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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my family are disgusting?

97 replies

pippa33568xx · 04/09/2018 13:09

I look after my grandad and I've been left to it for the last 10 plus years.
He has dementia.
My life has been a misery for years and I now have anxiety and depression.
I'm at grandads every day for around 10 hours.
On Sunday night he opened the door and got out (first time ever) telecare had my uncles number (off around 16 years ago even tho my uncle doesn't care for him and hasn't visited in 6 months even tho he lives 5 mins away ) I have 2 other aunts who won't help.
My uncle said there's nobody to look after him you will have to take him to hospital...my uncle went in ambulance and then left him after 20 mins in a&e as he was crying and screaming (the dementia)
I only found out when I got to grandads and he wasn't there,rang my uncle and he said he was showing me up so I left him.
He hasn't even rang to check on him.
I'm disgusted in my family
How could you leave him alone and not tell me then not even ring me or hospital to check on him.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2018 14:15

Tell them yiu can't look after him anymore, here are his kids contact details. From yiur previous posts, you sound like you can't do it anymore and you have no life. By doing his care yiu are enabling his kids to be bug time CF and not take responsibility for his care. Either they sort out home care for him or do his care, or he goes into a home.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/09/2018 14:15

I second what others have said. Social services need to know you aren't coping or they won't do anything. Not had experience with dementia but when my late DGFs kept being hospitalised my DM had to start refusing to do the 10 hour round trips before any significant action was take

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/09/2018 14:16

Yes, I agree Pippa your family are disgusting. But some people are idle and/or uncaring. The one positive in all this is that you know quite well what is likely to happen once you are in a similar position of vulnerability. You'll be on yer own, chuck.

What has happened to your grandad offers you a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY. Once adult services get round to visiting you, you can make absolutely crystal-clear what effect being in sole charge has had on you and what you are prepared or not prepared to do any longer.

Please, please look after yourself and your own interests for once because no-one else will, I promise you,

Good luck!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/09/2018 14:19

I agree youre absolute .
However. Its Now more than over düe time that you were living your own life and putting yourself first. That's not being selfish that's just life.
I think about it. Your Grandad could be around for another 5 10 15 maybe even 20 years.

Lweji · 04/09/2018 14:23

First of all, big hug and .

You are quite right to feel angry and disappointed in your relatives, but (and speaking from experience) it's not good for your mental health. You can end up being consumed by this sense of injustice that they should be more caring towards your granddad.
It may well be better for you if you assume there is no other family and just not expect anything.

But, and I also agree with other pps, at some point you should put yourself first and make sure you get better yourself. It sounds like you need caring yourself, not being a carer.

diddl · 04/09/2018 14:26

Also, with the best will in the world, if you are no longer able to offer your Gdad the care that he needs, then even if you felt that you could carry on, for his sake it would be better to step down.

Chesntoots · 04/09/2018 14:29

I remember you too.

Please look after yourself. You need to give yourself permission to take a step back, if that makes sense?

If anything were to happen to you because you have made yourself ill, what would then happen to grandad? He would end up in emergency care. It is far better to sort this out now and get him settled, than have a panic on at the last minute.

We ended up doing this with my grandad and it was the best decision all round. The home where he went was lovely.

Gersemi · 04/09/2018 14:30

Please check that the social worker is carrying out a full care assessment and is going to draw up a care plan. Make it clear that you cannot continue providing the level of care that you have. Social services cannot force you to do so, and must put in place adequate care.

To be honest, if your grandfather's dementia is as serious as it sounds, I suspect you need to talk about him moving into a nursing home ASAP. Make it clear that there will be no-one to look after him if the comes out of hospital without an adequate care plan in place.

Lalliella · 04/09/2018 14:30

OP your post has made my cry. For you and for your grandad. You are a wonderful and amazing person to look after him like this. But you must get help, talk to your social worker. There are benefits you can apply for, for him and for you, that should help pay for extra care, and social services should help too. It shouldn’t all be down to you.

Oh and a massive YANBU and for you. You’re right, you’re family are disgusting.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2018 14:39

OP - my heart aches for you - please get as much help as you can, for both your Grandfather and for yourself.

You obviously love him very much - and I'm sure that he loves you, too. He would not want you to spend your young life - waste your young life - worrying about and caring for him to the detriment of your own health.

Your family sound like arseholes - but that doesn't mean that you have to struggle unsupported with a loved one with this very difficult and heartbreaking condition.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 04/09/2018 14:40

Everyone who is saying that the OP's family are disgusting. Maybe they have a reason not to visit. Or care. Don't automatically assume the DC are in the wrong. I would happily look after one parent but the other one can burn in hell as far as I care. It's hard to understand for people who have only known a loving family but there is almost always a reason for a bad relationship between DP and DC and don't automatically assume it's because the DC are 'disgusting'. My abusive P tells everyone what a horrible person I am for 'abandoning' them and I have no doubt lots of people believe them. But they weren't there for my entire youth when I was told I'm worthless, I shouldn't have been born, when I was beaten up on a regular basis, bitten, kicked and dragged by my hair. No one knows because for a long time I thought it was my fault. Going NC and therapy saved my life. Literally.

Don't be so quick to judge. There are always two sides to a story and abuse is a lot less rare than people think.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2018 14:42

I can totally understand that Life - but the one who's suffering most is the OP.

I had a relative who was a total shit to me and to my mother - but when push came to shove, I couldn't just dump the evil old cow on my siblings - she made all our lives hell - and I hope she's burning there now.

daughterofanarchy · 04/09/2018 14:43

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and the situation you are in with your dear grandad. I really hope you get some Practical help soon- you are doing something so wonderful in looking after your grandad when he is in such a bad way. You’re a true angel!

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 04/09/2018 14:47

Inheritance isn't important your health and your grandfather's is. It is joy your fault that your family are useless - would it actually hurt you if thy did cut contact if his assets have to be sold to care for him. Fine words mean nothing with no action they have proved they are worthless to you. You deserve far better than them.
Don't hold back to thr social worker and don't sell yourself short. Take care of yourself OP

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/09/2018 14:57

At this point, your grandad deserves professional care and you deserve a life. Tell the SW that you cannot provide the care he needs any more because it is beyond your capacity. He is, at this stage, better off in proper care. Please do believe this.

kateandme · 04/09/2018 15:00

they aren't going to change.so let them go.at some point anger and not forgivng the emotions you have for them and their disgusting behaviour only keeps you in this trapped bitterness.and you wont be able to move from it.they have to live with who they are not you.
now is about wher you go from here and what you can do to help yourself and him and make life liable and heaven forbi enjoyable for the both of you in the best way you can.
no guilt no shame.you love him.you can still do that with the proper help.infact youll be able to give him better love.more love.becasue you will be rested.un weighted.you will be freed of some fo the stresses you shouldn't hold alone.so you can just be his family and someone who loves him dearly.

NoFucksImAQueen · 04/09/2018 15:00

I remember your last thread about your useless aunts who refused to help out. this may be a blessing in disguise, now that social workers are involved you may get a break. you need to stop taking this all on by yourself

Rudgie47 · 04/09/2018 15:02

OP your grandad needs to go into a EMI nursing home where they are qualified to look after him and meet his needs. Please don't be struggling by yourself with him, its not your responsibility. Tell the Social Worker you cant go on like this. Don't expect your family to ever step up they have shown you who they are .

You are going to have to be firm and stand your ground, because otherwise your life will be wasted. Basically your family are allowing you to do all this care so that they can keep the house when he dies.Dont let them use you like this, be strong.

AnoukSpirit · 04/09/2018 15:20

I remember your last thread.

I'm really sad you're still in this situation.

All the advice given to you last time still stands. Until you make it crystal clear to social services that you can no longer act as his carer and will be ceasing to do so this will continue.

I thought you were going to do that the last time you posted? What happened?

keefthebeef · 04/09/2018 15:22

Your family are a disgrace. Take care of yourself op.

Iwantaunicorn · 04/09/2018 15:33

I also remember your last thread, and I’m so sorry things haven’t improved. Your family still are disgusting.

I really wish you luck with the social worker, take care of yourself 💐

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2018 15:35

To get your Aunts and Uncles to take responsibility, you need to relinquish yours. It is evident from your previous posts that you have no life, and this is depressing you. You are amazing, providing care for your granddad for 10 years, whilst sacrificing your happiness and life. If you do not want to do this anymore, you have to tell SS and hospital, you also have to give your Aunts' and Uncles' contact details, as formally, they are his next of kin anyway. So they will have to be responsible for him, whether they like it or not. They are massive piss takers, and you have been doing them a big favour for so long. Time to look after yourself op.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2018 15:36

It sounds like your granddad may well need a nursing home anyway because of the dementia. So his next of kin will have to sort that out.

HoleyCoMoley · 04/09/2018 15:37

I remember your post too, aren't there two aunts, one local, one overseas. Maybe your dear g.d. is in the best place at the moment, he can be properly assessed and you can get a break, wait for the hospital to sort things out for him. Take care if yourself.

deepsea · 04/09/2018 15:42

I remember you before. This has been a long time coming.

I sincerely hope you get some proper support and care in place. You need a break and to get your own life and health back in a good place.

Your family are disgusting. Leave them to their own consciences. Focus entirely on yourself and getting well. This is what your Grandad would want if he was in a position to tell you himself, that and thank you you have been an angel I suspect.

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