Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think my family are disgusting?

97 replies

pippa33568xx · 04/09/2018 13:09

I look after my grandad and I've been left to it for the last 10 plus years.
He has dementia.
My life has been a misery for years and I now have anxiety and depression.
I'm at grandads every day for around 10 hours.
On Sunday night he opened the door and got out (first time ever) telecare had my uncles number (off around 16 years ago even tho my uncle doesn't care for him and hasn't visited in 6 months even tho he lives 5 mins away ) I have 2 other aunts who won't help.
My uncle said there's nobody to look after him you will have to take him to hospital...my uncle went in ambulance and then left him after 20 mins in a&e as he was crying and screaming (the dementia)
I only found out when I got to grandads and he wasn't there,rang my uncle and he said he was showing me up so I left him.
He hasn't even rang to check on him.
I'm disgusted in my family
How could you leave him alone and not tell me then not even ring me or hospital to check on him.

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/09/2018 10:29

It sounds like they are doing what they can and you cannot do any more. Take care of yourself OP and know that you went above and beyond for your granddad.

Loonoon · 05/09/2018 10:38

People are agreeing that your uncle is disgusting and perhaps he is, but he is also putting his own needs first. That isn’t always a nice thing to do but sometimes for our own physical and mental wellbeing it’s what we have to do.

From what you say OP it’s time for you to stop being so selfless and start to think about what it is you need to gain some quality of life. Sadly your sacrificing your own needs will not cure your grandad.

Lweji · 05/09/2018 10:38

I'm glad they are sorting it and you will be relieved of care duties, but sorry it's bad news for him.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2018 10:45

I think it's difficult when you have family members who want to take on care and others who don't because social services won't get involved if someone is doing it.

I have a colleague who literally martyrs herself for her horrible MIL and is constantly slagging off her SILs who don't want to be involved. If all the family agreed on involving carers there wouldn't be so much tension.

Original poster

pippa33568xx · 05/09/2018 11:09

If my uncle doesn't want to care fair enough ..does that stop him picking up the phone and asking about him?
Or visiting him?
He doesn't do anything.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 05/09/2018 11:14

If my uncle doesn't want to care fair enough ..does that stop him picking up the phone and asking about him?
Or visiting him?
He doesn't do anything.

Many many men are like this in afraid. Caring duties invariably fall on women.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2018 11:15

It depends on the relationship I guess but in the absence of anything serious I agree that it wouldn't kill your uncle to take an interest.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/09/2018 11:15

Leave it OP. You'll just torture yourself. He sounds like an arse but there is nothing you can do to change him or his behaviour. From here on in, look after yourself.

HoleyCoMoley · 05/09/2018 11:19

Try and let it go, they haven't helped you, they won't change. Your dear grandad has been so lucky to have you looking after him, it's time for you to have a rest, let the hospital help him now, spend your time together in peace.

Rudgie47 · 05/09/2018 11:26

What are you doing today Pippa to make this situation better for yourself? Have you told the Social Worker that your a struggling to cope?
You need to forget about your family and what they are not doing and concentrate on yourself now. If you carry on like this getting upset by their lack of support on top of everything else you are going to make yourself ill.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 11:32

I am pleased that he is getting the help that he needs, and that this is being taken off your shoulders. You need to put yourself first now! Do things for you!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 11:33

Is he going into a home now? Or hospice! He absolutely needs to, have you been open to the SW and told her you can't do it anymore.

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 11:37

Please don't feel guilty, OP, you've done all that you can and more. Surely you know that your grandfather wouldn't want you to be feeling like this? I agree you need to put the family out of your mind, they are not going to change.

Do you really need to keep going back to the hospital? He is being looked after now. Maybe you can give yourself the rest you deserve and need. You won't be doing anyone any favours if you make yourself seriously ill.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/09/2018 11:43

You can't make your uncle and aunts care. However, you can now step back and allow the professionals to help with a clear conscience. You have done more than many people would be able to manage. You have supported your DGD for as long as it was safe for you to do so. You should feel proud of yourself not guilty. Now it is OK to start to take care of yourself and plan your life.

callymarch · 05/09/2018 11:58

I remember your previous post OP, I have no practical advise to offer as have never been in your situation, but I do feel for you. You need to start looking after yourself, hope it goes well with the social worker. 💐

Mairyhinge · 05/09/2018 12:03

I hate to say this and point out bad things, but unless things are in place, financially, your lovely grandads house, money, possessions will go to his children. Not you, the one who deserves it.
I'm not prying but has he got his affairs in order? ( before the dementia really took hold?) do you have a lasting power of attorney?
When the time comes, and you have to say goodbye to him, be prepared for all these evil buggers to come at you with open hands, and sticky fingers, grabbing at whatever they can.
If there's no will then they will suddenly be overly interested in him, so you need to protect yourself in that way too.
Speak to social services and ask for guidance.
You sound very young and very lovely and I'd hate to read on here in a few months that the family have effectively taken everything from you.
Look after yourself, and be strong x

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/09/2018 12:23

Yes, Mairy - I suspect that you speak the truth. :(

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 12:26

Mairyhinge you have hit the nail on the head, and said what I have previously.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 12:28

They will, the vultures will come of the woodwork, unless you are in the will, as his next of kin, they will be entitled to his estate and any monies he had and posessions. They just seem like the CF who will screw you right over and you will be left with nothing, after caring for your granddad all these years.

MaryBoBary · 05/09/2018 14:17

OP I’m so glad your chat with the SW went well and they are getting a plan in place for him.

With regards to your uncle and aunts, their actions will be up to them to deal with when the time comes that your grandfather is not around anymore. Try not to worry yourself with them, but be content in the knowledge that you have done everything you could and more for your grandfather. It is very honourable you should never have any regrets as no one could ask for more from their grandchild

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 05/09/2018 14:46

Please make sure you have legal advice on this I suspect that what passes as your family will have no qualms about taking everything from you.
Make sure you speak to the SW and seek professional guidance and advice on this.

HoleyCoMoley · 05/09/2018 14:51

If I remember you looked after his post office account and there was no p,o.a. in place, as others have said be very careful around your family, speak to the citizens advice and the social worker, you do not want them qxxusing you of something, the hospital should be talking to his next of kin about his care plans too, I hope he is comfortable and you are looking after yourself.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.