AIBU to think I'm damaging my three year old

[threeyearoldhelp]

NC and posting in here as need advice, help and honesty.

My three and a half year old boy has, up until recently, been an 'easy' child to parent. Of course he's had wobbles, tantrums etc but nothing we couldn't handle. We have a very loving family, friends and a great support network. My son starts at nursery today, prior to this he's been with me for half of the week and grandparents the other half. He's been a happy child, loves adult company, growing in confidence with other children. Overall a lovely normal three year old.

However, over the last few months he's been a horror. He doesn't listen to us, argues, answers back, has huge melt downs and yesterday hit me for the first time during his tantrum. These outbursts aren't constant and he will go back to the kind boy I know, but they are exhausting. There are no triggers I can see, apart from being told 'no'. He's very articulate and his understanding is above the level for his age, and so when I tell him 'no' I give the reason and I know he understands.

Now, I have a horrible feeling I am to blame for this behaviour change. I am a rather strict parent, I expect a lot from my son (for instance I will pull him up if he's shouting, throws his toys, crashes them together even if it is just during typical play) and I think it's all too much for him now. I think as I react a lot , he is mirroring my behaviour and he's trying to get some control over his world.

I'm so worried that I have caused him damage and anxiety. He's displaying signs of this at the moment - very clingy, wanting to please, but then the melt downs and difficult behaviour are also increasing.

Any advice welcomed.

My 3.5yr old DD has just returned to her normal cheery self after 4-5 weeks of bring an absolute terror. I think it's just developmental phases they go through.

Have you had any big changes recently? We moved about 6 weeks ago so she's had a new house and new preschool to deal with which probably had something to do with it. Though she's had phases like this before with no clear 'cause'!

You definitely need to be less controlling about how he plays at home. As long as he isn't breaking things i can't see the harm in crashing toys together loudly for his own amusement (however annoying it might be for you). I CAN see the harm in having a parebt constantly telling him not to do things that are ultimately innocuous and probably actually really good for his play development, independence, creativity and security. Perhaps seek therapy for yourself and loosen your controlling ways over yoir child.

Three is a very difficult age. People talk about the terrible twos, but I think 3 is worse! He's struggling with his emotions and that's a good thing, because it means he's recognising them which in turn means he's starting to mature. If his understanding (and possibly speech, I'm guessing?) is advanced then it's probably the case that his development so far has been focused on 'intellectual' and/or physical stuff, so now the social/emotional stuff has to catch up. I don't reckon it's anything to do with how you parent. You could try making sure you acknowledge and label his emotion and the reason for it ("you're angry because you can't have another biscuit").

Oh and I know what you mean my mirroring your behaviour. I see the same, when she started being really difficult I also reacted a lot at first and saw her mirroring me too - same tone, same words sometimes. We have had to try different tactics until she comes out of it. It's hard but generally the calmer you are the calmer they are, very difficult when they are screaming the house down though I know

He’s 3. Sometimes they’re a pain in the arse. Don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

Lol to the suggestion that you seek therapy!

Our 3yr old has tantrums sometimes (usually when tired or hungry) and will sometimes hit during those times. I don’t think it’s anything we’ve done to him - he’s just 3. It’s an emotional rollercoaster.
He doesn’t hit normally and he knows it’s wrong. I’d say, don’t blame yourself.

If you feel like you are being over critical, try to reduce it a bit where you feel comfortable. (But FYI I stop mine bashing cars together and throwing toys, unless soft/balls etc) :)

Sorry, just seen you said he's articulate, so yes. It's easy to forget with very bright children that they are still undeveloped beings in many areas!

Pick your battles. Literally the best piece of parenting advice I have ever received.

It’s a difficult age, much harder than two imo. Perhaps pick your battles. Ask yourself- does it really matter?
He will grow out of it as well. My youngest, who’s nearly four, is like this at the moment. I don’t always let him have his own way, but I let him do mostly what he wants in the house. I think he’s going through a tough time in that he wants to be two things at the same time - a little boy and a big boy. I remember my eldest was the same and he grew out of it.

I think its pretty normal. Yes they do mirror behaviour they see but I think he'd be having these typical tantrums Any way he's just using your ways to express himself. I've seen it in my 3 yr old, hearing words and tone from him has made me reevaluate how I speak to him.

Actually o don't think telling a child not to bash their toys is a bad thing.

However, like many children, he probably needs to experience that himself.

If he's bright and articulate you can say "I don't want you to bang your toys like that because they can get broken". Then leave him be. If they break they've gone. You just remind him that's what happened (as you said!)

Signed
Parent if a child who never believes anything can happen until he sees it for himself 😴😴😴

3 is a tough age , they develop there own minds without the reasoning behind it.

Crashing toys together is Normal , throwing is an outside activity .

Find some space for free play , it’s fine to correct just ensure it comes with plenty of praise .

I repeat 3 is a really tough age.

A weird secret amongst parents is how unspeakably horrible three year olds can be. My own eldest two were lovely at 2 but hideous at 3. This sounds perfectly normal, buckle up and ride the threenager storm!

My four year old is just like this. It stated when he was about your son's age. I notice it gets worse when he is tired. I think it may just be age related.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, I've gone from feeling like the world's shittest mum to a normal mum who's having a shit day. Scary how close they can feel though.

I will relax, I know I don't need to control fun and play so much. I do love messy, outdoor, creative, quiet and exploratory play....however crashing and 'pointless' throwing etc just gets to me. But to a three year old I'n sure there is a plan there somewhere.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one (hugs). This parenting lark is hard. I think I felt especially down today as it's the first time my son has annoyed me to the point that I didn't want to be around him. Sounds terrible and I know you're not supposed to say that about your child. All was fine before bed and tomorrow is a new day.

One thing I would add is that we found just telling him that we understood why he was upset ( but the answers still no) helped him come out of the tantrums. At that age they just want to know they are understood.

My almost-four year old is a lovely, happy, sparky boy who can turn into a horrible little shit in the blink of an eye. I've cried buckets over how hopeless I feel I've been with him sometimes. Reading this has cheered me up no end and reminded me it's not just me who finds it impossibly hard at times. Inappropriate hugs all round xx

I think you need to give him some freedom - having a chance to engage in some rough play and take some risks is important. If he's overly constrained he'll fight back. When you need to insist on anything try and give him choices (no we can't have chips for dinner but would you prefer jacket potatoes or pasta?). Acknowledge and sympathize with his feelings of frustration - that doesn't mean acquiescing to what he wants, but understand they he has huge emotions he can't control and it's overwhelming for him. Try not to say no or don't very often at all. Redirect instead. So instead of "don't bang that car on the table" say "if you want to bang things we can use this soft toy, this won't dent the table". Remember you should be having 5 positive interactions for every one negative so remember to praise whenever you see him doing something positive (even just playing nicely or doing what you've asked first time).

Lastly - give yourself a break he's three, he has tantrums, it's normal.

Just pick your battles.

If you spend a whole day in a negative circle of no,no,no ,no ofc you'll feel shit. It's not fun for him but it's not fun for you either. There's guilt,and being fed up and bloody sick and tired of it.

He's not going to be very responsive to it either because 1.it loses power if it's said too much and 2.he'll be frustrated at being unable to do anything he wants. Because 3 yos forget all the other fun stuff you've done daily for the past 6 weeks.

If I were you I'd try to give him some choices over his little world (limited choice,2 options you're both happy with), clear expectations,praise the good behaviour (specific praise)and if at all possible try and change your language from negative to positive. So instead of "don't run" say "please walk" or "thank you for walking".
"Don't bang your toys" swapped for "show me how the cars run on the carpet".

It's hard to remember all this in the heat of the moment,but even little changes when calm can help.

Ours was an absolute horror at 3. How's grown into being a sweet, funny, kind and gentle boy. I wouldn't worry too much. It's maybe worth thinking about picking your battles, deciding what's important and try to focus on recognising good behaviour, just to help you survive this phase if nothing else!

Oh God, mine is not dissimilar (although literally just turned three). I would happily have put him on eBay this afternoon and I'm not entirely joking.

I'm finding some of the tips above really helpful but would welcome views from others on how to handle hitting. Mine is very prone to hitting and scratching when in a particular mood, and it's mostly directed at me. I think this has ramped up due to some stuff that is going on in the family but, truth be told, he's been "handsy" for a long, long time and I'm starting to get quite concerned.

It’s not ‘pointless’ crashing and throwing to him though. Does it help if you think of it as ‘physics’? (Whilst making sure the little darling doesn’t break your stuff obviously.)

're the throwing, we don't throw inside. If we want to throw, we get balls or bean bags and go outside. If we want to bang we use the drums (thanks dsis....) so I try to establish that there are times when throwing and banging are appropriate.

I tell him 'no' I give the reason and I know he understands.
Re early talkers / articulate young children. The fact that they can use complex sentences and you can have what seems like a normal conversation with them doesn't mean that they understand. Yes he knows the meanings of the words but he is not old or mature enough to understand cause and effect or delayed rewards, to show real empathy and accept that he is not the centre of the world and sometimes he will have to compromise etc.

Yes, I agree with everyone else, 3 year olds are HARD WORK!! I childmind one who is absolutely convinced he is in charge. Of everything and everyone. At all times. Being told no is also a massive trigger for him. Definitely pick your battles - and anticipate them and plan to avoid them. Also redirect him rather than stop him - he wants to throw stuff, then make a game of it with stuff like bean bags or soft balls or 'that looks fun! Lets go outside so we have more room to throw!'.