To be considering taking DD out of nursery after only 4 weeks?

[Merename]

DD is 2.8 months and has just started at nursery 2 afternoons per week. We decided to do this as I’m due baby 2 in a week or so and wanted a bit of space where I could nap with baby etc. However we are really questioning it - first week or two she seemed fine but she’s getting increasingly upset. She’s articulate and tells us through the week how she doesn’t want to go to nursery and how she feels sad being away from me. I also find the staff seem a bit as if ‘going through the motions’ and there isn’t the homely/ stimulating atmosphere I had chosen it for.

But I’m conscious maybe it needs more time, for her to build relationships, and for us to support her with the separation. I don’t want to make a decision based on my anxiety about it. Or we are forcing her to spend time in a place she feels really sad and lonely, how will this affect her, just to get a few hrs peace - DH works part time so I would get help if I took her out and try again when she gets funded hours (next April). What say you experienced MNers?

I wonder if the problem is she’s not there enough.

I kept at it, being told she'd settle in. 5 months later she'd cry if we drove past it on a non-childcare day. I switched her and she settled immediately.

Honestly? I was in a similar situation and I perserved and (now, years later) I regret it hugely. He got used to it, nothing terrible happened but when he started school and was so much happier I wished I'd trusted my instincts and taken him out (he did tell me he didn't want to go at first and did eventually stop but it was resignation rather than joy iyswim?)

Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

It took my son two months to settle into nursery and he did three full days at the time. Two afternoons is really not much time at all for her to get settled in. If you want it to work I think you need to up her hours.

It's a tricky one - I think it can take children longer to settle in nursery when they're part time, so I guess that needs to be taken into account. (It took mine about a month/6 weeks to fully settle, and this was full time). My 3 year old DD loves her nursery and her friends there, but every Sunday night (and other times throughout the week) we get whinging about not wanting to go. Once she's there, she's dancing through the doors happy as anything. It can be a really difficult one to call.

If she is struggling with it now it'll be worse when the baby is born. If she doesn't have to go and is getting distressed about it then why not knock it on the head. dd also tried nursery at 2 and hated it.

@BarbarianMum - I think that’s my worry really, that she will just resign herself to it and until now she has been so good at telling us how she feels. She’s really confident in some respects and at toddlers groups will instigate friendships but also has a shy and fragile side and I don’t want to make that grow. It feels like she needs more support to build relationships and the staff aren’t that tuned in. But I guess no paid people will tune into her like people who love her and I wonder if I’m being precious. Instinct says it’s not good tho. Defo don’t want to put her in more hours until she’s 3.

I would recommend more time and increasing DC's hours before removing them. Your DC is probably already aware that changes are coming with the baby and then being sent away to nursery is confusing for them.

I put DS2 into nursery last year when he was 2.5 after being at home with me since he was a baby. He did take time to settle, and did the whole 'I don't want to go' but then he was always happy when I picked him up telling me about his day.

2 afternoons a week is pretty much setting yourselves up for failure. She either has to be there more so that she fits in, gets to know other kids/ staff etc or you pull her out. As you're about to have a baby, I'd up her hours.

I would look for a different childcare setting, it sounds like it's not the right place for her, but I wouldn't write childcare off completely. It will be good for you and baby to have some quiet time, and when you find somewhere she is happy good for her to have some 'big kid' fun after baby is born.

Have you looked at childminders? They would be a good option for having a 1:1 relationship with a carer.

I think if you're just worried about her settling, persevere, if in your heart of hearts you aren't happy with the nursery, then look around at others with a view to switching. I switched my DDat 3 and it's the best thing I ever did. IME there are nurseries where staff are poorly motivated and going through the motions and there are nurseries where the staff are truly committed. Go with your gut but if you want to take her out I'd say look for another nursery rather than have her back at home as the settling will probably only get harder as she gets older. Good luck. It's tough whatever. My DS (nearly 3) starts on Friday. Eek!!

I'm on the other side, at 2.8 she's a baby, she belongs at home with family. Unless you are working and need childcare.
They are young for all of five minutes. I have no idea why they are pushed to grow so quickly let her be a baby a bit longer.

Have you considered other options OP?
I was really lucky that the village where my kids now go to school had a fab small preschool. That was a great option for mine and they both started with two afternoons a week, which I thought was the right amount of time for us.

Before that they went to a really wonderful childminder who had quite a few children and also employed an assistant. They ran it like a very small nursery and it was very routine based with forest school, cooking, role play and lots of outdoor play.

I know lots of people will say stick it out with the nursery, but it's always worth checking out other options too. There might be somewhere that's just the right fit for your little one. Sometimes nursery can be a bit overwhelming. Good luck and good luck with your new little one too 😊

Oh and I did the "upping the hours" thing too. It made everything much worse and we dropped them again, although we didn't take him out altogether.

He wasnt ready at 2. At 4 he was ready. OP does she need /do you need her to be ready now?

Another one saying two afternoons isn't enough. All the nurseries round us won't accept any child for less than 2 full days as they just don't settle. How can the nursery staff tune into your daughter in only a few hours a week?

If you want to pull her out as you want her at home then do, but I don't think you should blame it on the nursery.

I’d agree with pp. 2.8 months is very young. I have a daughter the same age and newborn.
I put my ds in preschool at 2.6 as my elder dd never went and had separation anxiety from me when she went to school. He cried for ages, it was really hard. He only went 2.5 hours twice a week and never really enjoyed it. At 3 I changed to a preschool and he loved it and wanted more hours. I wish I’d trusted my gut. They were both lovely but they didn’t both work for him.
I’m keeping dd 2.8 home with me as I can do without unsettling the baby to collect her as well. Also is it a nursery with long afternoons? 1-6? As it’s very long tiring sessions and you may find mornings easier.

What’s she like while she’s there? My DD is 2.9 and has been doing two mornings at nursery since January. She does still cry when I leave her, but once i’ve gone, she enjoys playing there, joins in games with other children, does pictures, chats to the staff etc. She is obviously happy to see me when I pick her up, and does say she doesn’t want to go during the week. But I need the few precious hours to get things done (studying), and I know she’s fine while she’s there, i’d get a call from them if she was distressed. It takes a couple of months for them to settle, in your situation I would give it a bit longer, maybe ask nursery to report back to you on how she is once you leave, even give them a call once you are home to check. It is really very helpful to have a few hours to yourself with a new baby. DD is my third, so have been through this several times, my older two ended up loving nursery once settled, especially once they got to the age where they actually had friends they looked forward to playing with.

I want to raise another view. You are putting your DD into nursery to give you some space when new baby arrives, which is understandable. Could she picking this up in some way and feel clingy because she feels she might be replaced?

I ask this as a friend of mine had similar with their DC who thought their mum was giving them away and they felt rejected and no longer a part of the family as the new baby was taking up mums time instead.

I would stop and start elsewhere, with no mention of it being because of baby, but how exciting it will be, lots of new toys and friends to play with so she doesn't feel like she's being excluded from you.

Taken me a while to work out what 2.8 months means, especially as you're due another pretty soon! Reminds me of Asda selling some cold meat for 3.75p/500g.

I’d pull her out. If she doesn’t need to be there why put her through it? Especially as you’re about to have another baby. I’d worry it could exacerbate feelings of being pushed out. She’s very young still. I think your gut feeling is right.

You clearly don't really like the place - no wonder she's sad if the staff are just going through the motions. That's not a nice place to be.

Maybe change nursery or personally I would look at a childminder who understands the situation and is willing to put in a little extra care (my childminder is amazing, she provides so much care for my little boy)

My DS cried every day he went to nursery at the same age (3 mornings a week). After 2 weeks I had enough and decided to ditch it BUT when I told him he said he wanted to go! You could've knocked me down with a feather. Your Dd is articulate so talk to her. I think my child needed time but also needed to talk about it.

I am a Nanny looking after a similar age child who spoke no English when I started. 3 X 3 hours a week. He settled with me after a few weeks.
If it's been more than a month, I'd pull her out. Trust your instincts. My son had to be peeled off me kicking and screaming at pre school. No such issues less than a year later at nursery school. He later told me he hated pre school because some of the ladies weren't nice.

Thanks for all the thoughts. So far, she’s not happily telling us about her time there, her main report is ‘I was sad’ and ‘I wanted you mummy’. She’s also talking about how other kids have started to cry for their mums when she does, and how teachers have told her she’s making other kids cry. Hard to know what’s been actually said but I don’t like that. One time I called to check how she was after she’d cried being left and I was told that she was fine, and it had been ‘all for show’. DH picked her up one day and another child was crying for mum and a comment was made by staff that she was ‘at it’. These comments are concerning me and I think the main barrier to tuning in, rather than time. I understand the points being made about hours, but I think upset kids are upset kids, I don’t think adults minimising that is helpful or kind and doesn’t demonstrate skilled staff. So I guess your responses are helping me see our worries are probably in the main based on what we are seeing and hearing about the nursery. We have discussed a childminder tonight as an option, I just thought she would love nursery as most places we go where there are kids, she’s always dying to ‘make friends’ - but maybe she’s just too young yet to do that easily without our support.

Another one saying listen to your instincts and pull her out.