AIBU to think I'm damaging my three year old

[threeyearoldhelp]

NC and posting in here as need advice, help and honesty.

My three and a half year old boy has, up until recently, been an 'easy' child to parent. Of course he's had wobbles, tantrums etc but nothing we couldn't handle. We have a very loving family, friends and a great support network. My son starts at nursery today, prior to this he's been with me for half of the week and grandparents the other half. He's been a happy child, loves adult company, growing in confidence with other children. Overall a lovely normal three year old.

However, over the last few months he's been a horror. He doesn't listen to us, argues, answers back, has huge melt downs and yesterday hit me for the first time during his tantrum. These outbursts aren't constant and he will go back to the kind boy I know, but they are exhausting. There are no triggers I can see, apart from being told 'no'. He's very articulate and his understanding is above the level for his age, and so when I tell him 'no' I give the reason and I know he understands.

Now, I have a horrible feeling I am to blame for this behaviour change. I am a rather strict parent, I expect a lot from my son (for instance I will pull him up if he's shouting, throws his toys, crashes them together even if it is just during typical play) and I think it's all too much for him now. I think as I react a lot , he is mirroring my behaviour and he's trying to get some control over his world.

I'm so worried that I have caused him damage and anxiety. He's displaying signs of this at the moment - very clingy, wanting to please, but then the melt downs and difficult behaviour are also increasing.

Any advice welcomed.

I'm a single mum to a recently turned 3 yr old DD. I'm having a nightmare with her. There's a constant power battle with her. For example if we go up the stairs, she insists that she goes first. If I insist that I go first then she throws a strop and follows so closely behind me, that she almost trips me up! She often says that she doesn't want to be little and wants to be a grown up. When I say that I am her mummy, she shouts 'no, I'm Your Mummy!'. She has recently started stamping her foot whenever I ask her to do something. Like, when she washes her hands after she's used the potty and takes forever to do so and I ask her to hurry up, she'll stamp her foot and still will take ages. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells with her. I try my best to manage her behaviour and assert my dominance, but it feels like she is constantly battling against me and that she is winning. I feel totally worn down.

@Sleepyshores you just described my 3 year old! Power battles happen every day with us and I know how tiring and demoralising it is. The only things I've found to help are picking my battles and offering choices to lots of things when it makes no difference what he chooses. I remember feeling frustrated by not being able to make my own decisions when I was little so I couldn't wait to grow up either!

I tell my ds some things are non optional. He recognises that once that's been said it's not something he's going to win. But he does get plenty of choice in other areas.

Thank you trevor and Queen for your advice. I've found that up until recently, parenting a young child has come fairly instinctively, but this current stage is definitely something I am struggling with and is a lot more complicated and less instinctive than it's been up until now. I'll take on board your advice on picking your battles, giving choices and making clear the things that are non-negotiable. I think that for me, things are further complicated by the fact I'm not with my DD's Dad. She sees him every other wkend and he lives several hrs away. I'm not perfect by any means, but he has some mental health issues which I feel impact her, and he also lets her get away with everything when she's with him as he just wants her to enjoy herself and he doesn't ever want to discipline her. This makes things a lot more difficult for me, as not only do I have to deal with her emotional issues of missing him, which is heartbreaking in itself, but I also have to deal with the total lack of boundaries she has when she stays with him in contrast with the fairly strict boundaries she has when she's with me (they have to be strict as if I give an inch she takes a mile if you know what I mean).

I'm in the same situation even down to the person he sees as his dad having mental health issues, that's freaky haha
They are the 3 tips that I'd recommend, remember not to give too many choices, just stick to one or two things like Apple or orange otherwise she might get a bit overwhelmed

Thanks for the advice Queen. I hope things get easier for you too.