurt tbh and she is insinuating that we are horrible people and don't care when we do.. it almost makes me want to tell her to just sod off if that's how she feels about things now.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 05/09/2018 10:14

Has she tried CBT and other talking therapies if she has anxiety. You’re right that she needs to help herself to overcome this otherwise you’re all going to have a miserable future.
Good luck I know from experience what a struggle it is to support family with mental illness

Original poster

shipster · 05/09/2018 10:14

I think having a plan for her for the future might help her dispel the fears that she has when my parents have gone.

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 05/09/2018 10:19

shipster

It sounds like she's just a bit depressed with how her life is going and naturally her siblings are her main point of comparison. Obviously it's not nice that she's lashing out but I do feel sorry for her.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2018 10:28

But you don't see her. She is there when you visit your parents.

Do you ever invite her over on her own? Ring her or message for a chat?
Pop round when your parents are out, or just to catch up?

She hasn't gone about it the right way, but she might have a point...

PerfectPenquins · 05/09/2018 10:28

Do you ever invite her out with you? Go shopping together, see a film or something? Do you ever call or text her?

Do you only see her when your visiting your parents?

Anxious2niteaaah · 05/09/2018 10:32

Who did she say these comments to?

Did she say them to a friend or boyfriend in the hopes they would feel sorry enough to let her freeload off them?

Is she an attention seeker (says things to be the centre of attention)

If what she is saying is false and you and your family know it's false then she will know it's false too...don't react or comment to it, that's probably what she wants so that she can use it to get more sympathy and attention from others

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 05/09/2018 10:46

I don't think it's a horrible thing to say if she truly believes it.

It must be horrible to hear though, if you don't.

I think the idea of you doing more things with her is a good one.

PrefabSprouts · 05/09/2018 10:53

We would so do this. But she insists that we won't because we're "crap".

You keep saying that you would, not that you do.

She does sound a little self centred, but she's obviously feeling low, maybe her anxiety is making her depressed. She's analysing her place in the world and whether you agree or disagree that it's true, this is how she feels right now.

Maybe texting or calling her now and again would help, out of the blue, just to see how she is. Ask her to go for coffee/drinks occasionally, show her that she's thought about.

deepsea · 05/09/2018 11:07

How often do you see your sister just the two of you?

Do you go to the cinema/shopping/out for lunch?

As someone completely neutral, I would imagine she sees your visits are for your parents, not for her, and she would like a more meaningful relationship with you.

I would not be hurt by the comments, but I would make the effort to spend more time with her, so she doesn't feel as lonely and depressed if you care for her as much as you say you do.

CrabbityRabbit · 05/09/2018 11:11

Does she really need someone to do her shopping for her? Would she like to go shopping WITH you as a trip out? That might be a nice way to spend half a day.

When you say nasty comments, what do you mean? Is it outright insults? Barbs that may stem from jealousy? General miserableness? She may need pulling up a few times firmly but kindly on this as it will improve her relationship with you and your brother if it stops.

Is she interested in your DC? Would she like to come on the odd family day out? Would she like to spend some fun time with them one on one doing something age appropriate like baking? Would she like to be the 'fun aunt'?

KeneftYakimoski · 05/09/2018 11:11

I think she wants us to "look after" her as she puts it. When I asked her by what she meant. She said "you know like do shopping for me, visit me, call regularly to see how I am, check up on me, do I need any help etc."

She’s 40. Why can’t she do her own shopping? Why does she need checking up on?

Hundredacrewoods · 05/09/2018 11:15

Why is the onus on you to maintain the relationship? Does she initiate contact with, visit and prioritise you? If not she's being very unreasonable.

spottybetty · 05/09/2018 11:19

And what will her part be in this relationship? Will she check up on you, do your shopping, etc? She sounds quite selfish - and nasty with it, I'm afraid. She may well be afraid of getting old alone, but she's not going about improving her relationship with you in the right way, is she? At her age, she should have enough self awareness to know this.

Original poster

shipster · 05/09/2018 11:23

PrefabSprouts of course I don't do these things for her now. Why would I do her shopping now when she my parents do it. She doesn't need the support now does she!

OP posts:

Loonoon · 05/09/2018 11:24

As someone else said you say you would help but you aren’t.

By your own account this isn’t a fit, able woman but someone with ‘a few’ health problems sufficently serious she has had to move home with her parents in order to keep earning a living. Even if it is all completely of her own making it sounds like a dull and lonely life with not much to look forward to.

It is hard to hear that a family member thinks you are crap and I can understand it hurts but reading between the lines you also think she is a pretty crap sister. Is hearing her vocalise your shared opinion of each other hurting more because you have a twinge of guilt she might be right or is it really hurtful because it’s absolutely untrue?

If there is some truth in it step up a bit, ask her out for a drink, try and develop a relationship that is pleasurable for both of you. If it doesn’t work out at least you know you made an effort with her. OTOH if it’s completely untrue, carry on as you are with a clear conscience.

PrefabSprouts · 05/09/2018 11:34

Why is the onus on you to maintain the relationship? Does she initiate contact with, visit and prioritise you? If not she's being very unreasonable.

Because her sister is obviously not in a good place. She's has MH issues, she's 40 and living back with her parents, she's talking about feeling unloved by her family. That's very possibly how she feels. If so, she's unlikely to initiate contact with her siblings if she thinks they don't care about her.

Sounds to me that by saying this she's asking for help. She needs to be shown that she is loved.

PrefabSprouts · 05/09/2018 11:45

PrefabSprouts of course I don't do these things for her now. Why would I do her shopping now when she my parents do it. She doesn't need the support now does she!

Not the practical things, no, but she definitely needs emotional support.

Calling her for a chat, texting to ask how she is today. Arranging to meet for coffee, inviting her to the odd family BBQ/Sunday lunch, etc. Just showing her that you're think about her, letting her know that you do care and that you (and your siblings) would be there if she needed you.

sonjadog · 05/09/2018 11:56

I think it depends on if you think she needs someone to do her shopping and so on, and also if you want to do it. If you think she can actually do these things herself, then by running around after her now, you are just making a rod for your own back. If she can't do it herself, then that is different. Also, you have your own life and responsibilities and it is reasonable not to want to take on responsibility for another adult. In that case, she will have to make other plans and she needs to be clear about that. I´m in that position myself and no, I won't be sacrificing my life to look after other adults. I accept that that makes me crap, but the other option is worse imo.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2018 12:00

It does sound like a shit situation for her, dependent on parents due to her health and it's understandable that she is anxious about the future. It's not your fault though but maybe her and your parents trying to make a plan for her future might help her feel less insecure.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

shipster · 05/09/2018 17:37

FrancisCrawford She doesn't help or support me in any way. Her way of thinking is we have our spouses/ in laws families that help / support us. She has noone so really it's on us to help her. Not the other way round. She's alone. We aren't.

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 17:55

But you have responsibilities and other stresses that she doesn't.

pandarific · 05/09/2018 17:58

From what you've said (don't think you've said whether her disability is likely to get worse over time?) it sounds like it could be learned helplessness?

I agree with pp it would be better to have a conversation with her now to set expectations. Are you okay with being her carer when your parents are gone? Because if she does need one and if you are not happy to do this (the lions share would be most likely to fall on you as you are a woman and her only sister and caring work is most often just assumed to be women's work) it would be better to set out now that you are not happy to do that. You can love her and support her emotionally and help her access carers through the proper channels when the time comes, but that you won't be taking on caring responsibilities yourself.

Original poster

shipster · 05/09/2018 18:15

Sorry, I didn't mean she has a disability. She can work full time if she chose too. Her anxiety does not affect her working at all. She gets tired after a long day ( like most people do) and she doesn't really want the hassle of that. She isn't disabled or things won't be getting worse. Yrsz her mental health may get worse but then anyone else could too.

OP posts:

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