About to start IVF for long-wanted baby but scared of life as I know it being ‘over’

[pickledginger1]

Hello everyone, I would love some advice if possible please. DH and I have been trying for kids for 3 years now, to no avail. He is 41 to my 34. We are due to start IVF this weekend (I will start by taking progynova tablets for ten days). I want to say from the off that I am enormously grateful and relieved to finally be starting the IVF, and incredibly grateful that we are lucky enough to get three free rounds where we live. This is beyond amazing. However, whilst I have always wanted children, the selfish part of me loves my life as it currently is, and the freedom to go away, have my house as I want it, spend my disposable income on frivolous things like clothes, eating out etc. – and I have this awful, shameful feeling that life as I know it will be ‘over’ if I get pregnant and have a baby. I still desperately want a baby but am scared. And this feels ungrateful and wrong. I am also worried about really, really wanting a glass of wine here and there as I do the IVF (and if I get pregnant). Obviously I won’t during the IVF at least, because I don’t want to risk not giving the IVF the best possible chance, but I am worried that I will be miserable without the odd glass, it’s one of my greatest simple pleasures in life. I realise how selfish this sounds. I also am worried about putting on weight, as for the first time in my adult life I am finally happy with my figure, and it’s taken a lot of hard work and dieting / exercise to get here. Again, I realise this sounds selfish. But I am just so conflicted. Has anyone here had similar feelings? Also, has anyone here taken progynova and how did it make you feel? Sorry and thank you for any advice. I don’t feel like I can speak to my DH about this as I don’t want him to feel like I am not taking the whole process seriously. Thank you for reading.

These are exactly the same thoughts I had when ttc, certainly with the second! I love my lifestyle and having a couple of glasses with friends and I'd just lost two stone (which has now gone back on at 20 weeks.) I think it's completely normal, your life will change while pregnant and beyond and that's daunting, it doesn't mean you don't want a baby. Btw with the wine, you won't miss it as much as you think as you won't fancy it for the first few months and then you just get used to it. And you can always have the odd sneaky glass as long as you stick to the 1-2 unit limit once a week. I never feel like it though, it's just not the same.

Think about how you would feel if it doesn't work. It sounds like you are assuming it will. 3 rounds, you are very lucky. To be worrying about alcohol and weight seems a tad immature for someone whose fertility issues mean they need IVF.

We had ivf, and whilst I didn't have your feelings I can see that this is a defense mechanism - you are protecting yourself against the possibility it won't work.
I highly recommend acupuncture - it's calming and it definitely helps your body get ready for ivf and all that means.
Best of luck.

I conceived naturally and felt like this from the minute I realised I might be pregnant, I think it's quite normal and just shows that you are taking the commitment seriously.

Good luck ❤️

Completely normal in my view too. I felt quite down in the first trimester of my first pregnancy for all the reasons you listed- too ill and tired to exercise or perform well at work, non existent social life as too tired to be bothered, missed enjoying a drink (although too sick to fancy it), spent weekends sleeping and felt quite depressed about my life being over. It was all short lived and I felt so much better by mid way through the second trimester. I’m pregnant again with my second and I’m much less upset to be missing out on life now as I’ve gone through the major adjustment already. Very best of luck with the ivf. I’m not surprised you’re feeling reticent and daunted, it’s such a huge deal.

Re losing your figure I think that's age sadly - my childfree friends don't look any different to those of us that had kids now we all early 40s.

Re losing your figure I think that's age sadly - my childfree friends don't look any different to those of us that had kids now we all early 40s.

I think that's true, and one of the advantages of having a baby a bit later - you probably already have seen some changes in your body so you know you won't keep the figure you had in your early 20s forever whatever you do.

I do understand your fear about IVF affecting your figure even if it's unsuccessful. I put on some weight when I was going through back-to-back miscarriages (three in six months) - they were all so early that I can't really blame the hormones as much as me eating my feelings, but it did feel shit to look worse with no baby to show for it. All I can say is again that it was still worth it to try for me, but again you have to weigh it up for yourself.

Thank you again everyone for the responses. I just want to reiterate how enormously grateful and lucky I am to be given the opportunity to even do the IVF - and for free (3 times). I realise that many don't get anywhere near this opportunity and simply by virtue of my postcode, I have lucked out here. I do not take it for granted. I think perhaps as some posters suggest though, I am subconsciously preparing myself for it to not work, and for each attempt to edge me closer to knowing either way. It's last-chance saloon type thing. So I guess I'm trying to console myself with the thought that actually, my life is pretty great right now. If it stays like this, I hope I could be happy. It's more the thought of ten years down the line, I think I will feel a massive, gaping chasm of emptiness and longing if I can't have children. I suppose I try to bury these thoughts and push them to the recesses of my mind most of the time. Re: the body weight stuff - it's not like I even have a particularly amazing body, never have done, but bizarrely, at 34, I happen to feel the most body confident I ever have done (mainly due to taking up exercise and it yielding results) - it's given me a real spring in my step - and selfishly I don't want to lose that feeling. But of course, if I were to fall pregnant, a few extra pounds are totally immaterial to my happiness, if that makes sense. Thank you all again for the good luck messages and next time I start a convo, it'll be over on the correct boards.