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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend not contacting for over a week

51 replies

lifeofdreams · 03/09/2018 15:10

When you’ve let them know you’ve had a miscarriage.

I could be being totally unreasonable here. My friend had a baby and we’d arranged a time for me to come round to meet baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant and unfortunately I started to miscarry the baby several days before I was due to go round to see her. The day I was meant to go round I sent an honest text to say what had happened and that I was attending hospital that day (for medical management). She read the text and nothing was sent back.

Over a week later I got a response to say “so sorry, I read your text and forgot to reply. That’s a shame.”

I didn’t respond as I just didn’t know what to say back to her. I already have two children and have had other friends who’ve had miscarriages and I don’t think that would have been the response I’d have chosen to send them if the shoe was on the other foot, not would I have waited that amount of time to send a reply.

AIBU to just let the friendship slide l?

OP posts:

PieAndPumpkins · 03/09/2018 16:30

her response is illustrative of who she is as a person *

MrsStrowman · 03/09/2018 16:57

Sometimes I think the best thing to say is the truth, ofy you don't know what to say, especially to a close friend, you just I am so sorry, I don't know what to say, if you need anything or want to talk I'm here for you. That's a shame is incredibly dismissive.

Winenot78 · 03/09/2018 16:59

First off, I hope you’re OK, I’m so sorry for your loss xx

Your friend sounds awful. It’s never easy, I don’t think, to know what to say in this situation but anyone should know “that’s a shame” is definitely not appropriate at all! She doesn’t sound like a good friend xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2018 18:15

She may have expected to open up a dialogue with you. She apologised for not getting back to you because she knew your text should have been addressed sooner.

Just because a bunch of strangers say it’s not an acceptable response, it doesn’t make it true. She’s just had a baby. You have no idea of her health or the health of her baby. Perhaps she’s going through a hard time herself.

Don’t write a good friendship based on one response to a text with sad news.

Just as an aside some people don’t see this as a full pregnancy as women regularly miscarry before 12 weeks so perhaps she didn’t understand how sad you are.

Nikephorus · 03/09/2018 18:27

Just as an aside some people don’t see this as a full pregnancy as women regularly miscarry before 12 weeks so perhaps she didn’t understand how sad you are.
This was what I thought to be honest. Plus you've got 2 children so it's not a long-time-longed-for first child (not that this makes it hurt any less obviously, but it might affect her thinking) and she's hugely underestimating how you're feeling. Add into that a new baby & lack of sleep..... She's ballsed it up but if she's usually a good friend I'd let it go. And as for the delay - if it came at the wrong time (screaming baby, mid feed whatever) then she could well have put it aside to write something more meaningful and completely forgot. It happens.

Losingthewill1 · 07/09/2018 08:59

God some of the responses are brutal

Dump her as a friend and enjoy your life w

SlartiAardvark · 07/09/2018 09:00

What was she meant to say?

I honestly wouldn't know what to say in a situation like that, especially by text.

But then, I'd have rung my friend to explain why I couldn't make it & all would have been sorted there & then....

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/09/2018 09:05

How old is her baby? Maybe she’s going through a difficult period also? I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/09/2018 09:05

I think what she said was fine

Treaclepie19 · 07/09/2018 09:38

That's awful. She's not behaved like a friend.
I'm sorry for your loss

staffiegirl · 07/09/2018 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISeeTheLight · 07/09/2018 09:59

That's not a good friend. I don't care how sleep deprived she is. My DD was born 3 days before my best friend lost her baby at 23+5 weeks. I didn't here from her for a few days (she wanted me to be happy and didn't want to push her bad news on me). I got concerned and messaged. We ended up calling each other and I cried on the phone with her.
"That's a shame". Wtf. Ignore her, you don't need that kind of person in your life. I'd expect more sympathy from my manager at work!

mavismcruet · 07/09/2018 10:20

When I had a mc lots of people said the most cack-handed things. I knew they were trying to be kind though.

Your friends comment is bad. Too late and rather cruel and cold. Sorry OP

Noodledoodledoo · 07/09/2018 10:35

Just as an aside some people don’t see this as a full pregnancy as women regularly miscarry before 12 weeks so perhaps she didn’t understand how sad you are.

I am also in the camp of she may not have realised how much this affected you. I had an early miscarriage and didn't really think about it, I may sound harsh but I knew lots of people who had lost babies in the early months of first trying so just took it as normal.

People say rubbish things to bad news, even if they have had similar news, I lost my mum and then said some rubbish statements to a close friend who had also lost his mum! Kicked myself as the words came out my mouth!

I have loads of messages I don't reply to straight away to due to small people as well.

altiara · 07/09/2018 10:58

OP, if I’d just had a baby and my friend miscarried, I’d probably be crying for you and writing stupid stuff and not being able to speak as I’d still be crying.
Having said that it’s not hard to write I’m so sorry, thinking of you.
for you.

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/09/2018 10:59

Thing is, your friend didn't know how you were feeling, and she didn't ask. Surely "I'm so sorry to hear that, how are you feeling?" Or solar, would give you chance to reply "I'm devastated/upset/sad but ok/whatever"

Yes this does happen a lot, and indeed it affects some more than others but your friend didn't stop to think.

SpottingTheZebras · 07/09/2018 11:01

I’m sorry for your loss. I can understand her reading and forgetting to reply, especially since she will have lots going on at home, but not the that’s a shame comment.

There are enough people in this world that means you don’t need to bother with ones like her.

SunnyCoco · 07/09/2018 11:31

That’s a shame?

God that’s horrible. I’m so sorry for you. I couldn’t continue the friendship if this were me

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 07/09/2018 11:34

I wouldn't judge so harshly for her language, but I'd be v upset she took a week to reply

RhiWrites · 07/09/2018 11:35

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you have other better friends to look after you.

The friendship is over, I don’t understand how anyone can be completely lacking in empathy. Especially someone with a newborn. Horrendous behaviour.

Original poster

lifeofdreams · 07/09/2018 12:18

Thanks everyone.

I’ve not written back and I don’t really have much to say. I’ve already congratulated her on the birth of her baby so I’ll just leave it at that.

I get what people mean about others not viewing miscarriage as anything terrible as it’s so early on. I am actually quite shocked by how physically painful it was. I’d expected to feel emotionally drained but perhaps I was naive about the physical side

OP posts:

Treaclepie19 · 07/09/2018 12:36

@lifeofdreams I miscarried at 8+3 with my first pregnancy and all that was there was a sac and beginning of yolk sac. I didn't expect more than a period. I was truly shocked at how painful it was.
Thinking of you. Look after yourself

SunnyCoco · 09/09/2018 21:55

One of my miscarriages was at over 13 weeks and the physical pain was horrendous. Get some decent pain relief from your doctor to help you through that side of things.
I found the Miscarriage Association very supportive and helpful with the emotional side of things.
I am so sorry for your loss. It’s an absolutely heartbreaking thing to go through and I hope you can find some strength and comfort in your partner / other friends / pets xxx

Lookingforadvice123 · 09/09/2018 21:58

That's horrendous, I don't care about the newborn craziness, we've all been there and still remembered to act like decent human beings. She's horrible.

So sorry for your mc x

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/09/2018 22:01

How old is her baby? is it likely shes got some PND?

And you know, if I had a new baby I don't know if I'd be able to cope with upsy daisy hormones and someone telling me their MC woes.

Bad set of circs all round really

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