I'm a failure. A fucking envious failure.

[Bigfatfuckingfailure]

I don't like this about myself, but today I'm feeling real envy of the success of two people I used to know from school/ college/ uni etc.

They have made it in very competitive careers. Very, very successful.

I'm a massive failure and so embarrassed. If there was a reunion, I couldn't go.

I'm about to start studying again next month to start to rebuild shattered confidence as quite literally, everything I touch turns to shit. I'm excited to start but I feel so depressed and demoralised now because what if I just fail at this too. I'm back at the beginning, and everyone I know is doing fantastically well.

I don't like feeling envy like this, it's like a fucking double whammy of not only being shit at life career wise but also a massive personality flaw that I can't just be pleased for these people. I'm not. I was lonely and gawky at school and they weren't mean or anything, just basically ignored any stupid and tentative attempts at friendship when I was trying to make friends. I know they weren't doing anything wrong by that - I was just not cool or fun to be friends with and nobody owed me friendship. That's fine.

I just feel really depressed tonight, my period is due and that always makes my mood atrocious so probably just that - but really sad and directionless and afraid. Life is so short and I keep fucking it up.

I've always felt like I was dropped here from another planet, I never know what to do and always get it wrong, and it's bloody lonely at times.

And very few people just feel happy for peers who have become more successful than them. Schadenfreude is real!

Social media isn't too much of a problem, basically all my friends on Facebook are nice people. There's just a couple i don't follow, so I don't worry about it.

What prompted this was an email, sent to me by mistake, about an opulent private launch event for one of the women I'm now feeling envious of. It wasn't meant for me. We're never in touch.

Hey, I'm an envious failure too! Sometimes I can't even stand to be around people cos it just highlights how crap I am and makes me feel like that cheese which is full of holes, while they are are smooth Edam. Objectively I know I have some good things about me, and from the outside I don't look as bad as all that, but inside I'm bitter and let down and self-loathing. I wanted so much more from myself. When it gets too much I just retreat and self-care until I don't feel so wounded, then try again.

"When it gets too much I just retreat and self-care until I don't feel so wounded, then try again."

Yes, that describes my evening tonight. I'm so sorry you go through this. I hope you can find something to develop your confidence. It is so shit feeling not good enough.

Are you me, OP?

Jealousy is natural but self destructive. Something I heard a few years ago which has really helped me is "don't judge yourself against those around you, judge yourself against who you were yesterday". This really works for me, I try to improve every day, even a tiny thing like learning a new word, or reading up on a particular artist or novelist etc. As long as you are moving forward you're heading in the right direction. Oh and stay off social media. Good luck with your studies, I began my degree aged 42. I can't say I enjoyed it but I stuck with it and came away with a 1st, but more importantly learned a lot about myself in the process.

Joining the gang here. I got a decent degree... then had an accidental baby, followed by 3 more in short succession . Never got a career off the ground and have been stuck in low paid jobs (I'm a TA) ever since. My friend has a 6 figure salary and a home to die for and sometimes I do feel envious.

But it's all relative.. I have a kind decent husband and four children who love me. My head at work is the same age as me, on a fabulous salary, and a great career... but she'd give it in a heartbeat to have had children, which she couldn't have, so I give myself a shake and remind myself how lucky I am.
I'm also a total failure socially and always have been..I'm terrified of social events and basically just want to be at home in my safe place.

Start your course, be brave, and see where it leads. I'm too old to retrain now but I have made myself take up new hobbies and that helps preserve my self esteem a little!

OP, years ago I read that envy is just a way of measuring what you really want in life. Instead of getting eaten up by it you can use it as a guideline on what really matters to you in life, and what you want to achieve. I know it's not quite that easy, but I did start analysing who I felt envious of and what precisely they had that I longed for, and that list was a start point for goals I'd set myself. It really does stop envy being a bad feeling.

As for failure - meh - everyone fails loads in life. Everyone. I started work today with a very successful client who was cheerfully telling me about all his failures. I liked him so much for it. He was pointing out that they'd led to his current success. Just two years ago I was an utter failure. I had to abandon post-grad study due to severe MH problems, and that entirely screwed up my career plan. Then a year after I thought my career was dead due to this setback, I was offered the exact job I thought I could only apply for if I had the qualification I'd messed up.

You're probably not a massive failure at all. You're a normal person with excessively high standards. If there was a school reunion those two would be massively successful and the entire rest of the reunion would be normal people with ups and downs. And even the successful ones would be feeling too fat or thin or old or tall or short or out of place because everyone does.

If you have to compare, compare yourself to people who've had their lives shattered by illness and death, by the actions of others (husbands leaving and leaving all their crap, children abandoned by their fathers forever etc etc).

There will be many people reading this wishing they could be you and not the people they currently area because of things beyond their control.

I am sure you are doing fine. None of us really know how other people who might seem to have high paid jobs and great lives are really feeling. Even a wonderful launch event isn't necessarily fun (you'd have to pay me to attend one of those kinds of things).

At a school reunion I couldn't care less what other people do but what matters is how we all live our lives on a day to day basis, how you deal with those around you, the people you love and most of all if you are happy and healthy.

"If you have to compare, compare yourself to people who've had their lives shattered by illness and death, by the actions of others (husbands leaving and leaving all their crap, children abandoned by their fathers forever etc etc)."

Sickness did shatter my life, several times as a young adult. I don't know if I will be able to have children. My parents didn't raise me but my mother managed to raise my sibling. My father completely abandoned me, to an almost psychotic level of denying my existence.

The adult who loved me, who was spiritually my mum, died when I was in my mid twenties. She is responsible for everything that is good in me, she is the reason I can love and be loved, why I have friends and a loving relationship. I miss her so much, I can't even tell you. She had such high hopes for me! She thought I was so talented, clever, tough...it crosses my mind that I've let her down in a way.

I focused everything and pinned all hopes of being fulfilled by a career that didn't happen. I think I loaded the concept of a career with too much value.

Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. You can't force yourself to feel a particular way. Why 'should' you feel happy for other people you don't know very well who have, as you see it, done better than you? I'm sure you're happy for your friends and family when good things happen to you!

I think jealousy can sometimes be helpful. It has sometimes made me analyse what exactly it is I'm jealous of - what is it I wish I'd achieved? It might not be something I can do myself, but it has sometimes given me a steer.

@lifesunjust is right. I’m envious of your position OP - three years ago, my life was shattered by illness. A head injury, post concussion syndrome, breakdown and drug induced involuntary movement disorder that I still live with now. I have two beautiful children (one recently) but this is tarnished by that loss of my brother last year at age 34, from cancer. My movement disorder make me very self conscious and worried about going back to work, and out in general.

Please don’t compare. I wish I had my health and my brother back, and I envy my friend’s beautiful big house and his constant new purchases and cars, but know he was once in 9k of debt and eating food from dustbins.

Life is what you make it and I have overcome adversity to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. You are in an envious position with your health and at the start of a golden career opportunity. Keep going, stay positive and strong, and be true to your values and desires. I envy your position very much and I am sure you would find others might do too.

I have been chronically ill since childhood I don't have good health.

Well done for going back to studying. After struggling with my degree (passed ok but not stellar) and walking out of pgce training (actually did well, hated it though), it took me a few years to find myself, like myself and get back on track. But thought of studying again still scares me. I think you're fab

Everyone has their flaws. It doesn't matter how they hide them - they are there. Nobody's perfect. I don't even know you, but I can tell you 2 things you're good at, just from your message:

1: You're amazingly good at expressing how you feel.
I would never be able to put how you're feeling into words. I wouldn't even be able to run it over in my head!

2: You know what you want to do, and nothing you've been through
before can stop you. After how you feel about those people you were with before, you're going back! That's so strong of you.

Lighten up. Don't focus on the bad things - focus on improving them. But for the time being, you just need to realise that you're beautiful, inside and out, and you don't need to beat yourself up about one slight "fault"

Life is much easier when we dont allow ourselves to be victims.

I can say that because iv also had a lot of trauma and my health is poor.

But every day I celebrate what i have and celebrate others success.

Please also look up the word "psychotic" it does not mean what you imply ...

You have to stamp those thoughts out of your head, with regards to your ‘successful’ friends. It is all relative. My sister has an amazing mansion, with a huge estate, swimming pool, tennis court, gym, the lot. I live in a shabby, small flat that is cluttered to the brim.... I tell myself, my flat is cosy, it is homely, it is warm, it is near my daughter’s school, it has a nice vibe, and it doesn’t take long to hoover. I am happy there, I can’t see myself being happy in a house as big and echoey as my sisters. What I am trying to say, is no matter what, I look for the positive view on things. I didn’t get an amazing and quite glamorous job I interviewed for recently.... but I told myself I wouldn’t have been happy there, the role wasn’t right for me, I wouldn’t have got on with my potential new manager as well as my current one... I actually dodged a bullet! I am a very happy person, because I look for the small positives, even if they are hard to find. If someone is horrible to me, I tell myself they are having a hard time or they have issues so it isn’t personal. It is all about mindset and you can train yourself to adopt a positive mindset too. Good luck with your course and be proud that you are taking steps to improve your life.

I'm not a victim. It's not very nice to imply I think I am because I'm venting on my thread, and allowing my most pitiful and vulnerable private thoughts to come out. I don't have another outlet for them at present. I refuse to dump it all on my wonderful partner, who supports me enough as it is. I don't want to cause worry.

I've said I know I'm lucky in many ways.

I am perfectly aware of what psychotic means, thanks, and I use it candidly to refer to my deadbeat dad. He is both a cruel shit AND someone with poor mental health.

Can I join the failure club please? I'm hoping to return to university next year but at present my adult life is just one massive fail!

You, though. I'm not sure I would describe as a failure from what you've told us- you've coped with inadequate parenting and the harm your parents caused; you've coped with a serious illness and you're now working on improving your life. You were not dealt the same cards as the people you went to school with and their stories really don't affect yours.

Good luck with your studies and future career- exciting!

"who I might have been if things had been different"

Isn't that "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues?

Shane: "I could have been someone..."
Kirsty: "Well so could anyone..."

Each day I get up early, write down whatever was on my mind as I woke up, and promise to do something - however small - towards fixing those things.

Then I ask myself - what would a successful day - today - look like from my perspective, and how could I achieve that? Then I write down one thing I can look forward to today, and one bad thing that I need to watch out for.

Its the small victories every day that matter.

Many outwardly successful and wealthy people are deeply unhappy and trapped in their lives. It may sound trite, but a small dose of introspection and a personal promise to take care of oneself every day makes a huge difference.

Thank you, all, for the range of opinions and perspectives. It's making me think.

Thanks too for the comfort and reassurance and ideas, because I'm sorely in need of comfort tonight. Everything just feels raw. But things tend to be ten times worse at night and ten times worse when due on, so the combination probably not great at all.

@Lisabel
"I'm not sure I would describe as a failure from what you've told us- you've coped with inadequate parenting and the harm your parents caused; you've coped with a serious illness and you're now working on improving your life. You were not dealt the same cards as the people you went to school with and their stories really don't affect yours."

That is really kind, thank you. I do try to remember I've actually played the cards I was dealt quite well in some ways. Good luck for your future studies!

@OnlyObjectivity
"Each day I get up early, write down whatever was on my mind as I woke up, and promise to do something - however small - towards fixing those things.

Then I ask myself - what would a successful day - today - look like from my perspective, and how could I achieve that? Then I write down one thing I can look forward to today, and one bad thing that I need to watch out for." I really like this idea. It's not overwhelming, it's a good way to start the day, maybe I will adopt it.

And yes, the Pogues describe it well.

I felt the same way last year. Since then, I returned to school and am studying to become a Civil Engineer.

I got stuck right in, and am now at the top of my class. I think of my classmates from years ago and wonder - could they be as successful if they were (re)starting their training and careers and still maintaining a home and 3 children.

I am allowed to be proud, and you are allowed to be yourself.

OP, I wasn’t meaning my message to upset you in any way. Sorry if it did, and to hear you have always been in poor health.

I’m sure you are doing your best with what life has given you, and are striving to improve your circumstances as best you can. 😊 I have days when I really don’t know how I can carry on, but it is always amazing how the human spirit can overcome adversity.

I’m sure you will be ok - if you ever feel a bit wobbly, remember to read this thread again for a bit of a confidence boost.

Psychotic doesn't mean someone who is cruel/nasty ... someone can be the kindest gentlest person and be psychotic... the context you used it in does not help the cause of those who are mentally ill .