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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering taking DD out of nursery after only 4 weeks?

66 replies

Merename · 03/09/2018 22:07

DD is 2.8 months and has just started at nursery 2 afternoons per week. We decided to do this as I’m due baby 2 in a week or so and wanted a bit of space where I could nap with baby etc. However we are really questioning it - first week or two she seemed fine but she’s getting increasingly upset. She’s articulate and tells us through the week how she doesn’t want to go to nursery and how she feels sad being away from me. I also find the staff seem a bit as if ‘going through the motions’ and there isn’t the homely/ stimulating atmosphere I had chosen it for.

But I’m conscious maybe it needs more time, for her to build relationships, and for us to support her with the separation. I don’t want to make a decision based on my anxiety about it. Or we are forcing her to spend time in a place she feels really sad and lonely, how will this affect her, just to get a few hrs peace - DH works part time so I would get help if I took her out and try again when she gets funded hours (next April). What say you experienced MNers?

OP posts:

museumum · 04/09/2018 18:57

It sounds like that Nursery is just not very good.
My ds was at his from 2.0 and settled well and really loved it. I’m a big Nursery fan but yours just doesn’t sound good.

I’m in Scotland too and we have private nurseries (all ages) and school nurseries (from a year before p1) and also “pre-schools” run by parents but which employ a teacher, usually these are attached to a playgroup and offer 3hr/day for the year before school. All options should be listed on the council website.

TheHauntedFishtank · 04/09/2018 19:21

That doesn’t sound right. At DS’s last nursery the staff were brilliant with unsettled kids, they knew which ones needed cuddles and which ones needed gentle jollying along.

Cakefairy1978 · 04/09/2018 19:41

I did the same with my son. It didn't feel right my my youngest was 3 months so I put my fear and worry down to hormones after 1 month I pulled him out. He didn't settle, would go mad even driving there and he got terrified of other children all if a sudden ( which lasted for about 6 months post nursery). Since then I have heard horrid stories about the place . He settled very well in a different setting. Trust your instinct!

Brainfogmcfogface · 04/09/2018 19:50

I took mine out after 4 weeks at about that age, she hated it and wouldn’t settle, was very quiet and becoming withdrawn, not the fireball I was used to and in my gut it just felt wrong. Left it a year, found another setting and started her there at 3 when she understood a bit more and could do the 15 free hours and she’s much happier, still finds leaving me hard but we are together 24/7 when she’s not there so don’t think that’ll stop till she’s much older.
But very glad I trusted my instinct and have a happier child for it.

Original poster

Merename · 04/09/2018 20:42

Sorry just seen these other replies. Thanks so much to you all, really helping us think it through. I’ve left her regularly before, with my mum, SIL and a family friend, never with strangers though. She’s always separated very easily to these people and been very confident in their care. This reaction is completely different. When we mention nursery, it’s like she looks a little on alert and always responds with ‘I don’t like it’ or ‘I don’t want to go’ etc. She is usually desperate to interact with other kids we don’t know in the park etc and I think of her as good at striking up friendships (for a 2yr old anyway), but I get the impression this is not how it’s going in this environment.

The nursery also have been quite shit about admin things and communication, and we still don’t have a code to look at her ‘learning logs’ online. I’ve asked again for this today and plan to look at these to assist in a final decision, but we’ve concluded today that unless these give us a vastly different view, we’re just going to take her out. We’ve always responded when she’s told us she’s unhappy before so I don’t want her to have to learn squash these feelings down when she’s so small. We’re thinking we’ll visit another smaller nursery which has a massive waiting list, and put her name down for over a year away if we like it, then keep her at home until at least April next year when she gets her funded hrs, maybe use a childminder then. Like people have said, we’re fortunate to not have to put her in work wise just now so why force it. Wed always planned to only send her when funded hrs came, but I think earlier in the pregnancy we were a bit panicked about how we would cope - she’s been generally a dreadful sleeper, stopped napping before she was 2 and is such high energy, but now she is sleeping better and able to amuse herself a bit more independently too so feeling more confident we can do two with the support we have.

I really appreciate the reassurance to trust my instinct, and that several of you pulled them out after such a short time too, that I’m not being all PFB about it.

OP posts:

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 04/09/2018 22:23

My daughter went to two pre schools. The first offered a place much quicker but she didn't seem happy there and would get quite anxious on the way which was unusual... Then a second pre school offered a place on a day the other couldn't so she went to both and I realised straight away she was so happy going to the new one and that it wasn't a problem for her going to school it was that the first school wasn't right for her. I took her out immediately and waited for more hours at the second one to come up. Weirdly although she couldn't explain at the time even now at 10 if we go past the first school she'll say she doesn't like that school.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/09/2018 23:34

I would take her out, absolutely. She is tiny, and that time when they are toddlers goes so quickly. If you can have her at home , and she is unhappy without you, then it seems a no brainier to me. Why make her miserable and you stressed ? I remember how tiring it was being pregnant while caring for a toddler, I do sympathise as it can be shattering, but it is also an unsettling time when it is really important for your older one to feel safe and loved to welcome the new baby.

stayathomer · 04/09/2018 23:41

If your gut says the staff etc don't fit I'd take her out and either move or just leave her off. With the right place either when she's older or not she'll be thrilled to get in. Best of luck with everything

Ffiffime · 04/09/2018 23:46

My lo started when he was 2. He was a nightmare at first. He finished there 6 weeks ago and now tells me he missed it. He’s 4 now.
Sending him to Nursery was the best thing I did. Within a few months he was a different child.
Persevere with it a bit longer and see how she goes. Maybe look at different nurseries od you’re not entirely happy xx

Goth237 · 04/09/2018 23:47

OK, I think you should stick with it. Of course she's going to be sad, she's going to be joined by a younger sibling who will get the majority of the attention. I think what she's feeling is jealousy and wanting to spend time with you because she wants to make the most of her time before the new arrival. I would persevere because she may learn from that that if she makes enough fuss, she will be taken out of it. She'll settle down and be able to make friends. Two days a week isn't much and probably not enough for her to be able to settle in there properly.

SusanneLinder · 04/09/2018 23:55

I' m going to say take her out, or find another nursery.
I made the mistake of leaving my DD at the same age with a CM that she cried going to. I thought she hadn't settled cos we moved house and left my other lovely CM. New CM seemed lovely. Ages later, when we did realise she was unhappy, we moved her to a lovely nursery and she settled in great.
We then found out that the CM had been yelling at her and frightened her...
Wished I had trusted my child. She is an adult now and still remembers.

Pebblesandfriends · 05/09/2018 00:00

Go with your gut. If you're able to look after him and it's an option to defer nursery and you feel it's the right move then do.

danishkids · 05/09/2018 08:25

Trust your instincts! I had my boy in from age 2-3. He turned from a very happy loving bow into an angry sad boy. After a year of him crying every time we dropped him off, we made the decision to have all 3 of our kids home full time. Within 2 months he turned into a happy bubbly kind little boy. We started him in nursery 2 months ago. (A different one) he loves it! He’s happy, loves the teachers, loves the place. I think it can be timing and chemistry. But your his Mum. Trust your instincts.

Satsumaeater · 05/09/2018 09:39

Sounds like the wrong place for her.

Doesn't mean nursery is bad per se, but it doesn't sound like this particular nursery is a nice one. If the other nursery has a long waiting list that's probably a good sign.

Is there another way you could get help when the baby comes - eg find a childminder instead?

lynmilne65 · 05/09/2018 13:28

Of course there's pre schools in Scotland 🙄

SilverLining10 · 05/09/2018 13:36

It sounds like it isnt the right nursery for her. Maybe try another one. We started my ds at 15 months as he was utterly bored at home and it took him 3 weeks of crying everyday but now he wakes up on a saturday wanting to go.

I would try another nursery and stick with it.

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