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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend not contacting for over a week

51 replies

lifeofdreams · 03/09/2018 15:10

When you’ve let them know you’ve had a miscarriage.

I could be being totally unreasonable here. My friend had a baby and we’d arranged a time for me to come round to meet baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant and unfortunately I started to miscarry the baby several days before I was due to go round to see her. The day I was meant to go round I sent an honest text to say what had happened and that I was attending hospital that day (for medical management). She read the text and nothing was sent back.

Over a week later I got a response to say “so sorry, I read your text and forgot to reply. That’s a shame.”

I didn’t respond as I just didn’t know what to say back to her. I already have two children and have had other friends who’ve had miscarriages and I don’t think that would have been the response I’d have chosen to send them if the shoe was on the other foot, not would I have waited that amount of time to send a reply.

AIBU to just let the friendship slide l?

OP posts:
BarryManilowRocks · 03/09/2018 15:11

Let it slide....
That's not how a good friend behaves. That's how a crap friend behaves.

MadeForThis · 03/09/2018 15:13

That's an awful response. So sorry for your loss.

crosstalk · 03/09/2018 15:13

Let it slide. "That's a shame" is appalling from anyone. Let alone a "good" friend

3girlmama · 03/09/2018 15:14

I think yanbu.
Your 'friend ' didn't respond in a delicate or appropriate way imo. Possibly wrapped up in her new baby but that's not really a good enough reason to be so blasé about what you're going through xx
I'm sorry for your loss OP. I've had a mc and it's horrible xxx

MorningsEleven · 03/09/2018 15:16

She's cold. Horrible bugger.

I'm sorry for what you've been through Flowers

billybagpuss · 03/09/2018 15:16

'Thats a shame'??? not 'are you ok?'

I would have been a little hurt at that, but she will be absorbed with new baby and you have other things to come to terms with at the moment, both are distracted and I don't think you can hold the delay against her when she has a newborn.

I think it really depends on how important this friendship is to you. If it is I would maybe leave it a week or so then text a friendly 'hi hows it going'

If not take a step back and see what happens.

Losingthewill1 · 03/09/2018 15:17

Dump her like a sack of shit

Send her a text saying hey I’ll just leave you to it as I’d appreciate more support during a difficult time from my so called “friend “

BlackStar7 · 03/09/2018 15:19

It does sound heartless. How old is her baby? Is it possible she's sleep deprived and wasn't thinking straight when she replied?

Septembermummy1 · 03/09/2018 15:22

Cold hearted cow. Don't bother replying to that and don't bother texting her, just ghost her. Sorry about your miscarriage Thanks

Spam88 · 03/09/2018 15:31

Oh gosh, I was going to make excuses for her not replying because, as you know, it's chaos with a newborn. But 'that's a shame'?? Confused completely bizarre response... Especially from someone who's just had a baby. Sorry for your loss OP

sockunicorn · 03/09/2018 15:39

she sounds horrible :( sorry op but i would let the friendship drift

deepsea · 03/09/2018 15:40

That would signal an end of a friendship for me. So sorry this happened to you Flowers

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 03/09/2018 15:40

That is a terrible friend. Definitely let it slide.

I had a friend who brushed over and ignored my bad and good news and made me feel like she wasn't bothered. I look back now and wonder if she wasn't trying to distance herself first. Either way, she like your 'friend' was a poor and unsupportable friend. I'm sure you have supported her through many things but when you need her it's a different story.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 03/09/2018 15:42

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Juells · 03/09/2018 15:43

In the friend's defence... if I'd just had a baby, and a friend had a mc I'd feel so awful that I wouldn't know what to say.

PinkHeart5914 · 03/09/2018 15:44

That was a cold reply from a “good” friend considering your miscarrying while she enjoys her new baby!

Not how I’d expect a good friend or intact anyone with a heart to be. “That’s a shame” wtf? No, that’s sad news. hope your ok/are you ok?

PinkHeart5914 · 03/09/2018 15:48

If you didn’t know what to say would you really reply to a friend “that’s a shame” in regards to them having lost a baby? Or just ignore them for a week? Really?

You don’t need friends like that

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 03/09/2018 15:51

That's a horrible way for her to respond. She's probably wrapped up in her baby, or she may have felt awkward and not known what to say, but that's no excuse. A true friend would have rang you and arranged a time to come and see you. Sorry for your loss OP x

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/09/2018 15:51

You’ve just found out she isn’t a friend. Time to move on from her.

I’m so sorry you’ve miscarried.

Pinky333777 · 03/09/2018 15:58

What's going on with the friend?
Does she perhaps feel guilty and not know what to say?
She's had a baby - is there any post natal depression going on that could account for the coldness of the text message.
I'd tell her how you feel and perhaps arrange to meet up again.
It would most certainly be 'a shame' to flush away a friendship for a misunderstanding.
Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you're doing okay x

PaintedHorizons · 03/09/2018 16:03

Either she is a friend or she is not. You don't need strangers to tell you. If she is a friend then you chose her for a lot of reasons to be your friend and you will know that she is sleep-deprived, exhausted, emotionally all over the place and feeling awkward as to how best to respond. Text is not the best way and she probably guessed that you did not want to talk since you didn't call her to cry on her shoulder but sent a brief text.

Sorry for your your loss OP - and if she is a friend then ring her for a chat.

HopelessWanderer · 03/09/2018 16:06

I think you might still be in shock / grieving to some degree.

I've had several miscarriages, I didn't tell anyone but maybe family who I had told I was expecting.

I know you expected some wise words of comfort, realistically you have to think, people, or some people, just don't know what to say back.

Realistically no words are going to ease your mental & physical suffering.

I wouldn't ditch the friendship, maybe focus on your own recovery a bit more.

You can't blame someone as they didn't know what to say. Even having had several losses, I know it's an individual thing, you do struggle knowing what to say for the best.

Hope this helps

diddl · 03/09/2018 16:09

"Realistically no words are going to ease your mental & physical suffering."

That's true-but "that's a shame"??!!

Did she not read what was happening & was just replying to Op not being able to visit?

PaintedHorizons · 03/09/2018 16:09

And all those saying she should have said "Are you Ok?" That's the last thing I'd want someone to say. Of course I'm not OK ! It sounds patronising and trite, (and more about the sender than the recipient)

So really - it's a question of the friendship not the right words. We've all said "Sorry for your loss" as we deem that the right thing to say - but we don't know the OP and cannot possibly care about her - whereas her friend does. So rather than judge the friend on words sent in circumstances we don't know we should should focus more on the friendship of however many years and all that has been shared over that time.

PieAndPumpkins · 03/09/2018 16:24

You can't blame someone as they didn't know what to say.

Well I think you can actually. Her (thought out and written - not spur of the moment) response, is a calculation of who she is as a person. Everyone is entitled to walk away from people they decide they dislike.

I'm pretty black and white, but unless you have a very long and loving friendship that's worth saving and you can overlook this incident because you have enough good history etc, I'd be fairly disgusted with the lack of FRIENDSHIP and compassion in this reply. It suggests to me she's pissed off you haven't focused on her new baby, like maybe you are stealing the limelight. You know your 'friend' best though. I don't believe in keeping relationships for the hell of it personally.