AIBU to think I'm damaging my three year old

[threeyearoldhelp]

NC and posting in here as need advice, help and honesty.

My three and a half year old boy has, up until recently, been an 'easy' child to parent. Of course he's had wobbles, tantrums etc but nothing we couldn't handle. We have a very loving family, friends and a great support network. My son starts at nursery today, prior to this he's been with me for half of the week and grandparents the other half. He's been a happy child, loves adult company, growing in confidence with other children. Overall a lovely normal three year old.

However, over the last few months he's been a horror. He doesn't listen to us, argues, answers back, has huge melt downs and yesterday hit me for the first time during his tantrum. These outbursts aren't constant and he will go back to the kind boy I know, but they are exhausting. There are no triggers I can see, apart from being told 'no'. He's very articulate and his understanding is above the level for his age, and so when I tell him 'no' I give the reason and I know he understands.

Now, I have a horrible feeling I am to blame for this behaviour change. I am a rather strict parent, I expect a lot from my son (for instance I will pull him up if he's shouting, throws his toys, crashes them together even if it is just during typical play) and I think it's all too much for him now. I think as I react a lot , he is mirroring my behaviour and he's trying to get some control over his world.

I'm so worried that I have caused him damage and anxiety. He's displaying signs of this at the moment - very clingy, wanting to please, but then the melt downs and difficult behaviour are also increasing.

Any advice welcomed.

@WhereIsBlueRabbit how do you handle hitting now? Have you considered keeping a diary of what happens,when and what was going on right before he hits?

A few more questions hope you don't mind..

1. What triggers his behaviour?
2. Are his basic needs (food,rest,warmth,safety) met at the time?
3. Does he have an end "goal"?
4. How is he after he calms down?
5. This one might be hard to pin down ,but in your opinion is his behaviour instinctual or a choice?

3 year olds can just be a pain in the arse... But do check for an ear infections or glue ear as this can cause the kind of behaviour you describe.

@RebelRogue, ask away! We usually either go for a "time out" or I try to hold him still. I tell him we don't hit, that's not how we behave, it hurts Mummy when we hit, etc. My goal with this is to stop him being able to hit me and calm him down. Once he's a bit calmer, we can talk about what's bothering him. The message I try to give him is that it's ok to be angry, but we don't hit each other.

What triggers it? The usual one is "being thwarted", i.e. having to do something he doesn't want to do (like have a fresh nappy put on before he's allowed to run around after his bath), or us saying no to him (like saying he can't have another biscuit). I can sometimes distract and head off a tantrum at the pass, but I don't always see them coming, to be honest. If you end up in a situation where he is refusing to do something and you push, that is a big trigger.

Are his basic needs met? I would say so. Tiredness is a big trigger - we had a to-do this afternoon because he needed to nap but didn't want to, refused to settle in his cot, and went ballistic when, after a while, I said ok, no nap then, let's get up and we'll go for early bed. He started hitting me because he wanted to go back to bed, even though he hadn't wanted to go to sleep...

I also think part of the problem is that his cognitive abilities are not necessarily in line with his speech, and he is quite anxious.

End goal? Usually, it's to get us to do what he wants, or to protest at us not doing what he wants. Not a successful technique! As above, it happens if we say "no" or "later", which is sometimes unavoidable depending on what he wants to do. It feels like it's about control.

How is he after he calms down? Sometimes remorseful, sometimes tearful. He is expected to apologise (through patting or saying sorry) and we "make friends again" with a hug. I also apologise if I've shouted.

Instinctual or choice? Hmm. Good question. The scratching felt instinctual at one stage. It sometimes feels like a choice - or perhaps a challenge. There's a sense of "what are you going to do about it?" some days.

Thoughts?

Honestly? He sounds 3 😂

Mine laid on the floor in a card shop today screaming like a banshee "YOU MAKE ME SO SOOO SAAAADDDDDDD" because I wasn't buying a bday card for him, and it wasn't his birthday.

Within 5 minutes he was happily walking along side me telling me I am his best friend.

In summary, toddlers/pre schoolers are pretty volatile 😂

Glad you're feeling better OP

It can be really draining. We had an episode in the morning before I left for work last week (DP does preschool off, I pick up) and I drove to work on such a downer. Leaving for the day on angry words and frustratiom rather than a kiss and cuddle really made me feel sad for most of the day.

As you say, tomorrow is another day x

This all sounds really normal tbh. I have worried this exact way though so I understand completely where you are coming from.

I am trying to pick my battles with my 3yo and also try distraction techniques followed by "aah this is much nicer and more fun than screaming/throwing etc, isn't it?" In a bright breezy tone with a big smile. She gets the point but without it coming across as a nag/criticising.

t I don't always see them coming

Well first of all,no one does. So don't take it personally or think it's your fault/you could've prevented it. The end game for you is not to prevent him being angry,but in time him being able to regulate his emotions.
Also check if some of the thing he kicks off about are because he's ready for the next stage. For example the nappy,is he ready for potty training,pull ups? Does he really a nap in the afternoon,or just an hour of chill time even if he's not asleep? I don't know...
Things you can try (not all at once) a calm down spot(this should never be the same as the time out spot,it's not a punishment or consequence,but a place for him where he can safely kick off), removing yourself from the situation if safe to do so or be still,look the other way,body turned(basically you're not engaging with whatever he wants) ,when close to kicking off acknowledge there is a problem and try to work out a solution ("i can see you're not happy ,how can I help") , praise him when he does get angry/frustrated but he doesn't kick off. Discuss strategies with him when he is calm,it's pointless in the middle of a tantrum or right after. once it's over(it actually takes a long time to be over and The tearfulness after can still be part of the meltdown) calm talk about how you feel,how he feels,what could he do next time instead, let him take part in the process and analyse his own behaviour and how to manage it.
Expose him to feelings language..there is a whole range of emotions and a lot of them can feel similar. A child can confuse excitement with anxiety,anger with fear etc. He's still learning,these connections are still being made...slowly and painfully. And at the end of the day he's only 3, so at times he will simply kick off because you gave him the wrong IMAGINARY spoon(yes,really)!

P.S. I'm no expert.

Op it's perfectly normal they are pumping full of hormones, three nager...

Agree to relax and let him play, who knows maybe he's the next Steve jobs, or Einstein and you couldn't possibly understand that route his brain needs to go from so called pointlessly throwing that toy to finding a way to make cars actually fly

How are you reacting? Are you a bit shouty with him?

My gut instinct says let go of some control. Look at the Solihull parenting course. It will help.

Just to add ; one of mine was like this and was very difficult. The other was very calm and completely different. The one that was prone to the shouting was the one I certainly was more strict on and 'told off' more. I think I tried to control one too much and learnt my lesson.

Yes, second is probably just different personality to a degree as well, but I am 100% certain my parenting caused some of the issues. And I'm not saying I was shouty or smashy with him but certainly more helicopter-esque and overbearing. I often wish I could go back in time to be honest!

@ocelot41 has wise words about checking for those conditions.

I also found 3 harder than 2. I think they question things more and start trying to negotiate everything instead of just complying

Things that help but are hard to do in the heat of the moment -

Practice saying what you can do instead of can't e.g. don't say stop throwing blocks at the wall. Say I'm worried about the wall getting damaged. Why don't we throw a balloon or soft ball instead

Empathise and put names to feelings e.g. yes it's annoying to have to go the bed when you want to get up isn't it. I bet you want to stay up all night even after we've gone to bed. But it's late and I don't want you to be tired tomorrow. Which story do you want

When I am calm enough and take the time to do this, it works. In reality I threaten and bribe which is probably the worst thing to do.

I find mine goes through periods of needing more sleep sometimes and gets more brattish if tired. She has been a lot better since we moved bedtime a bit earlier. She is also awful when she is hungry. Just something else to consider!

Sounds totally normal to me!

Oh if you're concerned at all though speak to nursery. Kids act up in front of their parents but can be very different there. They would notice if anything not normal going on

Thanks, I have actually booked an audiology appointment so will see what they say end of this month. Although I do think hearing is fine as his spoken language and understanding is good.

I'm not shouty with him, I do think I may be too wordy though.

He’s a ‘threenager’. Perfectly normal.

Never met a 3 year old who couldn’t throw a wobbler that could be heard streets away. They go through phases of being little buggers and pushing every button you have, then back to sweetness and light. It’s all normal.

My advice would be to remind yourself that you appear to have got lucky prior to this if he’s waited until now to push your buttons. But he’s normal and certainly I’ve found that trying to allow them to safely realise the consequences of their actions themselves works wonders. Let him have control over the small things. It takes some of the frustration out of their sails. But ultimately kids can be hideous at any age when the mood takes them (dealing with a tween currently that flounces off slamming doors and rolling eyes). They tend to react rather than think so don’t beat yourself up. He sounds like a normal typical threenager pushing his boundaries

Mine has meltdowns also when we need to stop doing something like last go on the swings or time to put the tablet away. I've tried this a couple of times and it worked - plenty of warning then telling them we're going to do a timer for x minutes. Getting out my phone and setting up the timer. Getting her to press the start button when she is ready. Guessing who is going to hear the timer first and asking her if it's gone off yet. She happily stopped swinging when it went off! Bizarrely. Sure the novelty will wear off shortly but I felt like I was winning for a change!!

OP mine had good speech, understanding etc. Had huge hearing loss.

My lovely and rather amenable ds1 turned into a boundary testing, grumpy threenager too.
He tells me I make him sad because I won't let him do so and so and he's started to mirror phrases back at me
The latest is that I am on thin ice. 😂
Try to remember they are still little and learning everything.
I have a 2yo too so have a tendency to treat 4yo as older than he is.
Have a read of 'how to speak so little kids will listen'.
Distraction, making something like tidying up into a game, etc offered as techniques.
Also a lot of the behavior is attention seeking so I have to ditch the laundry and sit and play with him for a bit.

Seriously though, anyone struggling go here; or find one locally if you are lucky. It will really change how you look at / deal with things.

solihullapproachparenting.com/online-course-for-parents/

Sound normal to me! He's testing boundaries and his boundaries are very strict. Being told "no" is a classic tantrum trigger. Starting nursery will also be a big deal for him and will be reflected in his behaviour.
If you are worried about your very strict approach you may find it helpful to look up Sarah Ockwell Smith - she is a gentle parenting advocate and whilst I'm sure you won't agree with all of it (I don't), you may find it helpful as useful alternative way of looking at his behaviour.

My friend is a primary school teacher and she has a great method when her 3 Yro starts acting up/refusing to do something. She says cheerfully “ok we’ll continue when you calm down” and then She just stands totally still and silent and stares blankly into the distance. Within 30 seconds the kid behaves. It’s like a magic bullet. Works anywhere/any time - none of this portable naughty step stuff.

Ooh, I think that's me: not shouty so much but too wordy .

@RebelRogue, thanks for the tips - there's some really useful stuff in there. I found today's very frustrating because he is starting to throw stuff so although I walked away (ie into the next room) to remove the audience factor, I had to sprint back pretty quickly after everything from the bedside table got thrown and he started going for the lamp... A calm-down spot is a good idea - I'm thinking maybe the garden because there's not as much there that is throwable .

He's hit and miss on naps. I prefer to do without them in some ways as it makes for a very easy bedtime but there are days when his behaviour and appearance suggest he needs one. Today was one of those days - he's been off-colour and was very restless in the night. On other days, he just needs some quiet time in the afternoon.

Potty training: he is very resistant to the idea, despite being quite aware of bowel movements and having some awareness around weeing. He refuses to wear pull-ups or to use the potty. We have found with other things he has been resistant to that he has either suddenly bowed under peer pressure and found it's ok after all, or he suddenly decides to try it - either way, forcing the issue is rarely successful. So for the time being, we're not pushing potty-training but are trying to help him become more capable at taking his clothes off himself, in preparation.

Thank you to others on here - it is really reassuring. Does anyone else have a hitter?!

I'm a pretty chilled out parent but ds got me the other day when he said "your attitude stinks mummy". I only asked him to stop banging his spoon off the bowl.

I quite like 3 year olds, wee buggers!!

My 3yo has been tough going this year. He was never an 'easy' kid, but his behaviour deteriorated after DC2 was born. All the stuff you've said. He's sort of chilling out a bit now but it can still be challenging. Has there been any big changes recently?

Meh, toddlers suck. That is why they are cute.

Mine became rational human beings at around the 4ish mark.