I'm a failure. A fucking envious failure.

[Bigfatfuckingfailure]

I don't like this about myself, but today I'm feeling real envy of the success of two people I used to know from school/ college/ uni etc.

They have made it in very competitive careers. Very, very successful.

I'm a massive failure and so embarrassed. If there was a reunion, I couldn't go.

I'm about to start studying again next month to start to rebuild shattered confidence as quite literally, everything I touch turns to shit. I'm excited to start but I feel so depressed and demoralised now because what if I just fail at this too. I'm back at the beginning, and everyone I know is doing fantastically well.

I don't like feeling envy like this, it's like a fucking double whammy of not only being shit at life career wise but also a massive personality flaw that I can't just be pleased for these people. I'm not. I was lonely and gawky at school and they weren't mean or anything, just basically ignored any stupid and tentative attempts at friendship when I was trying to make friends. I know they weren't doing anything wrong by that - I was just not cool or fun to be friends with and nobody owed me friendship. That's fine.

I just feel really depressed tonight, my period is due and that always makes my mood atrocious so probably just that - but really sad and directionless and afraid. Life is so short and I keep fucking it up.

I've always felt like I was dropped here from another planet, I never know what to do and always get it wrong, and it's bloody lonely at times.

Let me give the other side because I was told a few years ago, that I had it all and outwards it looked it because that’s what I projected.

1. 6 figure salary with all the perks: it was but I was harassed and mistreated in a male dominated environment that resulted in depression and physical illness. All this resulted in a catastrophic health issue that my short term memory still suffers. Later, I had a terrible episode that I was suicidal and gave up a few months ago.
2. great relationship: I got married in my late 20s but felt I didn’t live enough as I spent most of my life studying. Outwards it was fine, inside me I was “the grass is greener somewhere else”. He’s a lovely amazing human being but I was miserable.
3. Loving parents and great childhood: we were loved very much but we were very poor and it was extremely stressful. Don’t think kids don’t understand why we have lentil or bone soup for 4 days in a row. I pretended I didn’t care for nice things until I stole a pencil from a shop and got into trouble.
4. Children: I pretended I wanted to be childfree but in reality, I didn’t have a safety net and I was worried, I’d have no money to raise my kid. By the time, I did I was flying high career-wise and ended up not only going back to work at 5 weeks but not really seeing my child for the first few years of her life.
5. Great shape that was maintained by lack of food, stress and stress related ulcer but with a bit of makeup and nice clothes, I looked liked a model. So, no, I didn’t have it all but it looked it.

OP, I am considered 'successful' based on my job, salary, possessions etc but I regularly get pangs of envy whenever I get on Facebook or Instagram and see old school friends doing what they love. I wish I had followed my dreams of becoming a photographer instead of falling into the first job I got after finishing my studies. My old friends might not have as much as far as material things go but they sure as hell seem to have a pretty awesome existence.

I have a great DH and gorgeous kids but we don't have time to enjoy much in life. I work now so that one day my kids can have the kind of life I always wanted.

Life your best life OP and try not to compare yourself to others.

I feel embarrassed typing this because the song is SO cheesy but I always think of these lines if I get even close to comparing myself to others:

I can't wear this uniform without some compromises
Because you'll find out that we come
In different shapes and sizes
No one can be myself like I can
For this job I'm the best man
And while this may be true
You are the one and only you

Do you want a competitive career like them? I know I don't. I would hate it. It doesn't stop me feeling a twinge of envy of people who have been successful. It's just human, not a personality failure.
Don't be so hard on your self. Not everyone is "doing fantastically well". I'm certainly not. My 'career' is absolutely down the pan and I'm a broke single parent with 2 DCs and we live a dull life.
It seems to me like you exaggerate other people's positives, but are really hard on yourself and exaggerate minor negatives into catastrophes. Try and notice yourself when you do this. Be aware you are doing it. And then stop.
I hope your new course is enjoyable and valuable.

I know they weren't doing anything wrong by that - I was just not cool or fun to be friends with and nobody owed me friendship. That's fine.

Op, you have had loads of great advice on this thread, but when reading this paragraph it struck me that you must have a very mature, balanced and empathic way about you. As I’ve got older I’ve learned to value that far more in a person than a high flying career, money or looks.

I have plenty of friends with all of the above, but it’s the Ines who are modest about it on social media and not constantly parping on about their amazing kids/perfect holidays/gorgeous husbands that I admire more. The fact they don’t need to spells volumes to me.

So don’t always look at the superficial. A good nature and solid, strong, empathic personality are far great merits to posess.

*ones and greater

'If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same', Rudyard Kipling quote (or probably misquote), always sums it up for me when I'm feeling jealous.

I'm suddenly really wobbly and tearful again this evening after a good day. I wish I'd just get my period so my mood would shift. It always does, once it gets going.

Really worried I'm going to fail at studying. I keep trying stuff and failing, always always always failing. I'm never good enough and people aren't interested in listening to me officially but quite keen to take my ideas about stuff. I'm a disaster in terms of career, it just feels like it's never going to be ok.

What field have you chosen to study? You sound like you need a chat.

I'm going into something sciency. But dropped science at school at A level (long time ago now) so I can't take certain modules offered on my course. I'm very excited and so looking forward to it, but because it's so damn important to me I have this insane pressure building up in me now to do a good job.

I'm very lucky to have my offer.

Big. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Just want to get a feel for where you are in life

Mid thirties. Years whizzing by and picking up speed. 40 looks too close now.

Not that I'd mind being 40 at all if I felt I'd achieved something, had got somewhere in life.

I'm a scientist . It's awesome. Does your institute offer any counselling to students? You're definitely not the only one feeling the pressure. I'm currently doing staff counselling to deal with the transition to some new responsibilities, and it's really helping.

I know what you mean about 40 looking close (it's less than a year away for me) and feeling like you really ought to be a bit more of an adult than you are. I look at the new research group leaders coming in on the tenure track each year, and they're all under 35, some of them under 30. It's not a life I want, but I get a twinge of envy every time.

Counselling, yes. I think one of the reasons I'm wobbling is I've just finished a block of sessions for bereavement counselling. It was very good counselling and I'm grateful had it but in one way I wish I could keep going with that bit of support.

So I plan on getting on the waiting list for student counselling at my uni quicksmart. They might raise an eyebrow if I seek it out the first week though

No they won't! You'll be first in line and you'll be proactively tackling your confidence issues. You sound so excited about starting the new term. I hope you can focus on that and not let the pressure get to you.

Thank you! I'm hoping my enthusiasm will keep me afloat. That and planning - I have a few weeks left but trying to plan everything and get ahead.

Wish I had the reading list with core texts already so I could start, but won't have it for a while.

I have had an illness since childhood that has caused me many problems and has left me with chronic fatigue, and I grew up fostered and very hurt by my parents

^That right there is going to make life harder isn't it.

Funnily enough today, I myself was wondering what it would be like to be healthy and loved - I've also had health difficulties and family difficulties all my life. As you say its obvious that some people have an easier life. So I guess there is an understandable reaction there that you describe.

I haven't got time just now to reflect on this more. But will read the whole thread tomorrow, and might add more then.

You could always contact the course tutor to ask about the reading list. Or ask around (post on uni forums?) for last year's reading list - the core texts won't change, and you should be able to get them from the library.

Ah, take courage from the fact that you are looking to improve what you consider to be your weaknesses (mind, you consider your life a failure, but others won’t be judging you ). Our childhoods, good or bad, are behind us and they can’t be changed and are therefore out of your control. However, you can change how your life goes forward - this is something you can somewhat control. Envy is normal. Resentment of others having better life chances and luck is normal.
I had an awful evening once, where the couple boasted about their high flying and high paid careers, expensive holidays, flash trendy apartment all evening, and sniggered at our UK camping trip with three young children. Basically, they judged that their lives were infinitely better than ours, through their skill, planning and talent. Just 6 months later we heard that the husband had been having an affair and realised the boasting was a sham to cover their unhappiness. It was really sad, and made me realise that the image portrayed by others is only what they want you to see, not necessarily the reality of how it really is.

OP, I just read your comment on networking and had to say - I thought I was shit at it too. Turns out I'm just shit at pretending I'm something I'm not. I started my own business and now that I'm not working for a soulless corporate anymore I have discovered (a) it's all about finding people in the room you like, and who like you, and telling them with pride what problems you solve and (B) I'm a great networker when I'm being myself. You'll be great too.

Heh, that post makes it look like I'm into MLM. I'm not - I'm a lawyer!