To not need to help 15 year old get ready for school?

[VinnyA]

AIBU to leave 15 year old to sort everything she needs for school? Year 11. I expect her to be okay putting her uniform in for wash and making sure it's ready, same for PE kit. To sort her own lunch and bag. To make breakfast, etc.

Apparently this is "a bit neglectful and sad"

Who is claiming that it's neglectful and sad? My dd is also 15 and has been doing much of that stuff for herself (by her choice) for years. She's been picking and preparing her own outfits since she was 2 and doing her own lunch since 9 or 10. She used to make me breakfast in bed every morning since she was 7 or 8 until just recently (as she's now far too busy catching up on her Netflix shows).

I do think it's a good idea to teach independence but it'd be nice to get up with her, and have breakfast together

I used to love eating breakfast with my mum as a teen. She totally spoiled me and cooked all my meals and washed my clothes - but really the bit that I loved was her company. We were very close until she passed away when I was 25

I love this and Im sorry you lost your mum when you were so young.

My children are all adults now with their own children but I still liked to get their day off to a good start when they lived at home, even when they were working. Yes they could all cook and keep a house because I'd taught them to but I just really enjoyed the mornings with them and I know they did too.

Im on my grandchildren now and take some of them to school every day and I love it.

So I'd say no CF behaviour on his part!

I agree.

I think 'washing' in the OP means washing face & teeth not laundry?!

My 11 year old starts secondary school today. I packed her bag and PE kit with her last night. It's the first and last time I will do it.
I make breakfast for us all every morning and we eat together but she's quite capable of making cereal or toast and a cup of tea for herself.
At 15 I was getting up at 6am, getting my own breakfast, shower, hair washed and dried, and two buses and quite a walk to school. I cooked my own meals as was veggie and did my own laundry half the time. No one packed my bag since I was about 5!

It’s very important that they can do all these things. However, it is also very important that they know that people care about them and love them. You learn a lot about kindness from people being kind to you.

My mother would always make our breakfast/ lunch. We were responsible for getting our stuff together, showering, dressing, PE kits...anything else we needed but mum was wise to the fact we often ran late and would for go breakfast/ making lunch.

My brother and I both really appreciated her help each morning as it made our lives easier and felt like she cared. I’m mid 20’s now, successful career, nice house with a lovely DP and a fully functional adult.
She’s now my best friend and I think her approach to us growing up cemented that.

Her helping didn’t make me less independent it made me feel loved x

That's lovely astonishment
I hope my dcs will be the same.

YANBU.
My dd was fine from this from the start of Y7

BertrandRussell It’s very important that they can do all these things. However, it is also very important that they know that people care about them and love them. You learn a lot about kindness from people being kind to you.

This.

Maybe I have a skewed perspective as my DDs are adopted, and eldest has dyspraxia (so just organising day to day life is very hard for her).

But as long as they are being taught how to do stuff, it doesn't matter to me whether they are doing it regularly without fail, or just occasionally while at secondary school, up to GCSEs. Almost all with have at least another 2 years living at home as emerging adults to learn the full independence.

My youngest is 17 and I still ensure that we breakfast together as she's beginning to have her own social life, so it's a good time to chat before the day starts. I usually make her packed lunch, as I'm doing my own anyway but this works both ways as she often makes mine for me. When I'm at work, if she has an Inset Day, she gets up & has breakfast with me. I think it's essential to teach them to be independent but nice to still do a bit for them here and there.

My DC are more than half her age and do this... They know where dirty clothes belong and I expect them to dress themselves in the morning. Eventually they’ll learn to iron it too. I don’t think that’s poor parenting, quite the opposite in fact.

'starting to have her own social life' and she's 17??? My DCs very much had very busy social lives from Yr 7

I would have hated help getting ready for school at 15 how patronising! That said I do think it's important to have as much time with teenagers as possible everyday. It doesn't necessarily have to be morning though. My parents didn't really find time to spend with me once I was a teenager and didn't need help with things anymore it meant we completely stopped being close.

Basically, I think it boils down to a) do you have a generally good balance between teaching independence and showing love b) is breakfast a significant occasion in your family.

For my father, who is an early riser, breakfast is a lovely occasion to shower his family with attention: I'm in my 50s and still don't get the chance to even put the kettle on when visiting. My mother otoh feels sick at breakfast time and only comes to life later in the day: her favourite time for cosseting her family will be at late supper time, by which time my father is stumbling around with his eyes half shut. It really doesn't matter at all.

I wash uniform as it needs washing a certain way and I wash all 3 together but ds has been making his own lunch since year 3 so almost 8 and I dont pack their bags for them, how would i know what they need?
So yes, by 15 they should be getting themselves ready.

I've always been strict about my lot emptying PE kits for the wash, putting uniform in the washing basket, making sure they get their own bag packed for school thr night before etc.

But I always made their breakfast - nothing elaborate, toast, cereal, smoothie and a cup of tea every morning. I expect them to be able to sort their shit out but I'm still their mum so a bit of consideration never went a miss!

It's not neglectful as she should be capable of these things but it could be a bit sad depending on context. If she's getting breakfast and making a packed lunch while you have a lie in that's sad. If you're working but have dinner together in the evening and chat about her day than that's fair enough. Basically it's not the chores but are you spending time together and listening to your daughter because at year 11 they definitely need to know you care and sometimes we show this by making breakfast etc just to make their day a little easier.

My children could do all that, they're pretty practical but I quite like helping them out and looking after them. They'll leave home soon enough and be doing it for and by themselves for years.

OP has not been back but I read the post as her daughter having to put dirty clothes in a wash basket (or similar) for wash - rather than leave them lying about in a bedroom. And then to check they were all ready for her lesson rather than expect them to be and only discover that morning if they are not.

fwiw I may be reading it like that because they were all the things I was expected to do. Dirty clothes left lying about in my room did not get washed and if I put them in the basket the night before they were needed it was foolish to expect they would 'magically' be clean by the next day.

It meant giving mum plenty of time to get them clean or talking to her about needing them sooner - at which point a conversation about which other clothes could make up a load and a demo of how to go about it myself was normally the response.

I was also expected to feed the dog/cat, get myself washed, dressed, breakfasted and ready to go from about 11 years old onwards.

Can't say I ever felt sad or neglected...

First day back you should make breakfast imo!!
Then self sufficient!!

This sounds about right to me. I generally put the washing on but it was up to the kids to manage their washing and put things away etc.

I did more for my kids when they were doing their exams or were in their final year of A’levels. If I could see they were working really hard then I was more than happy to spoil them with some top notch mothering.

My teens have been able to get themelves up and ready for school for a long while.

I'm not a hard taskmaster, but I see a parent's job as raising children to be self sufficient and capable of looking after themselves. DCs have always had to do age appropriate chores.