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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by these comments

73 replies

shipster · 05/09/2018 07:23

My DSis basically says that she has a crap family, her brother and sisters are crap (is me), noone bothers about her, and that noone would look out for her if she was alone. ( She is currently single and lives with my parents).

I honestly think it's a horrible thing to say. We aren't by any means horrible to her at all. She says that when my parents die she will be on her own and nether of uswill give a toss. I tell her of course we would, why wouldn't we. Her reply is you've all got your own lives and don't bother with her as it is. I don't know what she means by that but we see her regularly when we visit our parents.

I am quite hurt tbh and she is insinuating that we are horrible people and don't care when we do.. it almost makes me want to tell her to just sod off if that's how she feels about things now.

OP posts:

CrossFlannelCherry · 05/09/2018 18:29

Your sister is like my sister 20 years on; she lives with our DM and is 60. Never had a long term relationship, no children, poor health, bitter, alcoholic. She has been so rude, sarcastic and hurtful towards me for many years and I am now very low contact with her. If I ended a phone conversation she would say "Oh yes, off you trot wifey, go and do your wifey duties", and once I mentioned I had to get going to pick up DCs from school and get them to after school activities and she said "God I'm glad I don't have your life". She dishes it out but she can't take it and would go into an epic 6 month sulk if I dared said anything like that to her. I used to make an effort with her and cut her a lot of slack because of her rotten life but she did something so spiteful a couple of years ago that I can't forgive her. I know from what my DM has told me that she's now worrying what will happen to her when mum dies, but to be honest she's burned her bridges with me. I don't understand why so many posters are telling you you need to step up, why should you? We don't choose our relatives and if you sister is able to go out to work (as does mine) then she's capable of doing her own shopping and picking up the phone occasionally to ask how you are. You are not responsible for your sister.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2018 18:30

So could she potentially move towards independence?

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueJava · 05/09/2018 18:41

Sorry but I think she is wallowing in self-pity. It's only something she can get over - she needs to get herself out, give herself other interests and try and get a more positive outlook on life. I don't think it's something you can do for her. I'd push back on her comments gently but firmly - but don't take offence or be hurt. She's just getting what she wants otherwise and that's attention, whether it's for nice things or nasty.

CSIblonde · 05/09/2018 18:55

She's scared of being alone & sounds depressed. Maybe see her separately for coffee now & again so she feels valued as separate entity to your parents.

Would she do meet up groups or online dating or a hobby related evening course? If she still seems down, might be worth GP visit.

pandarific · 05/09/2018 19:27

Sorry, I didn't mean she has a disability. She can work full time if she chose too. Her anxiety does not affect her working at all. She gets tired after a long day ( like most people do) and she doesn't really want the hassle of that. She isn't disabled or things won't be getting worse. Yrsz her mental health may get worse but then anyone else could too.

Ahh sorry that was my misunderstanding then. In which case, your sister is a bit of a CF isn't she, demanding that you 'look after' her when she's a grown woman?

Don't pander to her, that will only enable her to go on like she is right now - she needs to take responsibility for her life.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2018 19:58

You don't like her much, do you?

Original poster

shipster · 06/09/2018 05:25

Nanny0gg she doesn't exactly give me many reasons to.

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/09/2018 07:10

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic ... it doesn't sound like there's a thing wrong with her.

She doesn't want the hassle of day's working...?

Neither do any of us, love.

Holidayshopping · 06/09/2018 07:17

Wow-she sounds like hard work!

Taylor22 · 06/09/2018 08:08

OP it's Ok not to like her and to not want to spend time with her.

If she starts making demands of you just say that until she starts sorting herself out you're not going to want to hang out.

Have you spoken to your other siblings about the situation?

Original poster

shipster · 06/09/2018 08:30

I think it's a case of we don't really know what will happen. I assume she will continue living in our parents home and she will pay the bills / groceries etc and look after herself and live independently just as we all are. We will support her, visit her, go out day together if I am able.

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 06/09/2018 08:56

Tell her it works both ways. She could contact you to see if you want to go out together, to see if she could visit you., that she could phone or message you.

Taylor22 · 06/09/2018 08:57

Honestly OP. I wouldn't commit to anything. Not even that. If it's ever brought up just say that you can't promise anything. They need to make plans that don't hold you or your siblings to anything.

Original poster

shipster · 06/09/2018 09:31

Hmm. I guess I know what you all mean. She is obviously concerned about her future. However, when she talks about it, she doesn't say that she's going to do about anything. It's all you lot are ok, what about me? You aren't going to do anything for me. But if my world was to come crumbling down for any reason, I wouldn't expect her to help me. If she did I would be grateful and it would be a bonus but I certainly wouldn't be saying it to her face what will you be doing for me?

OP posts:

pandarific · 06/09/2018 10:44

Why does she expect other people to sort her life out for her, or that life 'owes' her something? It's a weird point of view to have. Has she been spoiled by your parents? Why have they never expected her to grow up into a functioning adult, move out, have her own life etc?

If they've always cotton-wooled her and solved all her problems and not garnered independence then a lot of this is at their door tbh.

But you know what? Fundamentally you can't change her - and also fundamentally she is NOT your responsibility. She's not your child - you need to speak to your parents, siblings and then her laying out your stall now - that you are not going to accept any nonsense - she needs to take responsibility and you will not be manipulated or guilted.

Original poster

shipster · 06/09/2018 10:57

I guess she has been Molly cuddled by my parents. She feels that life has dealt her a bad hand and has never had a break. My family feel sympathy for her so they have really helped her above and beyond how they helped me and my brother.

She feels she has it worse than anyone else. If I were to feel sympathy towards anyone elses loss/ tragedy etc , she would say well so what, what about me?

OP posts:

Original poster

shipster · 06/09/2018 11:03

Writing that, reminded me of a time someone lost their unborn full term baby. Due to complications they also had to have their womb removed. The poor woman woke up to find her baby had died and that she would never be able to have her own children as well. Absolutely horrific- a double tragedy. So so sad. On hearing this I exclaimed how words cannot describe what they must have gone through. Such a sad sad thing etc. Her response "uh, I'm sorry. What about me?".

I literally was lost for words when she said that.

OP posts:

redexpat · 06/09/2018 11:06

This is an interesting thread. Lots of ways to interpret her behaviour.

She says that you dont help, you say that you would. Has she asked directly for any specific help, or is she expecting you to proactively offer help? How does getting and giving help work in your wider family?

redexpat · 06/09/2018 11:07

Omg x post - what a despicable tjing to say?

Havaina · 06/09/2018 11:21

She sounds horrible. I have 2 entitled siblings. I'm LC with them. Whatever you do for them, however much you give them, it will never be enough.

FrancisCrawford · 06/09/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 07/09/2018 13:52

It sounds like she has misunderstood something fundamental about life. And this is that none of us are entitled to someone to "help" us through it. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything to do about that. In my experience, people who think this way are very resistant to losing that belief. The only thing you can do is decide what/if you want to do for her and stick to it, no matter how much she complains.

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