About to start IVF for long-wanted baby but scared of life as I know it being ‘over’

[pickledginger1]

Hello everyone, I would love some advice if possible please. DH and I have been trying for kids for 3 years now, to no avail. He is 41 to my 34. We are due to start IVF this weekend (I will start by taking progynova tablets for ten days). I want to say from the off that I am enormously grateful and relieved to finally be starting the IVF, and incredibly grateful that we are lucky enough to get three free rounds where we live. This is beyond amazing. However, whilst I have always wanted children, the selfish part of me loves my life as it currently is, and the freedom to go away, have my house as I want it, spend my disposable income on frivolous things like clothes, eating out etc. – and I have this awful, shameful feeling that life as I know it will be ‘over’ if I get pregnant and have a baby. I still desperately want a baby but am scared. And this feels ungrateful and wrong. I am also worried about really, really wanting a glass of wine here and there as I do the IVF (and if I get pregnant). Obviously I won’t during the IVF at least, because I don’t want to risk not giving the IVF the best possible chance, but I am worried that I will be miserable without the odd glass, it’s one of my greatest simple pleasures in life. I realise how selfish this sounds. I also am worried about putting on weight, as for the first time in my adult life I am finally happy with my figure, and it’s taken a lot of hard work and dieting / exercise to get here. Again, I realise this sounds selfish. But I am just so conflicted. Has anyone here had similar feelings? Also, has anyone here taken progynova and how did it make you feel? Sorry and thank you for any advice. I don’t feel like I can speak to my DH about this as I don’t want him to feel like I am not taking the whole process seriously. Thank you for reading.

AIBU isn’t necessarily light hearted, there’s just more straight talking on here... sometimes people being damn right mean to be honest.

Of course there are also lovely people too which is what i’m Pleased to see you’ve got!

Thank you so much everyone. It has made me feel better coming on here and reading the many insightful, thoughtful responses. Most kind and appreciated.

It's scary to start IVF because it's the last resort. It's easier to have your old life as someone who doesn't have children but might have them one day than to potentially start the process that can leave you as a person who never had children.
For us, the failure first time round cured us of conflicting feelings. I don't wish it on you, but it can have a silver lining.
(The 2nd and 5th tries worked.)

I think that's totally normal OP. Parenthood isn't 100pc better in every respect than not having kids especially if you enjoy your current life and job, and there are things you will miss. For a few years anyway. City breaks. Being spontaneous. Late meals. Booze. Going to the cinema. A clean house. Interesting long haul holidays. Binge watching TV series on a weekend. Being able to stay late and travel with work. You're allowed to mourn your old life. Any big change to lifestyle can be stressful.

I think you're just being realistic and therefore will probably cope better once the baby is there. I think people struggle more with parenthood when they imagine it''s all cuddles and cuteness. Good luck!

I can't answer for the feelings of missing out and losing your figure (I don't really have one of those!), but it is probably just nerves and you will adjust quickly.

I've often thought the doubts are probably more common in IVF couples because we spend so long ttc. If you fell pregnant naturally within a couple of months of starting you would have had to adjust quickly and would have. After this many years and knowing you have to have the treatment to get pregnant it gives you a lot more time to think and dwell on it.

You know in your heart it is what you want and whilst your life will be different it will be amazing. Good luck and fingers crossed for you.

I don't think it's that unusual. You can't just get a bit casual with contraception and see what happens - with fertility treatment you are taking a big step.

I had ivf and was successful (eventually). I had the odd glass of wine during my cycles and my pregnancy. I miss couples holidays. The effects on my career and my body have not been positive. But I love my daughter so much it was all worth it. You don't have to be some 100% baby focused earth mother to do ivf.

These sound like the feelings so many women or men have when they are starting trying to conceive - via whatever route. You are leaping into the unknown! It’s easy and natural to analyse and overanalyse.

I don’t know anyone who didn’t have some reservations when starting this process in whatever form - IVF or otherwise.

I only tried for about half as long as you have OP, and didn't have fertility treatment (though had some miscarriages along the way) and I can identify with how you feel. I found that every month I didn't get pregnant I tried to console myself with all the things I could do (get drunk, go on a work trip, etc.) and it left me feeling more and more conflicted. I had time to turn my fear that I wouldn't be a good mother from vague thought to huge source of anxiety. Every story about fertility seemed to feature a woman who had always wanted to be a mother and nothing else - but that wasn't me, I wanted a child but it wasn't my sole dream/identity. I started to worry I didn't want it enough, and that that's why it didn't happen. When I miscarried (always v early) I worried both that I was making too big a deal of it and at the same time that I wasn't upset enough. It's exhausting. I felt that if I'd just conceived and carried to term easily I would have felt conflicted but just got on with it - as it was it felt like I had so much time to dwell and worry. I obsessively read stories of people who regretted becoming parents, even as I obsessed daily over my fear that I never would.

@Pickledginger1 Tue 04-Sep-18 11:57:36
Thanks everyone, am totally new to mumsnet so wasn't sure where would be the best place to post something like this but will take on board. Thanks for some of the reassuring comments. I haven't had counselling because I am worried that if I try and get it on the NHS they might not let me go ahead with the IVF - this might be totally unfounded though?! I don't want them to think I don't want a baby, because that's not true, I definitely do! I suppose it's partly because we have been waiting for it to start for over a year, and up until now it's all been a bit sort of abstract, and we've largely carried on our lives as normal. Now that it's actually time, it just feels like a bit of a hard stop, and I don't personally know anyone who's gone through it (or at least not that I know of) and I am worried that the hormones will make me feel all over the place (am v emotional at the best of times). Once I start the IVF there is a counselling service so I will make use of that. Also I realise the important difference between 'over' and 'different' - I'm sure life will be better in many respects, for the reasons some of the above posters mention (new challenge, closer to partner etc.) I guess I am now just feeling a bit like 'arrggh' can't believe the time is actually here, will I ever be ready?! type thing. I guess no one ever feels totally ready right? But you have to go with the flow! Thanks all.

Does your work have one of those employee assistance telephone lines? They can provide counselling that is completely confidential.

Generally you won't put on any fat apart from approx. 5-7ish pounds which tends to go on the bum/thighs and is laid down for breastfeeding. The rest is all baby/placenta/amniotic fluid/extra blood and is just temporary

I really wouldn't worry about putting on lots of weight if you're a fit and healthy weight - 99% of those people who put on e.g. 2 stone of non-baby related fat overeat and that's why. I'm 8 months right now and honestly I look the same asides from ever-so-slightly thicker arms and legs - I was a little concerned too, but I've just eaten as I normally do and it's been fine.

I will admit that in the newborn and toddler stages life was very, very different, but it does all come back you know! DS is 8 and I've been me for a long time now; job, figure, nights out, holidays. It's all good again.

Jesus, pandarific - what a judgemental post! I also didn't put on much pregnancy weight and lost it fast, but that's in large part luck - I did put on a lot in the first trimester, when I felt sick whenever I was hungry, but not much afterwards. Some women feel like that the whole way through.

In any case, the brutal fact is that OPs body may change. I now weigh what I did prepregnancy, but I carry it differently - I lost my bum and gained a stomach. I have stretch marks, mostly on my breasts (so not really weight gain related). It's not realistic to say that her body will definitely be unchanged - it may or may not be, and she's not in total control of which it'll be. What I can say is that I'd take my changed body for my baby 1000 times over.

Thank you all again, honestly it's so reassuring to hear that I am not alone in having these conflicting feelings (which result in a sense of guilt / shame). My work does have one of those services, never crossed my mind to actually use it, but that's what I'll do. A lot of what's been said here really resonates in terms of perhaps I am subconsciously preparing for the IVF to not work and maybe I'm bigging up my current life so that if I can't have children, I won't feel as bereft or empty. There is a sense of finality to starting the IVF process - although it may be a long road ahead (years even) it does feel as though, potentially, each cycle is a step closer to knowing either way whether we'll have kids or not. DH has been really good at saying things like "well, if we can't have kids, we'll go on loads of holidays" so I feel well supported by him. But i know it would break our hearts to be told or to know, definitively, that kids won't happen for us. Thank you for all the wishes of good fortune!! What will be, will be, and either way, kids or no kids, I see that it's possible to maintain one's own sense of self / identity eventually. You are all very wise!

Re: the body / figure stuff. The comments here have made me question what it is I really feel about this, and I guess it boils down to: if I have a baby, I won't mind at all. It will be worth it. I was more concerned that the IVF drugs alone might cause me to gain a lot of weight, and my thinking is that if I don't end up pregnant, that would just add to the overall frustration. Hope that clarifies.

It’s not unreasonable to be a bit anxious and even sad to see life as you currently know it change completely and wonder if you’ll ever have the same freedoms!

I’m similar age to you OP and have a 5 month old. I’ll be honest, I missed wine! But it’s not forever and as a PP says there are some good alcohol free drinks (and some awful ones)

My figure is 98% back to what it was. I ended up having an emergency csection so have a scar. It ended up infected so I have a bit of a lump on one side on my previously washboard flat stomach. It’s a little reminder of my daughter and really doesn’t matter.

Our social life has taken a nosedive but we did plenty of living before we had a baby. We have had a few nights out too when her Grandparents have helped out. You don’t have to write off having a life outside of your baby and I don’t think anyone should.

I’ll be honest and say I’ve had good days and some awful days. I’ve worked since I left school so maternity leave has been a massive culture shock. Some days my daughter is grouchy - yesterday it’s was pouring down rain so I didn’t leave the house and just had a tedious cycle of nappy change-feed-entertain-get baby to sleep-console baby-put washing through. But then other days I’ll meet a friend and catch up and the day will be lovely.

I often wonder what I did before my daughter but the answer is “nothing important”. You adapt, you change. You can still have your own identity and hobbies, you just have something else on top of all that.

I wish you the very best of luck OP

Some people are lucky and ping back into shape. Others not so much. Look around your mum friends and some don't look like they've had a baby and some do. I look mainly the same with clothes on (can't wear anything as clingy as before maybe) but different naked. But not many people see me naked. It does make me a bit sad for my pre baby body but then I guess we all get older and saggier etc. I worried about it loads when I was pregnant though. To the point of weighing myself all the time and doing graphs of how much weight I'd put on above what I was supposed to. I don't know why I don't care as much now. Maybe I'm just too tired and occupied with other things. Also trying to set example to my daughters that appearance doesn't matter too much. But I honestly don't care as much as I thought I would. I just wear a swimming costume at the beach now instead of a bikini

@MargaretCavendish it wasn't meant to be a judgemental post! More reassuring to the op - she said she was worried about putting on lots of weight, not that her body might change which of course it might. What I perhaps expressed badly is that even in pregnancy, overeating (I mean this clinically, not judgmentally, lots more calories than you need) is why you would put on 'lots of' non-baby related fat (vs a bit your body decides is for BF), and if you're generally a normal weight and eat pretty closely to how you normally do it's not likely to happen automatically just by virtue of being pregnant.

I felt same. Then I got pregnant and was happy. Then MC and felt sad. It’s a mixed bag, your feelings aren’t wrong, it’s about you moving from one phase of your life to another. You’ll have a renewed sense of freedom in about 18 years! Good luck x

From the other side - I'm childfree. I never want children nor do I ever intend to even try having children. If my partner wants children in the future, we will both have to make a decision to either stay together childfree or break up.

There's no way I would ever even consider trying for IVF and I've never had a desire for children. You're just facing a huge, difficult unknown right now and your life will be in limbo for a while as you go through treatment - I'm sure you'll be happy if you (hopefully) get pregnant! You'll have 9 months to come to terms with it and find out what you're willing to stop.

I think your feelings are perfectly natural and normal OP, after all you have had a lot of time to think about it unlike someone who has become pregnant accidentally or after a couple of months of trying. All the best with the IVF

Pop over to the infertility board, I'm likely to be starting ivf in the new year and I get what you are saying. I realised I'm terrified it's not going to work at the moment I'm in a limbo land I know I want a family more than anything but I don't want the pain of disappointment if it fails

Yes the IVF drugs may well change your figure, they are hormones after all and come with side effects, which is hard to predict to what level they may affect you.

It is all part and parcel of the process. If you're going down this route you need to take the rough with the smooth. Yes we all want the prize of a healthy baby at the end but that's not always the case, so a mindset where you take it all on, irrespective of the outcome, and can still be glad you did it is important.

I seem to be alone in my view but you are coming across as somewhat shallow and ungrateful for the journey you are about to embark on. You're trying to make a new life against the odds of infertility FFS, not win a beauty contest.

I think you are seriously underestimating what some people have to go through on this journey and the sacrifices they make.

@pickledginger1 I think these feelings are totally normal (although I can't speak to IVF as we conceived naturally). I felt exactly like this too before we conceived. I loved my life! Living in London, out all the time to fancy restaurants, theatre, nightclubs etc. All the exotic long haul holidays, impromptu city breaks. I travelled with work in what people consider to be a glamorous industry. I was very very lucky!

I remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and thinking what have we done, I'm not ready for this. But I adore my son (8 months) - he's the most amazing thing to happen to me.

Maternity leave has been great and I'm back to work soon. We didn't do loads of classes etc and just hung out with friends and spent time together.

Travelling doesn't have to end. We're currently on our 4th holiday of the year (DS doesn't know how lucky he is) - 2 longhaul and 2 Europe. I'm aware that we are lucky but travelling with a baby is pretty easy - I think it gets more challenging/expensive when they get older!

You can also still make time for days/nights out etc if you have willing family/friends to babysit or can afford a babysitter. We've been out a fair amount and DS is definitely more chilled with 'strangers' than some of my friends babies which is helpful for him starting nursery.

I also like a glass of wine and did have the odd drink when I was pregnant (after the first 3 months). You might not want to do that given the IVF but the 9 (actually more like 10) months goes pretty quickly and some people go off the taste of alcohol anyway. I certainly didn't fancy it as much. You can make nice non alcoholic cocktails with seedlip.

Best of luck with the IVF and try not to worry too much. Yes life will change but you can still do lovely things, just with another little person who will melt your heart when they see the new things you're showing them.

@PickledGinger1 it’s totally normal to feel a sense of unease especially when the stakes are as high as IVF. And like you say there’s an element of self-preservation in trying to think of any positive elements around unsuccessful treatment.

You’re right to be honest and frank about how you feel and ou should continue to express your feelings. Too many women who go through IVF have that pressure to feel grateful for everything, even when it’s things that any parent to be or parent would worry, vent or moan about. Difficult pregnancy? You should feel grateful to be pregnant. Difficult birth? You should be grateful your baby is here safely. Baby having trouble feeding? Be grateful you have a baby to feed...you get the gist. It’s so dangerous and the constant pressure to be the happy mum at all costs can take a huge toll on mental and physical health.

FWIW life does change but it is great, and you’ll hopefully still get chances to still be you and have that tiny bit of freedom (don’t feel you need to be seen as the mum who can’t possibly leave your baby with anyone, because IVF...) and you’ll appreciate the time so so much!!

Oh and good luck!