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Original poster

To think my family are disgusting?

97 replies

pippa33568xx · 04/09/2018 13:09

I look after my grandad and I've been left to it for the last 10 plus years.
He has dementia.
My life has been a misery for years and I now have anxiety and depression.
I'm at grandads every day for around 10 hours.
On Sunday night he opened the door and got out (first time ever) telecare had my uncles number (off around 16 years ago even tho my uncle doesn't care for him and hasn't visited in 6 months even tho he lives 5 mins away ) I have 2 other aunts who won't help.
My uncle said there's nobody to look after him you will have to take him to hospital...my uncle went in ambulance and then left him after 20 mins in a&e as he was crying and screaming (the dementia)
I only found out when I got to grandads and he wasn't there,rang my uncle and he said he was showing me up so I left him.
He hasn't even rang to check on him.
I'm disgusted in my family
How could you leave him alone and not tell me then not even ring me or hospital to check on him.

OP posts:
deepsea · 04/09/2018 15:42

from

ChortleFace88 · 04/09/2018 15:44

I remember your last thread well.

And the advice from last time still stands. You need to fully make SS aware that you will NOT be doing this any more. Break down in front of them if you have to, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Speak to your doctor about your anxiety and depression so that it's on record.

Your aunts and uncle are revolting humans.

Effendi · 04/09/2018 15:47

I remember your other thread too.

You will be in hospital yourself if you don't get this sorted.
SS need to know that you can no longer provide care. Tell them, mean it and follow through. While you are doing it, they won't step in.

I know it's hard, you clearly love and care for your granda but it's time to stop.

Tartyflette · 04/09/2018 15:48

If you say you cannot look after him any longer and his own children also cannot or will not the hospital will not discharge him back to his own home, and it will be up to SS to find a care home for him.
Which will be the best thing not only for him it will be secure and he will be looked after but for you too.
Please believe me and don't feel guilty but it is an immense relief when an elderly relative with dementia who cannot safely live alone any longer goes into residential care.
The constant worry is lifted and you can visit them as often as you like, they will be fine. It's time to put your own health first. Flowers

Original poster
pippa33568xx · 04/09/2018 16:38

Il just add my uncle has always been the same.
The only time he bothered with my gran and grandad was when he wanted money for alcohol or when his wife kicked him out for falling over drunk.
My local aunt is the same ..drinks daily and my aunt abroad ...well she isn't as bad but loves her life and doesn't want the stress.
My uncle simply doesn't want the bother ..my grandad would give him his last penny and he got nothing in return.
Believe you and me my grandad is the loveliest man you could meet and is my world ..after my mum died he kept me sane.

OP posts:
agnurse · 04/09/2018 16:44

I can see both sides of it, TBH.

On the one hand, yes, they should probably help more. On the other hand, it's often very difficult to care for someone with dementia, as you've discovered yourself.

OP, are you taking ANY breaks? You MUST. It's not "abandoning him" to hire a respite carer for a few hours or a day every week or so. You NEED to make time for good self-care. If you don't, you won't be able to care for him anymore because you'll be too burned out.

Over time, as his needs increase, you may find that he needs to go into a facility. Again, that's not you abandoning him. That's you recognizing that his needs have increased to a point that it's not an option for you to care for him at home. My grandmother has reached this point. She has Alzheimer's and my mum's family placed her in a facility. Mum goes to see her at least once a week and some of Mum's siblings go to visit frequently as well.

I would strongly encourage that you consider your options based on what's best for your granddad and for you.

JellyBaby666 · 04/09/2018 16:46

Please tell the SW everything. It's not a failing on your part or that you don't love your grandad but your health is important too. Just ask for help, please.

Lizzie48 · 04/09/2018 17:07

I agree that you should tell the SW that you can't do look after your DGD anymore, OP. If you don't, they won't do anything. I know this because my DM has spent years taking care of my DB's needs (he has serious MH issues), and SS haven't done anything because she's always stepped in. She used to involve DH and me in this, but I've had to pull back, as I have 2 adopted DDs who are my priority and he used to get aggressive with them.

Sometimes you have to accept that you've done all you can and let the professionals take over.

Your family have been disgusting.

TwoOddSocks · 04/09/2018 17:08

I don't know how someone as nice as you came from such a horrible family. Flowers

formerbabe · 04/09/2018 17:13

On the one hand, yes, they should probably help more. On the other hand, it's often very difficult to care for someone with dementia, as you've discovered yourself

It's their parent so it's their responsibility to either care for him themselves or find appropriate outside care. I've never heard of grandchildren having to take on this role. If his children don't want to be his carer, then it is despicable to sit back and watch a younger member of the family forfeit their own life to look after him...they should have found appropriate carers/care home so that the op didn't have to do this. I can only imagine they prefer this set up because it is cheaper.

Sakura7 · 04/09/2018 17:19

Definitely tell the social worker that you can't do it anymore and you'd like your grandad assessed for residential care. People feel guilty about putting relatives in nursing homes but usually it's for the best. We had to move Dad into one a few months ago as he was getting up in the middle of the night trying to get out, he managed it once and was missing for several hours. The place he's in is really nice and he's well looked after, and has plenty of activities to keep him occupied. You need to take your life back. Your family should be ashamed letting you take on this burden on your own.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2018 18:15

It is clear that you love your granddad very much, and you giving your life to care for him shows here. However you need your life back too, and your granddads needs are more than you can manage yourself. As I said you need to hand back the reins to his next of kin to take responsibility. YOu have done over and above what you should have done, and your Aunt and Uncles' should be ashamed.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2018 18:16

agnurse granddad is their responsibility, not ops! She has done over and above everything. If they cannot care for him, they need to find residential care for their father.

Original poster
pippa33568xx · 05/09/2018 09:04

My aunt and uncle have never even popped to the shop for him so they wouldn't know what it's like caring for someone with dementia...they've never done it.
Last night was horrific at hospital,he was screaming and crying to go home.
I've been to sleep and woke up exhausted,totally drained,no appetite.
Wish I could just sleep all the time for an escape.
Il be up again at 2 till 4 then 6-8
The time I get back it's time to go back to hospital again.
I wish I didn't get so drained and emotional,I'm ridiculous.
Woke up this morning crying.
The guilt is overwhelming.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2018 09:08

OP you need to stop. I'm sure if your DGF was in his right mind he wouldn't want you to ruin your life over this. He needs proper care by people who can do it as a job and detach. This isn't sustainable and your DGF is not going to get better.

This sounds so hard and you need to look after yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 09:09

pippa333 you need to step back now, leave him at the hospital he is being cared for. Go home and spend time at home. Tell the staff that he has next of kin, and give them his details. You cannot care for him now, he sounds like he needs a much higher level of care than you can provide, and you will be looking at nursing home. Please put yourself and your needs first. YOu need to discuss nursing home with your SW and hospital, and with his next of kin. He will not get the help unless you step back, than they have to look after him.

You are enabling their bad behaviour, by taking the brunt of the care, sorry to be harsh, but you are. You are not allowing them to take responsibility for their dad. If you step back, they are going to have to. Either put him in nursing care, or care for him themselves.

Harrypotterfan1604 · 05/09/2018 09:10

How awful that your in this position without any support. You need to get some help, speak with the social worker and see what can be offered. He clearly needs some form of care.
I would without a doubt take care of my grandad full time but I’m a healthcare professional who knows I’d need to access services to support me through it.
Your grandad is very lucky that your so kind and caring but I’m quite sure if he were in his right mind he wouldn’t want to see you so stressed and giving up your life.
I really hope you get some help xx

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 09:11

It looks like he won't be able to cope at home, and SW and hospital will know this. Go home, and stay there. That's an order. Go shopping, or meet up with friends, or just relax, watch trashy tv and eat a take away whatever makes you relaxed.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2018 09:12

Oh and at night, stay at home, and get some good sleep. Your granddad, is being looked after, he does not need you there fussing and probably would not want you to get all anxious and stressed.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/09/2018 09:30

Please look after yourself. Your DGD is safe where he is so you can rest for now. I am sure he would not want you to put your life on hold to look after him. He looked after you so you could go out into the world and make your way. You have repaid him over and over. You should feel no guilt at all nor would he want you to I am sure.

It sounds like he needs an increasing level of care now and this is the perfect opportunity to try to get it in place. Please don't minimise the strain you have been under. It is better to get the care package in place now rather than waiting until you break from the pressure.

puffyisgood · 05/09/2018 09:34

10 hours a day is completely inappropriate for a grandchild. What about your own career & responsibilities?

AveABanana · 05/09/2018 09:38

He's in hospital? Well then have the day off. You need it.

You are wasting your life just so that your horrible uncle and aunts don't have to make an effort. Let the system take over and the SW sort out a care package that doesn't involve you. At all.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/09/2018 09:45

Ask the SW to arrange counselling for you.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/09/2018 09:45

From experience, I know just how stressful and exhausting looking after someone with dementia can be.

You absolutely must tell the social worker very firmly that you cannot do it any more. If they see you waver, they will very likely just want to send him home anyway. At the very least he needs carers calling in, if not a care home.

No grandchild should have to give up ten years of their life for dementia care.

Alas it is all too common for relatives who are 'too busy' or just CBA to do any of the caring, and leave it all to someone else, to resist paying for care, because they can't face seeing their inheritance dwindling away.

Please, OP, have a look at the Alzheimer's Society's website if you haven't already - lots of info/advice, and the Talking Point forum can be very helpful, not,least for offloading to others who know exactly what it's like. So few people who haven't lived with dementia have the faintest idea.

Original poster
pippa33568xx · 05/09/2018 10:08

They've told me he is in the final stages now and they are putting together a palliative care package.
The social worker made it clear she thought it was too much for me and said she would feel the same.
I got a bit upset and she told me I didn't need too.
She seemed nice enough

OP posts:
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