I'm a failure. A fucking envious failure.

[Bigfatfuckingfailure]

I don't like this about myself, but today I'm feeling real envy of the success of two people I used to know from school/ college/ uni etc.

They have made it in very competitive careers. Very, very successful.

I'm a massive failure and so embarrassed. If there was a reunion, I couldn't go.

I'm about to start studying again next month to start to rebuild shattered confidence as quite literally, everything I touch turns to shit. I'm excited to start but I feel so depressed and demoralised now because what if I just fail at this too. I'm back at the beginning, and everyone I know is doing fantastically well.

I don't like feeling envy like this, it's like a fucking double whammy of not only being shit at life career wise but also a massive personality flaw that I can't just be pleased for these people. I'm not. I was lonely and gawky at school and they weren't mean or anything, just basically ignored any stupid and tentative attempts at friendship when I was trying to make friends. I know they weren't doing anything wrong by that - I was just not cool or fun to be friends with and nobody owed me friendship. That's fine.

I just feel really depressed tonight, my period is due and that always makes my mood atrocious so probably just that - but really sad and directionless and afraid. Life is so short and I keep fucking it up.

I've always felt like I was dropped here from another planet, I never know what to do and always get it wrong, and it's bloody lonely at times.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
If you're happy enough avoiding them, do that.
Your last sentence makes me wonder if you're an autistic person. Many of us feel that way.
Focus on yourself, not them. Notice every happy moment in your life. Ask yourself, routinely, 'In this moment, now, am I happy?'. You'll be surprised how often the answer is yes.

You are brave enough to go back and study - how on earth does that make you a massive failure!! I am jealous of you!!

Very few people are happy for the successes of our old school friends - we all compare ourselves to those few people who have done really well and feel jealous. I know I do.

Please try to be more positive - you have such a great opportunity here.

Oh an you don’t have a massive personality flaw - you are just normal😊😊

Comparison is the thief of joy
I've never heard this quote but I love it!

Thing is OP, you always think that other people are doing better than you and are happier than you.

But some people never share their unhappiness or failures and therefore it can seem to others like their lives are perfect. It's not the case.

You never know what's going on in other people's lives, you only know what they want to share.

I compare myself to others too op. You know, your life went in a different direction to these people, and if you looked hard enough or knew them well I'm sure you'd find a reason why their lives are not as perfect as they seem to you at the moment.

It's a big positive that you are about to study, I keep meaning to do this but I just can't seem to do it.

We are all allowed to have moments of envy, but please let it be a moment and then focus on doing something nice for yourself.

I think you're me a year ago.

I'm (supposed to be) just about to start my second year at university. Barely passed the first year and very strongly considering not going back. Hope you have better luck/work ethic than me.

I often feel the same way you do. I'm about to turn 40 and feel like I've failed. I wish I could go back and start again. As you say, life is short and there is a sense of the clock ticking. I promise you aren't the only one who feels like this - I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you've been dropped in from another planet. I often feel like I should have been born 50 years ago, modern life is baffling and scary and hard. Don't lose hope though, it sounds like you have a really positive opportunity with your studies, grasp it with both hands and give it everything you've got.

Hey OP "don't compare your insides with other peoples outsides".
They may be successful in work (or they may feel they are just faking it!( but may have failed relationships, family troubles, illness etc, you just don't know. Don't be fooled into thinking everyone else has it sorted,they are just winging it too.
You have had the courage to start over doing something new, and that takes balls so well done you. Perhaps a little bit of fear of failure is good if you can channel it into determination to succeed? I wish you well.

Thank you for such kind and thoughtful replies.

I know I'm very lucky in lots of ways, and having a place to study is one of them. It's something I am passionate about, as cliche as that might sound.

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy, I agree. I don't even really know if I'm truly comparing myself to them, though, if I'm completely honest. I think I am comparing my real self as I am now with who I might have been if things had been different - drip feed but I have had an illness since childhood that has caused me many problems and has left me with chronic fatigue, and I grew up fostered and very hurt by my parents.

I wonder how I'd be if I'd been healthy and what it would be like if my parents had instinctively loved me.

These girls who I am envious of - they have loving parents, and good health, and I'm just here thinking well they have everything.

I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people.

@SupposedStudent, do go back. I know it's daunting after the long summer break and a knock to the confidence if you didn't do as well as you hoped in exams, but give it a go. You might get more in the swing of it now this year, as it won't all be so new. Best of luck.

Whatever has gone before, OP, now is the perfect time to take the steps you're taking. Keep repeating to yourself- now is the perfect time. And only say things to yourself that you'd say to someone you care about.

I think you’re comparing ‘you’ (and seeing as it’s you - you know warts and all) to what people want you to see (which is always the best)
If someone stops me and says “how are you?” I don’t tell them my darkest fears! I say good/fine or what’s er else.

I always feel so down before a period and I also have the same personality where I have to really work hard not to be jealous. I know people from uni who are actually in the field we studied for and are doing very well indeed!

I on the other hand am on ADs after DHs death earlier this year, I’m about to start a low paid job as I can’t face going back to my old job and I can’t drive. These things aren’t good at all. However whatever small steps I take forward are good.

I think studying is fantastic, you are brilliant for doing that! And you’ve recognised that you do have a personality that veers towards jealousy, that’s great you’ve recognised it and clearly want to work on it. You’re worried about not doing well with studying - but you’ve recognised this worry. With that in mind you can really focus or contact student academic or pastoral support. How wonderful is it you’re in tune with yourself?! This means you can go forward and like anyone continue to work on yourself to be the best version of you!

As for others who have done well...I always think how we’re just a few choices away from another life. The people with great careers...maybe they did work harder than me, they probably did! But I loved hanging out with my DH and never did lots of volunteering on top of a full time job! But I’m happy I didn’t follow their exact path (I guess I only want that success at the end! But I don’t know how hard or the difficult path they took to it) anyway, this helps me when I get jealous- would I swap their ‘warts and all’ with mine? Probably not.

Op would you consider CBT? I think that with a little bit of tweaking you could change your outlook. You will be amazing if you apply yourself and it's something that you love so half the battle is won.

It's natural to compare ourselves to others but I am sure that there will be things about YOU that others are envious of. Throw away that stick that you are beating yourself with.

I was in your place 3 years ago. Couldn’t get pregnant, my job was not really what I wanted to do and I just felt like a failure at everything. I used to do really mental things like look on social media at girls I was jealous of and count how long they were engaged for or married for without kids and compare it to me.
I did quit my job and went back to uni and after a slight detour (baby mid course ) I’m just away to begin my final year. I’m still not as content as I would like but honestly the more you speak to people, especially the ones that have it all- you discover that everyone has stuff that makes them feel bad about themselves. Other people will be looking at you and wanting something that came easy to you.

If you haven’t already, try quitting social media for a month and see if you still see things the same after that. It was very good for me mentally.

I know it's a cliche but comparison is the thief of joy. It's so easy in these days of social media to look at the carefully 'curated' and beautifully put together collages of other people's lives that they put on social media and wonder where you went wrong, why you don't have that seemingly perfect life. With me it's not career/academic success but family relationships that I occasionally like to torment myself with, looking at lovely pictures of people with their perfect families on special occasions and the messages of love they post etc, things that for various reasons I feel I haven't achieved in life. I truly believe that most people have some kind of 'sore spot' of this kind, whether it's relationships, career, security, material possessions, lifestyle, family, and unfortunately, many of us have minds that love to worry at our sores and tell us to seek out things that will make us feel envious and horrible (isn't that a nifty trick, thanks sub-conscious!).

In the nicest possible way I don't think you are unusual in that regard or some kind of unnatural monster for feeling this way, in fact I think you are very average

I try and deal with those feelings when they arise by remembering that social media is not a true representation of real life, yes you may see all these amazing posts about people's wonderful lives but you never know who's in an abusive relationship, who has a crippling lack of self-esteem, who suffers with poor mental health, who is reliant on their family or partner to support their lifestyle etc - not that I would wish these things on my friends and acquaintances of course but it is strangely comforting to remember that everyone, high or low, rich or poor has their troubles, just most people don't speak publicly about them in the same way they do their successes.

I try to practice thankfulness and self-appreciation for the things I do have and have achieved, whilst taking active steps towards changing the things in my life I am able to, and accepting those I can't. Sometimes you just need to take a step away from social media for a while too (no need to delete if you don't want to, just get a trusted friend to change your password and give it back in a month!).

OP, you sound like me a few years ago. I've often wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn't had a parent who made me feel utterly worthless. I used to wonder as a little girl if I was really from another planet, and yes, lonely and awkward described me exactly.

When I went to university as a mature student I was terrified. It was something I was doing for me but I felt so unworthy of it. I remember the fear when I submitted my first assignment - and discovering a minor referencing mistake afterwards and thinking that was it, they'd notice it and fail me. Because that was the kind of harsh judgement I grew up with.

I didn't fail. It was bloody hard, emotionally more than intellectually, but I did it, and I just finished my MA dissertation last week, which made me feel like such an impostor but I realised that nobody else had done my research, so nobody else could write it at all - either I wrote it, however badly, or it would never exist.

My life would have been easier if I'd had more supportive parents, but I do think that our struggles make us stronger in some ways. I bumped into someone a few months ago who was in my class at school, and I was amazed that I didn't feel ashamed in telling her what I was doing. Five years ago, I would have. I really hope you're looking back in a few years and you see this as a turning point for you.

I personally think a big of envy is normal, and not a character flaw to be ashamed of, as long as you recognise it, acknowledge it and move on.

It's also fine to admit you're not where you wanted to be - especially since you are taking steps to move forward by returning to education. Maybe the depths of PMT is not a good time to review your life - a bit like waking at 4am with The Horrors. You'll feel better when your period arrives (apart from the cramps, bleeding, headache etc).

I wonder how I'd be if I'd been healthy and what it would be like if my parents had instinctively loved me.

I sometimes wonder the same about myself, but after a decade of therapy, I now tell myself to get on with the life I have now, and ahead. I don't mean to sound patronising. I just found this 'place' and it works for me. I hope you find your happiness soon.

Hey! Don't compare - that's ridiculous

I could compare myself with the kids I was at school with. One is a brilliantly successful barrister who looks just the same as when as she was 18. She looks lovely then and looks lovely now. She's some kind of religious fundamentalist though and I could never be her just as she could never be me.

We're all different and take different paths. What matters is to be happy and kindly. You've cracked the second (I can tell from your posts). Now set about the first. And don't make comparisons. They just don't work.

OP if you are looking on Facebook, Insta or just hearing about them on the grapevine, you have no idea what's going on in their lives. None. Perhaps they find their jobs stressful. Perhaps they are worried their husband are cheating. Perhaps they've got an awful illness they are struggling to hide. Perhaps their parents are sick.

You aren't living their life, and might not even enjoy it if you did! You are living yours. You sound like you have an amazing opportunity up ahead- this is when the gremlins come in and try to pull you down/make you think you can't do it/have a wobble. That's normal, it's like the day before going back to school- you have that argh moment, then you just get on with it. Good luck with your studies, I have a feeling they are happening at absolutely the right time for you.

OP you sound just like me with the feeling lonely & gawky at high school, everyone else has high flying careers etc. It is so tough. People who make friends easily, network, whatever, have no idea how hard it can be. However, enough of the sympathy...

You have signed up to study something new, which means you will meet new people who will share the same interests as you (otherwise they wouldn't be there!) & who knows where that may lead...

You don't seem like a failure to me, more like someone who has spotted something that needs improving and has sorted it out.

You didn't mention if you were on social media, I have been away from FB for most of the summer, the minute I check back in to see when kids clubs etc are starting I start to feel like shit.

I was delighted with my summer before then, my 12 year old even gave me a completely (very rare hug) & thanked me for a fab summer holidays just before that, I'm so glad they did!

Concentrate on your new studies & ignore all the bollocks

I wish I was brave enough to go back to studying, but I'm not. I messed up and it's too late now.

A few years ago I confessed to a colleague that I felt really down about not having completed my degree and that I felt inferior to her when we were at work since I held such a lowly position compared to her. She was a fantastic professional, really senior position, brilliant career. And she turned to me and said "but you have everything I've ever wanted - a husband who loves you and two children. I don't want all this, I want what you have."

Sometimes we don't realise what we have is valued by others.

I'm like you OP. I came here from another country and my qualifications were not transferrable. There are people I know from my previous life whose qualifications are transferrable here and so they were able to just pick up where they left off.

Like you, I went back to uni. And I'm going to start in the bottom as a graduate next year.

What helps is me just trying to focus on my shit. I also deactivated my Facebook and I don't look at social media profiles of people I know. I have a friend who seems to spend a lot of time on Facebook and always shares with me updates of people there. I also ignore this friend now. lol.

It's human to compare and be envious I think.

Agree with pp, envy is a terrible thing and it will not just suck joy from your life but also destroy self esteem. Envy only gives you part of the picture of someone's life ie the absolute best bits and possibly fake bits.

Focus on being grateful for all you have small and big and the fact you are starting a new journey.

Wow, quite a few of us who went back/ are going back to study then. I hope everyone has a good year once we get stuck into it all.

@SingingSands I don't think it's ever too late to go back to college or uni to do something that makes you feel alive, and where you can contribute to the field in some way.

Frankly at times I wonder if my lack of ability to network will always stop me doing well whatever I do. It's frustrating because I'm good at networking on behalf of somebody else, ie a client.

But when it comes to selling myself? Hahaha. Nope.

Everybody feels like this sometimes. Even the most successful people you can think of will be comparing themselves to somebody whom they consider to be more successful. The Dragons Den panel probably compare themselves to flipping Philip Green and Roman Abramovitch and wonder why they aren’t as rich!

Learning to suppress the temptation to compare yourself with others is a skill we can all work on. I don’t always manage it. I see some of my cohort (I’m an accountant) who have become very rich and successful and I get that awful burny feeling for a bit, but then I remember that they generally weren’t nice people and I wouldn’t want their lives, either now or during the last 20 odd years since we all started training together.

I’m relatively successful and some friends have professed themselves to be envious of me. I think, ha, if only you knew! I’m clever but I’m great at pssng people off, to the detriment of my career. I look younger than I am because I wasn’t able to have children, to my great sorrow, and my stepchildren don’t fill that void. ‘No wrinkles or eye bags from sleep deprivation and no stretch marks from childbirth’ is pretty cold comfort, let me tell you. I have lots of lovely clothes and shoes because I’ve never really felt confident and posh clobber helps me to fake it. I’m never going to tell people those things, though, and I bet your schoolfriends’ lives aren’t what they seem either.