About to start IVF for long-wanted baby but scared of life as I know it being ‘over’

[pickledginger1]

Hello everyone, I would love some advice if possible please. DH and I have been trying for kids for 3 years now, to no avail. He is 41 to my 34. We are due to start IVF this weekend (I will start by taking progynova tablets for ten days). I want to say from the off that I am enormously grateful and relieved to finally be starting the IVF, and incredibly grateful that we are lucky enough to get three free rounds where we live. This is beyond amazing. However, whilst I have always wanted children, the selfish part of me loves my life as it currently is, and the freedom to go away, have my house as I want it, spend my disposable income on frivolous things like clothes, eating out etc. – and I have this awful, shameful feeling that life as I know it will be ‘over’ if I get pregnant and have a baby. I still desperately want a baby but am scared. And this feels ungrateful and wrong. I am also worried about really, really wanting a glass of wine here and there as I do the IVF (and if I get pregnant). Obviously I won’t during the IVF at least, because I don’t want to risk not giving the IVF the best possible chance, but I am worried that I will be miserable without the odd glass, it’s one of my greatest simple pleasures in life. I realise how selfish this sounds. I also am worried about putting on weight, as for the first time in my adult life I am finally happy with my figure, and it’s taken a lot of hard work and dieting / exercise to get here. Again, I realise this sounds selfish. But I am just so conflicted. Has anyone here had similar feelings? Also, has anyone here taken progynova and how did it make you feel? Sorry and thank you for any advice. I don’t feel like I can speak to my DH about this as I don’t want him to feel like I am not taking the whole process seriously. Thank you for reading.

You can’t have it all.
The feelings you have are white unusual for IVF. Have you had any counselling?

quite

Ivf veteran. Highly recommend you post on fertilityfriends.co.uk rather aibu.

This isn't a good place to post that.

I don’t think it’s unusual for anyone to have similar feelings when TTC. You’re swapping a life you enjoy and relish for the total unknown... for a lot of women this change happens in a much simpler way as they can conceive naturally but your journey is one where you have to actively take those steps to move forward and the unknown is daunting!

I’m 20 weeks and already lamenting the cruises I can’t go on anymore (not that I ever did have a cruise) and the major changes to my lifestyle. But I’m happy in the knowledge that I’m making this step into the unknown and that life may change but I know it will change for the better. Just because it’s something I wanted badly for a long time doesn’t mean it’s any less scary when you get to make the journey.

OP I have had a lot of the same feelings as you. I'd maintained a fit, healthy lifestyle although I'm prone to weight gain (hormone issues, insulin resistance etc) so it was hard work, we have a number of holidays each year, and because I'd been diagnosed with fertility issues we'd discussed what we'd do if children were not possible, we talked about travel, a holiday home etc. When we decided to TTC I was advised by consultant to come off all hormones, let my body adjust and we'd be referred for treatment later in the year. I fell pregnant in five weeks. I was so conflicted, it's what what I'd said I wanted, and still do, but I felt like I could see my life as I know it slipping away. My new national senior level secondment would have to finish, I know my career will suffer from mat leave and being more restricted about working away from home, my figure has gone to pot (I'm not Pippa Middleton, pretty look at my little bump pregnant, I'm vast). I look back at our wedding and honeymoon pictures from less than a year ago and wonder if that carefree person will ever get a chance to come back. But and it's a big one, feeling the kicks get stronger, planning the nursery, feeling how DH and I are even closer than we were before (which I didn't think was possible) makes me realise my life will be different but that doesn't mean worse. Because we're a bit older we're in a comfortable financial position, we're lucky to have family support, we have a lovely family sized home. Having children doesn't mean you don't exist as a person anymore, I will be going back to work full time, and we're already making plans for a holiday next year with baby and other family, I will not martyr myself to a life of domestic drudgery and Butlins which I would quickly grow to resent, but that doesn't mean I won't give everything I've got to being a parent too.

I hear you OP, but to put it bluntly - IVF could well be a longer process, and even if it isn’t, pregnancy is. You will have time to acclimatise to the idea of the baby and your changing shape.
Basically it comes down to - do you want a baby or not. If you do, start now. There will be sacrifices but if you feel anything like I did, you will let those go.
Good luck

I'm 34 too btw

It may be that you're mentally preparing yourself for the IVF failing, reminding yourself of all the things you enjoy about childless life.

Plus parenthood is a big scary thing, with a lot of sacrifice - a bit of trepidation can be very normal, I think, even for those having fertility treatment.

You don't sound emotionally ready to be doing IVF.

You need to be 100% committed and invested in the long haul to be able to honestly give it your best shot and cope with what could be years of ups and downs and much heartache.

You'd be better moving over to the infertility board rather than AIBU, but be aware your post could be sensitive for anyone who has been through years of unsuccessful fertility treatment and would give their arm or leg for the chance at a family, not be resenting giving up the odd glass of wine here or there for three rounds of free fertility treatment.

Another veteran here. I don't think this is unusual. You've been trying for 3 years! Now, the process is so complicated you're almost required to show (yourself and others) you "want it more". You must really really want a baby, because you're going to such lengths, right? You have to be happy and grateful because yay, technology! and yay for free services where you live!! Except...not.

You feel as ambiguous as anyone who's got up the duff the first month they started trying. Lots of people are unsure, they shag, get the blue line, and whoops!! off they go on the rollercoaster. No time for regrets. They move through this stage in a matter of weeks.

Infertility robs you of a normal pregnancy, even when assisted conception works. Don't worry about your feelings, you have a right to feel conflicted. You have been living with the conflict of this stage for much much longer than most people do. You're artificially stuck at a point of worry - hovering between hope and fear and excitement.

Plus, you have to know in the back of your head that maybe it will not work and you might not have children. Therefore you are protecting yourself emotionally just in case.

Have all the treats that go with IVF (not booze) and be kind to yourself and I hope everyone else on here has the empathy to be kind also.

Thanks everyone, am totally new to mumsnet so wasn't sure where would be the best place to post something like this but will take on board. Thanks for some of the reassuring comments. I haven't had counselling because I am worried that if I try and get it on the NHS they might not let me go ahead with the IVF - this might be totally unfounded though?! I don't want them to think I don't want a baby, because that's not true, I definitely do! I suppose it's partly because we have been waiting for it to start for over a year, and up until now it's all been a bit sort of abstract, and we've largely carried on our lives as normal. Now that it's actually time, it just feels like a bit of a hard stop, and I don't personally know anyone who's gone through it (or at least not that I know of) and I am worried that the hormones will make me feel all over the place (am v emotional at the best of times). Once I start the IVF there is a counselling service so I will make use of that. Also I realise the important difference between 'over' and 'different' - I'm sure life will be better in many respects, for the reasons some of the above posters mention (new challenge, closer to partner etc.) I guess I am now just feeling a bit like 'arrggh' can't believe the time is actually here, will I ever be ready?! type thing. I guess no one ever feels totally ready right? But you have to go with the flow! Thanks all.

I think you should get your thread moved to a different board, OP.

Pregnancy was fine for me and I had been a big drinker previously. There are now tons of low alc or non alc drinks to enjoy. But protecting your unborn baby will become the paramount concern for you. It happens fairly naturally.

Very best of luck

How would you feel if you were told you couldn't have ivf? Might be worth thinking about.

@Fredkites - you've made me cry (thank you - in a good way). You've nailed it exactly. I really appreciate your words. I'll stop now, but thank you to everyone who has commented, it is interesting to see all your thoughts. Perhaps I am not truly ready but I equally don't want to give this amazing opportunity up, and I realise it is possibly only the very beginning of a much, much longer journey. Sorry - one last housekeeping question - is 'AIBU' for lighter stuff? Am very new to all this. Thank you again.

I think worrying about being ready is very normal and of course with struggling to TTC you have had longer than most to think about it so it probably looms larger for you than for many.

Your life won't be the same and you will have to sacrifice a lot but you will have a new life and most parents prefer the new life IME. I really struggled with the first year and thought my life was over but now I have a toddler I love it. I love that having a child has encouraged DH and I to explore our local area more. I love that Christmas is magical again. I love weekend cuddles in bed chatting about all sorts of random stuff.

I agree that having someone impartial to talk it through with could be a good thing :)

OP I felt very conflicted when I became pregnant with our much wanted (and now much adored) 3rd DC. As soon as I saw the blue line I panicked. Wondered why I'd been so intent on a 3rd child. Mourned for my career and life which was just getting back on track after the first two. The feelings lasted until I began to share the news of my pregnancy and everyone was so happy for us.

In hindsight I think I was protecting myself. I had had two miscarriages before the successful pregnancy and I think I was subconsciously preparing for the worst in case it happened again.

Things are never black and white, and feelings can be confusing. Good luck with your journey.

@Fredkites well said

We're 9 years into TTC and I have only in the last 3 months started to get my shit together in terms of diet to get into a position of being able to have fertility treatment. I'm in a great place career wise and DH and I travel lots, go out when we like etc etc I have this huge gape for a baby but I'm also terrified of having a baby and I suppose ideaolise the life we have now.

I think to some degree this is perfectly normal and an instinctive protective measure if that makes sense?

Good luck with the treatment

I felt torn like you did before having IVF. I would miss my life, my freedom, the fabulous holidays etc.

On the other hand my heart absolutely broke when I saw scan pictures on Facebook and I felt as though I was being left behind.

I delayed ivf for about 18 months as I wasn’t ready, had one failed cycle then a successful one. Even though I cried with happiness when I found out I was pregnant I was also terrified too!

Pregnancy was fairly straightforward. First month of DD’s life was the hardest month of my life. But truly she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I was never a maternal/baby loving type before having her. It can be monotonous at times but I wouldn’t change it.

I don’t feel as though my life is over. I have a few drinks a week but honestly, you don’t feel up to binge boozing with a baby and sleep deprivation. Some of the things like exotic holidays etc will go on hold for now but it’s not forever. I was 37 when I had her so I did a lot of “living” before in the years of TTC and don’t resent having a quieter life for a while.

Good luck with the process and hopefully you get some support in real life too, or try the infertility boards.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate all of your comments.

I wonder if you're partly displacing anxieties. I do that. I think lots of people do even without the IVF side of things - you get a positive test and, even if it's a much-wanted baby and you're delighted, there's always a side order of 'argh, WTF have I done?!". I think it's Nature's way of making you begin to come to terms with the fact life will change. Otherwise we'd all have one hell of a come-down on the post-labour ward!

I had similar feelings to you around having kids - I don't think it's at all uncommon to have feelings of "is this going to be too much of a sacrifice" when TTC but once you end up at IVF a lot of people - healthcare professionals included - expect you to be absolutely desperate to have a baby at all costs. It's mince - you can still do IVF and be ambivalent, it's just a process, it's not like they have to amputate something!

None of us can tell you if it's going to be worth it. As for anyone TTC, a lot will depend on your circumstances - how easy will it be to return to work if you're planning to do that (childcare that fits/you can afford, job security of you and your DH), whether you have family support or enough money to buy support, how proactive your DH is in sharing the load. That's on the side of "what will it cost you". On the side of the reward, I would say try to imagine a 4 year old or a 9 year old or an adult son or daughter coming by your house. If that's something that you really want, then the work in the early days will be justified.

I felt exactly like you did when I started my ivf. I had spent so many years trying to get pregnant that when it suddenly became a reality I was terrified. Two children in and I wouldn't change my life for anything. Don't panic

As IVF is unsuccessful more often than not, just go with it. If it works I'm sure you'll be delighted, if it doesn't you've lost nothing and can plan a different sort of life.

Incidentally what you are thinking/feeling is not at all unusual for people hoping for a baby, IVF or not! Having a child does mean big lifestyle changes and when it is at the stage of actively trying, all thoughts loom large.

Please relax and try not to worry. What will be will be.